stages of grief

When I was in University I took a course called "Death and Dying". It was an elective within my department and turned out to be an excellent course. We mostly studied the Kubler-Ross model and the Five Stages of Grief.

Fast forward 17 odd years and I have become quite familiar and comfortable with the stages of grief. Infertility was a grief experience, adoption was a grief experience, and I am currently knee deep within the stages once again.

The five stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. According to Kubler-Ross the stages aren't linear and not everyone experiences all the stages. I'm pretty sure that the first stage is bang on, as during all my major grief experiences denial has often been part of the beginning while moving through to acceptance, or as I prefer to call it...healing.

After discovering that I was pregnant, I lived in denial for quite some time. Denial is powerful and it definitely serves a purpose. My head and heart weren't ready to even acknowledge what those two lines on the pregnancy test meant. Since I have walked this road before -- the grief road, not the pregnancy road -- I knew that denial was okay and I was okay to sit in this stage. I also knew that it's fairly easy to stay in the denial stage for a great deal of time which isn't always healthly. Since I had limited time to process this new information (ie. 8 months!) I was aware that I couldn't stay in denial for long. So I gave myself a time limit. 

At 12 weeks gestation I had an ultrasound scheduled as part of the routine checking for fetal abnormalities. I knew the date two months ahead of time so that was the date I gave myself to start looking outside the box I was hiding in. During those months I could barely utter the words "pregnant" and "baby" to myself or close friends. D and I didn't speak about the pregnancy -- we were (and still are) on the same page and didn't need to voice anything during that time. And heaven forbid should someone mention where the new baby room would be or anything else that meant I needed to acknowledge my future.

What kept pushing me out of denial during those months was the fact that I was super nauseous 24/7 and generally felt terrible. Plus, I had a trip to Africa planned that was to start while still in my first trimester and couldn't take the anti-malaria pills, so I needed to make some hard decisions. 

It was a difficult time. One filled with many tears and sleepless nights. Plus a ton of reading novels to distract my mind! One of the best things a counselor told me after my dad died was to "feel what you feel when you feel it." I have taken that advice to heart numerous times and absolutely will not let anyone tell me how to feel or feel guilt for not feeling how others think I should. I have sat in the sadness, the anger, and the questioning at other times and will continue to do so.

Both D and I have moved out of denial. We're working at processing our grief. Grief of what we had hoped and planned for our future. 

I don't doubt that we will continue to march through the stages to healing and acceptance. But in the meantime we will feel what we feel when we feel it.

rewind three months...

Three months ago life could not have seemed to get any better. We were in the middle of the best summer, weather wise, in years, T was on his way to turning the big 2 and loving life, D was investigating a new job potential that would be great for him and our family, and I was secure in my role as mommy and loving every minute of my job.

There was no talk about having more kids. We had that talk eons ago. Another adoption was out of the question due to finances and we had no desire to pursue further infertility treatments. We were done. 

When D and I got married 15 years (!) ago we had talked about what we dreamed for our family. I had always wanted two kids and D wanted three. Fast forward to infertility and an extremely difficult adoption experience and our expectations for life and family completely changed. 

When I was at my lowest during the adoption I was completely convinced that I would never become a mother. Then after T came into my life my heart became full in a way that I had never experienced before. I didn't feel any desire or need to have more children in my family. I was now a mom to an amazing little boy and didn't need any more than that. T entering my life was such a significant experience that I didn't want to share that love and joy with another child.

People have often asked me if we were going to have more kids or start the adoption process again and my answer was always, "nope, my heart is full." There is complete truth in that statement. Every part of me was okay being a family of three and actually loving it. Having only one child has quite a few benefits -- it's easier to find babysitting, he's outnumbered, both D and I still have a sense of independence and are able to find time for ourselves, it's less financially straining, we're able to plan trips and outings easily, and we still participate in all the joys that parenthood provides.

Now fast forward three months and life is nothing like I thought it would be. I am 16 weeks pregnant and in the process of grieving what I was planning for my future.

In the end getting pregnant is really our own fault. I know about all the birth control options...we talk about them at every Healthy Baby group a nurse and I facilitate. But when you've never been pregnant, birth control really seems like a silly thing to think about. We were planning to make our family of three a for-sure permanent thing. D had already been to the pre-appointment for a vasectomy and just needed to book that actual appointment. 

