ears to hear

A few of the comments to my post "I thought you couldn't get pregnant..." were of this nature, written by Anonymous*:

The content of the question is intrusive and can feel violating, but at its heart it would seem that it is friendly curiosity, or delighted astonishment...a chance to celebrate what to the other might seem a miracle. I think it's great to educate people to have them understand how they come across...but my hunch is that if you let them know how rude they seemed to you, they would be surprised as that would be the farthest from their intent...I wonder if it doesn't make sense to hear, "blah blah blah" and see the joy in their eyes and acknowledge the love therein.

This is not the first time others have let me know that most people aren't vindictive and mean well enough with their curious questions. I agree that many of the questions I get make sense when thinking about either our adoption or pregnancy situations.

However, that doesn't make it right or fair for people to ask the questions or make the comments.

Remember that I always have little ears with me who hear. Those ears will hear all comments and questions and will not be able to discern whether they were made in good will. It is those ears that are my first priority. It isn't just about me dealing with rude and inappropriate comments, it's about me always putting my child(ren) first.

While a comment directed towards my "miracle" pregnancy may seem benign enough to the average person, it speaks volumes to me and the little boy sitting beside me. They are comments that I will have to explain to him and then help him understand why people say the things they do. 

So. No. I can't completely acknowledge the love in the eyes of someone who makes comments related to adoption or pregnancy and see it as friendly curiosity, no matter how innocent it may be. I can't just give people the benefit of the doubt and I can't just let it go.

My role is that of mama bear. To know that my child(ren) have ears that will hear all. And then to be aware of constructive ways to deal with all comments and questions that protect my child(ren).

*Please know that I have no issue with people disagreeing with my take on things, but an anonymous comment is up for using how I desire.

i thought you couldn't get pregnant...

This is another statement to which I must respond. Definitely more than a handful of people have made this comment upon discovering my pregnancy.

My sense is that this is a curious inquiry. People are wondering what my fertility story is. Of course one would assume that I am infertile upon meeting my son...but now that I'm pregnant that assumption isn't as secure. So they thought they once knew how to categorize my family, but now they're not so sure.

I do know of people who have chosen to start their families through adoption and then add biological children -- this is not a large demographic but it does exist. So perhaps people now wonder if this is my story.

Regardless, my fertility story is my own to share with whom and when I want. And it shouldn't matter to anyone how my family came to be. But for some reason, those around me feel it is necessary to ask questions such as this.

And, like other comments, this sort of invalidates the adoption process in my life. Because if I could in fact get pregnant, then why did I adopt a child instead of having a bio child first. Let's just make all the comments we can that erase the intentional process of how my family started. And then let's find more comments that cause me to explain my bodily functions and justify why my family began with adoption. For pete's sake. It. Does. Not. Matter.

Anyway, I still need to respond to these interesting inquiries. Would love to say something witty and perhaps sarcastic with a touch of humor....but alas, that is not a gift of mine. If you have any thoughts as to a response please message me, I could use some help!

everything happens for a reason - repost

As people are discovering our pregnancy news we have once again been recipients of the "everything happens for a reason" comment. This is a re-post from summer 2009. The original post below was written by a friend who gave me permission to share. It's a good post, worth reading, and thinking through with depth.

Everything happens for a reason.

Really?

AIDS infected Africa, the killing fields of Cambodia, ethnic cleansing in Rwanda and Darfur, cancer, chronic illness, miscarriage, depression, car crashes, schizophrenia, sexual/physical/emotional abuse, the list is endless. It seems utterly ridiculous to me to suggest that behind each of these there would be a reason for their happening, especially a reason that justfies the gravity of the tragedy experienced. It begs the question of whether or not there is always cosmic purpose driving seemingly senseless circumstances.

The God I serve made a good creation. Evil enters the scene apart from God, with disobedience on the part of Adam and Eve who responded to the tempting of the serpent. Within the pages of Scripture it does not suggest that God prompted the serpent to test his creatures so that they could be strengthened in their resolve to God. He did not, according to Scripture, have a part in the act of defiance - apart from previously setting the Tree as off limits. Yes, he did make that tree in the garden, the one that Adam and Eve were to avoid - in essence, he created the opportunity for evil to pervade his creation. Why did he do it? Could he just not have bothered with the fated Tree altogether? It would be lovely, but God gave Adam and Eve free will and in order to give them the opportunity to express their free will it was necessary for them to face a moral dilemma in which they had to choose. In the choosing against God, Adam and Eve disrupted the created order...the good order...and invited into the human experience an array of ills. I firmly believe that the chaos we experience today is not related directly to God's purposing, but instead to this defiant act of our ancestors.

