celebrity status

T is a celebrity.

Well. He is a celebrity of sorts in our neighbourhood.

As mentioned previously, last spring/summer/fall, T and his daddy spent almost every late afternoon/early evening at our neighbourhood park.

And then. People who were strangers to me would call to T from across the street while walking by our house. I would finally figure out that these were park parents and kids. That made sense to me.

On T's first day of preschool, located in our neighbourhood, he was greeted by a parent I have never seen or heard of. He was greeted. Not me. When I gave her a questioning look, she explained something about knowing so-and-so who played at the park this summer.

That was when I started to realize that our family has a bit of a celebrity status in our small community. We live in a predominantly white neighbourhood. Our city is diverse but our local area isn't. T has multiple friends of color and we have sought out other environments that are diverse, but here, in our neighbourhood, he is noticed.

The way people notice him and us isn't in a negative way. People are all very kind and polite. It helps that T is quite the looker and has a fun out-going personality when around other kids. But it kind of bugs me. It's the idea that people think they know him and us because the way our family looks stands out. 

T is too young to figure out his stardom. I'm imagining some interesting conversations in our future about this. And I wonder what this summer at the park will be like as T's baby sister toddles after him. Because we are now one of "those" families, who has a bio kid after an adoption, which makes us stand out even more.

I'm just glad T is an easy-going kid and doesn't let too much get to him. Right now, he'll just bask in the pure joy of having a bunch of kids happy to see him and go play.

ready?

It is officially 2 weeks until my due date and everyone wants to know if I'm ready.

I guess it depends on what one means by "ready." The baby room isn't ready. I don't have a hospital bag packed. No diapers. But we finally got an infant car seat 2 weeks ago. 

The answer is yes and no.

I do not want to be pregnant any longer...well...I didn't want to be pregnant 8 months ago either!

But I am not ready for a newborn to exist in my household once again. Sort of freaking out over that one. Especially since this time around I'm dealing with a super duper active 2 year old at the same time.

I have very vivid memories of life with a new baby. Since I thought that baby T would be my only newborn experience I worked extra hard to be present in every moment. So now to think about re-living some of that does not excite me. I believe that you can't ever be fully prepared for life with a baby, but I'm feeling like my prepared-ness pendulum has swung to the other extreme. Still sort of living in denial about this whole new baby business.

So right now it works for me to not give it a lot of thought. I know a baby is coming...and rather soon. Instead of spending too much head space on this right now, I'll work it through once baby is here.

In the meantime I think I'll go get my bag packed...

a swollen heart

I have had many opportunities during this holiday season to sit back and observe my son.

I have watched him be silly, laugh, give hugs and kisses, be sweet, share, build, and deconstruct. It has been a good holiday season for our little family.

As my heart was swelling with the intense love I have for this child, I was very struck by the fact that I am so privileged and honoured to be able to parent this remarkable little boy. God weaved our lives and J's together, and the result was that we became T's forever family. But as much as I can't imagine my life without T, I'm aware that life could have turned out differently for all of us. 

All the choices we had to make when starting the adoption process --- to adopt in the first place, which agency, location, age, etc. all played a role in God's weaving process. And of course, all the huge decisions J had to make regarding her son and the future. 

The idea that a stranger has entrusted their child to you is a mind blowing thing. Something that you never take lightly and will always be a part of you.

My heart is so full of love for this little boy. A love that is hard to articulate to others who haven't walked a similar journey. It is a love that transcends biology and genetics, a love that always recognizes the honour, privilege, and blessing. And a love that remembers the journey of all triad members.

My heart is swollen.

confession friday - stalker version

I confess that I have been stalker-ish.

T and I attend a lovely play group. I'll usually go with a friend so we can chat while the kids are running crazy. All of the mom's at this group were strangers to me and it's a big group - it's open 4 days a week.

The play group is held in the sanctuary of our new church. They move all the chairs and set out amazing and wonderful toys. It is here that I chatted with a volunteer mom about their church and after that discussion D and I have been attending ever since. During that initial discussion I was told of a family that also attends the church with a black mom, white dad, and 2 biracial kids....and then she showed up at the play group later.

I have been stalking her ever since!

Let me explain.

