Friday, October 31, 2008
about transracial parenting
I recently came across this post called, "Ebony. Ivory. Perplexity." The author of the post is a white mother with 2 African American boys through adoption. Take a read through her thoughtful essay. It's a bit long but really worth the read!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
pros of a childless life
I acknowledge that I take the perks of a childless life for granted! To embrace my time of waiting, I will also embrace what I enjoy about my current lifestyle and not so quickly wish it away.
So, in no particular order (although I do love my sleep!) my current lifestyle allows me:
So, in no particular order (although I do love my sleep!) my current lifestyle allows me:
- To sleep in on the weekend
- More specifically, uninterrupted sleep (except for when my cat gets hungry!)
- To come and go as I please
- More uninterrupted time with my hubby
- To not have to worry about always modeling healthy behaviours
- The benefits of a double income
- To be selfish and shop just for me
- More time to invest in relationships with friends
- To watch a TV show from beginning to end
- Time to do the things that I really enjoy like reading, scrapbooking, and going to the ballet
- Etc. etc.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
tooting my tiny horn
toot...toot!
Today I will take a break from writing about adoption because today is the day that I officially graduate from my Master's program! Hard to believe that I actually finished it...there were many moments when I wasn't so sure if I could go through with it all. When I enrolled in the program 2 1/2 years ago I wondered what might happen with my school plans since we were trying to have a family. Obviously, nothing has interferred with my schooling and I finished the degree well before we'll have a family. But I have become a big believer in making plans based on where life is currently at and not some future hope or desire. I've heard so many people talk about how unhappy they are at their job or some other situation but yet they don't make changes "just in case" they get pregnant. Well, how do you know if that "just in case" (whatever it is) will happen in a timely fashion? If I had listened to that "just in case" instinct I wouldn't have enrolled in graduate school and wouldn't be where I am today. You just really don't know where life will take you so all you can do is make decisions based on the information available at the time.
Anyway, yeah for me today!
Today I will take a break from writing about adoption because today is the day that I officially graduate from my Master's program! Hard to believe that I actually finished it...there were many moments when I wasn't so sure if I could go through with it all. When I enrolled in the program 2 1/2 years ago I wondered what might happen with my school plans since we were trying to have a family. Obviously, nothing has interferred with my schooling and I finished the degree well before we'll have a family. But I have become a big believer in making plans based on where life is currently at and not some future hope or desire. I've heard so many people talk about how unhappy they are at their job or some other situation but yet they don't make changes "just in case" they get pregnant. Well, how do you know if that "just in case" (whatever it is) will happen in a timely fashion? If I had listened to that "just in case" instinct I wouldn't have enrolled in graduate school and wouldn't be where I am today. You just really don't know where life will take you so all you can do is make decisions based on the information available at the time.
Anyway, yeah for me today!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
please don't say...#2
When you discover that someone is planning to adopt a child, please don’t say…”You can take (or borrow) mine for awhile!”
This statement completely minimizes the adoption process. Firstly, and most importantly, this minimizes what expectant mothers experience as they contemplate their options and consider making an adoption plan for their child. First mothers who relinquish rights do not make half-hearted decisions. This is not an “off the cuff” sort of thing so to casually offer your child to anyone is disrespectful of adoptee’s first families. Secondly, this statement minimizes what the prospective adoptive parents are going through in general and their possible process of walking through infertility. You may have been able to easily reproduce but many others have not, so don’t flaunt your offspring through casual offers. Plus, what would you do or say if someone actually said "yes!" to the offer?
Okay…was that a bit harsh? Possibly, but it needed to be said. This is how I have felt when someone “offers” their kids to me (yes, this has happened more then once). I get that raising kids is tough and frustrating, but the next time you’re willing to lend them out think about what that statement may portray to others.
