celebrity status

T is a celebrity.

Well. He is a celebrity of sorts in our neighbourhood.

As mentioned previously, last spring/summer/fall, T and his daddy spent almost every late afternoon/early evening at our neighbourhood park.

And then. People who were strangers to me would call to T from across the street while walking by our house. I would finally figure out that these were park parents and kids. That made sense to me.

On T's first day of preschool, located in our neighbourhood, he was greeted by a parent I have never seen or heard of. He was greeted. Not me. When I gave her a questioning look, she explained something about knowing so-and-so who played at the park this summer.

That was when I started to realize that our family has a bit of a celebrity status in our small community. We live in a predominantly white neighbourhood. Our city is diverse but our local area isn't. T has multiple friends of color and we have sought out other environments that are diverse, but here, in our neighbourhood, he is noticed.

The way people notice him and us isn't in a negative way. People are all very kind and polite. It helps that T is quite the looker and has a fun out-going personality when around other kids. But it kind of bugs me. It's the idea that people think they know him and us because the way our family looks stands out. 

T is too young to figure out his stardom. I'm imagining some interesting conversations in our future about this. And I wonder what this summer at the park will be like as T's baby sister toddles after him. Because we are now one of "those" families, who has a bio kid after an adoption, which makes us stand out even more.

I'm just glad T is an easy-going kid and doesn't let too much get to him. Right now, he'll just bask in the pure joy of having a bunch of kids happy to see him and go play.

back to the beginning...

Clearly I suck at keeping promises.

Anyway.

Baby S is now 11 months. Hard to believe that so much time has passed already. She has changed so much over the past year and so has our family life.

But here is some of the nitty gritty...

Shortly after her arrival what I found most difficult is the way a parent with a new baby "chooses sides" so to speak with multiple kids. I had watched many a friend deal with their first born child in frustration, anger, tears, etc. once the second babe arrived. All a normal reaction considering the extreme lack of sleep and helpless nature of the baby versus toddler.

When we were an only child family, I remember being witness to events such as the above and thanking the Lord that we wouldn't have to walk those steps. T's entry into our lives was so significant on so many levels and I had fallen into such a deep love for him that I didn't want to experience the extra frustration and anxiety directed at him due to a new baby in the house. There were plenty of reasons just due to his toddlerhood to be frustrated with him and a baby would only add another layer.

When baby S arrived, T was 2 1/2 years old and ripe with 3 year old behaviour. All in all, he adjusted to her presence fairly well, it was his just being almost 3 that was the difficulty. Over spring, summer, and fall we experienced daily tantrums and all the other typical what-alien-invaded-you behaviour that the age of 3 brings. It was not a pretty sight.

I battled with my emotions while being in a sleep deprived state, never sure what to do with him, and usually reacting on the fly which meant mostly anger directed at T. I was frustrated with this helpless baby and how her arrival caused me to be so emotionally charged with my first child. My anger had to come out somehow and I had enough wits about me to not direct it at S, so T became the logical answer. Plus, what was causing me frustration was him just being him. I felt guilty because T was the one that I knew and had loved for over 2 years yet he was the one experiencing my poor parenting. I felt that without a new baby I would have been able to develop more sound strategies to deal with his charged behaviour and help him through it. But I did none of that. Instead I ranted and raved while he did the same. We were a mess.

I had become an angry person. And I hurt because I was angry at this little boy who held such a strong hold on my heart.

I'm thankful for the fact that the weather was nice and I have a great hubby who took our son outside to the park daily while I stayed inside breastfeeding....and breastfeeding. I was also able to retain childcare for T two days a week for the first 5 months which was a huge lifesaver. And I am here to say, 11 months later, that life with two kids does get better. 

But that was hard.

I find that most moms don't talk about these sort of difficulties. I witnessed them as an outsider, so I know they exist, but no one really articulates the experience. People do talk about how hard it is with two kids but then usually quickly turn to rainbows and butterflies about giving the first a sibling.

I honestly get why some people choose to have an only child. For me this was part of the choice. It is hard to look at the child you have longed years to hold, only to and yell and shout at him as he demonstrates over and over why the age of 3 sucks.

Someday. When he is old enough to fully understand, I will apologize to him for this year. (I do tell him sorry when over-reacting etc. but what I mean here is a deeper understanding of sorry). I will look into those stunning brown eyes and apologize for how I wasn't able to keep it together and use this experience as a life lesson for both of us.

blogging about blogging

Sigh.

