I like to feel safe.
Safety in general...fire, car, personal, etc...is important but I am referring to feeling safe in social situations. I have difficulty investing in people or situations when I don't feel safe. When I don't quite trust the outcome of our conversations. It is difficult for me to let a lot of people into my life in a truly personal way. I am more of an introvert than I would like to believe and to have so many people know my heart and mind is tough. Especially when I don't quite trust how people will react to my thoughts and feelings.
There are so many people that know about our current situation. This is not just because we have intentionally let people into that part of our lives, but because of D's vocation many people know that we wouldn't have necessarily told until everything was a done deal. It is comforting to know that we have a lot of support...but I don't always feel safe with all these people and to have them all know what I am dealing with is hard for me.
D and I have developed quite the cocoon during the past week. Our home is so very safe for both of us. Here we can cry, mope, and be angry on our own and together. Here we don't have to explain anything to anyone. Here we can just BE.
Tomorrow we both need to leave the cocoon and enter the real world again so to speak. It is back to work on Monday morning. Time to enter unsafe territory and time to put on the mask once again. Time to suck it up buttercup when friends have babies and others get pregnant. The mask protects me but it doesn't make me feel safe.
I have experienced deep grief before and been the recipient of pat answers that were supposed to comfort but didn't. I know that people mean well and that it is difficult for many to know how to respond in grief situations. In these uncomfortable situations it is easier for me to take on the role of comforter to let them off the hook. To let them know that I will be okay.
But I don't know that.
I'm tired of saying, "life goes on" "we'll just move on" "things will be okay" "time heals"...blah blah blah, when inside I'm screaming and crying "WHY?" "what the...." "I just don't get it".
So tomorrow I leave the safety of our cocoon, don the mask, and try my darnedest to do what is expected of me in this life.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
some people...
This is a conversation I had with my hair stylist just after we got "the call".
Me: Guess what?! We finally got THE CALL last week! I might be a mom very soon!
K: Oh how exciting! That's it. I'm definitely going to adopt now. (Said with a blase kind of attitude implying that she can just sign something and it would all be done).
Me: Well, it's not quite that easy. This has been one of the most difficult things I have ever experienced.
K: It can't be more difficult than being knocked up for 9 months.
Me: ...dumbfounded...
Me: Guess what?! We finally got THE CALL last week! I might be a mom very soon!
K: Oh how exciting! That's it. I'm definitely going to adopt now. (Said with a blase kind of attitude implying that she can just sign something and it would all be done).
Me: Well, it's not quite that easy. This has been one of the most difficult things I have ever experienced.
K: It can't be more difficult than being knocked up for 9 months.
Me: ...dumbfounded...
Thursday, July 9, 2009
the meeting
We arrived at our destination city on Sunday, June 28th, around noon. This gave us plenty of time to get settled before meeting A and her mom for dinner that night. Our agency worker was also joining us for dinner.
We so carefully picked our outfits. Tried to look casual but not too casual, also making sure that we looked good together. We were both nervous and excited.
From the moment we met A she stole our hearts. We entered the restaurant and she gave us both very welcoming hugs. What an odd little group we made but it all felt so right. A immediately starting talking about the baby. She gave us two sets of ultrasound pictures and the three of us carefully looked through each shot marvelling at this tiny being who would bond us all together so uniquely. A and her mom gave us a gift for the baby which was so sweet. And inside the cutest card were pictures of A as a child. How unbelievably thoughtful. We would get to see just how much this baby resembled his first mom as a child and also have those pictures for him to keep. I was just amazed at how everything was turning out so great! So many things were happening that we had only hoped and dreamed for and now they were turning into our reality.
The conversation flowed easily across the dinner table and we made plans to meet up again the next day at A's last doctor's appointment before the c-section. Before we said good-bye that night we had a small photo shoot outside the restaurant, which of course included belly shots! Again, an experience that we really doubted we would ever get, but yet here we were, standing beside this amazing women who would maybe make us parents in two days.
Early afternoon the next day we met A and her mom again at her doctor's appointment. We got there just a bit late because of all the construction in the city. I panicked a bit thinking we had come this far and we were going to miss this appointment. A was already in the clinic room but we were able to sneak in. We listened to the doctor talk about the plan for the delivery. A talked about us being in the OR for the c-section and she also wanted D to cut the cord. A was only able to bring one person in the OR with her and of course chose her mom (and we wouldn't have had it any other way). But we would get to stand right outside the doors and see them bring baby into the nursery and that is where D would get to cut off what was left of the cord. We asked the doctor to explain a few of the ultrasound pictures, he tried, we still couldn't see what he saw! Then we heard it...the baby's heartbeat! That was such an amazing experience for both of us.
