its not a fairytale

I love fairytales. Always have.

But adoption is not a fairytale as is so often depicted in society. In society, adoption is the answer to teen pregnancy and abortion which results in a happy ending for an infertile couple. But this isn’t the whole picture.

When people find out our hopes to adopt a child, many have made comments like:
That is going to be one lucky baby!
Adoption is such a blessing
God has a baby picked out just for you

I’m really uncomfortable with these statements. I’m still not sure how to respond. It isn’t often that when speaking about adoption, people recognize the intense loss that occurs for every member of the triad. The first mother experiences intense loss and grief no matter what her situation is (just try reading some blogs by birth mothers to hear their grief), the child experiences loss and unnatural separation from his/her mother and the one person that he/she knew the best even from the womb, and the adoptive parents experience loss at never knowing or experiencing what it is like to have a biological child.

I don’t feel that I deserve a baby anymore then the next person. I don’t think that teen’s are completely unable to parent. I have witnessed teenage parenting countless times in my jobs and volunteer work, and although there are times when I wonder if parenting was the best choice for a particular child I never question the fact that this child is loved (I’m not speaking about abusive situations). I’m really acting out of selfishness because I desire to fulfill my need to have a child. But for us to add a member to our family causes great loss and sorrow in many other lives. I don’t mean to dwell on this but rather think it’s important for prospective adoptive parents to be aware of what is all involved with forming a family in this way. But this reality isn’t often discussed in the adoption world, especially by agencies.

Adoption IS a blessing, but it is preceded with intense loss. Once we get past the fairytale image, we can move forward to learn how to acknowledge and deal with the loss and create a pretty neat family! I am really excited about this journey ahead!

travelling documents

I am continually amazed at the amount of miles our documents are travelling. We should be getting extra air miles or something! Our agency is split between 2 provinces so papers travel back and forth multiple times which gets quite frustrating. Then unbeknownst to us our file was recently sent to Ottawa for authentication (which basically means someone verifies that yes, the notary at our agency is in fact a notary...I'm not making this up!). We were initially told that this process would take 2-3 weeks, then told that it would be 7-10 days, and this week found out that it really takes 20 working days.....at least a month for someone to add another stamp which seems unnecessary. Gee whiz. Much of this process is so inefficient. At times I wonder if our file will ever leave this country!

marketing babies

Today I came across a website advertising “situations” as they called them of women who are due in the next few months and these babies will be available for adoption. They even include the price of the adoption! I am struck by how children have become a commodity to advertise and “sell.” Children are not possessions. We are given the responsibility of their care but they are not ours to market. For a moment my heart thinks “oh wouldn’t it be nice if we were with this agency and then could be matched with one of these baby’s really soon.” But I very quickly move back to being appalled at this practice and a system that would allow it. People…we need to stop thinking only about the adoptive family and getting them a child, but also consider what’s best for the child and expectant mother. I would rather wait for an ethical adoption situation versus getting a baby quick in this way.

my nemesis

I guess it’s time to introduce my nemesis….the Hague Treaty. (I would link to this document but it’s incredibly long and a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo). This little document has potential to cause major issues for Canadians planning to adopt children from the US. The Hague Treaty is an international set of laws and guidelines that are ultimately designed to protect children from child trafficking and other atrocities that have happened in the past with international adoption. The Americans signed the treaty some time ago but it was ratified in the US on April 1, 2008. The Hague is a vague set of guidelines and generally each country interprets them on their own. Well, the Americans have interpreted it in a few ways (that seem completely ridiculous) that will present challenges for future inter-country adoptions and out-going cases from the US. In March 2008 we found out about the ways the Hague was to be implemented in the US and after much thought, prayer, and phone calls to everyone and anyone who would talk to us about this, we decided to apply with our Provincial agency as well as an American agency before April 1, with hopes to be grandfathered into the system. There is a whole lot of confusion in the US with the Hague laws and no one really seems to know what is going on. We were assured that everything was good to go but then recently the Hague has come back to haunt us. We are now not so sure where we stand and if we’ll be able to be grandfathered into the system. We have some hope and are working with the lawyer of our American agency to figure out our next step.