This motherhood thing is hard. It's especially become harder after the addition of baby S. 

I want to be a good blogger. Really. But where is the time?

I love this comment...

Anonymous said...
don't stop. Please? We want to hear how T is doing as a big brother, how baby S is doing...how y'all are adjusting to a family of four...the beautiful, the messy, the ugly, the sacred. Please, let us know?

I do want to share. I have many posts running through my head but to get them out is another story! My brain has been abducted by two wee ones...

I know blog posts about blogging are so wrong but even just posting about posting will hopefully inspire me to get back into it. I know there are readers out there. Many readers who do not comment....and some who do.

So here I go.

A promise.

To rewind and blog about life after baby S arrived and all the chaos that ensued.

her name

I've frequently posted about naming a child since this is a much thought about process in adoption land. This is not to say that bio parents don't think intentionally about naming a child. But those of us who adopt a child need to think differently about naming...considering many of us never get to actually use a name.

Before we met baby T we had a girls name picked out. And for the life of me I can't remember how we picked that name. D and I still loved this girls name, so baby S it was. Now for the middle name.

When we thought about naming baby T we were quite intentional when thinking about options. So I also wanted to be intentional about naming this baby girl. This was an interesting thing for me to ponder considering I was in such a crazy state of mind at the time. But yet I was aware enough to know that this was important.

Baby S means...guardian or protected by God. Again, can't remember how we picked this name but I think it's interesting considering that over the course of my pregnancy I do believe she was guarded by God.

I thought really hard about her middle name. Not only did it need to go nicely with the first, it also needed to mean something special. I googled and searched for unigue names where the meaning was along the lines of being filled with joy. Even though I was struggling with this pregnancy and the thought of having another child, I knew this baby would bring us intense joy in the future. I knew this in my head but not yet in my heart. For that to occur I needed to meet her.

No unique names stood out for me, so plain old Joy it was. And the more I thought about it, the more I fell in love with this simple name and its deep meaning. D still wasn't convinced and after her birth we continued to argue discuss this name. In the end I won out as I pulled the "I just pushed a watermelon out of a pinhole" card!

And I love it. Her full name means protected by God and a deep feeling of great delight.

let's educate our kids on adoption

Please read this article.
 Parents, Please Educate Your Kids About Adoption So Mine Don't Have To. 

365 days

This was the week. One year ago I found out I was pregnant.

The year has been filled with many emotions. Actually I've likely felt all emotions possible. It's been interesting pondering the past year while looking at the beautiful little lady who entered my life four months ago.

I will not deny what the past has meant and how it has played a role in my present state of mind. I will never sugar coat what I felt one year ago and the process I went through. That was real.

However. Life has clearly moved on and baby S has arrived. I'm now knee deep in diapers, breastfeeding, and spit-up. Not to mention the daily discipline my almost three year old requires. Most days I'm just managing to survive and little time is spent pondering the past or even the future. These days we're mostly living in the present.

So 365 days later, there are a few things I know for sure. Baby S has captured my heart and soul...the road to get here was not easy...but it has refined and deepened my character and that should serve me well.

stork #2

In fall 2009, the stork made a much needed appearance.

Stork #2 just arrived with a bundle wrapped in pink on April 5th, 2012.

Baby S is now safe and sound at home and all are adjusting to life as a family of four.

no fool

Thought an April fool's baby would have been a great way to book end this pregnancy....considering I was pretty fooled by this whole thing! I would have had a great laugh with that story.

But baby still hasn't decided to make her entrance.

One week to go.

ready?

It is officially 2 weeks until my due date and everyone wants to know if I'm ready.

I guess it depends on what one means by "ready." The baby room isn't ready. I don't have a hospital bag packed. No diapers. But we finally got an infant car seat 2 weeks ago. 

The answer is yes and no.

I do not want to be pregnant any longer...well...I didn't want to be pregnant 8 months ago either!

But I am not ready for a newborn to exist in my household once again. Sort of freaking out over that one. Especially since this time around I'm dealing with a super duper active 2 year old at the same time.

