Admittedly there are times that baby T's hair and skin care stress me out just a teensy bit! And he's a boy...can't imagine the time and energy that goes into caring for the hair of a girl.
T had his first haircut at 4 months. It was so frizzy, fuzzy, and long on top as well as at the back underneath the stellar bald spot he was sporting. My hairdresser, who was very comfortable cutting T's hair, just trimmed it up and shaved a bit at the back. When I saw him after the cut I almost had tears in my eyes...gone was my baby and here was this big boy smiling at me. (And for all of you that know us personally...yes, I am very aware that my baby has been a big boy for quite some time now!).
His hair is getting longer and a bit fuzzy on the top again and I wasn't sure what to do. Do I get it cut again? Am I using the special hair products correctly? Is there something else I should be doing?
I have no problems asking for advice when it comes to this sort of thing. So this week I ventured out to a new hair salon owned by a black couple. A friend of mine is running their communications and marketing campaign so I had heard of this new boutique already and then a few fellow white moms with brown children had spoken with the owner and had great things to say. I felt this would be a good place to start asking some of my questions specific to T's hair and skin.
I walked into the salon and was greeted by three lovely ladies who immediately fell all over T proclaiming his cuteness! The owner was one of these women and she greeted us with such warmth and openness. I'm always just a tad bit nervous when approaching people of color because I'm not entirely sure what they will think about my family. I love the way my family looks but not everyone else will. The salon owner didn't even hesitate once during our conversation about T and as we chatted I became more and more comfortable with her.
We talked about T's hair and skin for probably 20 minutes. I told her about the "it's a curl" products we are using (shampoo, wash-out conditioner, and leave-in conditioner). I asked her about daily hair care. We chatted a bit about other products available. And finally I asked some questions about skin care.
Turns out we are doing a fairly good job at keeping our munchkin looking good! I did learn something really important tough. She sprayed some leave-in conditioner on T's hair and combed it. As I watched her I realized that she had just inadvertently taught me something...how to comb his hair! Such a seemingly simple task and for most white moms of white children this is a no brainer. The next day I used my leave-in conditioner and combed it the same way she did and success! His hair looks so much better for longer during the day now.
The other thing we've done to improve the look of his hair is start using satin. A friend sewed a lovely blue satin band that fits around T's crib mattress. So baby T sleeps on satin and it really does work to keep his hair looking nice after naps.
I will go back to this salon in the future. It's really important to me that T's hair is cut by someone who knows what they are doing and that this person has brown skin. In the end I didn't purchase anything from the salon but I gained some valuable advice. The owner gave me her card with her email address on it and said to email or call anytime with questions. How sweet and I will definitely take her up on that offer. I've also been thinking about ways she may be able to connect with other transracial families that live here. I'd love to attend a class about hair and skin care for brown babies. I might have to put the bug in her ear!
So the hair is looking pretty good around here.
Now if I could only figure out how to stop people from messing with his hair...
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
forever family party
We celebrated our adoption finalization day last weekend. Baby T got a cake. Too fun!
Monday, March 22, 2010
oa interview project
What an interesting thing this internet is. I love how people from all over the world can become so connected via a screen, keyboard, and mouse (okay there are just a few wires involved also, but you get my drift!). Heather at Production, Not Reproduction is a connecting point for many of us involved in open adoptions. She recently randomly assigned Interview Project participants with a partner blog to interview and be interviewed by.
I was assigned to Debbie at Always and Forever Family. Debbie's blog was new to me and it was a pleasure getting to know her and her family during the past couple of weeks. Debbie is an adoptive mom to adorable Isabel who turns 2 years old in April. At Always and Forever Family, Debbie candidly chronicles their open adoption journey. She also blogs at Belle's Curls a site dedicated to the ins and outs of biracial hair care. As a side note, Isabel's hair is gorgeous!
You can check out her interview of me and other participants as well.
1. How have you managed to work at acknowledging the loss side of adoption while also living in the joy?
This is a tough one. When it comes to our relationship with Isabel's birth family I have to put the loss aside to have joy. I spent too much time honoring the grief that I knew was there and was not able to enjoy being a mother. It makes me feel selfish to answer it this way but it's honest. Loss for Isabel, I guess I hope she will feel a little less loss because we have birth family in her life. Although it's only her birth mom's side but she'll be there to answer questions about her birthdad. My loss is just insignificant. But to keep the joy for me or rather find the balance between the two; I blog and I talk to friends who have adopted. I also attend mom's groups with other adoptive moms and other adoption related events.