She is lovely and her son appeared to be T's age so I have noticed her at church and play group. I've tried to encourage T's playing in the direction of where her son is but those of you who know my son, know that getting him to play in one spot is impossible. Then one day at the end of play group she was standing by the door, I said "bye" and she said "see you on Sunday." I was shocked. She had noticed me! So I stopped and we chatted for a bit and I found out that her son is 3 weeks younger then T. Perfect!

At church I have also exhibited stalker-ish behaviours as I'm the one bringing T back to kids church and I make sure I bump into every black mom that is doing the same. Pathetic I know.

I've chatted with the mom first met at play group a few times during church now. We even met up at play group together on purpose and chatted for awhile. And last Sunday after church she extended a future invitation to their house for lunch.

I joke about the stalker thing but there is some truth in that statement. If D and I are truly going to meet new families of color to invest in and hopefully have invest in us then we need to be intentional. This means going out of our way and comfortable bubble to meet people. Not all will develop into relationships with meaning but I hope some will.

I do have a very good feeling about the family from church that we have met. And I really hope that we can develop a friendship. 

And maybe someday I'll tell her about how I stalked her...

church shopping

I hesitate using the "church shopping" title given its negative connotations and very individualistic approach. However, let's call a spade a spade as that is exactly what D and I have been doing.

For a variety of reasons we took a year off of going to church. The break was important for us but it's now time to go back. Since we were not going to go back to our previous church we had an opportunity to look around. Get a sense of what's out there beyond our own denomination. The driving force in our hunt for a new church was diversity. Within minutes of entering a service I knew if we would be coming back or not. If one scan of the gathering resulted in a sea of white faces we would not be returning.

We tried a number of churches recommended to us because of potential diversity. One even had a pastor from Jamaica. But overwhelmingly the chairs were filled with white people. Honestly, I was ready to give up.

I must mention here that there are a number of churches filled with refugee and recent immigrant families. I work with newcomers in our city and love the many opportunities I have to interact and serve this population. When looking for a new church I am being selfish. Newcomer families experience many barriers when in a new country, immediate needs that I am well aware of. In looking for a church we are searching for us, for our needs. Selfish I know. Some parts of being a transracial family require this. There are times when we need to put T and our family first.

We are hoping to invest in and develop relationships with black families who have a certain sense of stability and are able to invest in our lives.

I had all but given up hope in our quest for a diverse church, when as a last resort I asked some questions to a women I was only trying to make conversation with. I thought why not ask...but I know what the answer will be as this community area appears quite white. I was slightly shocked (I'm sure my face showed it) when she told me that there was diversity in the church which included some black families with kids around T's age as well as a Hispanic population.

So we tried it out.

I did the scan...and smiled.

The church is still largely white but there are a number of black young adults, families, and older adults. More than any other church we've attended.

We've now been attending this church for a month and this last week noticed another black family with a boy who looks to be just a bit younger than T. I get little goose bumps thinking about potential opportunities to get to know these families. 

I think we found our church. This search was less about the preaching, singing, programs, community area and more about creating opportunities for T and our family. Now the harder part begins...working to intentionally get to know these families and hopefully develop relationships in the future.

gratitude

A good friend of mine took family photos of us shortly after T turned one year old. It was mid-September and the day was gorgeous. I know my friend is a good photographer (she took T's baby pictures as well) so I was expecting some great photos.

But what she showed me blew me away. They are stunning.

I have watched the slideshow of all our pictures countless times and each time I am struck with feelings of privilege, gratitude, and blessing. I've been thinking about all of this for at least a week and still have a hard time even articulating what it is that I feel to myself, but I'm going to give it a try.

I sometimes wonder if, as an adoptive mom, my experience and feelings of motherhood basics are somewhat different from a biological mom. I know that at times I definitely have a different perspective on motherhood -- waiting and working so hard to become something that many take forgranted will do that. But what I am referring to here is different.

I feel an intense sense of privilege at having been given the opportunity to parent this remarkable little boy. And in this context I am referring to privilege as an honor and pleasure. As I look at our family photos I wonder how it is that I am so fortunate to be allowed to watch T grow up and develop. I am still struck by the fact that I am his mom and have the potential to greatly impact his life.