This statement completely minimizes the adoption process. Firstly, and most importantly, this minimizes what expectant mothers experience as they contemplate their options and consider making an adoption plan for their child. First mothers who relinquish rights do not make half-hearted decisions. This is not an “off the cuff” sort of thing so to casually offer your child to anyone is disrespectful of adoptee’s first families. Secondly, this statement minimizes what the prospective adoptive parents are going through in general and their possible process of walking through infertility. You may have been able to easily reproduce but many others have not, so don’t flaunt your offspring through casual offers. Plus, what would you do or say if someone actually said "yes!" to the offer?
Okay…was that a bit harsh? Possibly, but it needed to be said. This is how I have felt when someone “offers” their kids to me (yes, this has happened more then once). I get that raising kids is tough and frustrating, but the next time you’re willing to lend them out think about what that statement may portray to others.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
book recommendation on kids and race
I'm currently reading an excellent book on race and child development called "I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla: Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race-Conscious World." This book isn't about adoption but as a future transracial family the topic is quite relevant to us. This is from the back cover:
"I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla teaches parents and educators of black and biracial children how to reduce racism's impact on a child's development - from preschool through adolescence - and in doing so to raise emotionally healthy children."
I'm about a third of the way through the book (just finished the preschool years!) and would highly recommend it to any transracial adoptive family. I would actually recommend this book to anyone who knows and interacts with children of color...especially teachers.
*A note to my family and friends...if interested, I'd be more then willing to lend it out!
"I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla teaches parents and educators of black and biracial children how to reduce racism's impact on a child's development - from preschool through adolescence - and in doing so to raise emotionally healthy children."
I'm about a third of the way through the book (just finished the preschool years!) and would highly recommend it to any transracial adoptive family. I would actually recommend this book to anyone who knows and interacts with children of color...especially teachers.
*A note to my family and friends...if interested, I'd be more then willing to lend it out!
Friday, October 24, 2008
what completes you?
Is it your spouse? Your family? Your friends? Your job? Your house or car? Is it Jerry McGuire? (couldn’t resist that one!).
This is a question that I have spent some time with lately. What is it that completes me?
I think that most people would answer that family and friends are top priorities in life but I would beg to differ. All you have to do is take a good look at our North American culture to see that many people in fact put other things first in life such as a job, financial security, and accumulation of stuff. Others would answer that God or faith is a top priority, but again I question the truth in that statement (this is such a Sunday School answer). If God were truly a priority in our lives I believe that the world would be a much different place.
When we were unsure if our adoption process would move forward because of the Hague Treaty I really began to take a good look at where my center was and what completes me. Would I be able to be joyful without a family? Was my center focused on having a child and then I would finally be complete and whole as a woman? My honest answer to those questions would be, “no” and “yes”. It was then that I realized that I needed to re-shift my focus and re-center myself. Even though I do feel that family is important for a variety of reasons, this can not be what completes me. I think it’s partly infertility that throws many women off their center. Infertility takes over your life. You live and breathe it every day…every month. Having a baby becomes your focus. This easily occurs because when there is something that you want, that you can’t/don’t have, you start to see it EVERYWHERE around you!
I’ve been working at really putting God at my center, this is especially important to me during my waiting time. It’s very easy for me to be consumed by adoption and feel that everything in my world will finally be right once we get that one magical phone call. With this as my center I do believe that I will drive myself nuts and be obsessed! I daily remind myself of the truth that it is the Lord who completes me…not D and not a child. When I sit in the room that will hopefully one day become a baby room, I pray for God to fill me with his joy and presence and not stress that the room is empty.
Have I got this all figured out? Absolutely not!
Do I always feel at peace about the waiting and knowledge that God is what completes me? Nope!
Do I still stress about when I’m finally going to be a mom? Yep!
But I take great solace in the ways that God is working on my spirit. I turn to Him more quickly these days for peace in my heart. And my prayer is to honor who God is while waiting.
This is a question that I have spent some time with lately. What is it that completes me?
I think that most people would answer that family and friends are top priorities in life but I would beg to differ. All you have to do is take a good look at our North American culture to see that many people in fact put other things first in life such as a job, financial security, and accumulation of stuff. Others would answer that God or faith is a top priority, but again I question the truth in that statement (this is such a Sunday School answer). If God were truly a priority in our lives I believe that the world would be a much different place.
