no fool

Thought an April fool's baby would have been a great way to book end this pregnancy....considering I was pretty fooled by this whole thing! I would have had a great laugh with that story.

But baby still hasn't decided to make her entrance.

One week to go.

ready?

It is officially 2 weeks until my due date and everyone wants to know if I'm ready.

I guess it depends on what one means by "ready." The baby room isn't ready. I don't have a hospital bag packed. No diapers. But we finally got an infant car seat 2 weeks ago. 

The answer is yes and no.

I do not want to be pregnant any longer...well...I didn't want to be pregnant 8 months ago either!

But I am not ready for a newborn to exist in my household once again. Sort of freaking out over that one. Especially since this time around I'm dealing with a super duper active 2 year old at the same time.

I have very vivid memories of life with a new baby. Since I thought that baby T would be my only newborn experience I worked extra hard to be present in every moment. So now to think about re-living some of that does not excite me. I believe that you can't ever be fully prepared for life with a baby, but I'm feeling like my prepared-ness pendulum has swung to the other extreme. Still sort of living in denial about this whole new baby business.

So right now it works for me to not give it a lot of thought. I know a baby is coming...and rather soon. Instead of spending too much head space on this right now, I'll work it through once baby is here.

In the meantime I think I'll go get my bag packed...

an old pro...

This is a common conversation with an old acquaintance, stranger, someone who works in the same building as I do, etc.

Person: So when are you due?

Me: April

Person: Is this your first?

Me: No. I have a 2 1/2 year old boy.

Person (referring to labour and delivery): Oh. Then you'll be an old pro!

Me (thinking) ...um...not exactly!

do your baby's hair...

At the beginning of the TV season this fall a number of my fave shows highlighted adoption story lines. One of those shows is Greys Anatomy. I'm not going to get into the story line but basically two of the main characters, Derek and Meredith, adopted a baby girl from Africa. So this is a transracial adoption. It was interesting to me that throughout the whole season never once did the issue of race come up related to this adoption -- even in discussions with the social worker. Until last week.

Here's the best clip.

I love that this is the way that they started the race discussion because it's so true to real life, and an every day issue. We transracial adoptive parents think and ponder the future racial concerns our families will face, but doing the hair well is a daily occurrence.

Now it would be nice if they continued racial discussions and touched on the myriad of other things related to being in a transracial adoption.

belly pictures

I'm aware that there are certain things that many women do to acknowledge pregnancy. Especially a first pregnancy.

Some keep the pee stick. Others take belly shots monthly. Some write letters to their unborn child. And many frame ultrasound pictures.

My pee stick went in the trash. No monthly pictures happening over here. No letter writing. And ultrasound pics are somewhere deep in a drawer.

That said. I still am aware enough to know that in the future I will likely want to have certain things in my possession for this new baby. The most important pregnancy remembrance I desired were some tasteful and relaxed pictures of me and this belly.

No naked belly shots. No pictures of D with his arms around me. No hands on belly. And for sure no heart shaped fingers surrounding my belly button.

Please hear me when I say that there is nothing wrong with those pictures. They just aren't me.

I wanted pictures taken of me in a relaxed state...as if I was having coffee with a friend and the images captured my part of the story. 

And that is exactly what I got. 

I have an amazingly talented and creative friend who understood the sort of pictures I wanted and actually would have been less then thrilled had I bared my belly. She captured me. A me that happened to be 6 months pregnant.

Thank you my dear friend for beautiful images that one day will be shared with my daughter. And thank you for a lovely afternoon that was just as much about our friendship as it was about me.

to celebrate pregnancy

The idea of what it means to celebrate pregnancy is a value. All who do become pregnant will experience this in different ways.

I come into this pregnancy with certain life circumstance that many pregnant women will never experience. I have a history of infertility. Never even once considered assisted reproductive technology. A history with adoption. And I was never pregnant (until now of course)...so no miscarriages etc.

Beyond what the end result of being pregnant was, I did not feel this great need to be pregnant. I did not feel less of a woman by not experiencing this rite of passage. I had difficulty dealing with those who were pregnant around me because I wanted what they would have at the end of 9 months. I seriously just wanted to be a mom.

I have also worked with pregnant women and babies for most of my career. I have seen and chatted with more pregnant women then I could ever begin to count. And I have held babies over and over again. To see a pregnant woman and baby at this point in my life are very common place. I don't gush over the bellies or babies. They just are what they are.

Also, the lack of high fives and ooing/awing over the belly is just who I am. I have never -- even before we started trying to conceive -- wanted to touch bellies or know all the intimate details about being pregnant. I have been genuinely interested in my friends and their pregnancies but still don't need to spend gobs of time on the topic. And never would I initiate a conversation with a stranger and their belly, unless we were already engaged in conversation and I felt it was appropriate.