We hugged at least a million times before we left the clinic. We would meet them at the hospital early the next morning before the c-section, on the day that would change our lives forever. Little did we know exactly how that would happen...
We so carefully picked our outfits. Tried to look casual but not too casual, also making sure that we looked good together. We were both nervous and excited.
From the moment we met A she stole our hearts. We entered the restaurant and she gave us both very welcoming hugs. What an odd little group we made but it all felt so right. A immediately starting talking about the baby. She gave us two sets of ultrasound pictures and the three of us carefully looked through each shot marvelling at this tiny being who would bond us all together so uniquely. A and her mom gave us a gift for the baby which was so sweet. And inside the cutest card were pictures of A as a child. How unbelievably thoughtful. We would get to see just how much this baby resembled his first mom as a child and also have those pictures for him to keep. I was just amazed at how everything was turning out so great! So many things were happening that we had only hoped and dreamed for and now they were turning into our reality.
The conversation flowed easily across the dinner table and we made plans to meet up again the next day at A's last doctor's appointment before the c-section. Before we said good-bye that night we had a small photo shoot outside the restaurant, which of course included belly shots! Again, an experience that we really doubted we would ever get, but yet here we were, standing beside this amazing women who would maybe make us parents in two days.
Early afternoon the next day we met A and her mom again at her doctor's appointment. We got there just a bit late because of all the construction in the city. I panicked a bit thinking we had come this far and we were going to miss this appointment. A was already in the clinic room but we were able to sneak in. We listened to the doctor talk about the plan for the delivery. A talked about us being in the OR for the c-section and she also wanted D to cut the cord. A was only able to bring one person in the OR with her and of course chose her mom (and we wouldn't have had it any other way). But we would get to stand right outside the doors and see them bring baby into the nursery and that is where D would get to cut off what was left of the cord. We asked the doctor to explain a few of the ultrasound pictures, he tried, we still couldn't see what he saw! Then we heard it...the baby's heartbeat! That was such an amazing experience for both of us.
We hugged at least a million times before we left the clinic. We would meet them at the hospital early the next morning before the c-section, on the day that would change our lives forever. Little did we know exactly how that would happen...
Monday, July 6, 2009
everything happens for a reason...or does it?
In the last few days we have been the recipients of the above phrase. I am reminded of a very well articulated post written by a friend on this very topic. I asked for permission to share her post (her blog is password protected) as her thoughts echo my thoughts.
Yes, indeed.
Shit happens.
Everything happens for a reason.
Really?
AIDS infected Africa, the killing fields of Cambodia, ethnic cleansing in Rwanda and Darfur, cancer, chronic illness, miscarriage, depression, car crashes, schizophrenia, sexual/physical/emotional abuse, the list is endless. It seems utterly ridiculous to me to suggest that behind each of these there would be a reason for their happening, especially a reason that justfies the gravity of the tragedy experienced. It begs the question of whether or not there is always cosmic purpose driving seemingly senseless circumstances.
The God I serve made a good creation. Evil enters the scene apart from God, with disobedience on the part of Adam and Eve who responded to the tempting of the serpent. Within the pages of Scripture it does not suggest that God prompted the serpent to test his creatures so that they could be strengthened in their resolve to God. He did not, according to Scripture, have a part in the act of defiance - apart from previously setting the Tree as off limits. Yes, he did make that tree in the garden, the one that Adam and Eve were to avoid - in essence, he created the opportunity for evil to pervade his creation. Why did he do it? Could he just not have bothered with the fated Tree altogether? It would be lovely, but God gave Adam and Eve free will and in order to give them the opportunity to express their free will it was necessary for them to face a moral dilemma in which they had to choose. In the choosing against God, Adam and Eve disrupted the created order...the good order...and invited into the human experience an array of ills. I firmly believe that the chaos we experience today is not related directly to God's purposing, but instead to this defiant act of our ancestors.
When everything happens for a reason is spouted, it implies then that God is behind everything. If that were true it would seem likely that he would have chosen to intervene in the whole Tree fiasco in the first place. It implies that the free will God gave us isn't very free. It would suggest that we are more like pawns than people with the power to choose. It implies that the horrific ills that plague us are ordained at the prompting of God. I am confident that God is present in everything, that even in the darkest of times and in the midst of the most vile acts that the Lord is present. But his presence doesn't imply his purpose.
Forgive me for getting riled up at the mention of these five simple words, but this seemingly innocent statement carries deep theological implications and I will not for a moment join in and agree with any ounce of my being that the good God I serve is the driving force behind suffering.