But this causes some extra stress around our household. It’s the stress of anticipating and planning for a family when every day poses a real risk that this will not happen. I’d really like to kick some Hague Treaty butt!

in a perfect world

During some of my reading and researching what it means to be an adoptive parent I’ve come across quite a bit of anti-adoption information. Some of this comes from adoptee’s who share their experiences as an adopted child and often don’t have positive things to say. I would be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that there is a part of me that is concerned about adopted children and how they come to understand their world, build self-esteem, deal with loss/abandonment etc. I believe that certain practices such as an open adoption situation can help to alleviate potential risks to the adoptee, as well as adoptive parents who acknowledge and create space for the first family. This is my say to anti-adoption:

In a perfect world there would be no separation between mother & child
In a perfect world there would be no infertility
In a perfect world there would be no orphans
In a perfect world there would be no loss

Since we don’t live in a perfect world but rather one that is broken and fallen, I think there is a place for adoption. I agree with the call from adoptees and birthmothers for reform within the system. I agree that adoptees have the right to their original birth certificate. I agree that no expectant woman should be coerced into placing her child. I agree that open adoption contracts should be legally binding. I agree that agencies should not profit from the process. And I agree that all members of the adoption triad (adoptee, birthmother, adoptive parent) need to work together to ensure morale and ethical practices. And, yes, life would be easier, better, and all around nicer if we lived in a perfect world.

why the united states?

One of the questions we get asked when people find out that we are planning to adopt a child from the US is...why there? Our first choice would have been to adopt a child locally so we would be able to have a relationship with the child's first family. However, due to many different reasons the average wait for a domestic adoption in our province is at least 4-8 years. I wasn't willing to wait that long!

Most people around here adopt children from overseas international locations with Ethiopia being by far the most popular. Our agency here has a really well developed program with Ethiopia and generally the children arrive in Canada around ~9m at the earliest. Then we heard from friends of ours in a different province that they know people who adopted a child from the US. As we researched this option it seemed to fit and feel right for us. Adoptions from the US generally involve newborn babies and there are opportunities to have an open relationship (contact through letters, phone, and possibly visits, etc) with the first (birth) family. (I am aware of potential ethical concerns of newborn adoption and the possibility that expectant mothers are coerced into placing their children and pray that our US agency takes measures to avoid this). Both of these things are important to us which is why we chose to proceed with an American adoption. So this is still considered an international adoption (even though the US feels just like a neighbor!) which means we are also subject to all the immigration laws and paperwork (mountains of paperwork!).

The next most asked question comes after people find out that we are planning to adopt an African-American baby. Why? Because when we initially started thinking about adoption we were aware that a strong option was to adopt a child from Ethiopia and this would mean we would become a multi- or trans-racial family. We were also aware that most often the babies that are adopted from the US into Canada are African-American or bi-racial. D and I spent a lot of time talking, thinking, and praying about this and we are both excited about becoming a trans-racial family. This will present us with some unique challenges but we're up for it! There are some great resources available to us in the form of reading material and most importantly other trans-racial adoptive families. Who better to learn from then others who have walked the journey ahead of you!

Some of the questions we get asked when we start talking about adoption with friends and acquaintances are really interesting. I'm sometimes amazed at what people will say and I'm still learning how to put the answers together!

it's about semantics

I have become increasingly aware that the words we choose to talk about and describe the adoption process are quite important. This is also a hotly debated topic in the adoption world as I've come across a few blogs that are very passionate about the words they choose to use or not use.

Our American agency required us to create a profile which included a "dear birthmother" letter and pictures. This profile is shown to women who then choose a prospective adoptive family for their child. D and I were uncomfortable with labelling a woman as a birthmother before she has her child. Through some extra reading we became aware that the use of the term "birthmother" to describe a woman before she has given birth and relinquished rights is incorrect and disrespectful. Prior to signing relinquishment papers this woman is an "expectant woman" just like every other woman who is pregnant, and is then a mother immediately after that baby is born. The term birthmother can only describe the experience after paperwork has been signed. D and I took this to heart and when we wrote our letter started it with "dear expectant parents." We continue to use this word when speaking about the adoption process.

Something I've been thinking about recently is how I talk about this future child that will join our family. In the past I've referred to this child as "our child" but now I'm not so sure about that one. This child will not be ours until paperwork is signed and until then will only have one family. Once papers are signed the child will have two families and he/she will become ours as well. Some may think that this is such a minor thing and what's the big deal! But I think how we use our words is a really big deal. I certainly don't have it all figured out and know I've used words poorly in the past, but as I'm trying to approach this adoption with eyes wide open, it's important to me to think about these things. There are so many prevailing myths (many that are very hurtful) in society surrounding the adoption process and the words we use can help to perpetuate them. I don't want to be a part of that.