I also approach this pregnancy as someone who spoke with a pregnant woman two years ago about potentially parenting her child, and then watched that same woman place her baby in my arms. I think about her pregnancy experience and that perhaps it was not one to celebrate. I think about her in the grocery store with her older daughter and a swollen belly and wonder what strangers may have said to her.

And I do think there is something different about a stranger making a curious comment about a due date when appropriate versus an acquaintance or friend saying "I thought you couldn't get pregnant" or making other assumptions without truly listening to what is felt by the woman at the time.

People worry that I'm missing out on some sort of feeling or experience during this pregnancy...something that they themselves may have felt during pregnancy. Again, what a pregnancy celebration means and looks like is a value. I don't need others to put their values about pregnancy on me. I am truly not concerned about my lack of celebration. I have yet to move into full acceptance of this pregnancy and the end result. Most of the time I still can't believe that I'm pregnant in the first place, and I know enough about myself to know that belief and acceptance will only come after birth. Once there really is a baby to care for and to love on. I am not concerned or worried that bonding and attachment won't happen. I'm just not sure how it will happen, and this again is different for every woman, no matter her pregnancy experience.

If those around me want to celebrate my pregnancy, go for it. Just don't try to make me feel like I have to follow suit or feel what they felt during the same experience.

In this blog space I am being completely honest about my emotions and process. And this may make people uncomfortable. I could perhaps ignore my own feelings and appear as though pregnancy and another child is now the best possible thing to happen to me and I wouldn't want it any other way. That may make those around me more comfortable, but I do know that I would be worse off for not feeling what I feel and being honest about the process.

After my father passed away and people didn't know what to say to me, I ended up saying things to help make them feel better and take them off the hook per say. Those moments were hard for me. I was in the depths of despair but took energy away from processing this loss in my life by caring for others. I'm certainly all for being a caring person -- and those who know me well know that I am not coldhearted -- but I was struggling with life and grieving and needed support. I didn't need full understanding because I am very aware that unless one has walked the road of similar grief it's difficult to empathize, but to just listen to my hurting heart and to be okay with where I was in that moment.

And today at 7 months pregnant I am okay with where I'm at. Contrary to popular belief, I do not sit around and constantly bemoan this pregnancy. At the same time I am still very real and authentic with where I'm at in this journey. I have done as much work processing my new life path as I can do right now. The next part which includes full acceptance and moving forward with love and joy will occur after birth. And I know the rest of my processing time will not happen immediately.

In the meantime, the words I write on this blog are but a glimpse into my current life state. It is mostly the hard stuff I've been thinking about that I write here. I don't write about preparing the baby room, or buying all the cute tiny pink clothes, or watching T hear the heartbeat. All these things are a part of my life as well, I just don't "celebrate" them in the same way as another pregnant woman would.

ears to hear

A few of the comments to my post "I thought you couldn't get pregnant..." were of this nature, written by Anonymous*:

The content of the question is intrusive and can feel violating, but at its heart it would seem that it is friendly curiosity, or delighted astonishment...a chance to celebrate what to the other might seem a miracle. I think it's great to educate people to have them understand how they come across...but my hunch is that if you let them know how rude they seemed to you, they would be surprised as that would be the farthest from their intent...I wonder if it doesn't make sense to hear, "blah blah blah" and see the joy in their eyes and acknowledge the love therein.

This is not the first time others have let me know that most people aren't vindictive and mean well enough with their curious questions. I agree that many of the questions I get make sense when thinking about either our adoption or pregnancy situations.

However, that doesn't make it right or fair for people to ask the questions or make the comments.

Remember that I always have little ears with me who hear. Those ears will hear all comments and questions and will not be able to discern whether they were made in good will. It is those ears that are my first priority. It isn't just about me dealing with rude and inappropriate comments, it's about me always putting my child(ren) first.

While a comment directed towards my "miracle" pregnancy may seem benign enough to the average person, it speaks volumes to me and the little boy sitting beside me. They are comments that I will have to explain to him and then help him understand why people say the things they do. 

So. No. I can't completely acknowledge the love in the eyes of someone who makes comments related to adoption or pregnancy and see it as friendly curiosity, no matter how innocent it may be. I can't just give people the benefit of the doubt and I can't just let it go.

My role is that of mama bear. To know that my child(ren) have ears that will hear all. And then to be aware of constructive ways to deal with all comments and questions that protect my child(ren).

*Please know that I have no issue with people disagreeing with my take on things, but an anonymous comment is up for using how I desire.