I have very vivid memories of life with a new baby. Since I thought that baby T would be my only newborn experience I worked extra hard to be present in every moment. So now to think about re-living some of that does not excite me. I believe that you can't ever be fully prepared for life with a baby, but I'm feeling like my prepared-ness pendulum has swung to the other extreme. Still sort of living in denial about this whole new baby business.

So right now it works for me to not give it a lot of thought. I know a baby is coming...and rather soon. Instead of spending too much head space on this right now, I'll work it through once baby is here.

In the meantime I think I'll go get my bag packed...

an old pro...

This is a common conversation with an old acquaintance, stranger, someone who works in the same building as I do, etc.

Person: So when are you due?

Me: April

Person: Is this your first?

Me: No. I have a 2 1/2 year old boy.

Person (referring to labour and delivery): Oh. Then you'll be an old pro!

Me (thinking) ...um...not exactly!

do your baby's hair...

At the beginning of the TV season this fall a number of my fave shows highlighted adoption story lines. One of those shows is Greys Anatomy. I'm not going to get into the story line but basically two of the main characters, Derek and Meredith, adopted a baby girl from Africa. So this is a transracial adoption. It was interesting to me that throughout the whole season never once did the issue of race come up related to this adoption -- even in discussions with the social worker. Until last week.

Here's the best clip.

I love that this is the way that they started the race discussion because it's so true to real life, and an every day issue. We transracial adoptive parents think and ponder the future racial concerns our families will face, but doing the hair well is a daily occurrence.

Now it would be nice if they continued racial discussions and touched on the myriad of other things related to being in a transracial adoption.

belly pictures

I'm aware that there are certain things that many women do to acknowledge pregnancy. Especially a first pregnancy.

Some keep the pee stick. Others take belly shots monthly. Some write letters to their unborn child. And many frame ultrasound pictures.

My pee stick went in the trash. No monthly pictures happening over here. No letter writing. And ultrasound pics are somewhere deep in a drawer.

That said. I still am aware enough to know that in the future I will likely want to have certain things in my possession for this new baby. The most important pregnancy remembrance I desired were some tasteful and relaxed pictures of me and this belly.

No naked belly shots. No pictures of D with his arms around me. No hands on belly. And for sure no heart shaped fingers surrounding my belly button.

Please hear me when I say that there is nothing wrong with those pictures. They just aren't me.

I wanted pictures taken of me in a relaxed state...as if I was having coffee with a friend and the images captured my part of the story. 

And that is exactly what I got. 

I have an amazingly talented and creative friend who understood the sort of pictures I wanted and actually would have been less then thrilled had I bared my belly. She captured me. A me that happened to be 6 months pregnant.

Thank you my dear friend for beautiful images that one day will be shared with my daughter. And thank you for a lovely afternoon that was just as much about our friendship as it was about me.

to celebrate pregnancy

The idea of what it means to celebrate pregnancy is a value. All who do become pregnant will experience this in different ways.

I come into this pregnancy with certain life circumstance that many pregnant women will never experience. I have a history of infertility. Never even once considered assisted reproductive technology. A history with adoption. And I was never pregnant (until now of course)...so no miscarriages etc.

Beyond what the end result of being pregnant was, I did not feel this great need to be pregnant. I did not feel less of a woman by not experiencing this rite of passage. I had difficulty dealing with those who were pregnant around me because I wanted what they would have at the end of 9 months. I seriously just wanted to be a mom.

I have also worked with pregnant women and babies for most of my career. I have seen and chatted with more pregnant women then I could ever begin to count. And I have held babies over and over again. To see a pregnant woman and baby at this point in my life are very common place. I don't gush over the bellies or babies. They just are what they are.

Also, the lack of high fives and ooing/awing over the belly is just who I am. I have never -- even before we started trying to conceive -- wanted to touch bellies or know all the intimate details about being pregnant. I have been genuinely interested in my friends and their pregnancies but still don't need to spend gobs of time on the topic. And never would I initiate a conversation with a stranger and their belly, unless we were already engaged in conversation and I felt it was appropriate.

I also approach this pregnancy as someone who spoke with a pregnant woman two years ago about potentially parenting her child, and then watched that same woman place her baby in my arms. I think about her pregnancy experience and that perhaps it was not one to celebrate. I think about her in the grocery store with her older daughter and a swollen belly and wonder what strangers may have said to her.