The key concept here is opportunity. Having a family wasn't assumed or a given. Entering motherhood via adoption brings with it a sense of awe. We were chosen. A stranger decided that we would parent their child. An amazing set of circumstances made becoming a mom possible.

There is a depth and richness to what I am feeling that I'm not sure I can ever fully explain. I am so incredibly grateful for T's presence in my life. After experiencing 18 months of loss, the joy motherhood has granted me is indescribable.

The photos tell part of our story. And to me it's a beautiful moment. A moment of privilege, blessing, and gratitude.

And to my photographer friend (you know who you are!)...I am also grateful for you and your willingness to share your time and talent. Thank you.

I will post a few of my favourite photos on T's private blog. If you want access, leave a comment or send me an email, letting me know who you are.

absenteeism

I have been absent from the blogging world. Not only is this the longest time I have gone without posting, I am also hopelessly behind in blog reading.

Life has been busy. I went back to work on October 4th.

Balance is now the name of the game. Finding the time to clean, cook, play, and rest. Thank goodness I am only working part-time.

As October loomed I was asked many times how I was feeling going back to work after being home with T. It was a hard question to answer without having experienced what it looks and feels like to work outside the home after becoming a mom. I can now say with confidence that I absolutely love being back at work. From day one it just felt right. I love my job and I love my co-workers. And I love the small break from diapers, naps, and snacks.

Baby T's experience of me going back to work has been less than stellar. He is in a home daycare located just two doors down from us on the same street (how convenient!). Day one at daycare was great. Day two and onward has resulted in hours and hours of wailing and screaming. Our little one is quite persistent. One day, he was so exhausted from crying he fell asleep in the middle of the floor with all the other kids playing around him. Poor baby!

This week he did a bit better. And I know that every week will continue to improve. T's separation anxiety is completely normal, and in a small way it's sort of nice to know that I am missed and am important.

And even though dropping him off tugs at the heartstrings, especially when he cries the silent cry, I still love being back at work. I know he's in good hands and I know that in the end spending some time outside the house will be best for both him and me.

Now that I have a month of this "working mom" thing under my belt, I hope to do a better job of regularly showing up in the blogging world.

wordless wednesday

the birthday party

On the weekend we celebrated T's first birthday with family and close friends...BBQ style. It was a fantastic day and the weather even cooperated. In total, 32 people (including kids) celebrated baby T's first life. We are blessed with wonderful family and fabulous friends.

The cake. It took me at least 20 hours to create this safari cake! And WAY more time was spent conceiving the idea! After a few moments of panic (an icing issue, fondant bubbles, drooping giraffe, and running out of time) it all came together perfectly. Just as I had imagined! The cake flavours were; chocolate with swiss meringue buttercream, white with milk chocolate buttercream, and carrot with cream cheese buttercream. All yummy! And in case you're wondering about the animals...each was handmade by yours truly...and each took 1 1/2 hours to create!

T and his smash cake!


He didn't try a bite of cake but he sure "smashed" it!

What an awesome day. Now I've got 364 days to plan the next one!

why i don't like the word "gotcha"

"Gotcha Day" is a day celebrated by adoptive families to recognize the day their child entered the family.

Today is the day, one year ago, that we took custody of T and he came home (to the hotel) with us. Around 2:00 pm we all left the hospital together. D and I put the car seat holding T in our car. J and her case worker got into a different car. And we each went our respective ways. That day was full of so much joy and sorrow.

I'm not sure I can celebrate this day in the way that "gotcha" implies. When we "got him"...J "lost him". Yes, I am fully aware that she signed paperwork to relinquish parental rights...blah, blah, blah. But I still don't doubt that to walk out of the hospital without her son was very difficult, no matter what her reasons for placement were. The words "gotcha day" seems very adoptive parent-centered, and gives little thought to the life that was left behind for the adoptee and the significance of the day for his/her first mom. We, as adoptive parents often choose to spend more time thinking about our joy and blessing and how to celebrate...after all we are the ones who gained.

In a recent issue of Adoptive Families magazine an article was written on this very topic. The author, an adoptive mother, wrote,

I find the use of "gotcha" to describe the act of adoption both astonishing and offensive. Aside from being parent-centered ("C'mere, little orphan, I gotcha now!") it smacks of acquiring a possession, not welcoming a new person into your life."

