celebrity status

T is a celebrity.

Well. He is a celebrity of sorts in our neighbourhood.

As mentioned previously, last spring/summer/fall, T and his daddy spent almost every late afternoon/early evening at our neighbourhood park.

And then. People who were strangers to me would call to T from across the street while walking by our house. I would finally figure out that these were park parents and kids. That made sense to me.

On T's first day of preschool, located in our neighbourhood, he was greeted by a parent I have never seen or heard of. He was greeted. Not me. When I gave her a questioning look, she explained something about knowing so-and-so who played at the park this summer.

That was when I started to realize that our family has a bit of a celebrity status in our small community. We live in a predominantly white neighbourhood. Our city is diverse but our local area isn't. T has multiple friends of color and we have sought out other environments that are diverse, but here, in our neighbourhood, he is noticed.

The way people notice him and us isn't in a negative way. People are all very kind and polite. It helps that T is quite the looker and has a fun out-going personality when around other kids. But it kind of bugs me. It's the idea that people think they know him and us because the way our family looks stands out. 

T is too young to figure out his stardom. I'm imagining some interesting conversations in our future about this. And I wonder what this summer at the park will be like as T's baby sister toddles after him. Because we are now one of "those" families, who has a bio kid after an adoption, which makes us stand out even more.

I'm just glad T is an easy-going kid and doesn't let too much get to him. Right now, he'll just bask in the pure joy of having a bunch of kids happy to see him and go play.

let's educate our kids on adoption

Please read this article.
 Parents, Please Educate Your Kids About Adoption So Mine Don't Have To. 

do your baby's hair...

At the beginning of the TV season this fall a number of my fave shows highlighted adoption story lines. One of those shows is Greys Anatomy. I'm not going to get into the story line but basically two of the main characters, Derek and Meredith, adopted a baby girl from Africa. So this is a transracial adoption. It was interesting to me that throughout the whole season never once did the issue of race come up related to this adoption -- even in discussions with the social worker. Until last week.

Here's the best clip.

I love that this is the way that they started the race discussion because it's so true to real life, and an every day issue. We transracial adoptive parents think and ponder the future racial concerns our families will face, but doing the hair well is a daily occurrence.

Now it would be nice if they continued racial discussions and touched on the myriad of other things related to being in a transracial adoption.

is it a gender thing?

I'm a part of a wonderful group of women that meet monthly to discuss books. But we're not like your average book club. All the women in this club are transracial adoptive moms and the books we read/discuss are all related to transracial adoption.

Our group is called ROOTS meaning belonging; the core; and to grow...which describes us as transracial adoptive parents and our kids as transracial adoptees.

We've just started reading through an excellent book called In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Own Stories. This book is a collection of interviews completed with transracial adoptees now in their 20's. A book I would definitely recommend.

We started at the beginning and read through 4 interviews with female adoptees and had lots to discuss regarding their stories. The next month we read through 4 male interviews and found that there was little to say. The stories shared by the women were in-depth and included a lot of emotional issues as well as difficulties finding their way in the black world after having lived in a white home. Whereas the men were more straight forward, stated things just as they were, and seemed to have little need to make adoption or the transracial piece of adoption into a big deal.

This made our group wonder...is it a gender thing?

I don't want to make sweeping statements. Especially considering that I've read books written by other male transracial adoptees which included a lot of emotion, introspection, and difficulty.

It's just an interesting observation and worth pondering as a mom who has adopted transracially.

crayola's gone multi-cultural

I need to share this post from Heather at Production Not Reproduction about crayola multicultural markers and crayons. 

How cool are these??!! I must find them!

confession friday - stalker version

I confess that I have been stalker-ish.

T and I attend a lovely play group. I'll usually go with a friend so we can chat while the kids are running crazy. All of the mom's at this group were strangers to me and it's a big group - it's open 4 days a week.

The play group is held in the sanctuary of our new church. They move all the chairs and set out amazing and wonderful toys. It is here that I chatted with a volunteer mom about their church and after that discussion D and I have been attending ever since. During that initial discussion I was told of a family that also attends the church with a black mom, white dad, and 2 biracial kids....and then she showed up at the play group later.

