reflecting on my road from infertility to adoption

I've recently been in contact with a woman who has walked the road of infertility and is now gathering information related to adoption. It's been interesting chatting/emailing with her. I can hear the desperation and anguish in her words. How her plan to start a family has become a very dark place.

This made me reflect on my own journey from infertility into the adoption world. I have a different story.

I was very familiar with adoptive families and had walked friends through the process from beginning to end. Due to our exposure of infertility and adoption we never took the idea of starting a family forgranted. And were very aware that our story may also end up on the same path.

We had decided that if biological children weren't in our future then we would direct our energy into adoption. This wasn't a very difficult decision for us. The more difficult piece was deciding if we were ready to become a transracial family.

So after the referral to the fertility clinic, all the tests, the news that the cause of our infertility was "unknown", and that after the last procedure we had a six month window to most likely get pregnant, I was frustrated. I didn't want to "try" for another six months. I didn't want to have to make decisions based on an "unknown" diagnosis. I would have rather heard that there was absolutely no way we would ever, ever become pregnant, and then I would have marched right into the office of the closest adoption agency. I was ready to move on. To be in control again.

In the end, we did follow the doctor's advice and after five months started the adoption process. I felt free. Free to be rid of the past, the testing, the counting, the temperature taking. Free to look forward and plan for the future. I was still desperate to have a child but not in an anguished sort of way.

I feel blessed to have known so many people who formed their families through adoption and to have participated in a few of those journey's. The day we decided to 100% pursue adoption was a good day, and I am thankful for that.

i've got your back

In my professional life I've come across many women who for either religious, cultural, personal, or reasons otherwise, have concealed their pregnancies. Sometimes for a long time.

I was only able to make it to 16 weeks before I needed to make the news public. I would have gone longer if I could have.

For me, concealing my pregnancy was a form of self-preservation. When telling those closest to me, I was able to explain where my head was at, how I was shocked beyond belief, and in a place of sadness. These friends listened, didn't offer platitudes. That was what I needed. To tell everyone meant opening myself up to comments and questions that I wasn't ready to receive.

Due to my tilted uterus I started showing very quickly -- far too quick for my liking. And once the news was public, I had no control over what was said by others and how it was said. This was still so early in my time of processing -- I was barely coming out of denial and the reaction of others to my pregnancy really impacted me.

As a result, I have walked into situations and immediately become overwhelmed with over-the-top excitement about this pregnancy. And when I react in a less than positive way people don't know what to do. When they heard the news, they didn't also hear the rest of our story.

I have a friend who is repeatedly approached by others with "the big question." She has told me that she's "got my back." When she discloses that, yes, I am indeed pregnant and hears the responses I have heard many times over, she tempers their excitement. She will explain to others how "oh, she just needed to adopt to get pregnant" and "now she'll have one of her own" are perhaps not the best things to say to me.

I am so thankful for this person in my life. A woman who has not walked the road of infertility, adoption, or an unplanned pregnancy, but who has tried to understand and empathize with each part of my story. She has done well.

I can't even explain the comfort felt after hearing the words...."I've got your back...."

So, thank you my dear friend. Thank you for listening and hearing. And for understanding and sharing.

the infertility awareness project

A friend going through infertility recently sent me this excellent video Tears and Hope: the infertility awareness project. 

Please watch and remember.

is it a gender thing?

I'm a part of a wonderful group of women that meet monthly to discuss books. But we're not like your average book club. All the women in this club are transracial adoptive moms and the books we read/discuss are all related to transracial adoption.

Our group is called ROOTS meaning belonging; the core; and to grow...which describes us as transracial adoptive parents and our kids as transracial adoptees.

We've just started reading through an excellent book called In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Own Stories. This book is a collection of interviews completed with transracial adoptees now in their 20's. A book I would definitely recommend.

