i always wanted to...

What do I say when someone with biological kids says to me..."I always wanted to adopt."

My brain still measures slight shock at this statement and my mouth never seems to form the right words to respond. I just haven't the foggiest idea of what to say.

The way this statement is said it implies..."I always wanted to cut my hair short." "I always wanted to get one of those bags." "I always wanted to go there on vacation." Although the implication is present, I assume the user of such language when referring to adoption doesn't mean to suggest that our child is an accessory, which is why I am having such a hard time figuring out how to respond.

When D and I thought about planning a family we did not think about adoption first. Let's just be honest about this. Adoption is not second rate but it was a choice made after trying to have children using what mother nature gave us. In the end, adoption worked for our family and we are so blessed to have T in our lives. 

Adoption was a selfish choice for us. We wanted a family badly enough that we would ask another woman to place her baby in our arms. We are not saints, we did not "save" him...we just wanted a child. The emotional experience of J giving us the privilege to raise her son is not one to take lightly.

Some families with bio kids choose to adopt overseas from orphanage situations. Even though these kids need families, the reason for adoption should not be to help or save these children or as a way to live out ones faith. Yes, families in these third world countries are living in extreme poverty and often cannot care for their kids. However, instead of adoption which impacts one child, how about using the $30,000+ to develop communities and help families stay together and help kids stay in their country of birth.

So when someone makes the "I always wanted" statement I wonder why. And maybe this is the question I should ask. 

I love how our family came together but it was not a "wouldn't that be nice" sort of decision. It wasn't about offering a home to a child in need. It wasn't because we have a faith. We were selfish. Our decision was all about us and our needs and wants. We wanted a family...not to add to a family.

It was just last week during a play group that a mom - who I did not know and had never spoken with - told me that she always wanted to adopt a child while she was holding her baby girl. In all honesty, my first thought was, you have a beautiful daughter, enjoy her. There are many other families who are unable to hold a baby...realize the blessing that you have and let that be enough.

church shopping

I hesitate using the "church shopping" title given its negative connotations and very individualistic approach. However, let's call a spade a spade as that is exactly what D and I have been doing.

For a variety of reasons we took a year off of going to church. The break was important for us but it's now time to go back. Since we were not going to go back to our previous church we had an opportunity to look around. Get a sense of what's out there beyond our own denomination. The driving force in our hunt for a new church was diversity. Within minutes of entering a service I knew if we would be coming back or not. If one scan of the gathering resulted in a sea of white faces we would not be returning.

We tried a number of churches recommended to us because of potential diversity. One even had a pastor from Jamaica. But overwhelmingly the chairs were filled with white people. Honestly, I was ready to give up.

I must mention here that there are a number of churches filled with refugee and recent immigrant families. I work with newcomers in our city and love the many opportunities I have to interact and serve this population. When looking for a new church I am being selfish. Newcomer families experience many barriers when in a new country, immediate needs that I am well aware of. In looking for a church we are searching for us, for our needs. Selfish I know. Some parts of being a transracial family require this. There are times when we need to put T and our family first.

We are hoping to invest in and develop relationships with black families who have a certain sense of stability and are able to invest in our lives.

I had all but given up hope in our quest for a diverse church, when as a last resort I asked some questions to a women I was only trying to make conversation with. I thought why not ask...but I know what the answer will be as this community area appears quite white. I was slightly shocked (I'm sure my face showed it) when she told me that there was diversity in the church which included some black families with kids around T's age as well as a Hispanic population.

So we tried it out.

I did the scan...and smiled.

The church is still largely white but there are a number of black young adults, families, and older adults. More than any other church we've attended.

We've now been attending this church for a month and this last week noticed another black family with a boy who looks to be just a bit younger than T. I get little goose bumps thinking about potential opportunities to get to know these families. 

I think we found our church. This search was less about the preaching, singing, programs, community area and more about creating opportunities for T and our family. Now the harder part begins...working to intentionally get to know these families and hopefully develop relationships in the future.

roots

My close friend, who has a daughter adopted from Ethiopia, and I have started a support group.

An adoptive transracial parenting support group. And we're calling this group ROOTS...meaning belonging; the core; and to grow which describes us as transracial adoptive parents and our kids as transracial adoptees.

My friend and I spent many coffee evenings chatting about such a group but it has finally come together. We met for the first time a couple of weeks ago and plan to meet monthly while working through the book Inside Transracial Adoption.

I'm so excited about this new group in my life. Excited to grow and learn together with other parents who get it. Currently we're a group of 5 women and we chatted together about our stories and the book for 3 hours! We closed the Starbucks that night.

The significant pieces from that evening for me were that racial issues for our kids supersede regular adoption issues. Race infiltrates all aspects of adoption and is the lens with which our children will view themselves and the world. And how the world will view them. This only helps to strengthen my resolve to look for a racially diverse church and in the future a school, as well as intentionally develop relationships with other people of color.

