Wednesday, October 26, 2011

rewind three months...

Three months ago life could not have seemed to get any better. We were in the middle of the best summer, weather wise, in years, T was on his way to turning the big 2 and loving life, D was investigating a new job potential that would be great for him and our family, and I was secure in my role as mommy and loving every minute of my job.

There was no talk about having more kids. We had that talk eons ago. Another adoption was out of the question due to finances and we had no desire to pursue further infertility treatments. We were done. 

When D and I got married 15 years (!) ago we had talked about what we dreamed for our family. I had always wanted two kids and D wanted three. Fast forward to infertility and an extremely difficult adoption experience and our expectations for life and family completely changed. 

When I was at my lowest during the adoption I was completely convinced that I would never become a mother. Then after T came into my life my heart became full in a way that I had never experienced before. I didn't feel any desire or need to have more children in my family. I was now a mom to an amazing little boy and didn't need any more than that. T entering my life was such a significant experience that I didn't want to share that love and joy with another child.

People have often asked me if we were going to have more kids or start the adoption process again and my answer was always, "nope, my heart is full." There is complete truth in that statement. Every part of me was okay being a family of three and actually loving it. Having only one child has quite a few benefits -- it's easier to find babysitting, he's outnumbered, both D and I still have a sense of independence and are able to find time for ourselves, it's less financially straining, we're able to plan trips and outings easily, and we still participate in all the joys that parenthood provides.

Now fast forward three months and life is nothing like I thought it would be. I am 16 weeks pregnant and in the process of grieving what I was planning for my future.

In the end getting pregnant is really our own fault. I know about all the birth control options...we talk about them at every Healthy Baby group a nurse and I facilitate. But when you've never been pregnant, birth control really seems like a silly thing to think about. We were planning to make our family of three a for-sure permanent thing. D had already been to the pre-appointment for a vasectomy and just needed to book that actual appointment. 

And then life took a twisted turn...

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

the big reveal

Never...ever...did I think I would need to tell the world that I am pregnant.

This was very (very very) unexpected news and very unplanned. D was about a month away from a vasectomy. A vasectomy that we have talked about for the past year.

Needless to say, I am shocked and in a very different place than I was 5 years ago when I hoped to see two pink lines on a pregnancy test. 

My journey into motherhood continues.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

i'm back

I took a long break. I didn't have much to say....just trying to stay afloat with my two year old!

I now have something to talk about, so it's back to blogging for me.

I know I've lost my readers but that's okay with me. This place is a venue for me to get out my emotions on all things motherhood related, and a place for me to process what's happening in life. Essentially this space is for me. If others happen to stumble this way and glean from my process then that's bonus.

So stay tuned.....I have an announcement to make....and it's not what you're thinking...