We started at the beginning and read through 4 interviews with female adoptees and had lots to discuss regarding their stories. The next month we read through 4 male interviews and found that there was little to say. The stories shared by the women were in-depth and included a lot of emotional issues as well as difficulties finding their way in the black world after having lived in a white home. Whereas the men were more straight forward, stated things just as they were, and seemed to have little need to make adoption or the transracial piece of adoption into a big deal.

This made our group wonder...is it a gender thing?

I don't want to make sweeping statements. Especially considering that I've read books written by other male transracial adoptees which included a lot of emotion, introspection, and difficulty.

It's just an interesting observation and worth pondering as a mom who has adopted transracially.

all you needed was...

To relax.

To adopt.

To be happy.

To wait for the right timing.

Then...and only then...

Would you become pregnant.

And have one of your OWN.

Do people really believe this stuff? From the related comments I get, I would think so.

I've become one of the few. One of the ~ 3% of women who are infertile, who then form a family through adoption, and then get pregnant. A statistic.

Everyone has a similar story. Everyone apparently knows someone who has adopted and then become pregnant. At least that is what it feels like to me because I hear all those stories.

Here's the newsflash -- what you don't hear are all the stories of women who adopt a child and do not become pregnant. There are many of them.

What people don't realize, is that by telling me that all I needed to do to get pregnant was to adopt a child, they have completely invalidated my experience with infertility and the adoption journey...as well as the beautiful child in my life. It is the pregnancy that is celebrated above all else. The "normal" and "regular" way to have a family. It's almost like people are inferring why did I bother forming a family through adoption if I was going to get pregnant years later anyway? I guess my 8 year ago self didn't have that sort of insight.

It is also difficult for people to understand that after walking the road of infertility and adoption, not everyone needs that pregnancy experience to feel complete. I had resolved that desire years and years ago.

And nothing hurts more then people telling me that now I'll have one of my own. 

T is my own. Plain and simple.

So if you know me, and you know other women struggling with infertility or in the adoption process, please don't use me as a statistic. My story is still my own to shape and mold and the other women don't really want to hear it.

open adoption interview project 2011

I participated in the Open Adoption Interview Project in 2010 and signed up once again this year.  It's such a great way to get to know a new blog...and hopefully a bit about the person behind the blog! Our stories are all unique but there is a thread of similarity that binds us all together. To check out the other interviews, click here.

This year I was paired with Kelly From Empty Womb to Overflowing Heart.... She recently started blogging this year so I was fortunate enough to be able to read through her story from beginning to now. What becomes immediately apparent while poking around Kelly's blog is her intense love for her daughter, faith, and life. After years of infertility, a devastating failed first placement, and a trial with infertility treatments, Kelly and her husband finally met their beautiful daughter in August 2010. Kelly blogs about her life as a mom and their fully open adoption with Lovebug's birthfamily. Go check out her blog and say "hi!". 

You can read Kelly's interview with me here.

Here is my interview with Kelly:

1. You mention in a post (can't find it now!) that you weren't sure yet how to refer to Lovebug's biological family. I'm wondering where you stand on that now. What words have you decided to use? Are they different from what you use with Lovebug?

That was a real struggle for me. I just felt like, of all the options out there, none of them captured C's importance in Lovebugs life. So, after writing that post I emailed Lovebugs birthmom to get her input on it. I just asked her point blank "what would you like to be called? Birthmom? First mom? MamaC? Other mom? Her response was that she thought just being called her first name was great and that birthmom worked for her. After we talked about it, and I knew that *she* felt comfortable with being called ny her name and referred to as birthmom I felt much more at ease with that choice. After all, because we're in an open adoption Lovebug wont learn C's importance in her life from her name or title, but rather the relationship they have.

2. Reading through your blog it is apparent that you bonded with Lovebug quite quickly. Was there any part of becoming a mom through adoption that you struggled/are struggling with?

In the beginning I really struggled with feeling grief for C. I grieved a tiny bit (or a lot)  at every new milestone wishing that she could have shared that moment with us. Over time, that feeling of grief has lessened though I'm not sure it will every been completely gone.

