oh canada

T is an American Citizen (always will be). D and I are Canadian. Since T is not our biological child, we have had to engage in the permanent residency paperwork process to allow him all the same privileges we have in Canada. When we entered the country with T in September 2009 he was considered a "visitor."

The permanent residency process requires:

• sponsorship application
• permanent residency application
  
• adoption paperwork
• immigration medical completed by an approved physician
• 4 photos (like a passport photo)
  
• proof of adoption finalization
• letter of no objection from our province
• American passport
• original and new birth certificates

It took us 8 months to compile all the required documents, as we needed to wait for finalization paperwork and his new birth certificate.

After another 2 months of waiting we finally got word last week that the permanent residency process was complete. The last step, unbeknown to us, was to leave the country and when we re-entered T's permanent residency status would be validated.

So on Saturday, August 21st, we took an impromptu trip south (did some shopping) and returned with a permanent resident of Canada! The Immigration Officer was so pleasant and we were even able to get a picture of him with T holding a Canadian flag.

We're so very glad to be finished with that process.

Next step...Canadian Citizenship paperwork...

thoughts about The Wait from a distance

A friend of mine is waiting.

Waiting for a referral to adopt a child from Ethiopia.

She has been waiting for a very long time.

When I chat with her about waiting and how this has impacted her family life I think about my own waiting time. I actually feel anxious and my blood pressure rises as I immerse myself in her experience during our coffee dates. During those times I need to remember to separate my reality from hers. It hasn't been that long. She is waiting. I am not.

It has been 8 1/2 months since baby T entered our lives and closed the waiting chapter of our journey into parenthood. But I can still quite vividly remember how difficult The Wait was. While I am head over heels in love with T, he doesn't erase that experience. Fellow adoptive parents have mentioned that the waiting and paperwork seems like nothing once you are holding a child. I disagree. That time in my life changed me as a person and the experience will forever impact how I look at building a family. Infertility, the adoption process, and the waiting will always color my vision.

This waiting is one of the reasons that I think we will be a family of three now and forever. There are other reasons for this, which might make it into a post someday, but at this moment I can not imagine ever beginning The Wait again. Even though it would be different because we have a child, I know I would constantly be distracted. Instead I want to enjoy the life that I have as mother to an amazing little boy. To wonder and anticipate and expect is something that I don't desire to do again. Our wait was riddled with hardships and roadblocks, it was not a wait of ease that some (very few) adoptive parents experience.

So to my friend (I know you're reading this!) I hurt for you during your wait. Thank you for the privilege to walk some of this journey with you. And I too will celebrate (wine and chocolate night?) when the waiting is finally over for you too.

Then I think we both may need therapy to help us work through The Wait and all the nastiness it left behind!

one year blogoversary

One year ago I started this blog as a way to document my journey along the path that I hoped would make me a mother. One year ago I was excited and nervous, while anticipating what might be my future. Well the past year hasn't exactly turned out as anticipated. This is my blogging year in review.

August 08: Elated because our file was approved by our Provincial Government. Deflated because our agency needlessly sent it to Ottawa for authentication which resulted in a month of wasted time.

September 08: Excited because our file was finally in the hands of our American agency.

October 08: Frustrated at the length of time it was taking them to approve our file.

November 08: Full of anticipation because our file was now approved and active.

December 08: Bouncing off the walls with excitement because we received word the first time that our profile would be shown. Crushed when we found out she didn't pick us. Distressed at the process our American agency uses with us having to approve each and every time our profile is shown.

January 09: The New Year brought feelings of hope and possibility.

February 09: Anger and frustration with our Canadian agency when we found out decisions were being made about our file without our knowledge and consent.

March 09: Overall frustration with the process but still hopeful for the future.

April 09: The sadness began to set in at the length of waiting (we were now updating our file) and knowing our profile was shown a few times but we weren't picked.

May 09: Stressed out with the process. Minimal excitement felt when receiving word that our profile would be shown.

June 09: In shock. A picked us!

July 09: In shock. Baby was born sick so the adoption couldn't proceed. Grief and sadness proceeded to take over once again.

August 09: Feeling empty. Trying to find a small piece of hope in what feels like the impossible quest to have a family.

Here's to hoping that the next 12 months will bring more joy and happiness...

august book for our collection

Today we purchased the August book for our "waiting" book collection. I forgot the list of book recommendations from many of you, I'll need to remember them next month. But there sure is something fun about going to a book store and slowly walking the aisles picking up books that catch your eye. (I love new books!). And then the excitement felt when you find a good one that both of you like!


This month we picked Dear Zoo by Rod Campbell. It's been around for 25 years so it must have something going for it!

our "waiting" book collection

A few months ago, D and I decided to mark the passing of each month of waiting. Instead of marking the time with tears and sorrow we decided to purchase a new kids book every month for our growing collection.