I have been stalking her ever since!

Let me explain.

She is lovely and her son appeared to be T's age so I have noticed her at church and play group. I've tried to encourage T's playing in the direction of where her son is but those of you who know my son, know that getting him to play in one spot is impossible. Then one day at the end of play group she was standing by the door, I said "bye" and she said "see you on Sunday." I was shocked. She had noticed me! So I stopped and we chatted for a bit and I found out that her son is 3 weeks younger then T. Perfect!

At church I have also exhibited stalker-ish behaviours as I'm the one bringing T back to kids church and I make sure I bump into every black mom that is doing the same. Pathetic I know.

I've chatted with the mom first met at play group a few times during church now. We even met up at play group together on purpose and chatted for awhile. And last Sunday after church she extended a future invitation to their house for lunch.

I joke about the stalker thing but there is some truth in that statement. If D and I are truly going to meet new families of color to invest in and hopefully have invest in us then we need to be intentional. This means going out of our way and comfortable bubble to meet people. Not all will develop into relationships with meaning but I hope some will.

I do have a very good feeling about the family from church that we have met. And I really hope that we can develop a friendship. 

And maybe someday I'll tell her about how I stalked her...

church shopping

I hesitate using the "church shopping" title given its negative connotations and very individualistic approach. However, let's call a spade a spade as that is exactly what D and I have been doing.

For a variety of reasons we took a year off of going to church. The break was important for us but it's now time to go back. Since we were not going to go back to our previous church we had an opportunity to look around. Get a sense of what's out there beyond our own denomination. The driving force in our hunt for a new church was diversity. Within minutes of entering a service I knew if we would be coming back or not. If one scan of the gathering resulted in a sea of white faces we would not be returning.

We tried a number of churches recommended to us because of potential diversity. One even had a pastor from Jamaica. But overwhelmingly the chairs were filled with white people. Honestly, I was ready to give up.

I must mention here that there are a number of churches filled with refugee and recent immigrant families. I work with newcomers in our city and love the many opportunities I have to interact and serve this population. When looking for a new church I am being selfish. Newcomer families experience many barriers when in a new country, immediate needs that I am well aware of. In looking for a church we are searching for us, for our needs. Selfish I know. Some parts of being a transracial family require this. There are times when we need to put T and our family first.

We are hoping to invest in and develop relationships with black families who have a certain sense of stability and are able to invest in our lives.

I had all but given up hope in our quest for a diverse church, when as a last resort I asked some questions to a women I was only trying to make conversation with. I thought why not ask...but I know what the answer will be as this community area appears quite white. I was slightly shocked (I'm sure my face showed it) when she told me that there was diversity in the church which included some black families with kids around T's age as well as a Hispanic population.

So we tried it out.

I did the scan...and smiled.

The church is still largely white but there are a number of black young adults, families, and older adults. More than any other church we've attended.

We've now been attending this church for a month and this last week noticed another black family with a boy who looks to be just a bit younger than T. I get little goose bumps thinking about potential opportunities to get to know these families. 

I think we found our church. This search was less about the preaching, singing, programs, community area and more about creating opportunities for T and our family. Now the harder part begins...working to intentionally get to know these families and hopefully develop relationships in the future.

roots

My close friend, who has a daughter adopted from Ethiopia, and I have started a support group.

An adoptive transracial parenting support group. And we're calling this group ROOTS...meaning belonging; the core; and to grow which describes us as transracial adoptive parents and our kids as transracial adoptees.

My friend and I spent many coffee evenings chatting about such a group but it has finally come together. We met for the first time a couple of weeks ago and plan to meet monthly while working through the book Inside Transracial Adoption.

I'm so excited about this new group in my life. Excited to grow and learn together with other parents who get it. Currently we're a group of 5 women and we chatted together about our stories and the book for 3 hours! We closed the Starbucks that night.

