trying to believe in the impossible

Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said. "One can't believe impossible things."

"I dare say you haven't had as much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age I did it for half an hour a day. Why sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

-- Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass

I'm working on it...

sweet comfort food

I love sweet things.

Ice cream with its creamy taste and texture. Best with crunchy chunks of chocolate or nuts…or both.

Chocolate that melts in your mouth. Paired with hazelnut or mint. And none of that waxy cheap chocolate but the kind that leaves you satisfied knowing you have had the very best.

Schmoo torte with delicate cakey layers, fluffy real whipped cream, and sweet caramel sauce drizzled over every square inch.

Chewy chocolate chip cookies right from the oven. Warm and buttery, oozing with melted chocolate.

All these foods provide comfort. An instant feeling of warmth and goodness that seeps through your body. Feelings associated with memories of good friends and special events.

Lately I have indulged in some of these sweet comfort foods. I normally try to stay away from processed sugar but I’ve been feeling entitled to indulge. After a recent dinner out with a friend, she asked if I wanted to go for gelati. It took me about 2 seconds to make up my mind. YES! I told her about a fabulous gelati establishment just down the road and off we went. I so carefully picked my flavor considering this was not a treat I allowed myself very often. After a great deal of difficulty and numerous samples, I settled on mint chocolate. As soon as the first spoonful of gelati hit my mouth my taste buds started to buzz. Yum! It really is amazing how good food heightens the senses when you allow yourself to truly savor and enjoy each bite.

But alas, this feeling of instant gratification quickly dissipates. Each spoonful brings me closer to an empty container. And then the sadness returns. The comfort and “take all the hurt away” kind of feeling offered by good food is only temporary. It does nothing to satisfy the soul and heal the wounds. If only a band-aid and kiss would still work. Then I could run off and play again.

Instead I will continue to search for the answers to the questions contained in my very confused heart. And this process just might need to include another trip or two to the gelati shop…

what i know best

I'm back to what I know best.

Waiting.

I hate the waiting.

I try to convince myself that it doesn't matter. That the unknown doesn't wear me down day after day.

The two days we spent with A, her mom, and the unborn baby were so amazing that it all felt like a dream. Was it? On June 30th we woke up. It almost feels like that whole experience never happened. Although I do have pictures and foot prints of a baby to prove we really were there. But everything feels very hazy. My memory of those 4 days will never fade but my feelings about what happened and if it will every happen again are all fuzzy and muddled.

Will someone ever choose us again? Or was this whole family thing just a pipe dream right from the beginning? A dream that for us will never become a reality.

I'm having trouble articulating my thoughts and feelings on adoption, waiting, our future, etc. I feel very little hope. I don't think I really believe that a baby will be in our future -- especially now after what happened with A's baby. Yes, the paperwork says it could be. Yes, there are people working with our profile. But now when I walk by the baby room I don't think about what will be in the future, I think about what will never be.

Until you walk this road it's a hard one to explain and understand. I thank God that there are people in my life who really get it. Women who have been here in this same place, who know how to be supportive, who I can lean on. You know who you are. Thank you.

Maybe the waiting will be easier if I continue to live with little hope. This sounds so over dramatic and pathetic but moving forward with little hope protects my heart. Perhaps then I can move on and just live life not always wondering if I will be a mom by Thanksgiving, by Christmas, by next year, etc. I will try to have no expectations of parenthood in the future so that I'm not disappointed time and time again when that reality does not come to pass.

In the end, regardless of how I look at it, I will continue to live and breathe adoption daily.

The waiting sucks.

my healing couches

Shortly after arriving home from our heartbreaking time away D and I started our daily movie date. D had a couple of movies available on his computer and one night he asked me if I wanted to watch as well. Since I needed a distraction I agreed, but asked that we watch upstairs in bed because the laptop screen was so small. He insisted I come downstairs. I sighed loudly (this is quite common these days!) and slowly trudged down the stairs. As I got closer to the main floor I planned my attack, I was not happy about coming downstairs and was still hoping to change his mind.