And I do think there is something different about a stranger making a curious comment about a due date when appropriate versus an acquaintance or friend saying "I thought you couldn't get pregnant" or making other assumptions without truly listening to what is felt by the woman at the time.

People worry that I'm missing out on some sort of feeling or experience during this pregnancy...something that they themselves may have felt during pregnancy. Again, what a pregnancy celebration means and looks like is a value. I don't need others to put their values about pregnancy on me. I am truly not concerned about my lack of celebration. I have yet to move into full acceptance of this pregnancy and the end result. Most of the time I still can't believe that I'm pregnant in the first place, and I know enough about myself to know that belief and acceptance will only come after birth. Once there really is a baby to care for and to love on. I am not concerned or worried that bonding and attachment won't happen. I'm just not sure how it will happen, and this again is different for every woman, no matter her pregnancy experience.

If those around me want to celebrate my pregnancy, go for it. Just don't try to make me feel like I have to follow suit or feel what they felt during the same experience.

In this blog space I am being completely honest about my emotions and process. And this may make people uncomfortable. I could perhaps ignore my own feelings and appear as though pregnancy and another child is now the best possible thing to happen to me and I wouldn't want it any other way. That may make those around me more comfortable, but I do know that I would be worse off for not feeling what I feel and being honest about the process.

After my father passed away and people didn't know what to say to me, I ended up saying things to help make them feel better and take them off the hook per say. Those moments were hard for me. I was in the depths of despair but took energy away from processing this loss in my life by caring for others. I'm certainly all for being a caring person -- and those who know me well know that I am not coldhearted -- but I was struggling with life and grieving and needed support. I didn't need full understanding because I am very aware that unless one has walked the road of similar grief it's difficult to empathize, but to just listen to my hurting heart and to be okay with where I was in that moment.

And today at 7 months pregnant I am okay with where I'm at. Contrary to popular belief, I do not sit around and constantly bemoan this pregnancy. At the same time I am still very real and authentic with where I'm at in this journey. I have done as much work processing my new life path as I can do right now. The next part which includes full acceptance and moving forward with love and joy will occur after birth. And I know the rest of my processing time will not happen immediately.

In the meantime, the words I write on this blog are but a glimpse into my current life state. It is mostly the hard stuff I've been thinking about that I write here. I don't write about preparing the baby room, or buying all the cute tiny pink clothes, or watching T hear the heartbeat. All these things are a part of my life as well, I just don't "celebrate" them in the same way as another pregnant woman would.

ears to hear

A few of the comments to my post "I thought you couldn't get pregnant..." were of this nature, written by Anonymous*:

The content of the question is intrusive and can feel violating, but at its heart it would seem that it is friendly curiosity, or delighted astonishment...a chance to celebrate what to the other might seem a miracle. I think it's great to educate people to have them understand how they come across...but my hunch is that if you let them know how rude they seemed to you, they would be surprised as that would be the farthest from their intent...I wonder if it doesn't make sense to hear, "blah blah blah" and see the joy in their eyes and acknowledge the love therein.

This is not the first time others have let me know that most people aren't vindictive and mean well enough with their curious questions. I agree that many of the questions I get make sense when thinking about either our adoption or pregnancy situations.

However, that doesn't make it right or fair for people to ask the questions or make the comments.

Remember that I always have little ears with me who hear. Those ears will hear all comments and questions and will not be able to discern whether they were made in good will. It is those ears that are my first priority. It isn't just about me dealing with rude and inappropriate comments, it's about me always putting my child(ren) first.

While a comment directed towards my "miracle" pregnancy may seem benign enough to the average person, it speaks volumes to me and the little boy sitting beside me. They are comments that I will have to explain to him and then help him understand why people say the things they do. 

So. No. I can't completely acknowledge the love in the eyes of someone who makes comments related to adoption or pregnancy and see it as friendly curiosity, no matter how innocent it may be. I can't just give people the benefit of the doubt and I can't just let it go.

My role is that of mama bear. To know that my child(ren) have ears that will hear all. And then to be aware of constructive ways to deal with all comments and questions that protect my child(ren).

*Please know that I have no issue with people disagreeing with my take on things, but an anonymous comment is up for using how I desire.

the complication of bonding and attachment

In the adoption world we speak at great lengths about bonding and attachment. Most of us have at least one book on our shelves related to this topic.