The one part of becoming a mom through adoption that has been an ongoing struggle is frequently having my motherhood challenged and questioned by outsiders. Sometimes it's as simple as a well meaning person at the grocery store asking "what happened to her real mom?" or other more blatant comments that just let you know that outsiders don't really get it and probably never will. Sometimes it's hard to know that in some eyes I will never just be Lovebugs mom.

3. You've briefly mentioned Lovebug's heritage as half Filipino. I'm wondering how you do and will work at your status as a transracial family? And how do you experience life as an adoptive transracial family living in the US?

It's really important to us that Lovebug celebrate her Filipino heritage, as well as the rest of her heritage,  because it's a large part of who she is and she can physically identify with it. As she's getting older I'm learning more and more about the Philippines, a country I started out knowing very little about. We plan to integrate it into school projects, holidays and special occasions.

Our experience have been mostly great so far. I mean, there are definitely those nosy people as mentioned before that make things weird, but even with that I can say that we have never experienced negative comments about our transracial adoption. One of the more annoying comments is "where did you get her?" Sometimes I want to say "Walmart. Haven't you seen the new baby section?" It's just irritating because people assume because she not white that she must be from another country. Nope! Believe it or not, there are Filipino Americans here in the US!

4. In the Rachel post you describe infertility as in the past however, in the post Why Hello Old Friend and See Ya Later, difficult feelings associated with infertility rear their ugly head. Do you feel that your story of infertility will always be a part of you and how? Do you think that issues still related to infertility will continue to pop up throughout life?  Do you find it uncomfortable to acknowledge the difficult feelings related to infertility? If yes, how have you dealt with this in the past and will in the future? If no, how have you figured it out!!

Well, infertility forever changed me. So in some ways, yes, it will always be a part of me. But, I don't think it will forever rear it's ugly head and it's certainly not a prominent part of me anymore. Right now were still in the thick of building our family so naturally it comes up. But, I don't view my IF the same way as I used to. In the first post I was writing about Rachel and her undying desire to be a mom. When I look back at that side of me, it's gone because at last I am a mom!  That infertile Kelly felt as if infertility was holding her children hostage. I didn't know if I would ever be a mom. But, she's gone. That infertile Kelly groans no more because I somehow got picked to be the mom of the most amazing little girl on the planet! The second post was more a whine fest about the injustices of infertility. I know we'll have more kids and I will love them more than life itself and will go to the ends of the earth to get them, but sometimes this infertile Kelly wishes it was just as easy as "hey, wanna have another baby? Wam, bam, heres a baby ma'am!" The other side of infertility that sticks out in my mind is the feeling that my body betrayed me and sometimes feeling less of a women because my body didn't do what it's essentially made to do.  I don't know when those feelings go away.

I don't find it hard to acknowledge my difficult feelings on infertility. Infertility is hard and painful and just plain sucks. And like I just said, it touches more levels than just the obvious not being able to conceive. What I find difficult is articulating my feelings at times because sometimes they're too complex to put in words.

5. I love your story of open adoption. Where do you get support and learn how to continue on in this relationship with Lovebug's first family?

I have found an amazing community of other parents in open adoptions. I cannot tell you how invaluable they have been to me. Some are people I know IRL and some are people I have only met online. ALL of them are amazing parents and have become such great friends and support systems! Also, our agency Bethany Christian Services is amazing at creating a community within their families by creating community pages, having play groups and annual events. They've really just been awesome!

6. After completing Lovebug's adoption, how will you approach your second adoption? Any changes? Any new insights or cautions?

I'm hoping the process will be more relaxed this time, honestly. Last time we were so nervous and anxious  to the point where we couldn't enjoy some aspect of it and I'm hoping that wont be the case again. I don't know that there will be any changes. Just more maturity in the process and more insight into both sides of the coin. I'm praying that insight will be helpful to us if we experience another failed adoption. Less pain and more understanding for the situation.

