is it a gender thing?

I'm a part of a wonderful group of women that meet monthly to discuss books. But we're not like your average book club. All the women in this club are transracial adoptive moms and the books we read/discuss are all related to transracial adoption.

Our group is called ROOTS meaning belonging; the core; and to grow...which describes us as transracial adoptive parents and our kids as transracial adoptees.

We've just started reading through an excellent book called In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Own Stories. This book is a collection of interviews completed with transracial adoptees now in their 20's. A book I would definitely recommend.

We started at the beginning and read through 4 interviews with female adoptees and had lots to discuss regarding their stories. The next month we read through 4 male interviews and found that there was little to say. The stories shared by the women were in-depth and included a lot of emotional issues as well as difficulties finding their way in the black world after having lived in a white home. Whereas the men were more straight forward, stated things just as they were, and seemed to have little need to make adoption or the transracial piece of adoption into a big deal.

This made our group wonder...is it a gender thing?

I don't want to make sweeping statements. Especially considering that I've read books written by other male transracial adoptees which included a lot of emotion, introspection, and difficulty.

It's just an interesting observation and worth pondering as a mom who has adopted transracially.

book: inside transracial adoption

I am reading a new book titled Inside Transracial Adoption by Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall. I'm only part way through but I am quite impressed with the content. This is from the inside cover:

Inside Transracial Adoption provides creative, confident, pro-active, and provocative guidance for parents who are experienced veterans or who are considering transracial adoption for the first time. Whether through domestic or international adoption the authors offer direction for building close, loving, and very real families consisting of individuals who are proud and culturally competent members of differing races.

In the first chapter The Challenges of Transracial Adoption the authors cite what they believe to be indisputable principles of transracial adoption:

• transracial adoption is more complex than same-race adoption
• visible differences between parents and children increase challenges to their acceptance as a family unit
• there are predictable developmental stages for transracial adoptive families which are different from those of same-race families
• issues regarding racial or ethnic awareness and development of positive racial identity must be addressed

In a larger context, what makes these core principles indisputable are these broader truths...

• adoption is a response to a life crisis
• race matters
• transracial adoption issues are not easy or comfortable subjects to discus
  
• adoptive families need to develop the desire and capacity to help themselves
• families built by transracial adoption can let challenges beat them down or they can embrace their issues - a process which only builds strength

Lastly...

If we are successful at giving transracially adopted children all that they need, we will raise adults with a unique ability to understand and interact with white-dominated society, while retaining proud membership in their own racial community.

I like this book.

baby t's first life book

Last week, a good friend (whose daughter entered their family through adoption) and I finished making life books for our kids. A project, discussed many times in the past six months, which basically took us three nights to complete. And I love it!

After seriously pondering what sort of paper/binding we would use for this book, I stumbled across blank, white board books for sale at Michaels. (Who knew you could buy blank board books?!). With that discovery we decided to make very simple preschool friendly books with one picture and a bit of text on each page.

The most daunting task was trying to figure out the text. How do you explain placement in two preschool friendly sentences? My friend and I spent an entire evening together writing simple sentences and picking pictures to tell a story.

Then we agonized over how to put the book together. Would double sided tape be sufficient to hold pictures in place? Heaven forbid we'd actually need to hand write the text! And how long would this book last in the hands of a child?

Then the discovery...

Contact paper. Brilliant.

After a late night run to Home Depot to purchase clear contact paper, as I had mistakenly bought frosty paper (they should really label it more clearly!), it took us two late evenings with Starbucks in hand to complete the books.

No hand writing. We printed out the text and pasted it in place.
No worries about little fingers touching pictures and the longevity of the book.

Contact paper really saved the day. (I'm actually not joking here...this was a major turning point in our book making!).

I absolutely love how the books turned out. Although our adoption stories are different, it was an absolute pleasure to design, write, and complete such an important book with such a good friend. T's life book will be one among many in his basket of board books. One that I hope we'll read together many times in the next few years.

And in the end, if the book falls apart I suppose that is a good thing, as then baby T will become familiar with his story and a very important woman who plays a central role.

i wished for you

As a gift T received the book "I Wished for You: an adoption story" by Marianne Richmond. I wasn't familiar with this kids adoption book. I opened it up during the get together.

I read this page...

"Did you ever think," wondered Barley, "that your wish might not come true?"

"Oh yes..." said Mama, remembering how long the waiting seemed sometimes. "I wished for you through many phone calls...and through mountains of paperwork. I wished for you while I waited and waited...and waited."

and cried.

I love this book. The story includes sections on first moms and transracial families. While there are parts that I don't agree with like insinuating through the use of faith based language that the adopted child was "meant to be." But these parts are small and overall think the book is really good. T has heard it (while in a dozy state) many times already and I can now get through it without shedding a tear!

book recommendation

I recently read an excellent book that I would highly recommend to anyone interested in reading about African slavery in America. The Book of Negroes is historical fiction written by Lawrence Hill (Canadian author!). This book is stunning and I believe a must read for transracial families with African American children.

Abducted as an 11-year-old child from her village in West Africa and forced to walk for months to the sea in a coffle - a string of slaves - Aminata Diallo is sent to live as a slave in South Carolina. But years later, she forges her way to freedom, serving the British in the Revolutionary War and registering her name in the historic "Book of Negroes". This book, an actual document, provides a short but immensely revealing record of freed Loyalist slaves who requested permission to leave the US for resettlement in Nova Scotia, only to find that the haven they sought was steeped in an oppression all of its own. Aminata's eventual return to Sierra Leone - passing ships carrying thousands of slaves bound for America - is an engrossing account of an obscure but important chapter in history that saw 1,200 former slaves embark on a harrowing back-to-Africa odyssey.