The death of a young mother, hungry and orphaned children combing dirty streets, broken families, empty arms and aching hearts - I don't think they're purposed. Redeemed? Definitely. Opportunities to experience the Lord's nearness in a way that might not have happened otherwise? For sure. God is in the business of redeeming and restoring. In clothing Adam and Eve as he sent them out of Eden he shows that he is still caring for them. There is a rupture in relationship, but he is present in their circumstance and is working within it. I think he works within the ruptures that sin has brought into the created order today, too.
So before everything happens for a reason slips out of your lips, I offer you an alternative. It's shorter, simpler, and far more catchy. And I think that it's a much more theologically sound alternative that leaves the character of God intact.
Ready?
Shit happens.
Yes, indeed.
Shit happens.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
the call
On Wednesday, June 17th, just after work, our American adoption agency worker called to let us know that expectant mom A wanted to talk with us on the phone. We did a phone interview with another expectant mom a month earlier so we sorta knew the drill. But this time our agency worker told us that A had really liked our profile and was excited to speak with us. We arranged our phone call for 8:00 that night...and of course we got all nervous!
The last phone call we did both the expectant mom and dad spoke with us. She was very shy and soft spoken and hardly said anything so we filled the space by letting them know more about us. The phone conversation with A was quite different. A got on the phone and the first thing she said in a bubbly, outgoing voice was "you guys are SO cute! I love your cute house and cute cat!" We laughed together and talked about our lives and futures. Our phone call lasted just under an hour and we left it that A would call back if she had any more questions for us. Our agency worker (who was on the phone the whole time as well) said she would call us in a couple of minutes. D and I sat on the couch and not even 5 minutes later our worker called back and said that A wanted to speak with us again. D and I looked at each other slightly confused with a teensy bit of excitement. A got on the phone and asked us if we would like to be parents to a baby boy! We said yes! and then started crying...A started to cry...and then our worker started crying. It was awesome! A told us that she wanted us as involved in her last couple of weeks of pregnancy as we could be and that she wanted us present for the birth (which was to be via c-section). The three of us even talked about names and picked one together that night. We also talked about the open adoption arrangement that we all wanted. D and I were so excited that she felt the same as us about this. Finally we had to say good-bye and then D and I flipped out! We jumped up and down, cried some more, and then made some phone calls. That night was the first time I can say with all certainty that I didn't sleep at all!
For the rest of the week and weekend D and I felt like we were dreaming. We'd ask each other, "did that really happen?" We tried to concentrate on work and other things that needed to get done with great difficulty. We quickly made lists and shopped for our upcoming trip that would make us a family of 3.
On Tuesday, June 23rd, A called again to let us know how her doctor appointment had been the day before. It was so good to hear her voice again as it made everything feel a bit more real. We only got to chat for about 10 minutes. A told us that her mom was arriving later that week to be present for the birth and she also wanted to meet us. A also said that she read through our profile every day - she loved the fact that D only ate Heinz ketchup, that we had a couple of pictures of our baby room, and that we mentioned that we would honor and celebrate her child's African American heritage. We let her know that we were planning to arrive on Sunday and our agency worker said then we could all meet for dinner that night. How exciting that we would get to meet A while she was still pregnant!
Everything was turning out so perfect...
The last phone call we did both the expectant mom and dad spoke with us. She was very shy and soft spoken and hardly said anything so we filled the space by letting them know more about us. The phone conversation with A was quite different. A got on the phone and the first thing she said in a bubbly, outgoing voice was "you guys are SO cute! I love your cute house and cute cat!" We laughed together and talked about our lives and futures. Our phone call lasted just under an hour and we left it that A would call back if she had any more questions for us. Our agency worker (who was on the phone the whole time as well) said she would call us in a couple of minutes. D and I sat on the couch and not even 5 minutes later our worker called back and said that A wanted to speak with us again. D and I looked at each other slightly confused with a teensy bit of excitement. A got on the phone and asked us if we would like to be parents to a baby boy! We said yes! and then started crying...A started to cry...and then our worker started crying. It was awesome! A told us that she wanted us as involved in her last couple of weeks of pregnancy as we could be and that she wanted us present for the birth (which was to be via c-section). The three of us even talked about names and picked one together that night. We also talked about the open adoption arrangement that we all wanted. D and I were so excited that she felt the same as us about this. Finally we had to say good-bye and then D and I flipped out! We jumped up and down, cried some more, and then made some phone calls. That night was the first time I can say with all certainty that I didn't sleep at all!
For the rest of the week and weekend D and I felt like we were dreaming. We'd ask each other, "did that really happen?" We tried to concentrate on work and other things that needed to get done with great difficulty. We quickly made lists and shopped for our upcoming trip that would make us a family of 3.