Her language may be viewed as harsh but I think she brings up an important point. I already need to battle comments that imply I placed an order at Babies R Us to get a cute black baby, so why would I encourage words that suggest something similar.

Some argue that celebrating "gotcha day" normalizes adoption and the ways in which our families have been created. However, I have to wonder if pointing out this day has the opposite effect. Once T entered our family we became, in a sense, plain ole regular parents. Do families created by biology celebrate similar days? Is there a "conception day"? The world will always remind us that we are an adoptive family and celebrating this day in a monumental way is just another way to point out how we are different.

T will know his adoptive story and will be familiar with how he entered our family. D and I will initiate discussion and be open to his promptings about his story throughout the year. Do we really need to mark today as the day we "got him?" I realize that our story of a newborn adoption where we took custody two days after birth is different from an international adoption, but in both instances I am uncomfortable with using "gotcha."

This is a hotly debated topic. Read through the comments to the AF article to get a sense of how much, but note that the vast majority of comments are from adoptive parents. Take a poke around some adoptee or first mom blogs and you'll find a different perspective. Most things in adoption are driven by emotion. We become quite passionate about our stance or way of doing things. In the end, whether or not adoptive families choose to celebrate the day their child entered the family, the other triad members must be acknowledged. All members.

To celebrate the way our family was united using the word "gotcha" cheapens it in a way for me. Perhaps there are better words to use that mark the moment adoptive families are created.

12 months old

Baby T is 12 months old.

It was one year ago today that we met him. We met the little boy who would become our son. We looked into those eyes and wondered what life would be like.

One year later I can look back and say without a doubt that this has been an incredible journey. Full of diapers, crying, feeding, teething, sleeplessness...and I wouldn't change a thing.

I've heard moms mention feelings of nostalgia at a year. Looking at the small cute baby clothes and newborn pictures often brings up thoughts of what once was. I don't feel that in the same way. Perhaps it is because I have intentionally tried to imprint upon my memory what each new stage was like. In all likelihood T will be my only child and I wanted to savor and remember each moment as best as I could.

But there is also another reason that feelings of nostalgia haven't surfaced. It is only now that I am feeling more like a mom. T's mom. I see T look at me when trying something new. He looks at me to see if what he is touching is okay. He stays by me for a moment when in a new situation. He holds on to my leg when he's not sure or when he wants to be close. He raises his arms up towards me to be picked up. He wraps his arms around my neck, hugs me hard, and gives me kisses. And he toddles towards me smiling the most incredible smile that lights up his beautiful eyes.

I count it a privilege to be granted the opportunity to watch this remarkable little boy grow up. To see his personality take shape. It's not about nature versus nurture but rather nature and nurture. T will always be part of J and part of me.

So at one year I feel incredibly blessed. This little boy has filled my heart with joy. As I continue to work on understanding my identity as "mom", I will delight in each new stage and development that I get to be a part of.

oh canada

T is an American Citizen (always will be). D and I are Canadian. Since T is not our biological child, we have had to engage in the permanent residency paperwork process to allow him all the same privileges we have in Canada. When we entered the country with T in September 2009 he was considered a "visitor."

The permanent residency process requires:

• sponsorship application
• permanent residency application
  
• adoption paperwork
• immigration medical completed by an approved physician
• 4 photos (like a passport photo)
  
• proof of adoption finalization
• letter of no objection from our province
• American passport
• original and new birth certificates

It took us 8 months to compile all the required documents, as we needed to wait for finalization paperwork and his new birth certificate.

After another 2 months of waiting we finally got word last week that the permanent residency process was complete. The last step, unbeknown to us, was to leave the country and when we re-entered T's permanent residency status would be validated.

So on Saturday, August 21st, we took an impromptu trip south (did some shopping) and returned with a permanent resident of Canada! The Immigration Officer was so pleasant and we were even able to get a picture of him with T holding a Canadian flag.

We're so very glad to be finished with that process.

Next step...Canadian Citizenship paperwork...

hair and skin care 101

This week I attended an information session on how to care for black hair and skin at a local salon (this is where I take T). It was so informative and I am amazed at how I continue to learn new information on how to care for T's hair. Once I think I've got it I come across information that suggests otherwise.

