please don't say...#3

When you discover that someone is planning to adopt a child, please don’t say…"So you can’t have your own kids?"

I still get all flustered when asked this question. Firstly, I’m irritated with the question because it generally comes right after I’ve shared with someone, often an acquaintance type friend that D and I are in the process of adoption. This question quickly shifts the focus from our excitement over an adoption and family to genetics and fertility. I end up feeling that adoption is second best and a less valid way of forming a family. I feel like I have to defend our choice and how it is an exciting time in our lives. And secondly, what does it matter to an acquaintance anyway? When it comes to talking about reproduction it seems there are no boundaries. I don’t know what sort of answer people expect to get when asking this question. Do they want to hear about our experience at a fertility clinic? Do they want a run down of how long we’ve tried, what we’ve tried? Do they want to hear about the loss and grief? Maybe I should launch into a descriptive explanation of the hysterosalpingogram test...that might divert the question!

For the record, I really don’t have a problem sharing my story with someone who is genuine in asking.

I realize that some of my reaction to this question is my own issue and I need to learn how to deal with the emotions that come up for me. But I always react to the use of the word “own.” This child will be ours in that we will have been given legal responsibility to care for him/her. What the person means to ask is "can you have biological kids?" but instead biology is equated with ownership. I’m sorry but no one "owns" their children whether they were birthed or adopted. Parents have been given the responsibility to take care of a child but they are not possessions. Isn’t parenting a process of letting go anyway?

So please remember, the correct word to use is "biological" when speaking about your kids to someone who has adopted a child or is in the process. And determine if you really need to ask the fertility related questions (or look for the right time) or can you instead be excited for prospective adoptive parents and look forward with them, joining them in that journey.

must not call agency

I’m trying to summon my willpower today. It has been 8 weeks since our paperwork arrived at the US agency. Our file has been working its way through 5 board members for their approval process which is to take 6-8 weeks. We were told that board members 1 and 2 would take the longest because they would read through it with a fine tooth comb so to speak. However, our papers made it past these members quite quickly which signified to us that everything would be said and done well before the 8 week mark. It seems that we were a bit too optimistic. I called for an update early last week and was told that our file was still with board member 4 and had been with this person for 2 weeks. I was assured that he would sign off on it that day and then we just needed the signature of the agency executive director. I was told that they would call us when this occasion occurred. It’s now a week and a half later and still no word. I really want to call but I’m trying to hold off until next week. I’m suspicious of why it takes the agency so long to approve paperwork...feels fishy to me.

babies everywhere

You know how when you decide to buy a certain make and model of car you start seeing that particular car everywhere? Today I saw babies everywhere. I went grocery shopping this afternoon and since it's a holiday here I think everyone was out at the store. I think all the families with newborns decided to go grocery shopping at the same time I did! Everywhere I turned in the store I saw a car seat, stroller, or arms housing an infant. I came home and informed D that I was not going grocery shopping again until I was with a child!

So three days after my post on waiting, and how I'm trying to be really intentional about being okay in the waiting and learning from this time, and how D and I need to enjoy our time left as just the two of us, I crash in the grocery store from the proliferation of babies. I know this is a part of the process, this going back and forth from being okay in the wait to not. But it's a terribly frustrating part. I almost have to keep myself prepared to see pregnant women and families everywhere I go since this is how the world stays populated! It's just frustrating for me to feel strong in the wait and then fall so quickly back into my wants and desires. Intellectually I am strong in this process but my heart is often so weak and just wants to be a mother.

Sigh.

Edited on 12 Nov 08 to add that my reference to purchasing a car is in no way to compare adopting a baby to buying a car. Rather, I was referring to the idea of how when you want something you begin to see it everywhere. And no one called me out on this, I just thought I would make myself clear!

adoption and advent

A while back someone referred to our waiting period as a time of Advent (thanks C!). Initially I thought, yeah, that just sounds like a nice analogy, but I've had some time to think this through and have realized the perfect connection between our waiting and the waiting during Advent. Advent is a term meaning "coming" or "arrival"...it is about preparing, anticipating, and waiting during the Christmas season. This advent refection really resonated with me and in my mind so clearly links my waiting time with Advent...

"Within the preparation and anticipation, do we make time for the waiting? Waiting in quietness to hear God speak. Waiting in wonder to know Christ...Waiting in silence to experience the Holy Spirit enfolding us. Let us prepare, anticipate, and wait..."

Mm...more things for me to ponder. Am I too wrapped up in preparing for and anticipating a child...or have I made time for the waiting? What does this waiting time really mean for me? Is it a time to wish away and hurry through so I can finally become a parent? Or is it a time for me to learn and grow from? What does it mean to "wait in wonder?" The word "wonder" means amazed admiration or awe. Truthfully, I'm generally not full of too much awe and amazement when I consider my waiting time! I'm still not quite sure how to "wait in wonder" during an adoption but I feel that I need to be very intentional during this time.

So, this year Advent will start a bit early in my house! D and I have committed to engage in some simple practices to firmly root our preparing, anticipating, and waiting for a child in the Lord. Since the beginning of November, every Sunday dinner and evening is mini-date night in our house! We spend these evenings together first prayerfully talking and processing our waiting and the waiting during Advent and then we do something fun together just the two of us. I believe this is also a commitment to our marriage and will help to strengthen the foundation we have already built during the past 12 years (can't believe it's been that long!!). We need to make good use of the time we have left as a family of two and hopefully this will help to prepare our relationship for the chaos that awaits us!

