Clearly I suck at keeping promises.
Anyway.
Baby S is now 11 months. Hard to believe that so much time has passed already. She has changed so much over the past year and so has our family life.
But here is some of the nitty gritty...
Shortly after her arrival what I found most difficult is the way a parent with a new baby "chooses sides" so to speak with multiple kids. I had watched many a friend deal with their first born child in frustration, anger, tears, etc. once the second babe arrived. All a normal reaction considering the extreme lack of sleep and helpless nature of the baby versus toddler.
When we were an only child family, I remember being witness to events such as the above and thanking the Lord that we wouldn't have to walk those steps. T's entry into our lives was so significant on so many levels and I had fallen into such a deep love for him that I didn't want to experience the extra frustration and anxiety directed at him due to a new baby in the house. There were plenty of reasons just due to his toddlerhood to be frustrated with him and a baby would only add another layer.
When baby S arrived, T was 2 1/2 years old and ripe with 3 year old behaviour. All in all, he adjusted to her presence fairly well, it was his just being almost 3 that was the difficulty. Over spring, summer, and fall we experienced daily tantrums and all the other typical what-alien-invaded-you behaviour that the age of 3 brings. It was not a pretty sight.
I battled with my emotions while being in a sleep deprived state, never sure what to do with him, and usually reacting on the fly which meant mostly anger directed at T. I was frustrated with this helpless baby and how her arrival caused me to be so emotionally charged with my first child. My anger had to come out somehow and I had enough wits about me to not direct it at S, so T became the logical answer. Plus, what was causing me frustration was him just being him. I felt guilty because T was the one that I knew and had loved for over 2 years yet he was the one experiencing my poor parenting. I felt that without a new baby I would have been able to develop more sound strategies to deal with his charged behaviour and help him through it. But I did none of that. Instead I ranted and raved while he did the same. We were a mess.
I had become an angry person. And I hurt because I was angry at this little boy who held such a strong hold on my heart.
I'm thankful for the fact that the weather was nice and I have a great hubby who took our son outside to the park daily while I stayed inside breastfeeding....and breastfeeding. I was also able to retain childcare for T two days a week for the first 5 months which was a huge lifesaver. And I am here to say, 11 months later, that life with two kids does get better.
But that was hard.
I find that most moms don't talk about these sort of difficulties. I witnessed them as an outsider, so I know they exist, but no one really articulates the experience. People do talk about how hard it is with two kids but then usually quickly turn to rainbows and butterflies about giving the first a sibling.
I honestly get why some people choose to have an only child. For me this was part of the choice. It is hard to look at the child you have longed years to hold, only to and yell and shout at him as he demonstrates over and over why the age of 3 sucks.
Someday. When he is old enough to fully understand, I will apologize to him for this year. (I do tell him sorry when over-reacting etc. but what I mean here is a deeper understanding of sorry). I will look into those stunning brown eyes and apologize for how I wasn't able to keep it together and use this experience as a life lesson for both of us.
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Thursday, December 1, 2011
all you needed was...
To relax.
To adopt.
To be happy.
To wait for the right timing.
Then...and only then...
Would you become pregnant.
And have one of your OWN.
Do people really believe this stuff? From the related comments I get, I would think so.
I've become one of the few. One of the ~ 3% of women who are infertile, who then form a family through adoption, and then get pregnant. A statistic.
Everyone has a similar story. Everyone apparently knows someone who has adopted and then become pregnant. At least that is what it feels like to me because I hear all those stories.
Here's the newsflash -- what you don't hear are all the stories of women who adopt a child and do not become pregnant. There are many of them.
What people don't realize, is that by telling me that all I needed to do to get pregnant was to adopt a child, they have completely invalidated my experience with infertility and the adoption journey...as well as the beautiful child in my life. It is the pregnancy that is celebrated above all else. The "normal" and "regular" way to have a family. It's almost like people are inferring why did I bother forming a family through adoption if I was going to get pregnant years later anyway? I guess my 8 year ago self didn't have that sort of insight.
It is also difficult for people to understand that after walking the road of infertility and adoption, not everyone needs that pregnancy experience to feel complete. I had resolved that desire years and years ago.
And nothing hurts more then people telling me that now I'll have one of my own.
T is my own. Plain and simple.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
prime
Gravida/para/abortus (GPA), or sometimes just gravida/para (GP), is a shorthand medical notation for a woman's obstetric history.
- Gravida indicates the number of times the woman has been pregnant, regardless of whether these pregnancies were carried to term. A current pregnancy, if any, is included in this count.
- Para indicates the number of viable (>20 wks) births. Pregnancies consisting of multiples, such as twins or triplets, count as one birth for the purpose of this notation.
- Abortus is the number of pregnancies that were lost for any reason, including induced abortions or miscarriages. The abortus term is sometimes dropped when no pregnancies have been lost.
Another medical term often used to describe a first pregnancy is Prime.
I am considered Prime.
Within the Gravida/Para notation there is no designation for adopted children, so there is no way of new medical personnel that I come across to know that I am not a first time mom.
Because I was in the process of receiving vaccinations for my anticipated trip to Africa, and because I can never ever remember when my last period was (spent way too many years keeping track), I have seen many medical personnel related to this pregnancy.