When we were unsure if our adoption process would move forward because of the Hague Treaty I really began to take a good look at where my center was and what completes me. Would I be able to be joyful without a family? Was my center focused on having a child and then I would finally be complete and whole as a woman? My honest answer to those questions would be, “no” and “yes”. It was then that I realized that I needed to re-shift my focus and re-center myself. Even though I do feel that family is important for a variety of reasons, this can not be what completes me. I think it’s partly infertility that throws many women off their center. Infertility takes over your life. You live and breathe it every day…every month. Having a baby becomes your focus. This easily occurs because when there is something that you want, that you can’t/don’t have, you start to see it EVERYWHERE around you!
I’ve been working at really putting God at my center, this is especially important to me during my waiting time. It’s very easy for me to be consumed by adoption and feel that everything in my world will finally be right once we get that one magical phone call. With this as my center I do believe that I will drive myself nuts and be obsessed! I daily remind myself of the truth that it is the Lord who completes me…not D and not a child. When I sit in the room that will hopefully one day become a baby room, I pray for God to fill me with his joy and presence and not stress that the room is empty.
Have I got this all figured out? Absolutely not!
Do I always feel at peace about the waiting and knowledge that God is what completes me? Nope!
Do I still stress about when I’m finally going to be a mom? Yep!
But I take great solace in the ways that God is working on my spirit. I turn to Him more quickly these days for peace in my heart. And my prayer is to honor who God is while waiting.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
please don't say...#1
When you discover that someone without biological kids is planning to adopt a child, please don’t say…”Now you’re going to get pregnant!”
The stars and planets don’t line up in some magical way to cause conception as soon as the ink has dried on an adoption application form. The statistics do not show that more people become pregnant when they decide to pursue adoption. This is just simply not true.
And if someone does end up pregnant while they are in the adoption process please don’t automatically assume that they won’t want to adopt any more. Many of us who are in this, are in it for good. When D and I decided to pursue adoption we talked about what we would do if somewhere in this process we became pregnant. All along we have been completely in this, we know that at least one of our kids will be adopted regardless if we conceive or not. You can’t be in this 50%...not with all the paperwork and agency headaches! When someone in the adoption process becomes pregnant and now has to stop the process (in Canada you have to wait until the bio kid is at least 6m before pursuing adoption), please acknowledge their grief for the child they were expecting and anticipating through adoption.
And lastly, ALL babies are miracles. People have said that they are praying for us to have a “miracle baby.” We WILL have a miracle baby through adoption (and not in that it’s a miracle because it’s God’s divine plan kind of way) simply because I believe that every time a child enters the world it is a miracle. To be pregnant and in crisis is not a good situation, but the fact that conception took place is in and of itself a miracle. Egg and sperm meet in a hostile environment, it’s a wonder that anyone conceives! (Was that too much information?!).
The stars and planets don’t line up in some magical way to cause conception as soon as the ink has dried on an adoption application form. The statistics do not show that more people become pregnant when they decide to pursue adoption. This is just simply not true.
And if someone does end up pregnant while they are in the adoption process please don’t automatically assume that they won’t want to adopt any more. Many of us who are in this, are in it for good. When D and I decided to pursue adoption we talked about what we would do if somewhere in this process we became pregnant. All along we have been completely in this, we know that at least one of our kids will be adopted regardless if we conceive or not. You can’t be in this 50%...not with all the paperwork and agency headaches! When someone in the adoption process becomes pregnant and now has to stop the process (in Canada you have to wait until the bio kid is at least 6m before pursuing adoption), please acknowledge their grief for the child they were expecting and anticipating through adoption.
And lastly, ALL babies are miracles. People have said that they are praying for us to have a “miracle baby.” We WILL have a miracle baby through adoption (and not in that it’s a miracle because it’s God’s divine plan kind of way) simply because I believe that every time a child enters the world it is a miracle. To be pregnant and in crisis is not a good situation, but the fact that conception took place is in and of itself a miracle. Egg and sperm meet in a hostile environment, it’s a wonder that anyone conceives! (Was that too much information?!).
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