I know the waiting will still be hard but I pray that I am able to use this time in healthy ways so as to keep myself sane(!) but most importantly, to learn and grow from this experience.

things i'm learning about myself

I admit it…I’m a fact-finder!

Well, truthfully, I only exhibit some fact-finding tendencies as outlined by the Kolbe test. The Kolbe test is about discovering how a person takes action in certain situations, what one will and won’t do. It’s not about your personality or intelligence, but how you "do". According to Kolbe, there are 4 modes of action: the fact-finder, quick-start, follow-thru, and implementer. I haven’t officially taken the test (although I would be interested) but I think I've got some strong quick-start and fact-finding qualities.

Back to the fact-finder action mode. D is a fact-finder, through and through, and I am learning that at times I lean this way as well. I wouldn’t have pegged myself as acting at all as a fact-finder considering that at work I really don’t feel that I exhibit many fact-finding characteristics. But I truly am a fact-finder in any situation that is important to me. (Not that work isn’t important…it’s just that…well, you know…its work!). I have learned this tidbit about myself while working through this adoption process. D and I are VERY aware of the process, what needs to be done and when, we’ve researched flights, hotels, immigration, etc. and have all the information ready to go at our finger tips. There is a strength in our ability to operate in this way, as we both have a high level of awareness and feel at peace when we know what is all involved in the process, however, this leaves little room for us to “go with the flow” or be spontaneous. We constantly need to remind ourselves that surprises will pop up during the adoption (especially during the custody and immigration piece) that we had not accounted for and we’ll need to be okay with that. This is a part of why the waiting is hard in adoption…because I like to know all the details of what’s going on, it’s hard when your future is in someone else’s hands. We lost our control in family planning a long time ago and I think that is what threw me into action. I could finally DO something, gather information, research and understand the process. Now that the doing is over, it’s back to “being.” It’s hard to just BE in the wait, especially when you don’t have much control over what the wait will look like.

I just thought of another area in life where I exhibit some fact-finding and quick-start characteristics….at Disney! Don’t get in my way and a good time at any theme park! I will take control and manage the theme park map and create a realistic plan and direction, needing to know everything that’s going on at the park that day. Many of you reading this have experienced this phenomenon first hand…and would likely just call it being bossy!

I wonder what the fact-finder action hero would look like?!

election fever

Unless you have been living under a rock during the past 6 months you are quite aware of the significance of today! It is election day in the US. D and I were living in the US during the Bush and Kerry election in 2004. We did our best as Canadians to ignore the copious ads (seriously, it's so much worse then here!) and our friends talking about Republicans versus Democrats. I must admit that I didn't really understand either party and didn't care to, especially since I was unable to partake in the vote. Over the last 4 years I have become much more interested in politics, both here in Canada as well as the US. I agree that this is a historical election of paramount importance in US history. We just went through an election in Canada not too long ago, but I am far more interested in the results of today. I wish I could vote...I would drive over the border to cast my ballot! Instead I will vote in my heart. I will vote Democrat and I hope Obama is declared victorious by the end of the night.

Take a look at this post which speaks to the historical significance of this election. The pictures almost make me tear up! There are many reasons why I would choose to vote Democratic but one of them is summed up in the quote at the bottom of the above linked post under this picture of two young African-American boys...

"These two boys waited as a long line of adults greeted Senator Obama before a rally on Martin Luther King Day in Columbia, S.C. They never took their eyes off of him. Their grandmother told me, “Our young men have waited a long time to have someone to look up to, to make them believe Dr. King’s words can be true for them.” Jan. 21, 2008."

Amen.

the dichotomy of adoption

Dichotomy. I love this word, which is strange for me because I'm really about using plain language!

I first learned this word when attending Seminary with my husband. A dichotomy is a separation of a concept into two parts that differ widely from each other or even contradict each other. I recognize the many dichotomies' that exist in my faith and have tried to create space for both parts that seem to contradict each other and live within the tension. For example, God gives us free will and choice, but yet He knows what lies ahead for us.

The day I came to the realization that dichotomy exists in adoption is the day everything sort of fell into place for me. Adoption is a blessing and adoption is about loss - these two parts seem to contradict each other and it creates a sort of tension. To ignore one or the other would be detrimental to all members of the adoption triad. My journey is about learning how to live in this tension acknowledging blessing and loss together.

When someone finds out that we are adopting, often the reaction is one of excitement for the child - this child will be one lucky baby - but yet this child will experience profound loss so I'm quick to acknowledge that truth with most people. It's tough to find a balance in doing this because I don't want people to think that I'm not excited about our future family, because I truly am, but I also need to provide some insight into the adoption process so as to educate others. The day I signed the adoption application form is the day that I became an educator! So when someone says "This child will have a better life with you, there are too many social programs now that keep babies with young moms, this will be a lucky baby, etc" we say, "Yeah, it's too bad that there are difficult circumstances in this world that many people have to deal with. This child may have some different opportunities but will also have some unique challenges related to adoption. Our job is learn how to be the best adoptive parents we can to help this child deal with these challenges in healthy ways." I don't know if our reply is too vague, not educational enough...any insight from members of the triad? It's tough to find the words to say when I know we won't sit down and have a longer conversation. I have to find phrases or words that can quickly convey the dichotomy of adoption to others - the blessing and the loss.

Some may not think this is really all that important or that I'm over-thinking things again, I completely disagree with that. This is extremely important and worth putting a lot of thought into! Many lives are effected by the adoption process and all too often the focus is on the blessings. In general, many of us struggle with having the conversations that bring up sorrow, loss, and hurt. In adoption, we must be open to having those conversations because only then can we find balance in the dichotomy and live joyfully within the tension.