haiti and adoption

I just read this great article "adopting a child from Haiti" and how this is not the best emotional knee jerk answer to the grave situation in this country. Totally agree.

I also noted on the side bar of the website a link to this article about sending breast milk to Haiti as a way to help. I LOVE that and would absolutely do it if I could.

Lastly, the other day while in the grocery store with baby T a woman stopped me to ask if he was from Haiti...what the heck?! Please people, think!

two great posts

I've recently read some great posts by Margie at Third Mom. Her post titled "The grand plan of adoption" makes reference to the same adoption ad that I did in my last post and very eloquently discusses faith and adoption.

In another recent post titled "Saturday with Alison and John" Margie reviews a recent adoption conference she attended. The conference theme was In Our Own Voices: Adoptees and Foster Youth Speak Out. Margie references some good speakers and information from the perspective of adoptees.

Take a look around her site, you won't be disappointed!

please don't say...#4

When you discover that someone is planning to adopt a child, please don’t say…”At least you don’t have to get big and go through labor.”

Seriously?

Only one person has made reference to the above statement to me and the next person who does better watch out. I might have to get violent! For someone to enter the adoption process because it is “easier” then birthing a biological child is a load of crap. There are likely adoptive parents out there who actually think this, which would make me wonder if they know anything about the process at all.

Going through this process is one of the hardest things I have ever done and I’ve experienced some pretty difficult situations in my life. Granted our adoption experience thus far has been riddled with over-the-top frustration and difficulty while others often go more smoothly. At this point, I would take 48 hours of excruciating pain over a year of unbelievable stress. It is not my intent to minimize the pain and difficulty that occurs during childbirth or make this into a competition. I’m merely asking for some perspective.

uber amazing blogs

A long while back Thanksgivingmom acknowledged my blog with an Uber Amazing Blog award. (Thanks TG!). Before I followed the rules and passed on the acknowledgement I wanted to spend a bit more time in the blogging world to become more familiar with the blogs I was reading. But now it’s time to make mention of some uber amazing blogs.

Here are the official rules: The “uber amazing blog” is a blog award given to sites who...
- inspire you

- make you smile and laugh

- or maybe give you amazing information

- a great read

- has an amazing design

- and any other reason you can think of that makes them uber amazing!

The rules of the award are:
1. Put the logo on your blog or post

2. Nominate at least five blogs (can be more) that are uber amazing

3. Let them know that they have received this uber amazing award by commenting on their blog

4. Share the love by linking to this post and the person you received the award from

So in no particular order, I nominate...

Heather at Production Not Reproduction – This is one of the first adoption related blogs I came across while doing a search for information, and is definitely one of my favorites. I have learned much from Heather and her thoughtful approach to adoptive parenting.

Mei-Ling at A Shadow Between Two Worlds – Reading Mei-Ling’s posts about transracial adoption has been informative and stretching. I appreciate her honesty and realness in what she is going through and how adoption has impacted her life.

Paula at Heart, Mind and Seoul – I have read through most of Paula’s archives which are rich with personal and honest reflections that are helpful to those of us who are navigating the world of transracial adoption. Paula was away from the blogging world for a bit but I’m so glad she’s back!

Thanksgivingmom at I Should Really Be Working – When putting this list together I realized it wasn’t complete without her. I know I should likely pass the award on to someone else but I can’t help but acknowledge TG. I love and appreciate her honest musings about life as a firstmom. I have become much more aware of the birthparent perspective which is so valuable to me. Too often this voice is shut out in adoption.

I think I will be a better adoptive mom because of all of you! Thanks for speaking so passionately and honestly from your side of the triad and helping to inform the others.

I do read other non-adoption blogs too, so the uber amazing blog award also goes to:

Patty at pattycake.ca – I typically follow a strict diet regime (no gluten, dairy, or refined sugar) and finding Patty’s blog was a huge relief and provided a big breath of fresh air to my baking. She’s got oodles of healthy baking recipes so even if you eat all foods (lucky you!) but want to take a crack at using very healthy ingredients etc. you’ll find some yummy stuff on her site. This is one of my favorites!

To all my Uber Amazing Blog Award recipients...keep those posts coming!

the theory of sleep

Mama2roo’s comment on my post about the things I’m looking forward to when baby comes said this...