7. How have you managed to acknowledge the loss side of adoption while still living in the joy?

It's a hard balance at times and was especially hard when Lovebug was first born. But, I've come to realize that acknowledging the loss side of adoption doesn't take away from the joy of adoption. In any adoption there is a loss before the joy. C experienced/experiences a great loss that has been hard at times to deal with. But, we do our best to be in prayer for her and be here for her if and when she needs us. Being understanding that at times things are more difficult for her than other times. Philippians 2:3 says "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself"  and Matthew 7:12 says "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets". These are our "Open Adoption verses". To acknowledge that we're all on equal plane, none batter than the other, all loved by God and to treat each other as we wish to be treated. There are times where there's great loss and great joy, but if we keep the other person in mind and treat them as we wish to be treated in all circumstances we feel we can be a great support to each other.

Lovebug has also experienced loss and although we have not yet dealt with her loss when the time comes we will help her through it by being open and understanding about her feelings. I don't ever want her to feel like she can't express the way she's feeling. Whether those feelings are joyful or sorrowful. We want her to know it's ok to feel the loss of her birthfamily. We're a family and we'll be here for her no matter what!

I think by excepting that there is loss head on and not being ashamed of it or scared of it you just make way for the joy to come in!

8. How have been accepted with other mom's that joined the mommy club the biological way?

For the most part it's been awesome! I really have great friends and family. Sometimes I think I'm my worst enemy in this regard, assuming that other moms will judge me and then they don't. I have only had a few situations where I felt as if the other mom was looking down on the way I became a mom... again with the *real* mom comments. But, those encounters have been few and far between in the playgroup/mom world for me!

paradigm shift

The day had come. I could no longer fit into my pants and the hair elastic I was using to keep them from falling down just wasn't cutting it.

It was time to go shopping for maternity clothes.

So one Saturday afternoon I pulled myself together and went to the mall. First I grabbed a Boo.ster Juice, then went in to Chap.ter's to check the sale rack, headed to a few kids clothing stores to check out the new stock, and perused the shoe stores. I was stalling.

I finally dragged myself to the prominent maternity store in the mall and started looking. I was immediately approached my a sales clerk who ended up being a huge help. I think I must have tried on at least 12 pairs of jeans that day. I purchased a few sweaters and a really nice pair of jeans and left. All the while with an odd unexplainable feeling in my gut.

It was later as I replayed that day over in my mind that I realized part of why it was difficult for me to even walk into the store. This was a paradigm shift for me. An identity crises of sorts.

So many years ago I would have loved the opportunity to shop for maternity clothes. So many years ago I longed for that experience as then I would have what I most desired...a child. But I am not the same person I was all those years ago. Much has happened since then.

While going through infertility and the adoption process, the maternity stores and most everything else pregnancy/baby related became something very negative. Something to remind me (mock me) of what I didn't know if I would ever have. It wasn't the pregnancy piece that I so desired, it was a baby. And since pregnancy was the conduit to a baby, all things pregnancy related became bad news. This was my reality and my life. I was not going to get pregnant which was totally fine with me, what was not fine, was not having a family.

The day that I walked into the maternity store was the day I realized that I was now a part of a club that I had struggled with for so many years. A club all about "the labour story", the relatively "easy" way to have a family...and the more accepted, "real" way to bring a child into your home. I had reconciled in myself so many years ago that I would never be a part of that club. And as the adoption proceeded, and now that T is home, it's a club that I didn't need or want any longer. My family came together in an unconventional way and we continue to live an unconventional life as a transracial family. This is who I was and who I understood. I don't understand pregnancy and the "regular" way to have a child.

As a pregnant woman, I am now that woman. The one I would avoid. The one I envied. 

A few months ago I had a conversation with a woman going through infertility and she asked me how I dealt with everyone around me being pregnant. I chatted honestly with her about my story. Inside my heart hurt. I knew that sooner rather than later I would need to disclose to her that I had become that woman to deal with. I felt like a traitor.

I know that the difference between myself and the regular pregnant woman, is that I own the story of infertility and adoption. Becoming pregnant does not erase that experience. I'm just struggling with how to understand and fit into my new reality.