2. What is one thing that has surprised you the most about the adoption journey?
How easy it was to love. Not just a child I didn't give birth to. But to love the woman who gave birth to her and her family as well. How completely strangers became family because of a little baby.
3. What has been the hardest to work through after bringing Isabel home?
It took me 18 months including mild depression to truly feel like a mom. It wasn't as easy journey. Everything I did included her birthmom if only in my mind. It wasn't until after a friend pointed it out to me that I realized this and just how serious it was. To get through it I had my husband reminding me why she picked us to be Isabel's parents. I did a lot of looking at myself and what I was doing. I slacked off on sending so many little updates so I could just enjoy my daughter. Now I can include her in all the fun and the not so fun stuff knowing that I am her mom.
4. How have you as a family worked to celebrate being transracial?
We're still working on it, I think we always will be. Some things we try to do is have books, toys, ets not just that match our daughter but all races. We also have a playgroup with other adoptive moms where she sees families like us. Her daycare and our church and neighborhood are very diverse. We'll always do our best to keep things like that when/if we move.
We haven't figured out how to incorporate holidays and such in a balanced way. When we don't celebrate our own heritage (German, Swedish, Irish, etc) we wonder how to celebrate hers without pointing it our and making it obvious.
5. What is it like to live in the States as a transracial family?
In our particular area it's fantastic about 90% of the time. There are occasions where we feel eyes following us, trying to figure us out. But aside from the 'We'd you get her?' comments we don't get many around home. Although I was once asked 'What's she mixed with?' She is; AA, Hispanic & Caucasion.
I've found that when it is just myself and my daughter the white community is less accepting thinking I'm married to a black man. But when it is the 3 of us we get lots of smiles and comments on how pretty she is.
If we travel outside our metro area it gets a little harder. If we go to places away from home it's very white. I wish I could forget eating at Subway and having a lady look at us in disgust and say 'that just ain't right.' I was grateful that I didn't hear it but my husband told me later. But those are few as well. For the most part we've been very accepted.
I was assigned to Debbie at Always and Forever Family. Debbie's blog was new to me and it was a pleasure getting to know her and her family during the past couple of weeks. Debbie is an adoptive mom to adorable Isabel who turns 2 years old in April. At Always and Forever Family, Debbie candidly chronicles their open adoption journey. She also blogs at Belle's Curls a site dedicated to the ins and outs of biracial hair care. As a side note, Isabel's hair is gorgeous!
You can check out her interview of me and other participants as well.
1. How have you managed to work at acknowledging the loss side of adoption while also living in the joy?
This is a tough one. When it comes to our relationship with Isabel's birth family I have to put the loss aside to have joy. I spent too much time honoring the grief that I knew was there and was not able to enjoy being a mother. It makes me feel selfish to answer it this way but it's honest. Loss for Isabel, I guess I hope she will feel a little less loss because we have birth family in her life. Although it's only her birth mom's side but she'll be there to answer questions about her birthdad. My loss is just insignificant. But to keep the joy for me or rather find the balance between the two; I blog and I talk to friends who have adopted. I also attend mom's groups with other adoptive moms and other adoption related events.
2. What is one thing that has surprised you the most about the adoption journey?
How easy it was to love. Not just a child I didn't give birth to. But to love the woman who gave birth to her and her family as well. How completely strangers became family because of a little baby.
3. What has been the hardest to work through after bringing Isabel home?
It took me 18 months including mild depression to truly feel like a mom. It wasn't as easy journey. Everything I did included her birthmom if only in my mind. It wasn't until after a friend pointed it out to me that I realized this and just how serious it was. To get through it I had my husband reminding me why she picked us to be Isabel's parents. I did a lot of looking at myself and what I was doing. I slacked off on sending so many little updates so I could just enjoy my daughter. Now I can include her in all the fun and the not so fun stuff knowing that I am her mom.
4. How have you as a family worked to celebrate being transracial?
We're still working on it, I think we always will be. Some things we try to do is have books, toys, ets not just that match our daughter but all races. We also have a playgroup with other adoptive moms where she sees families like us. Her daycare and our church and neighborhood are very diverse. We'll always do our best to keep things like that when/if we move.
We haven't figured out how to incorporate holidays and such in a balanced way. When we don't celebrate our own heritage (German, Swedish, Irish, etc) we wonder how to celebrate hers without pointing it our and making it obvious.
5. What is it like to live in the States as a transracial family?
In our particular area it's fantastic about 90% of the time. There are occasions where we feel eyes following us, trying to figure us out. But aside from the 'We'd you get her?' comments we don't get many around home. Although I was once asked 'What's she mixed with?' She is; AA, Hispanic & Caucasion.