Each time I walk into a new medical office I am greeted with the words, "Oh, this is your first baby!", to which I reply every time, "No, I have a 2 year old son at home through adoption." (I can't just say I have a 2 year old at home given the many different ways families are blended today). Because adoption usually follows an experience with infertility, the usual response from medical staff is "You must be SO excited about being pregnant!!"
The Gravida/Para designation indicates that I have never been pregnant and this will be my first birth experience which is important for all medical staff to know. I get that.
But every time I need to distinguish the way my son entered my family and hear the overflowing joy related to pregnancy, a joy that many did not express after hearing the news we were adopting, I am reminded that much of the world thinks that adoption is second best and that pregnancy is worth celebrating.
But every time I need to distinguish the way my son entered my family and hear the overflowing joy related to pregnancy, a joy that many did not express after hearing the news we were adopting, I am reminded that much of the world thinks that adoption is second best and that pregnancy is worth celebrating.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
rewind three months...
Three months ago life could not have seemed to get any better. We were in the middle of the best summer, weather wise, in years, T was on his way to turning the big 2 and loving life, D was investigating a new job potential that would be great for him and our family, and I was secure in my role as mommy and loving every minute of my job.
There was no talk about having more kids. We had that talk eons ago. Another adoption was out of the question due to finances and we had no desire to pursue further infertility treatments. We were done.
When D and I got married 15 years (!) ago we had talked about what we dreamed for our family. I had always wanted two kids and D wanted three. Fast forward to infertility and an extremely difficult adoption experience and our expectations for life and family completely changed.
When I was at my lowest during the adoption I was completely convinced that I would never become a mother. Then after T came into my life my heart became full in a way that I had never experienced before. I didn't feel any desire or need to have more children in my family. I was now a mom to an amazing little boy and didn't need any more than that. T entering my life was such a significant experience that I didn't want to share that love and joy with another child.
People have often asked me if we were going to have more kids or start the adoption process again and my answer was always, "nope, my heart is full." There is complete truth in that statement. Every part of me was okay being a family of three and actually loving it. Having only one child has quite a few benefits -- it's easier to find babysitting, he's outnumbered, both D and I still have a sense of independence and are able to find time for ourselves, it's less financially straining, we're able to plan trips and outings easily, and we still participate in all the joys that parenthood provides.
Now fast forward three months and life is nothing like I thought it would be. I am 16 weeks pregnant and in the process of grieving what I was planning for my future.
In the end getting pregnant is really our own fault. I know about all the birth control options...we talk about them at every Healthy Baby group a nurse and I facilitate. But when you've never been pregnant, birth control really seems like a silly thing to think about. We were planning to make our family of three a for-sure permanent thing. D had already been to the pre-appointment for a vasectomy and just needed to book that actual appointment.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
a friend in need
Entering the adoption world has provided me with many new friends. There is an instant bond, an understanding that occurs between adoptive and prospective adoptive parents. No one else can quite "get it".
One of my very good adoptive mama friends needs your positive thoughts and prayers. She has experienced a rocky journey and right when we all thought it would be over they hit a major roadblock. And I mean MAJOR.
Not the kind of roadblock that one grieves and moves past to continue waiting for a child. This is the kind of roadblock that ends the entire process for them forever. Forever.
I can't disclose the roadblock but just know that it is utterly and entirely ridiculous. There aren't even any appropriate words in the English language to describe how absurd this situation is. No words...except quite a few expletives.
Half way around the world court proceedings will take place tomorrow to decide their fate. To you this is just another woman waiting for an adoption, but to me this is an important friend and I hurt so much seeing her broken and in despair. Please pray, think positive thoughts, send positive energy into the universe, or whatever else suits your fancy. I need to believe that God still performs miracles. He still does, right?
In the end we can't do anything else but wait and watch a stranger determine my friend's future.
One of my very good adoptive mama friends needs your positive thoughts and prayers. She has experienced a rocky journey and right when we all thought it would be over they hit a major roadblock. And I mean MAJOR.
Not the kind of roadblock that one grieves and moves past to continue waiting for a child. This is the kind of roadblock that ends the entire process for them forever. Forever.
I can't disclose the roadblock but just know that it is utterly and entirely ridiculous. There aren't even any appropriate words in the English language to describe how absurd this situation is. No words...except quite a few expletives.
Half way around the world court proceedings will take place tomorrow to decide their fate. To you this is just another woman waiting for an adoption, but to me this is an important friend and I hurt so much seeing her broken and in despair. Please pray, think positive thoughts, send positive energy into the universe, or whatever else suits your fancy. I need to believe that God still performs miracles. He still does, right?
In the end we can't do anything else but wait and watch a stranger determine my friend's future.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
i will keep sending letters
What is it with Mondays?
Yesterday was a disappointing day on many levels. But the most disappointing part of yesterday was adoption related.
Those of you who know me, or have read here for any length of time, know that D and I desire(ed) an open adoption. We've done the reading and feel that a true open adoption is best for all members of the triad. When signing the application with our American agency we were unaware that their definition of openness was more of the semi-open variety. This particular agency doesn't encourage true openness and prefers that all correspondence between adoptive and first families flow through them. We became aware of this once well into the process. We still felt that we would do whatever we could to create as much openness as possible.
