i was wrong

I was wrong about the season...

On June 17th we finally got "THE CALL" that changed our lives forever!

Tomorrow morning we leave for the States. More details to come...

adoption is different

Paula who blogs at Heart, Mind and Seoul speaks from a fascinating perspective. She is an adoptee, has a biological child, and a child through adoption. Her post One Perspective on Parenting Through the Lens of an Adoptee, AP and Bio Parent is a great reflection of the unique position she can speak from. She says,

I have to admit that I cringe whenever I hear people say that bringing a child into the family through adoption is no different than giving birth. To pretend that my son and daughter came into our family under equal and equitable conditions is not only untruthful, but also does a great disservice to each of them as individuals and to their respective beginnings.

When initially going through our home study, D and I spoke about how adoption is just another way to form a family. However, through additional learning and spending time reading blogs and listening to others touched by adoption, we more clearly understand that adoption is a valid way to form a family but it isn't the same as if we had a child biologically. Our future child's life will not begin with us. There is history that includes heritage, genetics, and roots present in each child that is adopted. Even though we will likely meet our future child soon after birth, the 9 months this child spent in utero with his or her first mother is an important part of who they are. Often those of us who build our families through adoption feel the need to justify and defend our choices, especially when we are constantly questioned and scrutinized about those said choices. But ignoring the differences between adoptive families versus biological families doesn't help our case, nor does it benefit the children.

I'm so thankful that D and I are on the same page with regards to the many different issues that come up in adoption. We are both open to learning about this process and about ourselves in the meantime. We can also look back and laugh a bit at ourselves when we began the adoption journey. I chuckle thinking about some of the naive things we have thought and said -- especially during that first home study. But thank goodness for constant growth and learning! We certainly don't have this all figured out yet, we're a work in progress, but I sometimes marvel at how far we've come. I wonder how many more insights we'll be granted along the way...

fall 2009?

The other day I had a thought (I know that's dangerous for me, but it happened!). Last fall I was so convinced that we were going to become parents. I don't know what it was exactly, but just a feeling that fall was the right time of year for this to happen. I could feel it in the air and as the leaves changed color.

Then fall passed...then winter...and now spring.

Still no baby.

Mind you, our file only "officially" became active towards the end of November, but it arrived at the American agency in the middle of September and we know that they start showing potential adoptive parent profiles immediately after receiving them if there is a potential match.

That same day I also realized that it is only 3 months until fall.

Three short months until September. I know that summer hasn't even started for us out here but the reality is that in 3 short months the leaves will start to turn color again and fall will be upon us (don't shoot me for this reminder!).

Maybe I was right about the season...but just got the year wrong.

awkward conversation

This week I started my new job. Within the first half an hour, of the first day, I was meeting with my supervisor and explaining our adoption plans. It was an awkward conversation to have.

My immediate supervisor was not a part of the interview. I was interviewed by two other individuals who I also report too. At the end of the interview I disclosed our adoption plans -- one of the two already knew, so I thought it was important to just lay it all on the table and be transparent about my situation. When I was offered the job, I again mentioned that we were in the process of adopting a child and was told that this fact couldn't be factored into their decision on who to hire. Prior to applying for the job I did some research about the option of taking a parental leave shortly after being hired. I thought I was in a position to be able to negotiate taking a leave of absence.

After accepting the position I did some additional research. It turns out that the information I was given was incorrect. Labor laws state that one must be in continuous employment with the same employer for at least 7 months to take parental leave and be guaranteed a job at the end. Well that doesn't sit well with me since I sincerely hope that I won't be waiting another 7 months before becoming a mom and I really don't want to have to give up this permanent position.

Apparently I can still try to negotiate being granted parental leave earlier than the 7 months, but this means you need to be working in an environment where the human resources department has half a heart. I do not work in such a place. In fact, the HR department of my employer is known to be unlike any other.....and not in a good way.