I've found that when it is just myself and my daughter the white community is less accepting thinking I'm married to a black man. But when it is the 3 of us we get lots of smiles and comments on how pretty she is.
If we travel outside our metro area it gets a little harder. If we go to places away from home it's very white. I wish I could forget eating at Subway and having a lady look at us in disgust and say 'that just ain't right.' I was grateful that I didn't hear it but my husband told me later. But those are few as well. For the most part we've been very accepted.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
a forever family
It is official. In the eyes of the law we are now a forever family.
After all the drama that has occurred surrounding our finalization hearing I am just so relieved that it is done. Last week on March 10th, our American lawyer entered a court room to show our information to the judge. He presented 3 post-placement reports completed by our social worker, 3 medical reports, along with pictures of T. All of that, plus the additional paperwork this particular judge required, and eight days later our adoption of baby T is final. Complete. Done.
Anti-climactic.
We have never thought of or treated T as anything other than our son since the day we took custody. He's been using our last name for six months even though it wasn't "officially" his yet.
Regardless of how this feels, today is an important milestone. Perhaps more important than the day he learns how to walk or talk. Today marks the day that according to everyone, we are officially a family of three. Today we celebrate the final step in the adoption process.
This also means we start the process of waiting once again. We will wait for a copy of the adoption decree and his new birth certificate which will allow us to finish the permanent residency process and finally get T on our provincial medical card. And then Canadian citizenship. Even though we've entered another waiting game it is different than the first. T is ours. We are a family. We will wait for the papers to arrive on our door step, but in the meantime we get to watch our sweet pea grow and develop...such a good distraction! We are so blessed to be the parents of this very special little boy. Every day I look at him and wonder if I can fall more in love with him...and every day I do.
On Sunday we will celebrate our journey with family and a few close friends who have been touched by adoption. This will be a good thing. Celebrating with others. Might help to make it feel more real and more of the big deal that it is.
Yep, it has really happened.
We are a forever family.
After all the drama that has occurred surrounding our finalization hearing I am just so relieved that it is done. Last week on March 10th, our American lawyer entered a court room to show our information to the judge. He presented 3 post-placement reports completed by our social worker, 3 medical reports, along with pictures of T. All of that, plus the additional paperwork this particular judge required, and eight days later our adoption of baby T is final. Complete. Done.
Anti-climactic.
We have never thought of or treated T as anything other than our son since the day we took custody. He's been using our last name for six months even though it wasn't "officially" his yet.
Regardless of how this feels, today is an important milestone. Perhaps more important than the day he learns how to walk or talk. Today marks the day that according to everyone, we are officially a family of three. Today we celebrate the final step in the adoption process.
This also means we start the process of waiting once again. We will wait for a copy of the adoption decree and his new birth certificate which will allow us to finish the permanent residency process and finally get T on our provincial medical card. And then Canadian citizenship. Even though we've entered another waiting game it is different than the first. T is ours. We are a family. We will wait for the papers to arrive on our door step, but in the meantime we get to watch our sweet pea grow and develop...such a good distraction! We are so blessed to be the parents of this very special little boy. Every day I look at him and wonder if I can fall more in love with him...and every day I do.
On Sunday we will celebrate our journey with family and a few close friends who have been touched by adoption. This will be a good thing. Celebrating with others. Might help to make it feel more real and more of the big deal that it is.
Yep, it has really happened.
We are a forever family.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
adoption finalization drama
I was preparing a post today about our court date this morning and how after 9:45 am we would officially be a forever family according to the legal system.
Then I received a call from our American lawyer's office.
It seems as though there were some hiccups. First of all, we now have a different judge. For some reason the judge's go back and forth between residing over civil and criminal cases. Our original judge was assigned to oversee criminal cases which means a new judge took his civil files. This new judge was not pleased that we weren't present for the hearing. We went to court with T six months ago when the petition was initially filed and the judge agreed that since he had met us he was okay with our lawyer standing in as our proxy for the finalization hearing. This is often done in this State. It appears as if our new judge wasn't happy about this ruling and then proceeded to poke his nose in our paperwork.
The end result is that this judge wants more information to prove that our adoption of T was pre-Hague and also needs our total Canadian adoption fee breakdown. So now we scramble to get that information and locate a notary public. And then pay through the nose to send the documents to the US so they get there yesterday.