I'll share from my own experience--thought since I actually wasn't the one giving birth that it'd be SO EASY with the sleepless nights, etc. I was SO WRONG.

This comment reminded me of something I once heard...

Apparently when a woman is pregnant she experiences hormonal shifts during her last trimester that actually prepares her body to deal with the sleepless nights associated with a newborn. Plus, because she is so uncomfortable she ends up sleeping less during the night hence preparing her and her body to be able to function without a lot of sleep. A woman who adopts a child does not experience any of these hormone shifts etc. and her body and mind aren’t as prepared for little to no sleep.

Now before those of you who have birthed children dispute this theory with horror stories of sleeplessness let me first say that I don’t think this is a competition to see who experiences less sleep the worst. I’m not trying to make excuses for women who adopt newborns. And I get that the labor experience plus healing that occurs afterward is no piece of cake and can impact how someone does post-natally. I just thought it was an interesting theory and with at least one friend who adopted a newborn it seemed to be true. And it sorta makes sense to me. Not much will change in my life up until a baby is placed with us. I’m not getting larger and uncomfortable. I think this visual and physical change not only causes a woman to slow down but it also starts preparing her mind for what is about to happen. Those of us who adopt newborns don’t experience this same sort of preparation.

I also can’t remember exactly where I heard this theory of sleep but I’m pretty sure it was at a conference while I was working with prenatal and postnatal women. I tried to google it but couldn’t think of great search words. If anyone can affirm or dispute this theory please do.

So even though I’m trying to prepare my mind for what life with a newborn will look like, the sleepless nights just might hit me harder than I think. I guess time will tell. I’ll have to revisit this post whenever a baby is placed with us to let you know what the real deal is.

laugh out loud

I feel myself settling into a bit of a funk. Must. Fight. It.

So I'm posting this more for myself and anyone else who needs a pick me up. You've likely seen this video clip before but it's just too cute and funny not to share again. Laughter is certainly contagious. May you find ways to add bits of good gut-wrenching laughter to your day.

Enjoy!

happy bday to me...

Today I turn 34. Wait a minute…is that right? Thirty-four! How the heck did that happen?! The early 30’s are slipping away from me! Eek!

I’m really struggling with this birthday. Typically birthdays come and go for me without a ton of fan fare. They are significant but yet not, all at the same time. I generally don’t have a problem with getting older. I loved turning 30 and totally embraced it but this year highlights my continual aging process without children. Another birthday. Another year gone by…all 365 days worth. And still no kids. I must say that D has really worked to make this day extra special, he woke up early to make me Belgium waffles! What a sweet man I have!

I didn’t want to be an older mom. I have an older mom and I didn’t want to be that for my kids. I wanted to be the cool mom that dressed trendy and still understood what it was like to be young. A friend recently assured me that we would be older cool moms to young children together but I’m not feeling it right now. I’m feeling old. Fine lines and saggy parts have settled in. I have limited energy and oomph. I realize that many women enter the adoption world quite a bit older then me but considering I got married all those years ago I would have expected a family by now! On the flip side D and I sure have built a solid foundation to our marriage. And this is definitely important for building a family.

Oh well. Happy Birthday to me. Good food and good company…along with a glass of wine or two are on the agenda tonight!

welcoming 2009

Last night was loads of fun. Played games, drank martinis, ate too much food, and toasted to 2009. I don't think I've ever been so excited to welcome in a new year. I hope my expectations of 2009 aren't too high!

We toasted to having a Tigger kind of year. Carolyn said this in her post on making life good:

I do believe in the power of Tiggerness. As 2008 ends, and as you contemplate what sort of 2009 you will experience, my hope is that you will create the sunshine in others' lives that will spill inevitably and powerfully into your own in healthy and lifegiving ways.

I've been having way too many Eeyore kind of moments. Although its okay to have these moments and to be real in life, it's time to usher in more Tigger experiences. I haven't quite figured out how to do that yet when feeling very Eeyoreish. My guess is that it is about my focus. I am continually reminded that God is enough for me. It is in Him that I find my hope. As 2009 begins, my prayer is that I will be mindful of God's promises in the good and not so good times.