When everything happens for a reason is spouted, it implies then that God is behind everything. If that were true it would seem likely that he would have chosen to intervene in the whole Tree fiasco in the first place. It implies that the free will God gave us isn't very free. It would suggest that we are more like pawns than people with the power to choose. It implies that the horrific ills that plague us are ordained at the prompting of God. I am confident that God is present in everything, that even in the darkest of times and in the midst of the most vile acts that the Lord is present. But his presence doesn't imply his purpose.

Forgive me for getting riled up at the mention of these five simple words, but this seemingly innocent statement carries deep theological implications and I will not for a moment join in and agree with any ounce of my being that the good God I serve is the driving force behind suffering.

The death of a young mother, hungry and orphaned children combing dirty streets, broken families, empty arms and aching hearts - I don't think they're purposed. Redeemed? Definitely. Opportunities to experience the Lord's nearness in a way that might not have happened otherwise? For sure. God is in the business of redeeming and restoring. In clothing Adam and Eve as he sent them out of Eden he shows that he is still caring for them. There is a rupture in relationship, but he is present in their circumstance and is working within it. I think he works within the ruptures that sin has brought into the created order today, too.

So before everything happens for a reason slips out of your lips, I offer you an alternative. It's shorter, simpler, and far more catchy. And I think that it's a much more theologically sound alternative that leaves the character of God intact.

Ready?

Shit happens.

 
AMEN. 

My purpose for reposting this excellent discourse was not to imply that my current situation equates shit happening in life. I, along with many others, simply find no solace in those 5 words and feel that they have no theological basis. My unplanned and very unexpected pregnancy is not purposed, but God is definitely present and He is working within us and our family.

what not to say

I recently stumbled across this great post about what not to say to transracial adoptive families. I honestly can't believe the nerve of some people.

off the shelf

Today I was asked a question. Not just any sort of question, but one that I will be asked countless times in my future.

I was paying for a service and T was walking around playing a form of hide-in-seek with a man that I've spoken with maybe half a dozen times. T was so cute. He'd run to the edge of the counter and peek at the man and then run back to stand by my legs.

The man then asked me:

"Where'd you get him?"

Not even the "where is he from" form of this question, but "where'd you get him."

My mind reacted negatively to this question and I could feel my body stiffen slightly. What was a cute situation just became awkward for me. In the split second it took me to answer him I tried to think of a way that would indicate that there are perhaps better ways to ask this question. But of course I couldn't.

All I said is that he is from the States. What I was thinking was,"we didn't pick him off the shelf of Wal-Mart you moron."

He asked me a few other questions about adoption (one related to how long it took and pointed out that our 18 month process was 2 pregnancies...ha ha.) but I knew immediately that I would not engage him in adoption conversation. I was glad that we needed to leave shortly.

If you see families that were likely created by transracial adoption, I don't think it is necessary to ask about the child's county of birth. That bit of information is generally just related to curiosity. And curiosity killed the cat.

I know people mean well. And I'm certain that this man didn't intend to make me feel awkward. This is still all quite new for me. Most of the questioning from strangers hasn't started yet. I know I will encounter similar situations in the future and some will be worse.

In hindsight, I should have asked the question back to him..."do you mean to ask, where is he from?"

I'll remember next time.

why i don't like the word "gotcha"

"Gotcha Day" is a day celebrated by adoptive families to recognize the day their child entered the family.

Today is the day, one year ago, that we took custody of T and he came home (to the hotel) with us. Around 2:00 pm we all left the hospital together. D and I put the car seat holding T in our car. J and her case worker got into a different car. And we each went our respective ways. That day was full of so much joy and sorrow.

I'm not sure I can celebrate this day in the way that "gotcha" implies. When we "got him"...J "lost him". Yes, I am fully aware that she signed paperwork to relinquish parental rights...blah, blah, blah. But I still don't doubt that to walk out of the hospital without her son was very difficult, no matter what her reasons for placement were. The words "gotcha day" seems very adoptive parent-centered, and gives little thought to the life that was left behind for the adoptee and the significance of the day for his/her first mom. We, as adoptive parents often choose to spend more time thinking about our joy and blessing and how to celebrate...after all we are the ones who gained.

In a recent issue of Adoptive Families magazine an article was written on this very topic. The author, an adoptive mother, wrote,

I find the use of "gotcha" to describe the act of adoption both astonishing and offensive. Aside from being parent-centered ("C'mere, little orphan, I gotcha now!") it smacks of acquiring a possession, not welcoming a new person into your life."

Her language may be viewed as harsh but I think she brings up an important point. I already need to battle comments that imply I placed an order at Babies R Us to get a cute black baby, so why would I encourage words that suggest something similar.

Some argue that celebrating "gotcha day" normalizes adoption and the ways in which our families have been created. However, I have to wonder if pointing out this day has the opposite effect. Once T entered our family we became, in a sense, plain ole regular parents. Do families created by biology celebrate similar days? Is there a "conception day"? The world will always remind us that we are an adoptive family and celebrating this day in a monumental way is just another way to point out how we are different.