Every month I write a letter and pick the best pictures to send to J. I have sent Christmas presents, birthday presents, and a Mother's Day card. In each letter I mention how we would love to hear from her and often remind her of our email address. After a couple of months I inquired with our agency to see if any letters/packages had been returned, just in case she had moved and not left a forwarding address. None were returned.
Yesterday I inquired again.
I was not prepared for the answer.
At the end of last year, J requested that a hold be put on her file and all letters/packages remain at the agency until she requested them.
One could read many things into this. I've already thought of them all.
I've been preparing T's 12 month letter and pictures (wanted to wait until after his party so I could send some cake shots). Nothing will change this. I will still write it as if she is reading it this month. And I will continue to send updates, cards, and presents.
T will know that we did everything possible to create a relationship with his first mom. He will know that at each update, each holiday, and every other time in between we thought about J and how important she is to us, to him, and our family.
My hope is that when J is ready, she will request her "box of stuff" and even perhaps connect with us. In the meantime we're back to doing something we have a lot of practice and experience in...waiting on someone else.
Yesterday was a disappointing day on many levels. But the most disappointing part of yesterday was adoption related.
Those of you who know me, or have read here for any length of time, know that D and I desire(ed) an open adoption. We've done the reading and feel that a true open adoption is best for all members of the triad. When signing the application with our American agency we were unaware that their definition of openness was more of the semi-open variety. This particular agency doesn't encourage true openness and prefers that all correspondence between adoptive and first families flow through them. We became aware of this once well into the process. We still felt that we would do whatever we could to create as much openness as possible.
Every month I write a letter and pick the best pictures to send to J. I have sent Christmas presents, birthday presents, and a Mother's Day card. In each letter I mention how we would love to hear from her and often remind her of our email address. After a couple of months I inquired with our agency to see if any letters/packages had been returned, just in case she had moved and not left a forwarding address. None were returned.
Yesterday I inquired again.
I was not prepared for the answer.
At the end of last year, J requested that a hold be put on her file and all letters/packages remain at the agency until she requested them.
One could read many things into this. I've already thought of them all.
I've been preparing T's 12 month letter and pictures (wanted to wait until after his party so I could send some cake shots). Nothing will change this. I will still write it as if she is reading it this month. And I will continue to send updates, cards, and presents.
T will know that we did everything possible to create a relationship with his first mom. He will know that at each update, each holiday, and every other time in between we thought about J and how important she is to us, to him, and our family.
My hope is that when J is ready, she will request her "box of stuff" and even perhaps connect with us. In the meantime we're back to doing something we have a lot of practice and experience in...waiting on someone else.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
a pregnant woman is NOT a birth mom until papers are signed
Please.
Say it with me.
I continue to see...on so many prospective adoptive parent blogs...inappropriate language used to describe a woman who is considering adoption for her unborn child.
Until papers have been signed, every pregnant woman is an expectant mother.
Bottom line.
I really wish more people in adoption land would get this. Especially adoptive parents. The general public may be confused about adoption language, but we shouldn't be.
We all talk about respecting "birth moms" and acknowledging the difficult decisions they are facing.
Then let's respect all women who are considering placement and do them the courtesy of not using labels before any decisions have been made.
Say it with me.
A pregnant woman is NOT a birth mom until she has signed relinquishment paperwork.
I continue to see...on so many prospective adoptive parent blogs...inappropriate language used to describe a woman who is considering adoption for her unborn child.
Until papers have been signed, every pregnant woman is an expectant mother.
Bottom line.
I really wish more people in adoption land would get this. Especially adoptive parents. The general public may be confused about adoption language, but we shouldn't be.
We all talk about respecting "birth moms" and acknowledging the difficult decisions they are facing.
Then let's respect all women who are considering placement and do them the courtesy of not using labels before any decisions have been made.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
money, money, money
I am very frustrated by the role money plays in adoption. I was recently made aware of a situation where a family was chosen by an expectant mom, but had to decline simply because of the projected final cost of the adoption. I am also aware of a family unable to have biological children who would love to adopt a child, but because of intentional choices they have made to live a simple lifestyle, are unable. Because of money.
I am so sick and tired of money playing such a major role in adoption.
So many of us who have chosen adoption are now in major debt. This isn't right. I don't believe that adoption needs to cost as much as it does. There are always hidden costs that no one, especially not the agencies, tells you about in the beginning. You only find out at the end. Once you're emotionally attached and willing to use plastic for anything and everything. Agencies are non-profit organizations, however I am quite confident that many directors and other agency staff are making a pretty penny.
And as soon as there is a bottom line, greed and corruption enter. If money were taken out of the equation child trafficking would cease to exist. Coercion would no longer be a concern. And other families would be able to adopt a child.
Currently, adoption is for the wealthy. Or at least for those who have a bit of money and are willing to go into debt to build a family. Money is not everything. I truly believe that. But you still need it to feed and clothe a child.
And I'm quite curious as to what that agency told the expectant mom about why the family she chose was unable to parent her child. I sincerely doubt it was the truth.
I leave you with a word from ABBA:
I am so sick and tired of money playing such a major role in adoption.