The significant pieces from that evening for me were that racial issues for our kids supersede regular adoption issues. Race infiltrates all aspects of adoption and is the lens with which our children will view themselves and the world. And how the world will view them. This only helps to strengthen my resolve to look for a racially diverse church and in the future a school, as well as intentionally develop relationships with other people of color.

The other is that I believe that first and foremost T is a child of God and will be raised with this knowledge. My hope is that this truth will help shape his understanding of who he is and how he fits into society and the world. As an adoptive parent I don't lean only on this truth but it is a part of the whole story.

The ROOTS group meets again in two weeks and I'm already anticipating the discussion and developing deep and lasting relationships with these moms. 

It's just another kind of "moms group."

how long...?

Questions from strangers are always interesting. Lately the same one has seemed to pop up with some regularity.

Stranger: "How old is he?"

Me: "16 months."

Stranger: "How long have you had him?"

I always answer with "since he was 2 days old."

 T is growing up. He's a toddler and at an age that many children from African countries find their forever families. When he was a newborn no one ever asked that question. People likely assumed that we had adopted him recently or maybe it was a domestic situation.

T's adoption is international, but he's American which hardly seems international to me. He's not from Ethiopia, Kenya, Ghana, or any other African country. I understand why the question is asked. He's black, I'm white and thanks to Angelina most people are more familiar with an overseas international adoption versus that of the USA.

But what the question does is bring to the forefront that T is adopted and that I am an adoptive mom. He's not just my son...but an adopted child. I'm not just a mom...but an adoptive mom. We're labeled. 

I'm never really sure where to go next in these conversations. I want to say...thanks for reminding me I'm an adoptive mom because I forgot...or...why does it matter to you...or...are you just trying to make conversation...or...why don't you talk to me like any other mom with a toddler? 

But I don't. I just answer the question and leave it at that. I'll wait to see how they respond, hope they drop the subject, and carry on with whatever we're doing. A few people have responded by commenting that we've had him for awhile. Not really sure what to say after that....um...good observation?! Does having him since birth give my adoptive mom status more validity? I'm just glad that so far no one has felt the need to continue their questioning and ask about his first mom or how it is that we got him at 2 days old.

I wonder how long people will ask me this question. Perhaps when T is old enough to understand it won't be as important for others to know exactly when we became a family. In the meantime, I'm beginning to anticipate the question. And I don't stew all day when it's asked. Questions are a part of being a transracial family. I just find the questions interesting and am sometimes surprised how they affect me and cause me to ponder my role and how comfortable I am in it.

what not to say

I recently stumbled across this great post about what not to say to transracial adoptive families. I honestly can't believe the nerve of some people.

off the shelf

Today I was asked a question. Not just any sort of question, but one that I will be asked countless times in my future.

I was paying for a service and T was walking around playing a form of hide-in-seek with a man that I've spoken with maybe half a dozen times. T was so cute. He'd run to the edge of the counter and peek at the man and then run back to stand by my legs.

The man then asked me:

"Where'd you get him?"

Not even the "where is he from" form of this question, but "where'd you get him."

My mind reacted negatively to this question and I could feel my body stiffen slightly. What was a cute situation just became awkward for me. In the split second it took me to answer him I tried to think of a way that would indicate that there are perhaps better ways to ask this question. But of course I couldn't.

All I said is that he is from the States. What I was thinking was,"we didn't pick him off the shelf of Wal-Mart you moron."

He asked me a few other questions about adoption (one related to how long it took and pointed out that our 18 month process was 2 pregnancies...ha ha.) but I knew immediately that I would not engage him in adoption conversation. I was glad that we needed to leave shortly.

If you see families that were likely created by transracial adoption, I don't think it is necessary to ask about the child's county of birth. That bit of information is generally just related to curiosity. And curiosity killed the cat.

I know people mean well. And I'm certain that this man didn't intend to make me feel awkward. This is still all quite new for me. Most of the questioning from strangers hasn't started yet. I know I will encounter similar situations in the future and some will be worse.

In hindsight, I should have asked the question back to him..."do you mean to ask, where is he from?"

