Wednesday, May 26, 2010

please say...#1

Today I was out with baby T. I brought some new baby clothes that have never been worn to a consignment store. The store owner was very helpful and super nice. She disclosed that she was also an adoptive mom. They adopted their son domestically. She asked me a few questions about T and then asked in the most possible politically correct way...

"Now did you travel to get your little one?"

I immediately realized how she had framed this question. How she had asked where T was from, thinking likely another country but not outright assuming this. Quite different from the lady in the grocery store who, without engaging me in any sort of conversation related to adoption, asked if T was from Haiti.

I will take note of this question and use it in the future when encountering adoptive families.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

thoughts about The Wait from a distance

A friend of mine is waiting.

Waiting for a referral to adopt a child from Ethiopia.

She has been waiting for a very long time.

When I chat with her about waiting and how this has impacted her family life I think about my own waiting time. I actually feel anxious and my blood pressure rises as I immerse myself in her experience during our coffee dates. During those times I need to remember to separate my reality from hers. It hasn't been that long. She is waiting. I am not.

It has been 8 1/2 months since baby T entered our lives and closed the waiting chapter of our journey into parenthood. But I can still quite vividly remember how difficult The Wait was. While I am head over heels in love with T, he doesn't erase that experience. Fellow adoptive parents have mentioned that the waiting and paperwork seems like nothing once you are holding a child. I disagree. That time in my life changed me as a person and the experience will forever impact how I look at building a family. Infertility, the adoption process, and the waiting will always color my vision.

This waiting is one of the reasons that I think we will be a family of three now and forever. There are other reasons for this, which might make it into a post someday, but at this moment I can not imagine ever beginning The Wait again. Even though it would be different because we have a child, I know I would constantly be distracted. Instead I want to enjoy the life that I have as mother to an amazing little boy. To wonder and anticipate and expect is something that I don't desire to do again. Our wait was riddled with hardships and roadblocks, it was not a wait of ease that some (very few) adoptive parents experience.

So to my friend (I know you're reading this!) I hurt for you during your wait. Thank you for the privilege to walk some of this journey with you. And I too will celebrate (wine and chocolate night?) when the waiting is finally over for you too.

Then I think we both may need therapy to help us work through The Wait and all the nastiness it left behind!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

my first mother's day

Firstly, I need to acknowledge the hallmark holiday that Mother's Day is. As well as the fact that this is a hard day for many women. I won't sugar coat it. It's a hard day. I know. I've been there.

I also think about J on this day. I don't have any words to express how difficult this day may be for her. "Birthmother" Day is apparently the day before Mother's Day. I wonder why there is a separate day...and who decided this? How is it that a first mom isn't also acknowledged on Mother's Day...after all she IS a mother.

That said, I embraced my very first Mother's Day.

It was delightful.

D got up with baby T so I would be able to sleep in. Of course I didn't, I heard T as well. But lying in bed for an extra 1/2 hour and knowing that I didn't have to get up was lovely. Then D make me belgium waffles with strawberries and vanilla sauce for breakfast...yum!

After breakfast, and a stint outside so D could organize the house, I took part in a treasure hunt which ended with my gift. D did such a great job with clues, some of them were really tricky! My Mother's Day present was this lovely custom necklace. Good on D to remember all my hints after initially seeing this jewelery well before I became a mother!

Then D stayed at home with T while I went out for lunch with my sister (her hubbie also at home with the kids). After enjoying a yummy meal we were treated to a manicure and pedicure. My Mother's Day adventure ended with dessert....a deep-fried mars bar! Oh so good!

What a lovely day.

Now the pressure is on to plan an excellent Father's Day!