My hope is for a lifegiving year. One that is characterized by the power of Tiggerness to positively impact myself and those around me.

know how you feel

Lately I've been feeling pressure to be consistently optimistic and positive about how I'm feeling about the adoption process and the waiting stage. Some days it's really hard work to think positively about all of this. At any given time there are half a million things running through my head related to adoption ranging from "this is never going to happen" to "I've got to properly learn how to install a car seat." My emotions are all over the board. But sometimes it all just plain sucks. On many different levels. Seeing pregnant women sucks. Seeing new babies sucks. Going to work everyday with the feeling that life will never change sucks. Anticipating another Christmas and birthday without a child sucks. Knowing your future is in someone else's hands sucks. Waiting for a phone call sucks. Sucks, sucks, sucks.

I feel like I should just suck it up and recognize the blessings that I do have in life. I certainly do have so much to be thankful for. But at the same time I truly believe that it's okay to actually FEEL what you are feeling. After my father's sudden death, D and I went to counselling to help me work through my grief. I very clearly remember the therapist telling me to give myself permission to thoroughly feel the emotion I was feeling. If I was angry, she told me to get angry and sit with the anger to feel it. If I was sad, I was to allow myself to be sad and not let anyone (myself included) tell me how I was supposed to feel.

So when I feel like someone "shot my stork" (I saw this blog title the other day and think it's absolutely hilarious and so true) I give myself permission to be angry or sad about how hard family planning has been for us. And when I feel excited and nervous about the idea of becoming a mother I work at feeling those emotions too. In our house we have a "know how you feel" magnet on our fridge which lists a variety of emotions/moods and there is a separate magnet you use to place around the emotion you are feeling.

Right now my magnet is on the "numb" feeling.

blogging

I have grown to love this adoption blogging world I have become a part of. I have been given the privilege to take a peek in the lives of strangers and learn about many different perspectives and experiences related to adoption, each of which I have been grateful for. (Although eventually you don’t feel quite so much like a stranger!) I love how Heather at Production, Not Reproduction can post about a fairly controversial topic such as revocation periods and then people from different parts of the triad engage with the topic and everyone speaks from their experience and heart without a lot of conflict.

But the blogging world can be a negative place as well. I am distraught at the inconsiderate, ignorant, and fearful nature of people who hide behind the anonymity that blogging can provide. Paula at Heart, Mind, and Seoul has just put a stop to all public blogging due to threatening comments which has caused her to take police action. I have learned SO much from reading Paula’s blog. She is able to speak from the transracial adoptee and adoptive parent perspective and has much wisdom to share. It is incredibly sad that people aren’t allowed to share their own life experiences without the concern of attack. I sincerely hope that Paula is able to resolve the situation and that she will come back to the blogging world.

I know that some people just don't "get" the whole blogging thing. Starting a blog and regularly reading others can keep me at the computer for quite some time! But this is a part of my therapy. It is a way for me to express how I'm feeling and doing and also to learn and grow from others in similar situations as me. I am so blessed to have some friends in my life who have children through adoption or are currently in the process. Connecting regularly with these women is also a part of my journey. But being a part of the adoption blogging world allows me to learn from adoptee's and first mothers which I find invaluable.

So here's to continued posting and reading!

please don't say...#3

When you discover that someone is planning to adopt a child, please don’t say…"So you can’t have your own kids?"

I still get all flustered when asked this question. Firstly, I’m irritated with the question because it generally comes right after I’ve shared with someone, often an acquaintance type friend that D and I are in the process of adoption. This question quickly shifts the focus from our excitement over an adoption and family to genetics and fertility. I end up feeling that adoption is second best and a less valid way of forming a family. I feel like I have to defend our choice and how it is an exciting time in our lives. And secondly, what does it matter to an acquaintance anyway? When it comes to talking about reproduction it seems there are no boundaries. I don’t know what sort of answer people expect to get when asking this question. Do they want to hear about our experience at a fertility clinic? Do they want a run down of how long we’ve tried, what we’ve tried? Do they want to hear about the loss and grief? Maybe I should launch into a descriptive explanation of the hysterosalpingogram test...that might divert the question!

For the record, I really don’t have a problem sharing my story with someone who is genuine in asking.