I'll remember next time.

speaking about transracial adoption

I love this clip from Adoption Learning Partners. Both mother and son have some important things to say about transracial adoption.

I'm trying to imagine one day sitting beside T in a similar way.

hair and skin care 101

This week I attended an information session on how to care for black hair and skin at a local salon (this is where I take T). It was so informative and I am amazed at how I continue to learn new information on how to care for T's hair. Once I think I've got it I come across information that suggests otherwise.

T's hair regime is by far the question that friends and family ask the most often. So for those of you reading...here is the current plan.

The Basics:

• T is bathed twice a week.
• Hair is washed once a week because it is so dry. This includes shampoo, wash-out conditioner, leave-in conditioner, and lastly a spray moisturizer.
• On non-wash days we wet T's hair and then spray it with a moisturizer.
• A wide tooth comb is used to comb through T's hair. And his hair absolutely must be wet for us to comb it.
• Anytime T's hair gets really wet we're supposed to use the spray moisturizer.
• When swimming in a chlorinated pool we put the leave-in conditioner in his hair and when drying off we spray it with the moisturizer. When swimming in a non-chlorinated pool we just need to use the spray afterward.
• To care for his skin we lotion him up every morning and evening. Lately I've been using shea butter on his knees because they are quite beat up from him crawling around in shorts.

The Products:
We use Peek-A-Boo Tearless Shampoo from It's A Curl! to wash T's hair. This little bottle set us back $15 (Canadian) but at the time we didn't know what else to get and since this product is made specifically for babies we decided to purchase it (and others from the same line). The shampoo works really nicely and it's easy to wash out of the hair. Since T's hair is short we don't end up using very much.

Once this little bottle is empty we will purchase a decent regular shampoo as we have since learned that what you wash/condition the hair with is not necessarily as important as what you leave in the hair.


T's leave-in conditioner Patty Cake Conditioner is from the same It's A Curl! line. Again, an expensive little bottle but since we are only washing/conditioning once a week we use very little. Once this is empty we'll purchase a regular conditioner.








The last product we use from the It's A Curl! line is the Ring Around The Curlies leave-in conditioner. I really like this product as it leaves T's hair smelling quite nice. However, I've since learned that this leave-in isn't thick enough for the texture of T's hair so I need to start using a lot more.

Once this product is finished I'll be on the hunt for an appropriate leave-in that will work well with T's hair. This will be something that would never work in a white child's hair as it will be way too heavy. I will be consulting T's hairdresser when we get to this point!



The last product we use in T's four product regime on wash days (this kid has more hair products than I do!) is the Braid Sheen Spray from African Gold. This product was recommended by T's hairdresser and we were able to pick this up at Wal-Mart. Any sort of moisturizing and conditioning product made for black hair will work. This product we use daily.







At the information session I learned that we need to add another product to T's weekly regime. A hair/scalp conditioner or otherwise known as "oiling your scalp". We haven't purchased this product yet and the sample we have to try isn't from African Gold. I can't remember the name of our sample oil product but once again I'll be speaking with T's hairdresser for more info on this. I'm not sure if we're supposed to use this product on his wash day or pick a different day of the week.




Can't stress how important it is to find a hairdresser who knows and understands black hair. T's hairdresser is the same woman who held the information session and I've been getting to know her a little bit. It was really important to me that T's hair was cut by someone with brown skin and I'm so pleased with the salon that we have found.

I did ask about learning how to cut T's hair myself since if we keep it short he will need a cut every 4-6 weeks. But as someone beside me in the session said...I wouldn't cut a biological child's hair on my own so why would I try to cut my adoptive child's hair? Very true.

So there you have it. Hair and skin care 101!

book: inside transracial adoption

I am reading a new book titled Inside Transracial Adoption by Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall. I'm only part way through but I am quite impressed with the content. This is from the inside cover:

Inside Transracial Adoption provides creative, confident, pro-active, and provocative guidance for parents who are experienced veterans or who are considering transracial adoption for the first time. Whether through domestic or international adoption the authors offer direction for building close, loving, and very real families consisting of individuals who are proud and culturally competent members of differing races.