T will know his adoptive story and will be familiar with how he entered our family. D and I will initiate discussion and be open to his promptings about his story throughout the year. Do we really need to mark today as the day we "got him?" I realize that our story of a newborn adoption where we took custody two days after birth is different from an international adoption, but in both instances I am uncomfortable with using "gotcha."

This is a hotly debated topic. Read through the comments to the AF article to get a sense of how much, but note that the vast majority of comments are from adoptive parents. Take a poke around some adoptee or first mom blogs and you'll find a different perspective. Most things in adoption are driven by emotion. We become quite passionate about our stance or way of doing things. In the end, whether or not adoptive families choose to celebrate the day their child entered the family, the other triad members must be acknowledged. All members.

To celebrate the way our family was united using the word "gotcha" cheapens it in a way for me. Perhaps there are better words to use that mark the moment adoptive families are created.

a pregnant woman is NOT a birth mom until papers are signed

Please.

Say it with me.

A pregnant woman is NOT a birth mom until she has signed relinquishment paperwork.

I continue to see...on so many prospective adoptive parent blogs...inappropriate language used to describe a woman who is considering adoption for her unborn child.

Until papers have been signed, every pregnant woman is an expectant mother.

Bottom line.

I really wish more people in adoption land would get this. Especially adoptive parents. The general public may be confused about adoption language, but we shouldn't be.

We all talk about respecting "birth moms" and acknowledging the difficult decisions they are facing.

Then let's respect all women who are considering placement and do them the courtesy of not using labels before any decisions have been made.

a conversation at costco

Awhile back my sister and I were shopping at Costco. T was with us. We had paid for our items (why is it that you always leave Costco buying more than you intended?!) and my sister was waiting with T while I got a hot dog. An older gentleman approached my sister and asked...

Man: Is this your baby?

Sister: No. He's my nephew.

Man: Why is he so dark?

Sister: Um...because his mom and dad are...

Then she turned away from him signifying that the conversation was over.

People are weird and say even weirder things. This man was likely wondering how a biracial baby was so dark since he would have assumed that one of his parents was white. I wonder what he would have said if I had been with T...

Sometimes it's better to keep your thoughts to yourself.

please don't say...#5

Most of the time when we encounter strangers T and I get big smiles and "he's SO cute!" So far no one has made really inconsiderate comments about our family.

However, the comment we have heard over and over is...

"I always wanted a black baby."

I am extremely irritated by this statement and my return reply is always "then you should have married a black man."

I did not pick T off the shelves of Zellers, choosing a black baby because of the novelty that it is. We thought long and hard about being open to different races when choosing to build our family through adoption. The fact that we are a transracial family changes each of our lives in very significant ways. D and I need to be extremely intentional in how we parent and will not be able to take certain things for granted that families of the same color do.

I think what irritates me the most when people tell me they always wanted a black baby is that they will never look at our family in 4 years and say they always wanted a black toddler, or in 14 years and they always wanted a black teenager, or that they always wanted a black son-in-law. Let's face it, in general, black babies are cuter then white babies and this is by far the reason people make the above statement.

Yes, he is absolutely adorable. But please don't tell me you always wanted a black baby, which in a round about way implies that he is an accessory, a novelty, and belittles our intentional decisions on how to build our family.

baby t is an "other"

Yesterday I filled out a form to add T to my work insurance plan. I needed to complete the section titled "addition of dependent spouse and/or child." These were my options...

Legal spouse
Common law spouse
Natural son
Natural daughter
Other

Mmmm....

I was less than impressed with these options. I understand what they mean and given the common occurrence of blended families today they couldn't possibly include all potential categories (for lack of a better word). However, I would have preferred the word biological versus natural. Is T unnatural? And there must be a better way to format this form.

Why does it matter anyway to my employer whether or not my spouse is legal or common law? If my son entered our family through biology or adoption? A spouse should be a spouse and a child a child. Either way I need to show documentation that I have a dependent and my coverage doesn't change depending on how my child entered my family. (For that matter, what difference does it make if the child is male or female?).

Checking off the "other" box contributes to my feelings that I haven't earned motherhood. That I'm not a "real" mom. Thanks, Blue Cross, for your help in this.

Oh, and I will be writing them a letter. I've already got the name of the person to send it too. I can work for change...one form at a time!

some people...

This is a conversation I had with my hair stylist just after we got "the call".

Me: Guess what?! We finally got THE CALL last week! I might be a mom very soon!

K: Oh how exciting! That's it. I'm definitely going to adopt now. (Said with a blase kind of attitude implying that she can just sign something and it would all be done).

Me: Well, it's not quite that easy. This has been one of the most difficult things I have ever experienced.

K: It can't be more difficult than being knocked up for 9 months.

