back to the beginning...

Clearly I suck at keeping promises.

Anyway.

Baby S is now 11 months. Hard to believe that so much time has passed already. She has changed so much over the past year and so has our family life.

But here is some of the nitty gritty...

Shortly after her arrival what I found most difficult is the way a parent with a new baby "chooses sides" so to speak with multiple kids. I had watched many a friend deal with their first born child in frustration, anger, tears, etc. once the second babe arrived. All a normal reaction considering the extreme lack of sleep and helpless nature of the baby versus toddler.

When we were an only child family, I remember being witness to events such as the above and thanking the Lord that we wouldn't have to walk those steps. T's entry into our lives was so significant on so many levels and I had fallen into such a deep love for him that I didn't want to experience the extra frustration and anxiety directed at him due to a new baby in the house. There were plenty of reasons just due to his toddlerhood to be frustrated with him and a baby would only add another layer.

When baby S arrived, T was 2 1/2 years old and ripe with 3 year old behaviour. All in all, he adjusted to her presence fairly well, it was his just being almost 3 that was the difficulty. Over spring, summer, and fall we experienced daily tantrums and all the other typical what-alien-invaded-you behaviour that the age of 3 brings. It was not a pretty sight.

I battled with my emotions while being in a sleep deprived state, never sure what to do with him, and usually reacting on the fly which meant mostly anger directed at T. I was frustrated with this helpless baby and how her arrival caused me to be so emotionally charged with my first child. My anger had to come out somehow and I had enough wits about me to not direct it at S, so T became the logical answer. Plus, what was causing me frustration was him just being him. I felt guilty because T was the one that I knew and had loved for over 2 years yet he was the one experiencing my poor parenting. I felt that without a new baby I would have been able to develop more sound strategies to deal with his charged behaviour and help him through it. But I did none of that. Instead I ranted and raved while he did the same. We were a mess.

I had become an angry person. And I hurt because I was angry at this little boy who held such a strong hold on my heart.

I'm thankful for the fact that the weather was nice and I have a great hubby who took our son outside to the park daily while I stayed inside breastfeeding....and breastfeeding. I was also able to retain childcare for T two days a week for the first 5 months which was a huge lifesaver. And I am here to say, 11 months later, that life with two kids does get better. 

But that was hard.

I find that most moms don't talk about these sort of difficulties. I witnessed them as an outsider, so I know they exist, but no one really articulates the experience. People do talk about how hard it is with two kids but then usually quickly turn to rainbows and butterflies about giving the first a sibling.

I honestly get why some people choose to have an only child. For me this was part of the choice. It is hard to look at the child you have longed years to hold, only to and yell and shout at him as he demonstrates over and over why the age of 3 sucks.

Someday. When he is old enough to fully understand, I will apologize to him for this year. (I do tell him sorry when over-reacting etc. but what I mean here is a deeper understanding of sorry). I will look into those stunning brown eyes and apologize for how I wasn't able to keep it together and use this experience as a life lesson for both of us.

her name

I've frequently posted about naming a child since this is a much thought about process in adoption land. This is not to say that bio parents don't think intentionally about naming a child. But those of us who adopt a child need to think differently about naming...considering many of us never get to actually use a name.

Before we met baby T we had a girls name picked out. And for the life of me I can't remember how we picked that name. D and I still loved this girls name, so baby S it was. Now for the middle name.

When we thought about naming baby T we were quite intentional when thinking about options. So I also wanted to be intentional about naming this baby girl. This was an interesting thing for me to ponder considering I was in such a crazy state of mind at the time. But yet I was aware enough to know that this was important.

Baby S means...guardian or protected by God. Again, can't remember how we picked this name but I think it's interesting considering that over the course of my pregnancy I do believe she was guarded by God.

I thought really hard about her middle name. Not only did it need to go nicely with the first, it also needed to mean something special. I googled and searched for unigue names where the meaning was along the lines of being filled with joy. Even though I was struggling with this pregnancy and the thought of having another child, I knew this baby would bring us intense joy in the future. I knew this in my head but not yet in my heart. For that to occur I needed to meet her.

No unique names stood out for me, so plain old Joy it was. And the more I thought about it, the more I fell in love with this simple name and its deep meaning. D still wasn't convinced and after her birth we continued to argue discuss this name. In the end I won out as I pulled the "I just pushed a watermelon out of a pinhole" card!

And I love it. Her full name means protected by God and a deep feeling of great delight.

365 days

This was the week. One year ago I found out I was pregnant.

The year has been filled with many emotions. Actually I've likely felt all emotions possible. It's been interesting pondering the past year while looking at the beautiful little lady who entered my life four months ago.

I will not deny what the past has meant and how it has played a role in my present state of mind. I will never sugar coat what I felt one year ago and the process I went through. That was real.

However. Life has clearly moved on and baby S has arrived. I'm now knee deep in diapers, breastfeeding, and spit-up. Not to mention the daily discipline my almost three year old requires. Most days I'm just managing to survive and little time is spent pondering the past or even the future. These days we're mostly living in the present.

So 365 days later, there are a few things I know for sure. Baby S has captured my heart and soul...the road to get here was not easy...but it has refined and deepened my character and that should serve me well.

stork #2

In fall 2009, the stork made a much needed appearance.

Stork #2 just arrived with a bundle wrapped in pink on April 5th, 2012.

Baby S is now safe and sound at home and all are adjusting to life as a family of four.