Nothing with regards to T obtaining permanent residency, Canadian citizenship, and most importantly getting him on our provincial health card can happen until the judge signs the adoption decree. I really thought that after today this part of our adoption journey would be over. That we could move on. I should have known better.
The finalization process is sort of anti-climactic to begin with since we've had custody of T this whole time. But I thank the legal system for dragging this last step in the mud and making it even more anti-climactic. Now our lawyer just drops off the documents and we won't know the day or time that the judge signs the decree ahead of time. I don't know why, but nothing related to our adoption process has been easy and at every turn there is new drama to share.
We planned a party with our families to celebrate our "forever family." Thank goodness it didn't work to plan it this weekend. I really hope that everything will be completed before the party date, seems silly to celebrate something that hasn't happened. But with our luck, the postal service will go on strike.
Then I received a call from our American lawyer's office.
It seems as though there were some hiccups. First of all, we now have a different judge. For some reason the judge's go back and forth between residing over civil and criminal cases. Our original judge was assigned to oversee criminal cases which means a new judge took his civil files. This new judge was not pleased that we weren't present for the hearing. We went to court with T six months ago when the petition was initially filed and the judge agreed that since he had met us he was okay with our lawyer standing in as our proxy for the finalization hearing. This is often done in this State. It appears as if our new judge wasn't happy about this ruling and then proceeded to poke his nose in our paperwork.
The end result is that this judge wants more information to prove that our adoption of T was pre-Hague and also needs our total Canadian adoption fee breakdown. So now we scramble to get that information and locate a notary public. And then pay through the nose to send the documents to the US so they get there yesterday.
Nothing with regards to T obtaining permanent residency, Canadian citizenship, and most importantly getting him on our provincial health card can happen until the judge signs the adoption decree. I really thought that after today this part of our adoption journey would be over. That we could move on. I should have known better.
The finalization process is sort of anti-climactic to begin with since we've had custody of T this whole time. But I thank the legal system for dragging this last step in the mud and making it even more anti-climactic. Now our lawyer just drops off the documents and we won't know the day or time that the judge signs the decree ahead of time. I don't know why, but nothing related to our adoption process has been easy and at every turn there is new drama to share.
We planned a party with our families to celebrate our "forever family." Thank goodness it didn't work to plan it this weekend. I really hope that everything will be completed before the party date, seems silly to celebrate something that hasn't happened. But with our luck, the postal service will go on strike.
Monday, March 8, 2010
6 months ago
Six months ago today we met you for the very first time. Never did we realize how completely captivated we would become with you. Nor the way you have captured our hearts like nothing else.
Happy six months sweet pea...we love you!
Happy six months sweet pea...we love you!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
oa roundtable - success in open adoption
The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. Click here to link to what other bloggers are writing about this topic.
If there's one thing we all might agree on, it's that we'd like our open adoptions to be successful. But what does "success" mean to you, when speaking about open adoption? Do you think it may mean something else to the others in your triad?
I've been sitting in front of the computer for the past 30 minutes trying to think of how to best articulate what success in an open adoption means to me. No discourse today. Just this...
Success means living in the joy and sorrow that exists in adoption. It is being able to fully acknowledge both the good and the bad. And then most importantly, to aptly function within this dichotomy.
Success means emotional health and stability for each triad member. This may look different, and be achieved differently for each member, but I hope for the same for each person. This would be my big picture success story. There are so many small picture successes that are running through my mind (I think this is what is stumping me from writing today) I can't even begin to list them here. So instead I go big. My hope is that in the end, no matter what, baby T, J, and us have sought and/or received amble support, and are emotionally healthy.
I guess ultimately my two success stories involve being able to live and function in the here and now as well as in the future.
If there's one thing we all might agree on, it's that we'd like our open adoptions to be successful. But what does "success" mean to you, when speaking about open adoption? Do you think it may mean something else to the others in your triad?
I've been sitting in front of the computer for the past 30 minutes trying to think of how to best articulate what success in an open adoption means to me. No discourse today. Just this...
Success means living in the joy and sorrow that exists in adoption. It is being able to fully acknowledge both the good and the bad. And then most importantly, to aptly function within this dichotomy.
Success means emotional health and stability for each triad member. This may look different, and be achieved differently for each member, but I hope for the same for each person. This would be my big picture success story. There are so many small picture successes that are running through my mind (I think this is what is stumping me from writing today) I can't even begin to list them here. So instead I go big. My hope is that in the end, no matter what, baby T, J, and us have sought and/or received amble support, and are emotionally healthy.
I guess ultimately my two success stories involve being able to live and function in the here and now as well as in the future.
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