So many of us who have chosen adoption are now in major debt. This isn't right. I don't believe that adoption needs to cost as much as it does. There are always hidden costs that no one, especially not the agencies, tells you about in the beginning. You only find out at the end. Once you're emotionally attached and willing to use plastic for anything and everything. Agencies are non-profit organizations, however I am quite confident that many directors and other agency staff are making a pretty penny.
And as soon as there is a bottom line, greed and corruption enter. If money were taken out of the equation child trafficking would cease to exist. Coercion would no longer be a concern. And other families would be able to adopt a child.
Currently, adoption is for the wealthy. Or at least for those who have a bit of money and are willing to go into debt to build a family. Money is not everything. I truly believe that. But you still need it to feed and clothe a child.
And I'm quite curious as to what that agency told the expectant mom about why the family she chose was unable to parent her child. I sincerely doubt it was the truth.
I leave you with a word from ABBA:
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich man's world.
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It's a rich man's world.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
adoption finalization drama
I was preparing a post today about our court date this morning and how after 9:45 am we would officially be a forever family according to the legal system.
Then I received a call from our American lawyer's office.
It seems as though there were some hiccups. First of all, we now have a different judge. For some reason the judge's go back and forth between residing over civil and criminal cases. Our original judge was assigned to oversee criminal cases which means a new judge took his civil files. This new judge was not pleased that we weren't present for the hearing. We went to court with T six months ago when the petition was initially filed and the judge agreed that since he had met us he was okay with our lawyer standing in as our proxy for the finalization hearing. This is often done in this State. It appears as if our new judge wasn't happy about this ruling and then proceeded to poke his nose in our paperwork.
The end result is that this judge wants more information to prove that our adoption of T was pre-Hague and also needs our total Canadian adoption fee breakdown. So now we scramble to get that information and locate a notary public. And then pay through the nose to send the documents to the US so they get there yesterday.
Nothing with regards to T obtaining permanent residency, Canadian citizenship, and most importantly getting him on our provincial health card can happen until the judge signs the adoption decree. I really thought that after today this part of our adoption journey would be over. That we could move on. I should have known better.
The finalization process is sort of anti-climactic to begin with since we've had custody of T this whole time. But I thank the legal system for dragging this last step in the mud and making it even more anti-climactic. Now our lawyer just drops off the documents and we won't know the day or time that the judge signs the decree ahead of time. I don't know why, but nothing related to our adoption process has been easy and at every turn there is new drama to share.
We planned a party with our families to celebrate our "forever family." Thank goodness it didn't work to plan it this weekend. I really hope that everything will be completed before the party date, seems silly to celebrate something that hasn't happened. But with our luck, the postal service will go on strike.
Then I received a call from our American lawyer's office.
It seems as though there were some hiccups. First of all, we now have a different judge. For some reason the judge's go back and forth between residing over civil and criminal cases. Our original judge was assigned to oversee criminal cases which means a new judge took his civil files. This new judge was not pleased that we weren't present for the hearing. We went to court with T six months ago when the petition was initially filed and the judge agreed that since he had met us he was okay with our lawyer standing in as our proxy for the finalization hearing. This is often done in this State. It appears as if our new judge wasn't happy about this ruling and then proceeded to poke his nose in our paperwork.
The end result is that this judge wants more information to prove that our adoption of T was pre-Hague and also needs our total Canadian adoption fee breakdown. So now we scramble to get that information and locate a notary public. And then pay through the nose to send the documents to the US so they get there yesterday.
Nothing with regards to T obtaining permanent residency, Canadian citizenship, and most importantly getting him on our provincial health card can happen until the judge signs the adoption decree. I really thought that after today this part of our adoption journey would be over. That we could move on. I should have known better.
The finalization process is sort of anti-climactic to begin with since we've had custody of T this whole time. But I thank the legal system for dragging this last step in the mud and making it even more anti-climactic. Now our lawyer just drops off the documents and we won't know the day or time that the judge signs the decree ahead of time. I don't know why, but nothing related to our adoption process has been easy and at every turn there is new drama to share.
We planned a party with our families to celebrate our "forever family." Thank goodness it didn't work to plan it this weekend. I really hope that everything will be completed before the party date, seems silly to celebrate something that hasn't happened. But with our luck, the postal service will go on strike.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
what i know best
I'm back to what I know best.
Waiting.
I hate the waiting.
I try to convince myself that it doesn't matter. That the unknown doesn't wear me down day after day.
The two days we spent with A, her mom, and the unborn baby were so amazing that it all felt like a dream. Was it? On June 30th we woke up. It almost feels like that whole experience never happened. Although I do have pictures and foot prints of a baby to prove we really were there. But everything feels very hazy. My memory of those 4 days will never fade but my feelings about what happened and if it will every happen again are all fuzzy and muddled.
Will someone ever choose us again? Or was this whole family thing just a pipe dream right from the beginning? A dream that for us will never become a reality.
I'm having trouble articulating my thoughts and feelings on adoption, waiting, our future, etc. I feel very little hope. I don't think I really believe that a baby will be in our future -- especially now after what happened with A's baby. Yes, the paperwork says it could be. Yes, there are people working with our profile. But now when I walk by the baby room I don't think about what will be in the future, I think about what will never be.