When D and I became parents to baby T we were in shock. Two months after our hellish summer and knowing about T for three days we were now a mommy and daddy. It was surreal. It didn't take us long to fall in love with T, but it took me quite some time to bond and attach in that "I am your mommy" kind of way.

There are many experiences I was unable to have with T. I did not carry him for 9 months, I did not birth him, and I was not the first significant person to hold and welcome him into the world. I recognize that we have been blessed to experience parenting T since he was 2 days old...but none of those first few wee moments were ours to experience.

I will experience all these first moments with this new baby. All the parts of T's history that I wish were mine to share with him, will be mine to share with new baby. When T asks me about his womb and birth experience, I will essentially have nothing to say. When new baby asks, I will have much to share.

I sometimes wonder if some of my resistance to this pregnancy -- beyond the shock and real desire to have one child -- has to do with bonding and attachment. Perhaps my subconscious doesn't want to fully engage and experience what I was unable too with T. Perhaps fully acknowledging pregnancy and then birth will make me "less" of a mom to T. I struggled for a long time feeling that J had much more legitimate reason to claim the title of mom than I did because she did have that history with T.

I can hear your argument...of course you will never be anything but mom to T...this experience will never take any of your love, bonding, attachment, etc. away from him. This I all know and believe. However, what this blog space does for me is allow honest processing. And that is what this post is about. Being honest with myself and others about what is running through my head. To contemplate motherhood through adoption and then through birth has many layers and for me requires much intentional thought and processing.

I also acknowledge that if I am unable to experience some bonding or at least positive energy while pregnant, this baby will miss out. I choose to believe that, although faced with some tough decisions, J loved on T while he shared her womb and those first moments in the hospital when it was just the two of them. I pray and hope that someday T will be able to hear about that experience from J. If I can't share moments of love during pregnancy with new baby no one else will ever be able to fill in those shoes. This I know, but as I've said many times and will continue to say...I can't feel what I don't feel.

Lastly, I am also very aware that many women do not bond instantly with their newborn child. This can be a process and growing experience. So because of this, I am not concerned about my ambivalence towards this pregnancy and what might occur after birth in regards to bonding. I experienced ambivalence in my understanding of what it meant to become a mom in 3 days after signing a piece of paper. I worked through that time well enough to come out on the other side fully engaged and aware. I can do that again.

to name a child

I've been reflecting on this whole baby naming business. How odd it feels to me to be in complete control (minus the influence of hubby!) of this part of bringing a child home.

I've blogged before here about the intentional process we chose to name T. D and I thought long and hard about that one and how T's first mom would be impacted. So to now just pick names on our own seems rather arrogant to me. I'm not sure I really believe that naming this baby is the sole responsibility of D and I.

Each of T's three names has a story and very specific meaning behind it. How do I create a similar experience for this baby? I can't and I know that. The naming of this child is different then T...as is most everything else. But I can't help but long for a significant and meaningful story related to this new baby's name. We're trying. Trying to think of names that will elicit an emotional response in us, but that is proving to be difficult.

So interesting to me. To once again be a part of something that most parents take completely forgranted...and this time I'm on the other side.

i thought you couldn't get pregnant...

This is another statement to which I must respond. Definitely more than a handful of people have made this comment upon discovering my pregnancy.

My sense is that this is a curious inquiry. People are wondering what my fertility story is. Of course one would assume that I am infertile upon meeting my son...but now that I'm pregnant that assumption isn't as secure. So they thought they once knew how to categorize my family, but now they're not so sure.

I do know of people who have chosen to start their families through adoption and then add biological children -- this is not a large demographic but it does exist. So perhaps people now wonder if this is my story.

Regardless, my fertility story is my own to share with whom and when I want. And it shouldn't matter to anyone how my family came to be. But for some reason, those around me feel it is necessary to ask questions such as this.

And, like other comments, this sort of invalidates the adoption process in my life. Because if I could in fact get pregnant, then why did I adopt a child instead of having a bio child first. Let's just make all the comments we can that erase the intentional process of how my family started. And then let's find more comments that cause me to explain my bodily functions and justify why my family began with adoption. For pete's sake. It. Does. Not. Matter.