T's hair regime is by far the question that friends and family ask the most often. So for those of you reading...here is the current plan.

The Basics:

• T is bathed twice a week.
• Hair is washed once a week because it is so dry. This includes shampoo, wash-out conditioner, leave-in conditioner, and lastly a spray moisturizer.
• On non-wash days we wet T's hair and then spray it with a moisturizer.
• A wide tooth comb is used to comb through T's hair. And his hair absolutely must be wet for us to comb it.
• Anytime T's hair gets really wet we're supposed to use the spray moisturizer.
• When swimming in a chlorinated pool we put the leave-in conditioner in his hair and when drying off we spray it with the moisturizer. When swimming in a non-chlorinated pool we just need to use the spray afterward.
• To care for his skin we lotion him up every morning and evening. Lately I've been using shea butter on his knees because they are quite beat up from him crawling around in shorts.

The Products:
We use Peek-A-Boo Tearless Shampoo from It's A Curl! to wash T's hair. This little bottle set us back $15 (Canadian) but at the time we didn't know what else to get and since this product is made specifically for babies we decided to purchase it (and others from the same line). The shampoo works really nicely and it's easy to wash out of the hair. Since T's hair is short we don't end up using very much.

Once this little bottle is empty we will purchase a decent regular shampoo as we have since learned that what you wash/condition the hair with is not necessarily as important as what you leave in the hair.


T's leave-in conditioner Patty Cake Conditioner is from the same It's A Curl! line. Again, an expensive little bottle but since we are only washing/conditioning once a week we use very little. Once this is empty we'll purchase a regular conditioner.








The last product we use from the It's A Curl! line is the Ring Around The Curlies leave-in conditioner. I really like this product as it leaves T's hair smelling quite nice. However, I've since learned that this leave-in isn't thick enough for the texture of T's hair so I need to start using a lot more.

Once this product is finished I'll be on the hunt for an appropriate leave-in that will work well with T's hair. This will be something that would never work in a white child's hair as it will be way too heavy. I will be consulting T's hairdresser when we get to this point!



The last product we use in T's four product regime on wash days (this kid has more hair products than I do!) is the Braid Sheen Spray from African Gold. This product was recommended by T's hairdresser and we were able to pick this up at Wal-Mart. Any sort of moisturizing and conditioning product made for black hair will work. This product we use daily.







At the information session I learned that we need to add another product to T's weekly regime. A hair/scalp conditioner or otherwise known as "oiling your scalp". We haven't purchased this product yet and the sample we have to try isn't from African Gold. I can't remember the name of our sample oil product but once again I'll be speaking with T's hairdresser for more info on this. I'm not sure if we're supposed to use this product on his wash day or pick a different day of the week.




Can't stress how important it is to find a hairdresser who knows and understands black hair. T's hairdresser is the same woman who held the information session and I've been getting to know her a little bit. It was really important to me that T's hair was cut by someone with brown skin and I'm so pleased with the salon that we have found.

I did ask about learning how to cut T's hair myself since if we keep it short he will need a cut every 4-6 weeks. But as someone beside me in the session said...I wouldn't cut a biological child's hair on my own so why would I try to cut my adoptive child's hair? Very true.

So there you have it. Hair and skin care 101!

why are you brown?

D and I recently visited the zoo with baby T (his first time). D was holding T near a play area and was approached by a child.

Child: Why did you get a brown one and not a white one?

D: (not sure what to say)

Child: Why is he brown?

D (smiling pleasantly): Why are you white?

Child: I was made that way.

D: Yeah. You're white because you were made that way. And he is brown because he was made that way.

Child's parent joins the conversation.

Parent: You were made white and you are perfect just like he was made brown and he is perfect too.

Child goes back to playing.

The questions have begun...

full disclosure?

When and where do I disclose verbally that T is adopted? From our skin color I think it is quite obvious that I did not birth this child but do I need to name it in public?

Way back (it feels like forever ago!) right after T was born people would peek into his car seat or the snuggly wrap and comment on his cuteness. We replied "yep, we adopted him x days ago." I think this was a way for us to wrap our brains around the fact that he was indeed ours and that this whole adoption thing had really happened. And because his skin color did not "match" ours it seemed sort of obvious to us that we had adopted him so why not say it.