Until you walk this road it's a hard one to explain and understand. I thank God that there are people in my life who really get it. Women who have been here in this same place, who know how to be supportive, who I can lean on. You know who you are. Thank you.
Maybe the waiting will be easier if I continue to live with little hope. This sounds so over dramatic and pathetic but moving forward with little hope protects my heart. Perhaps then I can move on and just live life not always wondering if I will be a mom by Thanksgiving, by Christmas, by next year, etc. I will try to have no expectations of parenthood in the future so that I'm not disappointed time and time again when that reality does not come to pass.
In the end, regardless of how I look at it, I will continue to live and breathe adoption daily.
The waiting sucks.
Waiting.
I hate the waiting.
I try to convince myself that it doesn't matter. That the unknown doesn't wear me down day after day.
The two days we spent with A, her mom, and the unborn baby were so amazing that it all felt like a dream. Was it? On June 30th we woke up. It almost feels like that whole experience never happened. Although I do have pictures and foot prints of a baby to prove we really were there. But everything feels very hazy. My memory of those 4 days will never fade but my feelings about what happened and if it will every happen again are all fuzzy and muddled.
Will someone ever choose us again? Or was this whole family thing just a pipe dream right from the beginning? A dream that for us will never become a reality.
I'm having trouble articulating my thoughts and feelings on adoption, waiting, our future, etc. I feel very little hope. I don't think I really believe that a baby will be in our future -- especially now after what happened with A's baby. Yes, the paperwork says it could be. Yes, there are people working with our profile. But now when I walk by the baby room I don't think about what will be in the future, I think about what will never be.
Until you walk this road it's a hard one to explain and understand. I thank God that there are people in my life who really get it. Women who have been here in this same place, who know how to be supportive, who I can lean on. You know who you are. Thank you.
Maybe the waiting will be easier if I continue to live with little hope. This sounds so over dramatic and pathetic but moving forward with little hope protects my heart. Perhaps then I can move on and just live life not always wondering if I will be a mom by Thanksgiving, by Christmas, by next year, etc. I will try to have no expectations of parenthood in the future so that I'm not disappointed time and time again when that reality does not come to pass.
In the end, regardless of how I look at it, I will continue to live and breathe adoption daily.
The waiting sucks.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
a hard week
It's been a hard week.
Going back to work has been difficult for a variety of reasons. So far I've teared up at least once every day while at work. One of my jobs involves pregnant women and babies -- usually I can distance myself enough while at work to protect my heart...this week I couldn't. My other job was one that I had no intention to return to after we adopted the baby. Today I returned. My heart just dropped as I walked through the door.
Today, while back at a job I have left emotionally, I received an email about a conference in November. For a moment my head and heart filled with dread. I was overcome with this feeling that I will still be working 2 jobs and childless for many more weeks and months. I don't know how I am going to do this.
This has also been a hard week for others that I deeply care about. Laura, who is a year into waiting for a referral to adopt a child from Ethiopia, found out this week that their adoption agency just declared bankruptcy. And my good friend H, continues to wait for one last piece of paperwork, that has been delayed unexpectedly and indefinitely, before she can go get her daughter from Ethiopia.
Adoption is hard. There are many of us asking the same questions day in and day out....why and when...
And I still have one more day left in this week. Oh how I pray that the weekend comes swiftly.
Going back to work has been difficult for a variety of reasons. So far I've teared up at least once every day while at work. One of my jobs involves pregnant women and babies -- usually I can distance myself enough while at work to protect my heart...this week I couldn't. My other job was one that I had no intention to return to after we adopted the baby. Today I returned. My heart just dropped as I walked through the door.
Today, while back at a job I have left emotionally, I received an email about a conference in November. For a moment my head and heart filled with dread. I was overcome with this feeling that I will still be working 2 jobs and childless for many more weeks and months. I don't know how I am going to do this.
This has also been a hard week for others that I deeply care about. Laura, who is a year into waiting for a referral to adopt a child from Ethiopia, found out this week that their adoption agency just declared bankruptcy. And my good friend H, continues to wait for one last piece of paperwork, that has been delayed unexpectedly and indefinitely, before she can go get her daughter from Ethiopia.
Adoption is hard. There are many of us asking the same questions day in and day out....why and when...
And I still have one more day left in this week. Oh how I pray that the weekend comes swiftly.
Monday, June 8, 2009
fall 2009?
The other day I had a thought (I know that's dangerous for me, but it happened!). Last fall I was so convinced that we were going to become parents. I don't know what it was exactly, but just a feeling that fall was the right time of year for this to happen. I could feel it in the air and as the leaves changed color.
Then fall passed...then winter...and now spring.
Still no baby.
Mind you, our file only "officially" became active towards the end of November, but it arrived at the American agency in the middle of September and we know that they start showing potential adoptive parent profiles immediately after receiving them if there is a potential match.
That same day I also realized that it is only 3 months until fall.
Three short months until September. I know that summer hasn't even started for us out here but the reality is that in 3 short months the leaves will start to turn color again and fall will be upon us (don't shoot me for this reminder!).
Maybe I was right about the season...but just got the year wrong.
Then fall passed...then winter...and now spring.
Still no baby.
Mind you, our file only "officially" became active towards the end of November, but it arrived at the American agency in the middle of September and we know that they start showing potential adoptive parent profiles immediately after receiving them if there is a potential match.