In the first chapter The Challenges of Transracial Adoption the authors cite what they believe to be indisputable principles of transracial adoption:

• transracial adoption is more complex than same-race adoption
• visible differences between parents and children increase challenges to their acceptance as a family unit
• there are predictable developmental stages for transracial adoptive families which are different from those of same-race families
• issues regarding racial or ethnic awareness and development of positive racial identity must be addressed

In a larger context, what makes these core principles indisputable are these broader truths...

• adoption is a response to a life crisis
• race matters
• transracial adoption issues are not easy or comfortable subjects to discus
  
• adoptive families need to develop the desire and capacity to help themselves
• families built by transracial adoption can let challenges beat them down or they can embrace their issues - a process which only builds strength

Lastly...

If we are successful at giving transracially adopted children all that they need, we will raise adults with a unique ability to understand and interact with white-dominated society, while retaining proud membership in their own racial community.

I like this book.

why are you brown?

D and I recently visited the zoo with baby T (his first time). D was holding T near a play area and was approached by a child.

Child: Why did you get a brown one and not a white one?

D: (not sure what to say)

Child: Why is he brown?

D (smiling pleasantly): Why are you white?

Child: I was made that way.

D: Yeah. You're white because you were made that way. And he is brown because he was made that way.

Child's parent joins the conversation.

Parent: You were made white and you are perfect just like he was made brown and he is perfect too.

Child goes back to playing.

The questions have begun...

a conversation at costco

Awhile back my sister and I were shopping at Costco. T was with us. We had paid for our items (why is it that you always leave Costco buying more than you intended?!) and my sister was waiting with T while I got a hot dog. An older gentleman approached my sister and asked...

Man: Is this your baby?

Sister: No. He's my nephew.

Man: Why is he so dark?

Sister: Um...because his mom and dad are...

Then she turned away from him signifying that the conversation was over.

People are weird and say even weirder things. This man was likely wondering how a biracial baby was so dark since he would have assumed that one of his parents was white. I wonder what he would have said if I had been with T...

Sometimes it's better to keep your thoughts to yourself.

crash course in transracial parenting

For everyone who is a transracial adoptive parent or who is considering adopting transracially please take a look at John Raible's must read post crash course in transracial parenting. Looks to be quite a challenging course (I've read a few of the books he has suggested and they aren't easy reads) but worth it.

Wish I could find a few adoptive/prospective adoptive parents in my area who are willing to get down and dirty, talk honesty about the adoptee and first parent perspective, and really invest the time and energy to complete a course like this together.

If you know me, live here, and are interested, please contact me!

it's all about the hair

Admittedly there are times that baby T's hair and skin care stress me out just a teensy bit! And he's a boy...can't imagine the time and energy that goes into caring for the hair of a girl.

T had his first haircut at 4 months. It was so frizzy, fuzzy, and long on top as well as at the back underneath the stellar bald spot he was sporting. My hairdresser, who was very comfortable cutting T's hair, just trimmed it up and shaved a bit at the back. When I saw him after the cut I almost had tears in my eyes...gone was my baby and here was this big boy smiling at me. (And for all of you that know us personally...yes, I am very aware that my baby has been a big boy for quite some time now!).

His hair is getting longer and a bit fuzzy on the top again and I wasn't sure what to do. Do I get it cut again? Am I using the special hair products correctly? Is there something else I should be doing?

I have no problems asking for advice when it comes to this sort of thing. So this week I ventured out to a new hair salon owned by a black couple. A friend of mine is running their communications and marketing campaign so I had heard of this new boutique already and then a few fellow white moms with brown children had spoken with the owner and had great things to say. I felt this would be a good place to start asking some of my questions specific to T's hair and skin.

I walked into the salon and was greeted by three lovely ladies who immediately fell all over T proclaiming his cuteness! The owner was one of these women and she greeted us with such warmth and openness. I'm always just a tad bit nervous when approaching people of color because I'm not entirely sure what they will think about my family. I love the way my family looks but not everyone else will. The salon owner didn't even hesitate once during our conversation about T and as we chatted I became more and more comfortable with her.