I realize that some of my reaction to this question is my own issue and I need to learn how to deal with the emotions that come up for me. But I always react to the use of the word “own.” This child will be ours in that we will have been given legal responsibility to care for him/her. What the person means to ask is "can you have biological kids?" but instead biology is equated with ownership. I’m sorry but no one "owns" their children whether they were birthed or adopted. Parents have been given the responsibility to take care of a child but they are not possessions. Isn’t parenting a process of letting go anyway?

So please remember, the correct word to use is "biological" when speaking about your kids to someone who has adopted a child or is in the process. And determine if you really need to ask the fertility related questions (or look for the right time) or can you instead be excited for prospective adoptive parents and look forward with them, joining them in that journey.

election fever

Unless you have been living under a rock during the past 6 months you are quite aware of the significance of today! It is election day in the US. D and I were living in the US during the Bush and Kerry election in 2004. We did our best as Canadians to ignore the copious ads (seriously, it's so much worse then here!) and our friends talking about Republicans versus Democrats. I must admit that I didn't really understand either party and didn't care to, especially since I was unable to partake in the vote. Over the last 4 years I have become much more interested in politics, both here in Canada as well as the US. I agree that this is a historical election of paramount importance in US history. We just went through an election in Canada not too long ago, but I am far more interested in the results of today. I wish I could vote...I would drive over the border to cast my ballot! Instead I will vote in my heart. I will vote Democrat and I hope Obama is declared victorious by the end of the night.

Take a look at this post which speaks to the historical significance of this election. The pictures almost make me tear up! There are many reasons why I would choose to vote Democratic but one of them is summed up in the quote at the bottom of the above linked post under this picture of two young African-American boys...

"These two boys waited as a long line of adults greeted Senator Obama before a rally on Martin Luther King Day in Columbia, S.C. They never took their eyes off of him. Their grandmother told me, “Our young men have waited a long time to have someone to look up to, to make them believe Dr. King’s words can be true for them.” Jan. 21, 2008."

Amen.

the dichotomy of adoption

Dichotomy. I love this word, which is strange for me because I'm really about using plain language!

I first learned this word when attending Seminary with my husband. A dichotomy is a separation of a concept into two parts that differ widely from each other or even contradict each other. I recognize the many dichotomies' that exist in my faith and have tried to create space for both parts that seem to contradict each other and live within the tension. For example, God gives us free will and choice, but yet He knows what lies ahead for us.

The day I came to the realization that dichotomy exists in adoption is the day everything sort of fell into place for me. Adoption is a blessing and adoption is about loss - these two parts seem to contradict each other and it creates a sort of tension. To ignore one or the other would be detrimental to all members of the adoption triad. My journey is about learning how to live in this tension acknowledging blessing and loss together.

When someone finds out that we are adopting, often the reaction is one of excitement for the child - this child will be one lucky baby - but yet this child will experience profound loss so I'm quick to acknowledge that truth with most people. It's tough to find a balance in doing this because I don't want people to think that I'm not excited about our future family, because I truly am, but I also need to provide some insight into the adoption process so as to educate others. The day I signed the adoption application form is the day that I became an educator! So when someone says "This child will have a better life with you, there are too many social programs now that keep babies with young moms, this will be a lucky baby, etc" we say, "Yeah, it's too bad that there are difficult circumstances in this world that many people have to deal with. This child may have some different opportunities but will also have some unique challenges related to adoption. Our job is learn how to be the best adoptive parents we can to help this child deal with these challenges in healthy ways." I don't know if our reply is too vague, not educational enough...any insight from members of the triad? It's tough to find the words to say when I know we won't sit down and have a longer conversation. I have to find phrases or words that can quickly convey the dichotomy of adoption to others - the blessing and the loss.

Some may not think this is really all that important or that I'm over-thinking things again, I completely disagree with that. This is extremely important and worth putting a lot of thought into! Many lives are effected by the adoption process and all too often the focus is on the blessings. In general, many of us struggle with having the conversations that bring up sorrow, loss, and hurt. In adoption, we must be open to having those conversations because only then can we find balance in the dichotomy and live joyfully within the tension.

please don't say...#2

When you discover that someone is planning to adopt a child, please don’t say…”You can take (or borrow) mine for awhile!”