That same day I also realized that it is only 3 months until fall.
Three short months until September. I know that summer hasn't even started for us out here but the reality is that in 3 short months the leaves will start to turn color again and fall will be upon us (don't shoot me for this reminder!).
Maybe I was right about the season...but just got the year wrong.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
awkward conversation
This week I started my new job. Within the first half an hour, of the first day, I was meeting with my supervisor and explaining our adoption plans. It was an awkward conversation to have.
My immediate supervisor was not a part of the interview. I was interviewed by two other individuals who I also report too. At the end of the interview I disclosed our adoption plans -- one of the two already knew, so I thought it was important to just lay it all on the table and be transparent about my situation. When I was offered the job, I again mentioned that we were in the process of adopting a child and was told that this fact couldn't be factored into their decision on who to hire. Prior to applying for the job I did some research about the option of taking a parental leave shortly after being hired. I thought I was in a position to be able to negotiate taking a leave of absence.
After accepting the position I did some additional research. It turns out that the information I was given was incorrect. Labor laws state that one must be in continuous employment with the same employer for at least 7 months to take parental leave and be guaranteed a job at the end. Well that doesn't sit well with me since I sincerely hope that I won't be waiting another 7 months before becoming a mom and I really don't want to have to give up this permanent position.
Apparently I can still try to negotiate being granted parental leave earlier than the 7 months, but this means you need to be working in an environment where the human resources department has half a heart. I do not work in such a place. In fact, the HR department of my employer is known to be unlike any other.....and not in a good way.
By having that awkward conversation on my first day of work, my hope was to get my supervisor on my side. He was very supportive of the adoption. He acknowledged the difficulties many have with HR. And he did say that he would look into it and see what he could do for me. I'm really doubtful that things will work out in my favor...but I guess you never know.
But this whole situation plays with my mind. I've found myself hoping that we don't hear from our agency for awhile so that I can clock in more time at this job. But thinking that way doesn't sit well with the part of me that really wants a child. I know that we have options with this parental leave. D could take the first part of it and then I take the later part, after putting in the 7 months. That certainly isn't ideal for many reasons. I feel like I have given up so much already in our journey to have a family and this is just one more kick in the ass. It sure sucks to continually face more unknowns.
Just one more mountain to climb in the ongoing expedition that has become my life.
My immediate supervisor was not a part of the interview. I was interviewed by two other individuals who I also report too. At the end of the interview I disclosed our adoption plans -- one of the two already knew, so I thought it was important to just lay it all on the table and be transparent about my situation. When I was offered the job, I again mentioned that we were in the process of adopting a child and was told that this fact couldn't be factored into their decision on who to hire. Prior to applying for the job I did some research about the option of taking a parental leave shortly after being hired. I thought I was in a position to be able to negotiate taking a leave of absence.
After accepting the position I did some additional research. It turns out that the information I was given was incorrect. Labor laws state that one must be in continuous employment with the same employer for at least 7 months to take parental leave and be guaranteed a job at the end. Well that doesn't sit well with me since I sincerely hope that I won't be waiting another 7 months before becoming a mom and I really don't want to have to give up this permanent position.
Apparently I can still try to negotiate being granted parental leave earlier than the 7 months, but this means you need to be working in an environment where the human resources department has half a heart. I do not work in such a place. In fact, the HR department of my employer is known to be unlike any other.....and not in a good way.
By having that awkward conversation on my first day of work, my hope was to get my supervisor on my side. He was very supportive of the adoption. He acknowledged the difficulties many have with HR. And he did say that he would look into it and see what he could do for me. I'm really doubtful that things will work out in my favor...but I guess you never know.
But this whole situation plays with my mind. I've found myself hoping that we don't hear from our agency for awhile so that I can clock in more time at this job. But thinking that way doesn't sit well with the part of me that really wants a child. I know that we have options with this parental leave. D could take the first part of it and then I take the later part, after putting in the 7 months. That certainly isn't ideal for many reasons. I feel like I have given up so much already in our journey to have a family and this is just one more kick in the ass. It sure sucks to continually face more unknowns.
Just one more mountain to climb in the ongoing expedition that has become my life.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
my life is a mental game
I've been playing a mental game for some time now. The months of April to June exactly one year ago marks our process of gathering adoption related paperwork and completing adoption related tasks. We were so naïve one year ago. When we were told by our Canadian agency that it took about 3 months to complete the home study, we did the math. When we were told by our American agency that placements for African American babies often happen very quickly, even within 1-2 months, we did the math. The part of the equation that we weren't aware of was how long the approvals would take in each country and how long we would end up waiting. So now that we have started to experience one year "anniversaries" of the paperwork gathering and task completion, my life has become a mental game.
One year ago in May I was convinced that we would have a family by now. As I attended regular yearly functions and events I thought about how my life would be different next year which might mean I didn't attend that particular event. And yet here I sit, still childless and able to attend these functions and events. But each time I do I have to play the game. I have to mentally prepare myself for the emotions that surface as I am continually reminded that I do not have a family. That 12 months of life have passed without much changing in mine. That I have lost much hope and optimism.
Today was one of those days. Had my game face on.
