i've got your back

In my professional life I've come across many women who for either religious, cultural, personal, or reasons otherwise, have concealed their pregnancies. Sometimes for a long time.

I was only able to make it to 16 weeks before I needed to make the news public. I would have gone longer if I could have.

For me, concealing my pregnancy was a form of self-preservation. When telling those closest to me, I was able to explain where my head was at, how I was shocked beyond belief, and in a place of sadness. These friends listened, didn't offer platitudes. That was what I needed. To tell everyone meant opening myself up to comments and questions that I wasn't ready to receive.

Due to my tilted uterus I started showing very quickly -- far too quick for my liking. And once the news was public, I had no control over what was said by others and how it was said. This was still so early in my time of processing -- I was barely coming out of denial and the reaction of others to my pregnancy really impacted me.

As a result, I have walked into situations and immediately become overwhelmed with over-the-top excitement about this pregnancy. And when I react in a less than positive way people don't know what to do. When they heard the news, they didn't also hear the rest of our story.

I have a friend who is repeatedly approached by others with "the big question." She has told me that she's "got my back." When she discloses that, yes, I am indeed pregnant and hears the responses I have heard many times over, she tempers their excitement. She will explain to others how "oh, she just needed to adopt to get pregnant" and "now she'll have one of her own" are perhaps not the best things to say to me.

I am so thankful for this person in my life. A woman who has not walked the road of infertility, adoption, or an unplanned pregnancy, but who has tried to understand and empathize with each part of my story. She has done well.

I can't even explain the comfort felt after hearing the words...."I've got your back...."

So, thank you my dear friend. Thank you for listening and hearing. And for understanding and sharing.

please say...#1

Today I was out with baby T. I brought some new baby clothes that have never been worn to a consignment store. The store owner was very helpful and super nice. She disclosed that she was also an adoptive mom. They adopted their son domestically. She asked me a few questions about T and then asked in the most possible politically correct way...

"Now did you travel to get your little one?"

I immediately realized how she had framed this question. How she had asked where T was from, thinking likely another country but not outright assuming this. Quite different from the lady in the grocery store who, without engaging me in any sort of conversation related to adoption, asked if T was from Haiti.

I will take note of this question and use it in the future when encountering adoptive families.