And then life took a twisted turn...

the big reveal

Never...ever...did I think I would need to tell the world that I am pregnant.

This was very (very very) unexpected news and very unplanned. D was about a month away from a vasectomy. A vasectomy that we have talked about for the past year.

Needless to say, I am shocked and in a very different place than I was 5 years ago when I hoped to see two pink lines on a pregnancy test. 

My journey into motherhood continues.

i'm back

I took a long break. I didn't have much to say....just trying to stay afloat with my two year old!

I now have something to talk about, so it's back to blogging for me.

I know I've lost my readers but that's okay with me. This place is a venue for me to get out my emotions on all things motherhood related, and a place for me to process what's happening in life. Essentially this space is for me. If others happen to stumble this way and glean from my process then that's bonus.

So stay tuned.....I have an announcement to make....and it's not what you're thinking...

confession friday - stalker version

I confess that I have been stalker-ish.

T and I attend a lovely play group. I'll usually go with a friend so we can chat while the kids are running crazy. All of the mom's at this group were strangers to me and it's a big group - it's open 4 days a week.

The play group is held in the sanctuary of our new church. They move all the chairs and set out amazing and wonderful toys. It is here that I chatted with a volunteer mom about their church and after that discussion D and I have been attending ever since. During that initial discussion I was told of a family that also attends the church with a black mom, white dad, and 2 biracial kids....and then she showed up at the play group later.

I have been stalking her ever since!

Let me explain.

She is lovely and her son appeared to be T's age so I have noticed her at church and play group. I've tried to encourage T's playing in the direction of where her son is but those of you who know my son, know that getting him to play in one spot is impossible. Then one day at the end of play group she was standing by the door, I said "bye" and she said "see you on Sunday." I was shocked. She had noticed me! So I stopped and we chatted for a bit and I found out that her son is 3 weeks younger then T. Perfect!

At church I have also exhibited stalker-ish behaviours as I'm the one bringing T back to kids church and I make sure I bump into every black mom that is doing the same. Pathetic I know.

I've chatted with the mom first met at play group a few times during church now. We even met up at play group together on purpose and chatted for awhile. And last Sunday after church she extended a future invitation to their house for lunch.

I joke about the stalker thing but there is some truth in that statement. If D and I are truly going to meet new families of color to invest in and hopefully have invest in us then we need to be intentional. This means going out of our way and comfortable bubble to meet people. Not all will develop into relationships with meaning but I hope some will.

I do have a very good feeling about the family from church that we have met. And I really hope that we can develop a friendship. 

And maybe someday I'll tell her about how I stalked her...

a girl like me - race matters

A powerful video. My heart broke at the end of the "doll test" from the 1940's. There is much work to be done.

i'm a bad OA roundtable blogger

Heather from Production Not Reproduction sent out an email notice regarding a new Open Adoption Roundtable topic.

This time the topic was: How have you seen open adoption portrayed on television? What did you think? What, if anything, would you like to see? Read more here.

We don't have a TV. An intentional decision made after T joined our lives. D and I have a beautiful iMac with a screen bigger than our TV so we download shows and watch only what we want to watch. Therefore I am not privy to general TV viewing --- and actually am really out of touch with world issues! Also, we only subscribed to basic cable which meant that we weren't able to watch any of the special channels where one would be exposed to some of the adoption related shows I've heard of. So no contribution to the roundtable from me.

Previous OA Roundtable topics that I've missed are:

"Open adoption is about information sharing." Share your reaction to that statement. How well does it match up with your experience of open adoption? If you disagree, how would you finish the phrase, "Open adoption is about..."? Read more here.

Write about siblings and open adoption. Read more here.

How do open adoption and holiday traditions intersect in your life? Read more here.

One year ago many of us answered the question, "How will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010?" If you participated in the January 2010 discussion, revisit your post and give us the one-year-later update. Read more here.

I've been hesitant to participate in further OA Roundtable topics because let's face it...we do not have an open adoption. Ours was always semi-open and now since J put a hold on her file at the agency we have no contact what so ever. And yet, I'm having a hard time changing my "about me" profile. My hope and desire for the future is openness but perhaps I need to come down from that cloud and be more honest with myself about what this adoption currently looks like.