It didn't take long and I realized that responding this way impeded me from really feeling like his mom. Every time I immediately disclosed the fact that he was adopted I also negated my role as his parent as well as the fact that he is a permanent part of our family. So I stopped doing it.

I have two recent examples of when I did disclose his adoption and afterward wondered if I had needed to name it.

At Gymboree (with baby T):
I'm looking at the sale rack which has some killer deals on pants for a two year old. I wonder if I should get them because who knows what size and shape T will be in two years. But I have a really hard time passing on a super deal. After all he will need pants when he's two. So I start chatting with the sales clerk...

Me: Are the height and weight measurements on the pants usually pretty accurate in general?

Salesclerk: Usually.

Me: I'm wondering about the length. He's pretty long right now.

Salesclerk: But you're not that tall...how tall is his dad?

Me: Oh, he's adopted and I have limited information about his first parents.

So. Should I have disclosed his adoption? Or was it okay for her to think he was my biological child? Should I have answered her question with D's height? But isn't that misleading? Since I will continue to shop in this store does that justify my mentioning his adoption? What if we were in a different store where I knew I would never be back?

At a continuing education event on infant nutrition (without baby T):
I'm sitting beside a colleague and my family doctor (it was so weird to see her out of context and then have her sit right beside me!). Breastfeeding is the topic of discussion. My doctor knows of my original intentions to induce lactation and the measures I took last year. My colleague overhears an insider comment to my doctor and asks me if I tried the protocol. Since I have no issues with discussing this and especially because we work in child and maternal health (which is very pro breastfeeding) I chatted with her about my experience. Then the woman who organized the education event took a chair at our table and joined our discussion. She only hears that we are talking about breastfeeding and doesn't know the context. I say something, which I can't remember now, and she asks...

Woman: Did you try breastfeeding?

Me: My son is adopted.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Why is that the first thing that pops out of my mouth? I could have easily and with complete honestly told her that I had tried but it didn't work out. That is the truth. She didn't need to know that T was adopted. Right? Or would my doctor and colleague have thought that I was misleading?

In the second example T wasn't with me so there was no way of her even thinking adoption. But most of the time he is with me. And because I think it's pretty obvious that T is not my biological child I assume that others think the same thing. This assumption usually causes my disclosure. When someone asks me an odd question I'm thinking..."um, have you looked at him and do you see his mocha brown skin??"

But I do believe that I need to rethink my assumptions.

This week I went to my salon for highlights. The stylist was an apprentice (it was cheaper) so not my usual person. I needed to bring T with me and then D was going to meet me at the salon, take T, and switch vehicles. The stylist took me to the back to get started. T crawled around the front foyer area and the receptionist and other stylists looked after him (they always do this, I love this place!). When D arrived he picked up T and came to find me and let me know where the car was parked. After he left the stylist said...

Stylist: So, this is a personal question, but is he adopted?

Me (thinking): um hello?

Me: Yep.

Stylist: Oh, I thought your husband was black.

Me: His skin color is really quite dark for him to be biracial.

Stylist: No. I have a friend whose father is Jamaican and mother is white and her brother is very dark whereas she is much lighter.

I guess this can and does happen. Maybe I shouldn't be quite so surprised when someone assumes that he is my bio child.

I'm just confused about when it's okay to disclose his adoption and when it's okay to let people think what they think. I know the answer to this will come with experience and depend on the situation but in the meantime I'm not sure what to do. It is usually after the fact that I think about a better response, not in the moment -- really dislike that about myself.

I'm sure that thinking about this right now will help with future situations. And I'm quite sure that I'll make mistakes about what to say when. I'm glad I have a bit of time before T will be able to understand these conversations. The pressure will be on when there are little ears listening.

my first mother's day

Firstly, I need to acknowledge the hallmark holiday that Mother's Day is. As well as the fact that this is a hard day for many women. I won't sugar coat it. It's a hard day. I know. I've been there.

I also think about J on this day. I don't have any words to express how difficult this day may be for her. "Birthmother" Day is apparently the day before Mother's Day. I wonder why there is a separate day...and who decided this? How is it that a first mom isn't also acknowledged on Mother's Day...after all she IS a mother.

That said, I embraced my very first Mother's Day.