I turned the corner into the living room, opened my mouth…

And a giggle escaped.

I found our couches were moved so that they were side by side in front of the computer that was hooked up to our stereo. How fun! I grabbed a cozy blanket and snuggled into my designated couch. And so began our daily movie tradition. (One day we actually watched 3 movies!).

I explained this silly event to a friend and she labeled this experience as my healing couches. She nailed it. Those couches, sitting side by side quite awkwardly in the middle of my living room, became a safe place for me to let go of my depressing thoughts and feelings. There, it was okay to smile, laugh, or just not think about our current loss. It was also okay to cry and be sad or pissed off and angry.

That same day as I was enjoying dinner out with a friend, D received an unexpected visitor. I came home deep in thought about my healing couches and how what started out as a convenient way to watch movies on the computer became so important to me and played a role in my grieving process.

I greeted the unexpected guest as they were outside on our backyard deck. I walked into the house, turned the corner to my living room, stopped cold and a “NOOOOOOO” escaped my lips. D had moved our couches back to their original spot because of his visitor. I plunked myself down on the couch so far across the room from its mate, now not nearly as cozy and inviting as before. I wasn’t ready to be rid of the healing couches. I still needed to sit in that cocoon type of space as I still had so much to work through.

Earlier this week after deciding to watch a movie we had a discussion on how to best watch on the computer. I insisted that the couches in their side by side position really was the best way to watch movies on the small screen, plus it allowed us to use stereo sound. D reluctantly agreed. I used the power of logic which works on D every time! But I had an ulterior motive, I just really wanted my healing couches back.

We moved the couches back to the side by side position. I climbed onto my couch, grabbed a blanket, and breathed a sigh of relief. Now I can relax. Enjoy the movie. And continue to work on healing from our loss.

ETA: I just finished watching "Can't Buy Me Love". It was as good as I remember!! It totally brought me back to High School and you gotta love the 80's fashion and music! And I had no idea that McDreamy played Ronald Miller!

home study update blahs

Yesterday we met with our social worker to update our home study. Blah. Our current home study expires in the beginning of August. I was so dreading this day and really thought we had escaped the update blahs when A picked us to adopt her child in June.

The update was really painless. (Except for the bill we’ll receive in the mail from our agency). The hardest part of the update is how the whole process made me feel. I felt like we were starting right from the beginning with everything. Because we had such high expectations that the adoption would happen quite quickly, never did we imagine doing an update. So I wasn’t especially excited to see our social worker under these circumstances…we thought we would be arranging a post placement visit with her this month instead.

I know in my head that we haven’t really restarted the whole process. Our American agency will proceed as usual with sending us information on potential matches. In 7 months we received information on 6 potential matches. I feel like we’ll now have to go through 6 more and another 7 months before we’ll be chosen again. We’re wondering how many more times we’ll have to go through the stress of wondering if an expectant mom is going to pick us. And then wonder why the hell not when she doesn’t.*

*I am very aware that this process isn’t just about me and my wants and desires. D and I have the utmost respect for each expectant mom profile that crosses our path and we really only want what is best for her. But right now I am in a frame of mind where this is about me and how I am working through this loss.

lost opportunity

We all have lost opportunities. Times when we wish we could go back in time to change our path or grab hold of opportunities that presented themselves. There is a lost opportunity in my life that is very dear to my heart. I have lost the opportunity to breastfeed as an adoptive mom.

Let me explain.

Firstly, this is a very controversial topic in the adoption world. I am not looking to start a discussion on the shoulds or should nots of this topic, I only want to share my story.

The body is an amazing creation and it can do some pretty crazy things. You can induce lactation in women who have never breastfed or even been pregnant. This requires the use of medication and a very good electric pump. It also requires a ton of determination and dedication.