Anyway, I still need to respond to these interesting inquiries. Would love to say something witty and perhaps sarcastic with a touch of humor....but alas, that is not a gift of mine. If you have any thoughts as to a response please message me, I could use some help!

a swollen heart

I have had many opportunities during this holiday season to sit back and observe my son.

I have watched him be silly, laugh, give hugs and kisses, be sweet, share, build, and deconstruct. It has been a good holiday season for our little family.

As my heart was swelling with the intense love I have for this child, I was very struck by the fact that I am so privileged and honoured to be able to parent this remarkable little boy. God weaved our lives and J's together, and the result was that we became T's forever family. But as much as I can't imagine my life without T, I'm aware that life could have turned out differently for all of us. 

All the choices we had to make when starting the adoption process --- to adopt in the first place, which agency, location, age, etc. all played a role in God's weaving process. And of course, all the huge decisions J had to make regarding her son and the future. 

The idea that a stranger has entrusted their child to you is a mind blowing thing. Something that you never take lightly and will always be a part of you.

My heart is so full of love for this little boy. A love that is hard to articulate to others who haven't walked a similar journey. It is a love that transcends biology and genetics, a love that always recognizes the honour, privilege, and blessing. And a love that remembers the journey of all triad members.

My heart is swollen.

reflecting on my road from infertility to adoption

I've recently been in contact with a woman who has walked the road of infertility and is now gathering information related to adoption. It's been interesting chatting/emailing with her. I can hear the desperation and anguish in her words. How her plan to start a family has become a very dark place.

This made me reflect on my own journey from infertility into the adoption world. I have a different story.

I was very familiar with adoptive families and had walked friends through the process from beginning to end. Due to our exposure of infertility and adoption we never took the idea of starting a family forgranted. And were very aware that our story may also end up on the same path.

We had decided that if biological children weren't in our future then we would direct our energy into adoption. This wasn't a very difficult decision for us. The more difficult piece was deciding if we were ready to become a transracial family.

So after the referral to the fertility clinic, all the tests, the news that the cause of our infertility was "unknown", and that after the last procedure we had a six month window to most likely get pregnant, I was frustrated. I didn't want to "try" for another six months. I didn't want to have to make decisions based on an "unknown" diagnosis. I would have rather heard that there was absolutely no way we would ever, ever become pregnant, and then I would have marched right into the office of the closest adoption agency. I was ready to move on. To be in control again.

In the end, we did follow the doctor's advice and after five months started the adoption process. I felt free. Free to be rid of the past, the testing, the counting, the temperature taking. Free to look forward and plan for the future. I was still desperate to have a child but not in an anguished sort of way.

I feel blessed to have known so many people who formed their families through adoption and to have participated in a few of those journey's. The day we decided to 100% pursue adoption was a good day, and I am thankful for that.

i've got your back

In my professional life I've come across many women who for either religious, cultural, personal, or reasons otherwise, have concealed their pregnancies. Sometimes for a long time.

I was only able to make it to 16 weeks before I needed to make the news public. I would have gone longer if I could have.

For me, concealing my pregnancy was a form of self-preservation. When telling those closest to me, I was able to explain where my head was at, how I was shocked beyond belief, and in a place of sadness. These friends listened, didn't offer platitudes. That was what I needed. To tell everyone meant opening myself up to comments and questions that I wasn't ready to receive.

Due to my tilted uterus I started showing very quickly -- far too quick for my liking. And once the news was public, I had no control over what was said by others and how it was said. This was still so early in my time of processing -- I was barely coming out of denial and the reaction of others to my pregnancy really impacted me.

As a result, I have walked into situations and immediately become overwhelmed with over-the-top excitement about this pregnancy. And when I react in a less than positive way people don't know what to do. When they heard the news, they didn't also hear the rest of our story.

I have a friend who is repeatedly approached by others with "the big question." She has told me that she's "got my back." When she discloses that, yes, I am indeed pregnant and hears the responses I have heard many times over, she tempers their excitement. She will explain to others how "oh, she just needed to adopt to get pregnant" and "now she'll have one of her own" are perhaps not the best things to say to me.

I am so thankful for this person in my life. A woman who has not walked the road of infertility, adoption, or an unplanned pregnancy, but who has tried to understand and empathize with each part of my story. She has done well.

I can't even explain the comfort felt after hearing the words...."I've got your back...."

So, thank you my dear friend. Thank you for listening and hearing. And for understanding and sharing.