We talked about T's hair and skin for probably 20 minutes. I told her about the "it's a curl" products we are using (shampoo, wash-out conditioner, and leave-in conditioner). I asked her about daily hair care. We chatted a bit about other products available. And finally I asked some questions about skin care.

Turns out we are doing a fairly good job at keeping our munchkin looking good! I did learn something really important tough. She sprayed some leave-in conditioner on T's hair and combed it. As I watched her I realized that she had just inadvertently taught me something...how to comb his hair! Such a seemingly simple task and for most white moms of white children this is a no brainer. The next day I used my leave-in conditioner and combed it the same way she did and success! His hair looks so much better for longer during the day now.

The other thing we've done to improve the look of his hair is start using satin. A friend sewed a lovely blue satin band that fits around T's crib mattress. So baby T sleeps on satin and it really does work to keep his hair looking nice after naps.

I will go back to this salon in the future. It's really important to me that T's hair is cut by someone who knows what they are doing and that this person has brown skin. In the end I didn't purchase anything from the salon but I gained some valuable advice. The owner gave me her card with her email address on it and said to email or call anytime with questions. How sweet and I will definitely take her up on that offer. I've also been thinking about ways she may be able to connect with other transracial families that live here. I'd love to attend a class about hair and skin care for brown babies. I might have to put the bug in her ear!

So the hair is looking pretty good around here.

Now if I could only figure out how to stop people from messing with his hair...

please don't say...#5

Most of the time when we encounter strangers T and I get big smiles and "he's SO cute!" So far no one has made really inconsiderate comments about our family.

However, the comment we have heard over and over is...

"I always wanted a black baby."

I am extremely irritated by this statement and my return reply is always "then you should have married a black man."

I did not pick T off the shelves of Zellers, choosing a black baby because of the novelty that it is. We thought long and hard about being open to different races when choosing to build our family through adoption. The fact that we are a transracial family changes each of our lives in very significant ways. D and I need to be extremely intentional in how we parent and will not be able to take certain things for granted that families of the same color do.

I think what irritates me the most when people tell me they always wanted a black baby is that they will never look at our family in 4 years and say they always wanted a black toddler, or in 14 years and they always wanted a black teenager, or that they always wanted a black son-in-law. Let's face it, in general, black babies are cuter then white babies and this is by far the reason people make the above statement.

Yes, he is absolutely adorable. But please don't tell me you always wanted a black baby, which in a round about way implies that he is an accessory, a novelty, and belittles our intentional decisions on how to build our family.

book recommendation

I recently read an excellent book that I would highly recommend to anyone interested in reading about African slavery in America. The Book of Negroes is historical fiction written by Lawrence Hill (Canadian author!). This book is stunning and I believe a must read for transracial families with African American children.

Abducted as an 11-year-old child from her village in West Africa and forced to walk for months to the sea in a coffle - a string of slaves - Aminata Diallo is sent to live as a slave in South Carolina. But years later, she forges her way to freedom, serving the British in the Revolutionary War and registering her name in the historic "Book of Negroes". This book, an actual document, provides a short but immensely revealing record of freed Loyalist slaves who requested permission to leave the US for resettlement in Nova Scotia, only to find that the haven they sought was steeped in an oppression all of its own. Aminata's eventual return to Sierra Leone - passing ships carrying thousands of slaves bound for America - is an engrossing account of an obscure but important chapter in history that saw 1,200 former slaves embark on a harrowing back-to-Africa odyssey.

Lawrence Hill is a master at transforming the neglected corners of history into brilliant imaginings, as engaging and revealing as only the best historical fiction can be. A sweeping story that transports the reader from a tribal African village to a plantation in the southern United States, from the teeming Halifax docks to the manor houses of London, The Book of Negroes introduces one of the strongest female characters in recent Canadian fiction, one who cuts a swath through a world hostile to her colour and her sex.