One year ago in May I was convinced that we would have a family by now. As I attended regular yearly functions and events I thought about how my life would be different next year which might mean I didn't attend that particular event. And yet here I sit, still childless and able to attend these functions and events. But each time I do I have to play the game. I have to mentally prepare myself for the emotions that surface as I am continually reminded that I do not have a family. That 12 months of life have passed without much changing in mine. That I have lost much hope and optimism.
Today was one of those days. Had my game face on.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
who shot my tigger?
At the beginning of the year I was focused on choosing a Tigger filled kind of life.
...someone shot my Tigger.
And Eeyore has moved in.
...someone shot my Tigger.
And Eeyore has moved in.
Monday, March 23, 2009
adoption advertisement
I recently came across an ad put out by an American adoption agency that disturbed me greatly. This is a Christian agency and this is what their ad said:
This ad then insinuates that it was God’s plan for there to be war and destruction in this world so families are broken apart.
It was God’s plan for families to live in poverty that they relinquish rights to their children because they can’t care for them.
It was God’s plan for babies to be stolen from their families so the corrupt of this world can make a profit.
It was God’s plan that AIDS would claim the lives of parents so that their children would be available for adoption.
It was God’s plan that profound pain and loss would come to others so that us in adoption can gain.
I do not believe in this kind of God. I believe that God hurts when a child is orphaned or relinquished. I also believe that God works to bring people and circumstances together which is how adoption happens. I also believe that He can heal the hurt and loss. (This doesn’t mean it is forgotten).
Ads like this and other Christianese adoption language makes me cringe. I love the Lord deeply and know without a doubt that He has guided us along this journey, but I will not distort God’s character to make adoption all sunshine and roses. Instead I hope to have enough strength to face the tough stuff in adoption head on, all the while asking God for wisdom and guidance.
And I will be writing this agency a letter letting them know what I think about their ad.
Adoption was God’s idea. We just decided to get in on a good thing.As a prospective adoptive parent I am appalled. As a Christian I am appalled.
This ad then insinuates that it was God’s plan for there to be war and destruction in this world so families are broken apart.
It was God’s plan for families to live in poverty that they relinquish rights to their children because they can’t care for them.
It was God’s plan for babies to be stolen from their families so the corrupt of this world can make a profit.
It was God’s plan that AIDS would claim the lives of parents so that their children would be available for adoption.
It was God’s plan that profound pain and loss would come to others so that us in adoption can gain.
I do not believe in this kind of God. I believe that God hurts when a child is orphaned or relinquished. I also believe that God works to bring people and circumstances together which is how adoption happens. I also believe that He can heal the hurt and loss. (This doesn’t mean it is forgotten).
Ads like this and other Christianese adoption language makes me cringe. I love the Lord deeply and know without a doubt that He has guided us along this journey, but I will not distort God’s character to make adoption all sunshine and roses. Instead I hope to have enough strength to face the tough stuff in adoption head on, all the while asking God for wisdom and guidance.
And I will be writing this agency a letter letting them know what I think about their ad.
Monday, March 2, 2009
another month passes by
The beginning of every new month is really hard for me. It means that yet another month has passed by and no change in my life. Every month I wonder, is this the month?
I feel like a fool. We thought our file would reach the American agency much sooner than it did - there were unexpected delays and procedures that we weren't privy to at the beginning of the process. Had we known how long this waiting time would have been we wouldn't have shared our plans to adopt with our larger circle when we did. And because we knew that our approval process in the States could have been expedited if there was a potential match I also had to inform my employer of my plans to leave work sooner rather than latter. They are really the last people in my circle that I wanted to share our future plans with but it was necessary. My employer has been supportive and they've got everything ready to go for when I take parental leave. But I feel so foolish...I gave notice of my upcoming need for a leave in September and it's now March. I also feel foolish for falling for the agency's expected time lines. They all told us that our wait wouldn't be that long, that generally when you're open to race things move quite quickly. I guess we were really too optimistic. I don't know why the length of waiting should surprise me really, not a lot has ever come easily for me so why should this be any different. But I had hoped.
Will March be THE month? Possibly. But I'm preparing myself that it might not be and that this month too will pass by.
I feel like a fool. We thought our file would reach the American agency much sooner than it did - there were unexpected delays and procedures that we weren't privy to at the beginning of the process. Had we known how long this waiting time would have been we wouldn't have shared our plans to adopt with our larger circle when we did. And because we knew that our approval process in the States could have been expedited if there was a potential match I also had to inform my employer of my plans to leave work sooner rather than latter. They are really the last people in my circle that I wanted to share our future plans with but it was necessary. My employer has been supportive and they've got everything ready to go for when I take parental leave. But I feel so foolish...I gave notice of my upcoming need for a leave in September and it's now March. I also feel foolish for falling for the agency's expected time lines. They all told us that our wait wouldn't be that long, that generally when you're open to race things move quite quickly. I guess we were really too optimistic. I don't know why the length of waiting should surprise me really, not a lot has ever come easily for me so why should this be any different. But I had hoped.
Will March be THE month? Possibly. But I'm preparing myself that it might not be and that this month too will pass by.
Monday, February 23, 2009
did we get it wrong?