The other is that I believe that first and foremost T is a child of God and will be raised with this knowledge. My hope is that this truth will help shape his understanding of who he is and how he fits into society and the world. As an adoptive parent I don't lean only on this truth but it is a part of the whole story.

The ROOTS group meets again in two weeks and I'm already anticipating the discussion and developing deep and lasting relationships with these moms. 

It's just another kind of "moms group."

a miracle

A miracle happened today.

My friend who has been going through adoption hell had her last and final court date in Ethiopia today.

After their adoption was denied three times for reasons of stupidity, the judge over-ruled this decision and she has a son.

I have been crying for the last 10 minutes. This move by the judge is unprecedented.

This is the best news I have heard since T's birth. And my friend's son is 3 months older than T...so T now has a little buddy his own age with brown skin.

Every time I think about this news my stomach does a flip flop and I get all teary. I am beyond happy for you both Chad and Laura.

So I guess miracles really do happen...

how long...?

Questions from strangers are always interesting. Lately the same one has seemed to pop up with some regularity.

Stranger: "How old is he?"

Me: "16 months."

Stranger: "How long have you had him?"

I always answer with "since he was 2 days old."

 T is growing up. He's a toddler and at an age that many children from African countries find their forever families. When he was a newborn no one ever asked that question. People likely assumed that we had adopted him recently or maybe it was a domestic situation.

T's adoption is international, but he's American which hardly seems international to me. He's not from Ethiopia, Kenya, Ghana, or any other African country. I understand why the question is asked. He's black, I'm white and thanks to Angelina most people are more familiar with an overseas international adoption versus that of the USA.

But what the question does is bring to the forefront that T is adopted and that I am an adoptive mom. He's not just my son...but an adopted child. I'm not just a mom...but an adoptive mom. We're labeled. 

I'm never really sure where to go next in these conversations. I want to say...thanks for reminding me I'm an adoptive mom because I forgot...or...why does it matter to you...or...are you just trying to make conversation...or...why don't you talk to me like any other mom with a toddler? 

But I don't. I just answer the question and leave it at that. I'll wait to see how they respond, hope they drop the subject, and carry on with whatever we're doing. A few people have responded by commenting that we've had him for awhile. Not really sure what to say after that....um...good observation?! Does having him since birth give my adoptive mom status more validity? I'm just glad that so far no one has felt the need to continue their questioning and ask about his first mom or how it is that we got him at 2 days old.

I wonder how long people will ask me this question. Perhaps when T is old enough to understand it won't be as important for others to know exactly when we became a family. In the meantime, I'm beginning to anticipate the question. And I don't stew all day when it's asked. Questions are a part of being a transracial family. I just find the questions interesting and am sometimes surprised how they affect me and cause me to ponder my role and how comfortable I am in it.

confession friday

I confess that I stole this idea from other bloggers who are doing it.

I confess that today is my 36th birthday...inching closer to 40 and my anticipated trip to New York.

I confess that my heart hurts today for a friend going through a very tough adoption situation that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.

I confess that I used to think Facebook was dumb...and now I don't.

I confess that I love getting acupuncture.

I confess that knowing J has put a hold on her file has resulted in procrastination...I am very behind in sending letters to her.

I confess that I love to shop for T's wardrobe...and that he has quite an extensive line-up of clothing.

I confess that it's still sometimes strange to think of myself as a mom.

I confess that I've been watching "the big bang theory" which I think is a super dumb show.

I confess that I get overwhelmed thinking about trying to be a good transracial adoptive mom.

I confess that T finally found his appetite which makes me do the dance of joy.

I confess that I currently have 600 emails in my inbox.

I confess that I love T more than words can describe.

I confess that life is good.

to blog or not to blog

The end of 2010 found me with less time to spend at the computer. Entering the workforce as a mom resulted in many busy moments. Then throw in weekly swim class with T, weekly massage, acupuncture, chiropractic appointments (trying to use up all my insurance), Christmas shopping and baking and the result was a very chaotic life. I even ended up forgetting appointments and an important Christmas party I was supposed to attend. Sigh. Does the "baby brain" syndrome ever go away?

I have also been absent from blogland because I'm not sure what it is that I want to say anymore. Gone are the days I spent bitching about our agencies and the process. I am currently knee deep in parenting a one year old and adoption doesn't always arise as the very most important thing in my day. I still think about adoption related themes. I have at least 5 titled posts in my head. But I'm not sure how much to disclose in the public domain and articulating my thoughts is often harder than it should be.

I don't want to maintain this blog because I have to. I know readers lose interest when there aren't regular posts to peruse but to post just because is more work. At the same time I'm not ready to let go of this outlet. I still think there is value in keeping this blog and chronicling my journey. Since I don't journal this has been for me a diary of sorts.

So my blogging resolution for 2011 is to be a better blogger! No promises. But I'm going to take this year to determine if blogging is still for me.