On Tuesday, June 23rd, A called again to let us know how her doctor appointment had been the day before. It was so good to hear her voice again as it made everything feel a bit more real. We only got to chat for about 10 minutes. A told us that her mom was arriving later that week to be present for the birth and she also wanted to meet us. A also said that she read through our profile every day - she loved the fact that D only ate Heinz ketchup, that we had a couple of pictures of our baby room, and that we mentioned that we would honor and celebrate her child's African American heritage. We let her know that we were planning to arrive on Sunday and our agency worker said then we could all meet for dinner that night. How exciting that we would get to meet A while she was still pregnant!
Everything was turning out so perfect...
Friday, July 3, 2009
life as usual?
We are back home...with empty arms. Taking an empty car seat on our journey south was fun. People at the airport and car rental place all asked in a confused voice, "where's baby?!" and we had fun telling them about the adoption. Never did we imagine that we would be carrying an empty car seat on the journey home.
The two days we spent with the expectant mom, A, and her mom were priceless and amazing (I will be documenting that). We hit it off immediately. More than once D and I commented to each other that we felt like we were living a dream and none of it felt real. While shopping for some things for the baby on Monday, every so often we would pause and look at each other asking if this was really happening. Then we would get all excited and flustered and try to concentrate on the task at hand.
Maybe it all really was a dream because now that we're home life carries on again as usual. On the inside our hearts have been ripped open, but nothing on the outside has changed. The baby room still sits empty, our house is still quiet, we still have freedom to come and go as we please, we will both go back to work, etc. etc. But life cannot carry on as usual. We have experienced incredible loss in the last 3 days. Loss of a dream, loss of what would have been a beautiful adoption as both parties were on the same page with so many things, loss of relationship, loss of health for baby...and there is so much uncertainty in the future for baby, for A, and for us. And yet again we have experienced loss of innocence. Will we be as excited the next time the call comes in? Will we let ourselves dream? If given the opportunity to go early again, will we? Will we now have more doubt in our hearts than hope?
Now we're left to pick up the pieces and figure out a way to carry on and move forward. We have some decisions to make regarding our future. Pray for clear direction and wisdom.
The two days we spent with the expectant mom, A, and her mom were priceless and amazing (I will be documenting that). We hit it off immediately. More than once D and I commented to each other that we felt like we were living a dream and none of it felt real. While shopping for some things for the baby on Monday, every so often we would pause and look at each other asking if this was really happening. Then we would get all excited and flustered and try to concentrate on the task at hand.
Maybe it all really was a dream because now that we're home life carries on again as usual. On the inside our hearts have been ripped open, but nothing on the outside has changed. The baby room still sits empty, our house is still quiet, we still have freedom to come and go as we please, we will both go back to work, etc. etc. But life cannot carry on as usual. We have experienced incredible loss in the last 3 days. Loss of a dream, loss of what would have been a beautiful adoption as both parties were on the same page with so many things, loss of relationship, loss of health for baby...and there is so much uncertainty in the future for baby, for A, and for us. And yet again we have experienced loss of innocence. Will we be as excited the next time the call comes in? Will we let ourselves dream? If given the opportunity to go early again, will we? Will we now have more doubt in our hearts than hope?
Now we're left to pick up the pieces and figure out a way to carry on and move forward. We have some decisions to make regarding our future. Pray for clear direction and wisdom.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
a different kind of update
I am continually amazed at the curve balls life can throw. This is a very different kind of post than I was expecting to write this week.
On June 30th a baby boy was born, but he has a congenital condition that was not caught earlier. This is something that can be survived, but the outlook isn't great as this little boy is very, very sick. He is in the intensive care unit at one of the best children's hospitals in the northwestern states so has unbelievable care, but whether he survives and what complications may or may not occur are yet to be seen. Should he make it, he's looking at at least a couple months in the hospital. This little guy is constantly in our prayers.
The unforeseen health and future of this child means our adoption of him won't be able to move forward. We are greatly saddened by this, we are scared for this little baby, and we feel so badly for the birth mom. In the few days we've known each other we have grown amazingly close and looked forward to being a part of each other's lives.
We are completely numb and have no idea how we will recover from this and move on.
Please pray.
On June 30th a baby boy was born, but he has a congenital condition that was not caught earlier. This is something that can be survived, but the outlook isn't great as this little boy is very, very sick. He is in the intensive care unit at one of the best children's hospitals in the northwestern states so has unbelievable care, but whether he survives and what complications may or may not occur are yet to be seen. Should he make it, he's looking at at least a couple months in the hospital. This little guy is constantly in our prayers.
The unforeseen health and future of this child means our adoption of him won't be able to move forward. We are greatly saddened by this, we are scared for this little baby, and we feel so badly for the birth mom. In the few days we've known each other we have grown amazingly close and looked forward to being a part of each other's lives.
We are completely numb and have no idea how we will recover from this and move on.
Please pray.
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