This statement completely minimizes the adoption process. Firstly, and most importantly, this minimizes what expectant mothers experience as they contemplate their options and consider making an adoption plan for their child. First mothers who relinquish rights do not make half-hearted decisions. This is not an “off the cuff” sort of thing so to casually offer your child to anyone is disrespectful of adoptee’s first families. Secondly, this statement minimizes what the prospective adoptive parents are going through in general and their possible process of walking through infertility. You may have been able to easily reproduce but many others have not, so don’t flaunt your offspring through casual offers. Plus, what would you do or say if someone actually said "yes!" to the offer?

Okay…was that a bit harsh? Possibly, but it needed to be said. This is how I have felt when someone “offers” their kids to me (yes, this has happened more then once). I get that raising kids is tough and frustrating, but the next time you’re willing to lend them out think about what that statement may portray to others.

what completes you?

Is it your spouse? Your family? Your friends? Your job? Your house or car? Is it Jerry McGuire? (couldn’t resist that one!).

This is a question that I have spent some time with lately. What is it that completes me?

I think that most people would answer that family and friends are top priorities in life but I would beg to differ. All you have to do is take a good look at our North American culture to see that many people in fact put other things first in life such as a job, financial security, and accumulation of stuff. Others would answer that God or faith is a top priority, but again I question the truth in that statement (this is such a Sunday School answer). If God were truly a priority in our lives I believe that the world would be a much different place.

When we were unsure if our adoption process would move forward because of the Hague Treaty I really began to take a good look at where my center was and what completes me. Would I be able to be joyful without a family? Was my center focused on having a child and then I would finally be complete and whole as a woman? My honest answer to those questions would be, “no” and “yes”. It was then that I realized that I needed to re-shift my focus and re-center myself. Even though I do feel that family is important for a variety of reasons, this can not be what completes me. I think it’s partly infertility that throws many women off their center. Infertility takes over your life. You live and breathe it every day…every month. Having a baby becomes your focus. This easily occurs because when there is something that you want, that you can’t/don’t have, you start to see it EVERYWHERE around you!

I’ve been working at really putting God at my center, this is especially important to me during my waiting time. It’s very easy for me to be consumed by adoption and feel that everything in my world will finally be right once we get that one magical phone call. With this as my center I do believe that I will drive myself nuts and be obsessed! I daily remind myself of the truth that it is the Lord who completes me…not D and not a child. When I sit in the room that will hopefully one day become a baby room, I pray for God to fill me with his joy and presence and not stress that the room is empty.

Have I got this all figured out? Absolutely not!
Do I always feel at peace about the waiting and knowledge that God is what completes me? Nope!
Do I still stress about when I’m finally going to be a mom? Yep!

But I take great solace in the ways that God is working on my spirit. I turn to Him more quickly these days for peace in my heart. And my prayer is to honor who God is while waiting.

please don't say...#1

When you discover that someone without biological kids is planning to adopt a child, please don’t say…”Now you’re going to get pregnant!”

The stars and planets don’t line up in some magical way to cause conception as soon as the ink has dried on an adoption application form. The statistics do not show that more people become pregnant when they decide to pursue adoption. This is just simply not true.

And if someone does end up pregnant while they are in the adoption process please don’t automatically assume that they won’t want to adopt any more. Many of us who are in this, are in it for good. When D and I decided to pursue adoption we talked about what we would do if somewhere in this process we became pregnant. All along we have been completely in this, we know that at least one of our kids will be adopted regardless if we conceive or not. You can’t be in this 50%...not with all the paperwork and agency headaches! When someone in the adoption process becomes pregnant and now has to stop the process (in Canada you have to wait until the bio kid is at least 6m before pursuing adoption), please acknowledge their grief for the child they were expecting and anticipating through adoption.