If you are interested, the protocol to induce lactation can be found here.

After a great deal of thought and discussion with D and others, I decided to try to induce lactation. The minimum time frame the body needs on the meds is 30 days, but the longer you stay on the meds the better chance you have of building a milk supply. Since we didn’t know how long our wait would be and that it could have happened really quickly I started the medication protocol early October 2008. The medication consists of continuous birth control and domperidone (which is approved for use in Canada).

Having the option to breastfeed was exciting to me. I am definitely pro-breastfeeding and have received quite a bit of education and training on breastfeeding since I work in child and maternal health. This was very important to me.

When we were chosen by A to adopt her child I began the process of trying to build a milk supply for when baby arrived 12 days later. This meant that I stopped the birth control, continued on the domperidone, included two different herbs daily, and started pumping. I had a date with the breast pump every 3 hours. And I mean EVERY 3 hours, straight through the night. This was exhausting! Baby wasn’t even born yet and I was getting used to organizing my day in 3 hour blocks and getting up multiple times in the night. I even had to arrange space at work during that last week so I could pump.

By the time baby was scheduled to arrive I had built up a nice little milk supply. It really was quite amazing. I talked with A about my hopes and intentions. I was so concerned that she would think the whole thing was totally wacked out and wouldn’t approve. But she was awesome. After asking her if she was okay with me attempting to breastfeed her child, her exact words were, “go for it girl!” She was even going to let the nurses know at the hospital so that I could try nursing right after he was born. Once again, everything was so great. We were all thinking so carefully and intentionally about each other and this baby.

But we all know that the end to this story is not a happy one. As our dream to adopt A’s baby boy died so did my hope and dream to breastfeed.

Once we found out that baby was so sick and our adoption wouldn’t proceed, I began the process of cutting the milk supply that I had so lovingly built. A devastating reminder that we wouldn’t be bringing home this baby.

Now for me to again pursue my desire to breastfeed would mean that I would have to restart the whole protocol from the beginning as we wait again for someone to choose us.

It was so much work to pump, and as I bonded with the pump at 2:00 in the morning I had many thoughts of how much easier formula would be. Yet I was so dedicated and determined to make this work. I was also so emotionally invested in the idea of breastfeeding this baby that I persevered and bonded repeatedly with that pump. Someone commented to me that I was already loving this baby by being so dedicated to inducing lactation and the work it required. She was right.

I don’t know how I can begin that attachment process again a second time before we even meet baby. We already know that our hearts will be more guarded the second time around in general and to throw breastfeeding into the mix will just be too much for me to handle. Now that I know how hard the whole process really is I don’t think I can start it all over again.

I am quite saddened by this. Actually, pissed off more accurately describes my feelings! The opportunity that I had created for myself to breastfeed as an adoptive mom is lost. Just one more thing that I have to grieve and work through.

a hard week

It's been a hard week.

Going back to work has been difficult for a variety of reasons. So far I've teared up at least once every day while at work. One of my jobs involves pregnant women and babies -- usually I can distance myself enough while at work to protect my heart...this week I couldn't. My other job was one that I had no intention to return to after we adopted the baby. Today I returned. My heart just dropped as I walked through the door.

Today, while back at a job I have left emotionally, I received an email about a conference in November. For a moment my head and heart filled with dread. I was overcome with this feeling that I will still be working 2 jobs and childless for many more weeks and months. I don't know how I am going to do this.

This has also been a hard week for others that I deeply care about. Laura, who is a year into waiting for a referral to adopt a child from Ethiopia, found out this week that their adoption agency just declared bankruptcy. And my good friend H, continues to wait for one last piece of paperwork, that has been delayed unexpectedly and indefinitely, before she can go get her daughter from Ethiopia.

Adoption is hard. There are many of us asking the same questions day in and day out....why and when...

And I still have one more day left in this week. Oh how I pray that the weekend comes swiftly.