the call

On Wednesday, June 17th, just after work, our American adoption agency worker called to let us know that expectant mom A wanted to talk with us on the phone. We did a phone interview with another expectant mom a month earlier so we sorta knew the drill. But this time our agency worker told us that A had really liked our profile and was excited to speak with us. We arranged our phone call for 8:00 that night...and of course we got all nervous!

The last phone call we did both the expectant mom and dad spoke with us. She was very shy and soft spoken and hardly said anything so we filled the space by letting them know more about us. The phone conversation with A was quite different. A got on the phone and the first thing she said in a bubbly, outgoing voice was "you guys are SO cute! I love your cute house and cute cat!" We laughed together and talked about our lives and futures. Our phone call lasted just under an hour and we left it that A would call back if she had any more questions for us. Our agency worker (who was on the phone the whole time as well) said she would call us in a couple of minutes. D and I sat on the couch and not even 5 minutes later our worker called back and said that A wanted to speak with us again. D and I looked at each other slightly confused with a teensy bit of excitement. A got on the phone and asked us if we would like to be parents to a baby boy! We said yes! and then started crying...A started to cry...and then our worker started crying. It was awesome! A told us that she wanted us as involved in her last couple of weeks of pregnancy as we could be and that she wanted us present for the birth (which was to be via c-section). The three of us even talked about names and picked one together that night. We also talked about the open adoption arrangement that we all wanted. D and I were so excited that she felt the same as us about this. Finally we had to say good-bye and then D and I flipped out! We jumped up and down, cried some more, and then made some phone calls. That night was the first time I can say with all certainty that I didn't sleep at all!

For the rest of the week and weekend D and I felt like we were dreaming. We'd ask each other, "did that really happen?" We tried to concentrate on work and other things that needed to get done with great difficulty. We quickly made lists and shopped for our upcoming trip that would make us a family of 3.

On Tuesday, June 23rd, A called again to let us know how her doctor appointment had been the day before. It was so good to hear her voice again as it made everything feel a bit more real. We only got to chat for about 10 minutes. A told us that her mom was arriving later that week to be present for the birth and she also wanted to meet us. A also said that she read through our profile every day - she loved the fact that D only ate Heinz ketchup, that we had a couple of pictures of our baby room, and that we mentioned that we would honor and celebrate her child's African American heritage. We let her know that we were planning to arrive on Sunday and our agency worker said then we could all meet for dinner that night. How exciting that we would get to meet A while she was still pregnant!

Everything was turning out so perfect...

life as usual?

We are back home...with empty arms. Taking an empty car seat on our journey south was fun. People at the airport and car rental place all asked in a confused voice, "where's baby?!" and we had fun telling them about the adoption. Never did we imagine that we would be carrying an empty car seat on the journey home.

The two days we spent with the expectant mom, A, and her mom were priceless and amazing (I will be documenting that). We hit it off immediately. More than once D and I commented to each other that we felt like we were living a dream and none of it felt real. While shopping for some things for the baby on Monday, every so often we would pause and look at each other asking if this was really happening. Then we would get all excited and flustered and try to concentrate on the task at hand.

Maybe it all really was a dream because now that we're home life carries on again as usual. On the inside our hearts have been ripped open, but nothing on the outside has changed. The baby room still sits empty, our house is still quiet, we still have freedom to come and go as we please, we will both go back to work, etc. etc. But life cannot carry on as usual. We have experienced incredible loss in the last 3 days. Loss of a dream, loss of what would have been a beautiful adoption as both parties were on the same page with so many things, loss of relationship, loss of health for baby...and there is so much uncertainty in the future for baby, for A, and for us. And yet again we have experienced loss of innocence. Will we be as excited the next time the call comes in? Will we let ourselves dream? If given the opportunity to go early again, will we? Will we now have more doubt in our hearts than hope?

Now we're left to pick up the pieces and figure out a way to carry on and move forward. We have some decisions to make regarding our future. Pray for clear direction and wisdom.

a different kind of update

I am continually amazed at the curve balls life can throw. This is a very different kind of post than I was expecting to write this week.

On June 30th a baby boy was born, but he has a congenital condition that was not caught earlier. This is something that can be survived, but the outlook isn't great as this little boy is very, very sick. He is in the intensive care unit at one of the best children's hospitals in the northwestern states so has unbelievable care, but whether he survives and what complications may or may not occur are yet to be seen. Should he make it, he's looking at at least a couple months in the hospital. This little guy is constantly in our prayers.

The unforeseen health and future of this child means our adoption of him won't be able to move forward. We are greatly saddened by this, we are scared for this little baby, and we feel so badly for the birth mom. In the few days we've known each other we have grown amazingly close and looked forward to being a part of each other's lives.