It was delightful.

D got up with baby T so I would be able to sleep in. Of course I didn't, I heard T as well. But lying in bed for an extra 1/2 hour and knowing that I didn't have to get up was lovely. Then D make me belgium waffles with strawberries and vanilla sauce for breakfast...yum!

After breakfast, and a stint outside so D could organize the house, I took part in a treasure hunt which ended with my gift. D did such a great job with clues, some of them were really tricky! My Mother's Day present was this lovely custom necklace. Good on D to remember all my hints after initially seeing this jewelery well before I became a mother!

Then D stayed at home with T while I went out for lunch with my sister (her hubbie also at home with the kids). After enjoying a yummy meal we were treated to a manicure and pedicure. My Mother's Day adventure ended with dessert....a deep-fried mars bar! Oh so good!

What a lovely day.

Now the pressure is on to plan an excellent Father's Day!

those eyes

Baby T has beautiful eyes. Stunning really. And I can say that because I played no part in creating them! The first thing strangers comment on when encountering us, is his eyes.

I wonder about those eyes. How will they see the world in the future? Through what lens will they view his story. A story and life determined for him by three adults. How will those eyes look at the pain and loss in his story? Will they find joy and happiness there as well?

When those eyes look at me...really look at me...what do they see? Do those eyes know that I am not his first mom? Not the woman he expected. How will those eyes look at me when he realizes my skin is a different color. Mine the color of privilege and his is not. Do those eyes see my love for him or my uncertainty in the role of mom? Or both.

I, like everyone else, am struck by the beauty in those eyes. I see innocence and unawareness of what is yet to come. I can get lost in those eyes...deep, dark pools. Presently those eyes are observant, always looking and watching, taking everything in. I hurt knowing those eyes will reflect pain, loss, and uncertainty. I understand this is somewhat of a rite of passage that every child, adolescent, and young adult will experience to some degree. But I know there will be an extra layer of grief felt and reflected in those eyes.

Today I look into those dark eyes and smile knowing that for the time being they remain innocent and trusting. The innocence of a child is a beautiful thing.

And I hope I reflect openness and honesty in my eyes as those eyes unravel a story of loss and love.

baby t's first life book

Last week, a good friend (whose daughter entered their family through adoption) and I finished making life books for our kids. A project, discussed many times in the past six months, which basically took us three nights to complete. And I love it!

After seriously pondering what sort of paper/binding we would use for this book, I stumbled across blank, white board books for sale at Michaels. (Who knew you could buy blank board books?!). With that discovery we decided to make very simple preschool friendly books with one picture and a bit of text on each page.

The most daunting task was trying to figure out the text. How do you explain placement in two preschool friendly sentences? My friend and I spent an entire evening together writing simple sentences and picking pictures to tell a story.

Then we agonized over how to put the book together. Would double sided tape be sufficient to hold pictures in place? Heaven forbid we'd actually need to hand write the text! And how long would this book last in the hands of a child?

Then the discovery...

Contact paper. Brilliant.

After a late night run to Home Depot to purchase clear contact paper, as I had mistakenly bought frosty paper (they should really label it more clearly!), it took us two late evenings with Starbucks in hand to complete the books.

No hand writing. We printed out the text and pasted it in place.
No worries about little fingers touching pictures and the longevity of the book.

Contact paper really saved the day. (I'm actually not joking here...this was a major turning point in our book making!).

I absolutely love how the books turned out. Although our adoption stories are different, it was an absolute pleasure to design, write, and complete such an important book with such a good friend. T's life book will be one among many in his basket of board books. One that I hope we'll read together many times in the next few years.

And in the end, if the book falls apart I suppose that is a good thing, as then baby T will become familiar with his story and a very important woman who plays a central role.

dear first mommy

Baby T turned 7 months old this week. This means I'm in the process of preparing a monthly update for J. These letters are a bit daunting. How do I adequately express who this little boy is becoming on paper? What are the best words to use to describe the love I have for her son?

So today as I ponder about what to include in T's 7 month update, I wonder about J. What is it that she would like to know?

Would she like to hear about T's second emergency room visit because of wheezy breathing? And how the doctor asked us if there is asthma in his family history?

Does she want to know about all the super cute things he's doing and how he's developing? Or will that make her miss him even more?