By having that awkward conversation on my first day of work, my hope was to get my supervisor on my side. He was very supportive of the adoption. He acknowledged the difficulties many have with HR. And he did say that he would look into it and see what he could do for me. I'm really doubtful that things will work out in my favor...but I guess you never know.

But this whole situation plays with my mind. I've found myself hoping that we don't hear from our agency for awhile so that I can clock in more time at this job. But thinking that way doesn't sit well with the part of me that really wants a child. I know that we have options with this parental leave. D could take the first part of it and then I take the later part, after putting in the 7 months. That certainly isn't ideal for many reasons. I feel like I have given up so much already in our journey to have a family and this is just one more kick in the ass. It sure sucks to continually face more unknowns.

Just one more mountain to climb in the ongoing expedition that has become my life.

my life is a mental game

I've been playing a mental game for some time now. The months of April to June exactly one year ago marks our process of gathering adoption related paperwork and completing adoption related tasks. We were so naïve one year ago. When we were told by our Canadian agency that it took about 3 months to complete the home study, we did the math. When we were told by our American agency that placements for African American babies often happen very quickly, even within 1-2 months, we did the math. The part of the equation that we weren't aware of was how long the approvals would take in each country and how long we would end up waiting. So now that we have started to experience one year "anniversaries" of the paperwork gathering and task completion, my life has become a mental game.

One year ago in May I was convinced that we would have a family by now. As I attended regular yearly functions and events I thought about how my life would be different next year which might mean I didn't attend that particular event. And yet here I sit, still childless and able to attend these functions and events. But each time I do I have to play the game. I have to mentally prepare myself for the emotions that surface as I am continually reminded that I do not have a family. That 12 months of life have passed without much changing in mine. That I have lost much hope and optimism.

Today was one of those days. Had my game face on.

what if...?

What if we had decided not to pursue adoption and not have any children. What would our lives look like now? How would our focus be different?

I know one thing is for sure, we would have gone on a kick ass, hot destination vacation during this wretched winter! We’d likely be thinking about getting a different vehicle. Possibly doing some small renovation projects to our house.

But all of those things just involve the use of money that is currently tied up in savings for a different purpose.

How would life be different in general? Would we make new friends because all our current ones have kids and are at a very different life stage then us? Would we spend more time volunteering to find purpose and meaning or would we become more selfish because life would just be about us? Would we grow closer together because kids wouldn’t get in the way of our relationship or further apart because we wouldn’t have the common goals and desires related to parenthood?

What would we do with our time? Now we’re anticipating lives full of diapers, playing, soccer games, and piano lessons. What would fill in the spaces of that extra time? Would we feel less stress by not becoming parents or more stress because we haven’t followed the “norms” of society and fall on the fringes.*

We’d definitely be able to retire sooner and possibly even find a small retirement community by the ocean somewhere!

I've been thinking about this whole idea of never becoming a mom lately. As I watch countless others become parents I wonder if my time has passed. Maybe it just isn't "meant to be." Maybe these adoption plans were just a ruse to keep my mind busy for a time, planning and preparing for a future that included a child. Perhaps I need to face my current reality with different eyes. Is this what life holds for me? I am blessed with so much but yet why do I feel so empty? I know we could make life without children work. The thing is that I don’t want to make it work in that way. I want more from life, a fullness and richness that can in part be provided through family. I will put myself through this waiting hell to get that. To become a mom and look beyond myself and what I could have accomplished on my own, to look upon a child and be needed in a way that I have never experienced before.

For that I will wait.

*Just for the record, to adopt transracially already pushes us out into the fringes of society and we will experience this fact regardless.

a new distraction

I got the job.

Yay for me!

My hours have been cut in half and I’ve taken a substantial cut in pay, but I got the job! I am excited about this position and think this is a good long term move for me. Whenever baby comes into our lives I will want to be working part-time and now I’ll have a permanent job to go back to after parental leave. And my current job will let me reduce my hours to part-time so I can still make a decent income and keep my hours up for parental leave.

Things worked out so nicely….now if only the same could be said about the adoption…