And lastly, ALL babies are miracles. People have said that they are praying for us to have a “miracle baby.” We WILL have a miracle baby through adoption (and not in that it’s a miracle because it’s God’s divine plan kind of way) simply because I believe that every time a child enters the world it is a miracle. To be pregnant and in crisis is not a good situation, but the fact that conception took place is in and of itself a miracle. Egg and sperm meet in a hostile environment, it’s a wonder that anyone conceives! (Was that too much information?!).

cautious anticipation

It's a weird thing this waiting and anticipating a child through adoption. I was reminded today by a friend to find ways to approach this anticipation with excitement. I think I've lost some of the excitement I felt when we initially made the decision to pursue adoption. At that time I was just so relieved that we had finally made a decision and would have a family one way or the other. I will admit that some of the loss of my initial excitement is my own doing. Those of you who know me well, know that I tend to over think things...a lot! And why would I approach adoption any other way than the way I know best?! I have read countless articles and blog posts and a few books on adoptive parenting and transracial families (and I just ordered 3 new books today!). Considering I named my blog "eyes wide open" it should be somewhat apparent that it's really important to me to be informed and educated about the new journey my life will take.

However, in this process and the stress of dealing with the uncertainty of the Hague I have learned how to cautiously anticipate our future...and forgot how to be excited. It is also difficult to be excited when you have to create that excitement yourself. Besides my sister, who is uber excited all the time (!), no one around me is asking the questions expectant women generally get. And this makes sense since I don't exhibit any outward signs of expectant motherhood. Plus, I'm not sure that I would want to be asked all the same questions anyway. My point is just that the "pregnancy buzz" doesn't follow me so life on the outside looks completely the same, when in reality life for me has completely turned upside down! So my question then is how do I create some excitement in my life during this waiting and anticipating period? Of course...something that I will need to spend some time THINKING about!

to prepare or not to prepare

This is the question!

We will likely have a quick turn around time from the moment an expectant mother chooses us to when the baby is placed with us. Often it’s 24-48 hours! So then the question for me is do I start to prepare for a child or wait? Everyone has a different opinion on this one, even prospective adoptive parents. Considering that we won’t have much notice before flying to the US I feel that we need to do some preparing. But how much preparing does one do? I have little interest in walking by a baby room completely ready sans baby for months on end….but at the same time there are a few things that we can do now versus when we’re sleep deprived with a little one. So this is my conundrum! I really want to start preparing, but I don’t want to have to look at a completed but empty baby room! Especially with our uncertainty regarding the Hague and how the rules will impact our adoption process.

Even with all of our uncertainty I have decided to do some preparing because I’m feeling the pull and need to do it. I also need to do something for me to feel like the possibility of a child is real. I don’t have an expanding belly to constantly remind me that our lives are in for a dramatic change so I need to do other things to help me mentally prepare. I need to fold some sleepers, oogle over tiny newborn diapers, and get a diaper bag ready (that is one thing that we will need ASAP when we get the call!) to remind myself that someday, somehow, we will become a family of three.

its not a fairytale

I love fairytales. Always have.

But adoption is not a fairytale as is so often depicted in society. In society, adoption is the answer to teen pregnancy and abortion which results in a happy ending for an infertile couple. But this isn’t the whole picture.

When people find out our hopes to adopt a child, many have made comments like:
That is going to be one lucky baby!
Adoption is such a blessing
God has a baby picked out just for you

I’m really uncomfortable with these statements. I’m still not sure how to respond. It isn’t often that when speaking about adoption, people recognize the intense loss that occurs for every member of the triad. The first mother experiences intense loss and grief no matter what her situation is (just try reading some blogs by birth mothers to hear their grief), the child experiences loss and unnatural separation from his/her mother and the one person that he/she knew the best even from the womb, and the adoptive parents experience loss at never knowing or experiencing what it is like to have a biological child.

I don’t feel that I deserve a baby anymore then the next person. I don’t think that teen’s are completely unable to parent. I have witnessed teenage parenting countless times in my jobs and volunteer work, and although there are times when I wonder if parenting was the best choice for a particular child I never question the fact that this child is loved (I’m not speaking about abusive situations). I’m really acting out of selfishness because I desire to fulfill my need to have a child. But for us to add a member to our family causes great loss and sorrow in many other lives. I don’t mean to dwell on this but rather think it’s important for prospective adoptive parents to be aware of what is all involved with forming a family in this way. But this reality isn’t often discussed in the adoption world, especially by agencies.

Adoption IS a blessing, but it is preceded with intense loss. Once we get past the fairytale image, we can move forward to learn how to acknowledge and deal with the loss and create a pretty neat family! I am really excited about this journey ahead!