We are completely numb and have no idea how we will recover from this and move on.

Please pray.

i was wrong

I was wrong about the season...

On June 17th we finally got "THE CALL" that changed our lives forever!

Tomorrow morning we leave for the States. More details to come...

adoption is different

Paula who blogs at Heart, Mind and Seoul speaks from a fascinating perspective. She is an adoptee, has a biological child, and a child through adoption. Her post One Perspective on Parenting Through the Lens of an Adoptee, AP and Bio Parent is a great reflection of the unique position she can speak from. She says,

I have to admit that I cringe whenever I hear people say that bringing a child into the family through adoption is no different than giving birth. To pretend that my son and daughter came into our family under equal and equitable conditions is not only untruthful, but also does a great disservice to each of them as individuals and to their respective beginnings.

When initially going through our home study, D and I spoke about how adoption is just another way to form a family. However, through additional learning and spending time reading blogs and listening to others touched by adoption, we more clearly understand that adoption is a valid way to form a family but it isn't the same as if we had a child biologically. Our future child's life will not begin with us. There is history that includes heritage, genetics, and roots present in each child that is adopted. Even though we will likely meet our future child soon after birth, the 9 months this child spent in utero with his or her first mother is an important part of who they are. Often those of us who build our families through adoption feel the need to justify and defend our choices, especially when we are constantly questioned and scrutinized about those said choices. But ignoring the differences between adoptive families versus biological families doesn't help our case, nor does it benefit the children.

I'm so thankful that D and I are on the same page with regards to the many different issues that come up in adoption. We are both open to learning about this process and about ourselves in the meantime. We can also look back and laugh a bit at ourselves when we began the adoption journey. I chuckle thinking about some of the naive things we have thought and said -- especially during that first home study. But thank goodness for constant growth and learning! We certainly don't have this all figured out yet, we're a work in progress, but I sometimes marvel at how far we've come. I wonder how many more insights we'll be granted along the way...

fall 2009?

The other day I had a thought (I know that's dangerous for me, but it happened!). Last fall I was so convinced that we were going to become parents. I don't know what it was exactly, but just a feeling that fall was the right time of year for this to happen. I could feel it in the air and as the leaves changed color.

Then fall passed...then winter...and now spring.

Still no baby.

Mind you, our file only "officially" became active towards the end of November, but it arrived at the American agency in the middle of September and we know that they start showing potential adoptive parent profiles immediately after receiving them if there is a potential match.

That same day I also realized that it is only 3 months until fall.

Three short months until September. I know that summer hasn't even started for us out here but the reality is that in 3 short months the leaves will start to turn color again and fall will be upon us (don't shoot me for this reminder!).

Maybe I was right about the season...but just got the year wrong.

awkward conversation

This week I started my new job. Within the first half an hour, of the first day, I was meeting with my supervisor and explaining our adoption plans. It was an awkward conversation to have.

My immediate supervisor was not a part of the interview. I was interviewed by two other individuals who I also report too. At the end of the interview I disclosed our adoption plans -- one of the two already knew, so I thought it was important to just lay it all on the table and be transparent about my situation. When I was offered the job, I again mentioned that we were in the process of adopting a child and was told that this fact couldn't be factored into their decision on who to hire. Prior to applying for the job I did some research about the option of taking a parental leave shortly after being hired. I thought I was in a position to be able to negotiate taking a leave of absence.

After accepting the position I did some additional research. It turns out that the information I was given was incorrect. Labor laws state that one must be in continuous employment with the same employer for at least 7 months to take parental leave and be guaranteed a job at the end. Well that doesn't sit well with me since I sincerely hope that I won't be waiting another 7 months before becoming a mom and I really don't want to have to give up this permanent position.

Apparently I can still try to negotiate being granted parental leave earlier than the 7 months, but this means you need to be working in an environment where the human resources department has half a heart. I do not work in such a place. In fact, the HR department of my employer is known to be unlike any other.....and not in a good way.

By having that awkward conversation on my first day of work, my hope was to get my supervisor on my side. He was very supportive of the adoption. He acknowledged the difficulties many have with HR. And he did say that he would look into it and see what he could do for me. I'm really doubtful that things will work out in my favor...but I guess you never know.

But this whole situation plays with my mind. I've found myself hoping that we don't hear from our agency for awhile so that I can clock in more time at this job. But thinking that way doesn't sit well with the part of me that really wants a child. I know that we have options with this parental leave. D could take the first part of it and then I take the later part, after putting in the 7 months. That certainly isn't ideal for many reasons. I feel like I have given up so much already in our journey to have a family and this is just one more kick in the ass. It sure sucks to continually face more unknowns.

Just one more mountain to climb in the ongoing expedition that has become my life.