Me: ...dumbfounded...

please don't say...#4

When you discover that someone is planning to adopt a child, please don’t say…”At least you don’t have to get big and go through labor.”

Seriously?

Only one person has made reference to the above statement to me and the next person who does better watch out. I might have to get violent! For someone to enter the adoption process because it is “easier” then birthing a biological child is a load of crap. There are likely adoptive parents out there who actually think this, which would make me wonder if they know anything about the process at all.

Going through this process is one of the hardest things I have ever done and I’ve experienced some pretty difficult situations in my life. Granted our adoption experience thus far has been riddled with over-the-top frustration and difficulty while others often go more smoothly. At this point, I would take 48 hours of excruciating pain over a year of unbelievable stress. It is not my intent to minimize the pain and difficulty that occurs during childbirth or make this into a competition. I’m merely asking for some perspective.

please don't say...#3

When you discover that someone is planning to adopt a child, please don’t say…"So you can’t have your own kids?"

I still get all flustered when asked this question. Firstly, I’m irritated with the question because it generally comes right after I’ve shared with someone, often an acquaintance type friend that D and I are in the process of adoption. This question quickly shifts the focus from our excitement over an adoption and family to genetics and fertility. I end up feeling that adoption is second best and a less valid way of forming a family. I feel like I have to defend our choice and how it is an exciting time in our lives. And secondly, what does it matter to an acquaintance anyway? When it comes to talking about reproduction it seems there are no boundaries. I don’t know what sort of answer people expect to get when asking this question. Do they want to hear about our experience at a fertility clinic? Do they want a run down of how long we’ve tried, what we’ve tried? Do they want to hear about the loss and grief? Maybe I should launch into a descriptive explanation of the hysterosalpingogram test...that might divert the question!

For the record, I really don’t have a problem sharing my story with someone who is genuine in asking.

I realize that some of my reaction to this question is my own issue and I need to learn how to deal with the emotions that come up for me. But I always react to the use of the word “own.” This child will be ours in that we will have been given legal responsibility to care for him/her. What the person means to ask is "can you have biological kids?" but instead biology is equated with ownership. I’m sorry but no one "owns" their children whether they were birthed or adopted. Parents have been given the responsibility to take care of a child but they are not possessions. Isn’t parenting a process of letting go anyway?

So please remember, the correct word to use is "biological" when speaking about your kids to someone who has adopted a child or is in the process. And determine if you really need to ask the fertility related questions (or look for the right time) or can you instead be excited for prospective adoptive parents and look forward with them, joining them in that journey.

please don't say...#2

When you discover that someone is planning to adopt a child, please don’t say…”You can take (or borrow) mine for awhile!”

This statement completely minimizes the adoption process. Firstly, and most importantly, this minimizes what expectant mothers experience as they contemplate their options and consider making an adoption plan for their child. First mothers who relinquish rights do not make half-hearted decisions. This is not an “off the cuff” sort of thing so to casually offer your child to anyone is disrespectful of adoptee’s first families. Secondly, this statement minimizes what the prospective adoptive parents are going through in general and their possible process of walking through infertility. You may have been able to easily reproduce but many others have not, so don’t flaunt your offspring through casual offers. Plus, what would you do or say if someone actually said "yes!" to the offer?

Okay…was that a bit harsh? Possibly, but it needed to be said. This is how I have felt when someone “offers” their kids to me (yes, this has happened more then once). I get that raising kids is tough and frustrating, but the next time you’re willing to lend them out think about what that statement may portray to others.

please don't say...#1

When you discover that someone without biological kids is planning to adopt a child, please don’t say…”Now you’re going to get pregnant!”

The stars and planets don’t line up in some magical way to cause conception as soon as the ink has dried on an adoption application form. The statistics do not show that more people become pregnant when they decide to pursue adoption. This is just simply not true.

And if someone does end up pregnant while they are in the adoption process please don’t automatically assume that they won’t want to adopt any more. Many of us who are in this, are in it for good. When D and I decided to pursue adoption we talked about what we would do if somewhere in this process we became pregnant. All along we have been completely in this, we know that at least one of our kids will be adopted regardless if we conceive or not. You can’t be in this 50%...not with all the paperwork and agency headaches! When someone in the adoption process becomes pregnant and now has to stop the process (in Canada you have to wait until the bio kid is at least 6m before pursuing adoption), please acknowledge their grief for the child they were expecting and anticipating through adoption.

And lastly, ALL babies are miracles. People have said that they are praying for us to have a “miracle baby.” We WILL have a miracle baby through adoption (and not in that it’s a miracle because it’s God’s divine plan kind of way) simply because I believe that every time a child enters the world it is a miracle. To be pregnant and in crisis is not a good situation, but the fact that conception took place is in and of itself a miracle. Egg and sperm meet in a hostile environment, it’s a wonder that anyone conceives! (Was that too much information?!).