Seven years ago D and I made the decision to move to the States for him to go to grad school. This was a huge decision. My father had just passed away 6 months earlier and I couldn't imagine leaving my family. Plus, the whole idea of him changing his career so dramatically didn't seem to make much sense. But yet, I knew that it was right for us to go. I often make decisions intuitively. And this decision for both of us was all intuition, there wasn't a ton of logic in it.
After moving we faced challenge after challenge right from the beginning. From not finding an apartment for 2 months to challenges with obtaining driver's licenses and Social Security Numbers to cockroaches, we felt like we came up against walls time and time again. I so clearly remember the day D was at the grocery store and he couldn't find his favorite cereal (cereal is a big deal to D!). It was a day filled with much frustration and to then discover that the US didn't make this particular brand of cereal threw him over the edge. We can laugh about it now but at the time it was quite a big deal! Both D and I wondered if we had made the right decision to move. Did we get it wrong? Was all this frustration a sign? Making the decision to actually move was hard but in the end wasn't the hardest part. The hard part was the process of living in a different country.
I've been feeling the same way about our decision to adopt a child. Dealing with the infertility and looking at our options to have a family wasn't the hard part. I have enough friends that have walked this road ahead of me to have a different perspective. I started researching adoption options fairly quickly after our fertility investigations. But ever since we signed the adoption application form our process has been filled with drama. I do think that most adoptions are riddled with drama and frustration, however ours seems to have gone over the edge with issues. And after the latest set of problems I'm left wondering if we got it all wrong. Are all the barriers a sign?
Our time spent living in the States ended up being one of the most life giving experiences D and I have ever had. We grew in ways unimaginable. We made some unforgettable memories. That time...the good and the bad...shaped who we are today...and we wouldn't change any of it. (Well, maybe the cockroaches!).
My prayer is that our adoption experience in the end will be life giving and that the struggles along the way will only have proved to make us better parents. D and I have proven that we can advocate for ourselves. Perhaps this whole nightmare experience is preparing us for the ways we will need to advocate for our future child.
After moving we faced challenge after challenge right from the beginning. From not finding an apartment for 2 months to challenges with obtaining driver's licenses and Social Security Numbers to cockroaches, we felt like we came up against walls time and time again. I so clearly remember the day D was at the grocery store and he couldn't find his favorite cereal (cereal is a big deal to D!). It was a day filled with much frustration and to then discover that the US didn't make this particular brand of cereal threw him over the edge. We can laugh about it now but at the time it was quite a big deal! Both D and I wondered if we had made the right decision to move. Did we get it wrong? Was all this frustration a sign? Making the decision to actually move was hard but in the end wasn't the hardest part. The hard part was the process of living in a different country.
I've been feeling the same way about our decision to adopt a child. Dealing with the infertility and looking at our options to have a family wasn't the hard part. I have enough friends that have walked this road ahead of me to have a different perspective. I started researching adoption options fairly quickly after our fertility investigations. But ever since we signed the adoption application form our process has been filled with drama. I do think that most adoptions are riddled with drama and frustration, however ours seems to have gone over the edge with issues. And after the latest set of problems I'm left wondering if we got it all wrong. Are all the barriers a sign?
Our time spent living in the States ended up being one of the most life giving experiences D and I have ever had. We grew in ways unimaginable. We made some unforgettable memories. That time...the good and the bad...shaped who we are today...and we wouldn't change any of it. (Well, maybe the cockroaches!).
My prayer is that our adoption experience in the end will be life giving and that the struggles along the way will only have proved to make us better parents. D and I have proven that we can advocate for ourselves. Perhaps this whole nightmare experience is preparing us for the ways we will need to advocate for our future child.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
cautiously optimistic
Thank you for all the kind words of support and thoughts and prayers. Keep it up...we still need it.
Friday, February 6, 2009
i need your help
I think I am about to go crazy in this waiting period! We were set up by our agency to think that our waiting time would be very quick. Well, that of course depends on what your definition of quick is. I know that many times this agency places children within a couple of months. Even though we haven't been waiting a really long time yet, I'm still struggling. When you are given certain expectations it is hard to let them go.
First off, I am very aware of all the ethical dilemmas associated with newborn adoptions and I wouldn't agree to a quick unethical situation. I am simply wondering how I am going to survive this wait...this unknown period of time. It is so hard to live in the unknown. The unknown where you have no control. Totally sucks.
This is where I need your help. How would you survive a waiting period in the land of unknown? What would you do with your head and hands? I would love to just hibernate until it is all over but that doesn't seem possible (although it is cold enough here to give hibernating a reasonable try!). I need some suggestions on how to get through this time. I even need you lurkers to provide some strategies! All ideas and suggestions are welcome.
Help!
First off, I am very aware of all the ethical dilemmas associated with newborn adoptions and I wouldn't agree to a quick unethical situation. I am simply wondering how I am going to survive this wait...this unknown period of time. It is so hard to live in the unknown. The unknown where you have no control. Totally sucks.
This is where I need your help. How would you survive a waiting period in the land of unknown? What would you do with your head and hands? I would love to just hibernate until it is all over but that doesn't seem possible (although it is cold enough here to give hibernating a reasonable try!). I need some suggestions on how to get through this time. I even need you lurkers to provide some strategies! All ideas and suggestions are welcome.
Help!
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