Lawrence Hill is a master at transforming the neglected corners of history into brilliant imaginings, as engaging and revealing as only the best historical fiction can be. A sweeping story that transports the reader from a tribal African village to a plantation in the southern United States, from the teeming Halifax docks to the manor houses of London, The Book of Negroes introduces one of the strongest female characters in recent Canadian fiction, one who cuts a swath through a world hostile to her colour and her sex.

transracial parenting manual

I just downloaded this transracial parenting manual and took a quick read through it. There is some great information included in this guide that will be very helpful to any transracial family.

Take a look around John's blog as well. It is rich with information to help guide families engaged in transracial parenting.

when love isn't enough

A while ago D happened to mention to a neighbor that we were in the process of adopting a child. The neighbor disclosed the fact that his parents have a child through international adoption. D alluded to some of the challenges of adoption and transracial parenting thinking our neighbor might be able to relate. However our neighbor responded with the classic “oh, just love ‘em and everything will be alright.” In my eyes this is the Sunday School answer to adoption related issues. D left that conversation slightly concerned for the adopted child in their family.

In general, society paints a rosy picture of adoption. The loss and abandonment felt by adoptees is rarely acknowledged. Instead adoptee’s are told that they are “so lucky” to have been adopted into such a great family. And everything might actually look rosy from the outside, kids will adjust and learn appropriate behaviour and as humans we’re pretty good at repressing feelings, but I believe that every child who was adopted experiences profound loss.

I have yet to read Nancy Verrier’s book, The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child. I’m not quite ready. I definitely understand the premise of the primal wound as I have read some articles on the concept. And I feel fortunate to have come across this truth prior to adopting a child so that I am able to better understand straight from the beginning what an impact the separation of infant and mother can have on a child…even a newborn baby. An understanding of the primal wound in our future child will allow me to empathize with their experience and feelings from day one. The feelings of loss, abandonment, and trauma of separation that even an infant experiences. All the love and care in the world isn’t enough to erase this wound. It must be acknowledged and each child must be allowed the freedom to feel and express these emotions and feelings.

I read a really good article from the Quantum Parenting site about the primal wound (there are some other great articles on this site). It is an important concept for anyone remotely connected to adoption to understand. And someday soon I’ll actually read the book.

What is the Primal Wound? Understanding the Trauma of Infant-Maternal Separation

Throughout the generations of routine obstetrical, hospital, and adoption practice in this county, the assumption has always been, “Why would the separation from its mother affect a newborn baby?” But with the advent in the last twenty years of pre- and perinatal research, we now have astounding findings about what a fetus experiences in the womb, what a strong connection it has with the mother long before birth, and how intelligent, aware and remembering a newborn is. Many researchers now feel the more appropriate question to be, “Why wouldn’t the separation from the mother to whom he/she was connected for nine months affect an infant?”

“Many doctors and psychologists now understand that bonding doesn’t begin at birth, but is a continuum of physiological, psychological, and spiritual events which begin in utero and continue throughout the postnatal bonding period. When this natural evolution is interrupted by a postnatal separation from the biological mother, the resultant experience of abandonment and loss is indelibly imprinted upon the unconscious minds of these children, causing that which I call the primal wound.” So writes Nancy Verrier in her book, The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child (1993). Continue reading…

adoption baby book

I just received the adoption baby book that I ordered from amazon. I absolutely LOVE it! The authors of this book obviously put a lot of thought into each page. A friend who is adopting an older baby from overseas got the same book and it will work great for this type of adoption as well. My only criticism is that there are 2 family trees in the back, one for the adoptive family and one for the first family. I would have preferred one large tree that incorporates both families. But all in all, great book and I would definitely recommend it for all types of adoption stories.

book recommendation on kids and race

I'm currently reading an excellent book on race and child development called "I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla: Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race-Conscious World." This book isn't about adoption but as a future transracial family the topic is quite relevant to us. This is from the back cover:

"I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla teaches parents and educators of black and biracial children how to reduce racism's impact on a child's development - from preschool through adolescence - and in doing so to raise emotionally healthy children."

I'm about a third of the way through the book (just finished the preschool years!) and would highly recommend it to any transracial adoptive family. I would actually recommend this book to anyone who knows and interacts with children of color...especially teachers.

*A note to my family and friends...if interested, I'd be more then willing to lend it out!

colorblindness - outsiders within

One of my favourite chapters in "Outsiders Within" is titled "Scattered Seeds: The Christian Influence on Korean Adoption" by Jae Ran Kim.

Is this song familiar to you?

Jesus loves the little children,
All the children of the world
Red and yellow, black and white
They are precious in His sight
Jesus loves the little children of the world.

This is from Jae Ran Kim:
"We must not forget that at the core of transracial adoption, children of color are being adopted by white parents. White parents may feel that they are exempt from being racist; after all, they adopted a child of another race. Yet through promoting the "we are all God's children" mentality, Christianity breeds a sort of colorblindness that is often as dangerous to a child of color as overt racism. This mentality often leads to statements such as, "I don't see [child's name] as Korean, she's just my daughter."

Colorblindness is an ideal. Racism and discrimination are alive and well. I've personally heard transracial adoptive parents say that they don't see their child as black...but guess what...the rest of the world does! I believe in equity and civil rights etc. but I need to be aware of the ugliness that exists in the world and learn how to best prepare a child of color. A few weeks ago I read this post called Seeing Color. In this post an adoptive mother of a child from China writes about how it is important for the world to see her daughter's color but judge her character. I love the way she writes about this important part of being a transracial family. Read her post, it's really good and way more articulate then I could ever be!