How would she feel knowing that I've been asking strangers for advice on how to manage T's hair? When all I'd really like to do is ask her.

Does she want to hear about how some days are hard? And others are easy?

Would she like to know that at times I struggle claiming the identity of "mom" as my own?

What sort of pictures would she like? Does she only want ones of T or is it okay to include a family picture or two?

Does she want to hear about how D and I are doing in general? Know about our jobs and everyday life?

Would she like to know that every person who meets baby T is completely captivated by his big, brown beautiful eyes? Her eyes.

Is she tired of me expressing our happiness at becoming parents and how we've been blessed beyond belief?

Does she really know how much we respect her and love her? That she is an integral part of our family? That we feel loss because she isn't present?

And there are so many things that I would like to know about her. But most of all I'd like to know how she's doing after placement. Does she have support? In what ways can I help her process the grief? What are we doing that is making the process harder?

What we hoped would be a fully open adoption has become semi-open. There are reasons for this but it still doesn't make it easier to swallow. I sincerely hope that in the future we will be able to develop more open lines of communication with J. And if that needs to still include our agency then so be it. Either way, it's so important for me to connect with her. For T.

Maybe someday. I still have hope. In the meantime, time to work on the update letter. And pick some adorable pics to send of our son.

it's all about the hair

Admittedly there are times that baby T's hair and skin care stress me out just a teensy bit! And he's a boy...can't imagine the time and energy that goes into caring for the hair of a girl.

T had his first haircut at 4 months. It was so frizzy, fuzzy, and long on top as well as at the back underneath the stellar bald spot he was sporting. My hairdresser, who was very comfortable cutting T's hair, just trimmed it up and shaved a bit at the back. When I saw him after the cut I almost had tears in my eyes...gone was my baby and here was this big boy smiling at me. (And for all of you that know us personally...yes, I am very aware that my baby has been a big boy for quite some time now!).

His hair is getting longer and a bit fuzzy on the top again and I wasn't sure what to do. Do I get it cut again? Am I using the special hair products correctly? Is there something else I should be doing?

I have no problems asking for advice when it comes to this sort of thing. So this week I ventured out to a new hair salon owned by a black couple. A friend of mine is running their communications and marketing campaign so I had heard of this new boutique already and then a few fellow white moms with brown children had spoken with the owner and had great things to say. I felt this would be a good place to start asking some of my questions specific to T's hair and skin.

I walked into the salon and was greeted by three lovely ladies who immediately fell all over T proclaiming his cuteness! The owner was one of these women and she greeted us with such warmth and openness. I'm always just a tad bit nervous when approaching people of color because I'm not entirely sure what they will think about my family. I love the way my family looks but not everyone else will. The salon owner didn't even hesitate once during our conversation about T and as we chatted I became more and more comfortable with her.

We talked about T's hair and skin for probably 20 minutes. I told her about the "it's a curl" products we are using (shampoo, wash-out conditioner, and leave-in conditioner). I asked her about daily hair care. We chatted a bit about other products available. And finally I asked some questions about skin care.

Turns out we are doing a fairly good job at keeping our munchkin looking good! I did learn something really important tough. She sprayed some leave-in conditioner on T's hair and combed it. As I watched her I realized that she had just inadvertently taught me something...how to comb his hair! Such a seemingly simple task and for most white moms of white children this is a no brainer. The next day I used my leave-in conditioner and combed it the same way she did and success! His hair looks so much better for longer during the day now.

The other thing we've done to improve the look of his hair is start using satin. A friend sewed a lovely blue satin band that fits around T's crib mattress. So baby T sleeps on satin and it really does work to keep his hair looking nice after naps.

I will go back to this salon in the future. It's really important to me that T's hair is cut by someone who knows what they are doing and that this person has brown skin. In the end I didn't purchase anything from the salon but I gained some valuable advice. The owner gave me her card with her email address on it and said to email or call anytime with questions. How sweet and I will definitely take her up on that offer. I've also been thinking about ways she may be able to connect with other transracial families that live here. I'd love to attend a class about hair and skin care for brown babies. I might have to put the bug in her ear!

So the hair is looking pretty good around here.

Now if I could only figure out how to stop people from messing with his hair...