The first month we bought a classic book that belongs in all adoptive family libraries. A Mother for Choco by Keiko Kasza.






The next month D decided that we needed to look for a book about daddies. There is little out there but we found a cute little gem in My Daddy and Me by Tina Macnaughton.



Then we missed a month.


Last month we decided on a Sandra Boynton book. Her books are so cute and full of fun. We bought Hippos go Berserk.



What shall we buy this month? Any good kids book suggestions?

trying to believe in the impossible

Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said. "One can't believe impossible things."

"I dare say you haven't had as much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age I did it for half an hour a day. Why sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

-- Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass

I'm working on it...

what i know best

I'm back to what I know best.

Waiting.

I hate the waiting.

I try to convince myself that it doesn't matter. That the unknown doesn't wear me down day after day.

The two days we spent with A, her mom, and the unborn baby were so amazing that it all felt like a dream. Was it? On June 30th we woke up. It almost feels like that whole experience never happened. Although I do have pictures and foot prints of a baby to prove we really were there. But everything feels very hazy. My memory of those 4 days will never fade but my feelings about what happened and if it will every happen again are all fuzzy and muddled.

Will someone ever choose us again? Or was this whole family thing just a pipe dream right from the beginning? A dream that for us will never become a reality.

I'm having trouble articulating my thoughts and feelings on adoption, waiting, our future, etc. I feel very little hope. I don't think I really believe that a baby will be in our future -- especially now after what happened with A's baby. Yes, the paperwork says it could be. Yes, there are people working with our profile. But now when I walk by the baby room I don't think about what will be in the future, I think about what will never be.

Until you walk this road it's a hard one to explain and understand. I thank God that there are people in my life who really get it. Women who have been here in this same place, who know how to be supportive, who I can lean on. You know who you are. Thank you.

Maybe the waiting will be easier if I continue to live with little hope. This sounds so over dramatic and pathetic but moving forward with little hope protects my heart. Perhaps then I can move on and just live life not always wondering if I will be a mom by Thanksgiving, by Christmas, by next year, etc. I will try to have no expectations of parenthood in the future so that I'm not disappointed time and time again when that reality does not come to pass.

In the end, regardless of how I look at it, I will continue to live and breathe adoption daily.

The waiting sucks.

home study update blahs

Yesterday we met with our social worker to update our home study. Blah. Our current home study expires in the beginning of August. I was so dreading this day and really thought we had escaped the update blahs when A picked us to adopt her child in June.

The update was really painless. (Except for the bill we’ll receive in the mail from our agency). The hardest part of the update is how the whole process made me feel. I felt like we were starting right from the beginning with everything. Because we had such high expectations that the adoption would happen quite quickly, never did we imagine doing an update. So I wasn’t especially excited to see our social worker under these circumstances…we thought we would be arranging a post placement visit with her this month instead.

I know in my head that we haven’t really restarted the whole process. Our American agency will proceed as usual with sending us information on potential matches. In 7 months we received information on 6 potential matches. I feel like we’ll now have to go through 6 more and another 7 months before we’ll be chosen again. We’re wondering how many more times we’ll have to go through the stress of wondering if an expectant mom is going to pick us. And then wonder why the hell not when she doesn’t.*

*I am very aware that this process isn’t just about me and my wants and desires. D and I have the utmost respect for each expectant mom profile that crosses our path and we really only want what is best for her. But right now I am in a frame of mind where this is about me and how I am working through this loss.

a hard week

It's been a hard week.

Going back to work has been difficult for a variety of reasons. So far I've teared up at least once every day while at work. One of my jobs involves pregnant women and babies -- usually I can distance myself enough while at work to protect my heart...this week I couldn't. My other job was one that I had no intention to return to after we adopted the baby. Today I returned. My heart just dropped as I walked through the door.

Today, while back at a job I have left emotionally, I received an email about a conference in November. For a moment my head and heart filled with dread. I was overcome with this feeling that I will still be working 2 jobs and childless for many more weeks and months. I don't know how I am going to do this.

This has also been a hard week for others that I deeply care about. Laura, who is a year into waiting for a referral to adopt a child from Ethiopia, found out this week that their adoption agency just declared bankruptcy. And my good friend H, continues to wait for one last piece of paperwork, that has been delayed unexpectedly and indefinitely, before she can go get her daughter from Ethiopia.

Adoption is hard. There are many of us asking the same questions day in and day out....why and when...

And I still have one more day left in this week. Oh how I pray that the weekend comes swiftly.

fall 2009?

The other day I had a thought (I know that's dangerous for me, but it happened!). Last fall I was so convinced that we were going to become parents. I don't know what it was exactly, but just a feeling that fall was the right time of year for this to happen. I could feel it in the air and as the leaves changed color.

Then fall passed...then winter...and now spring.

Still no baby.

Mind you, our file only "officially" became active towards the end of November, but it arrived at the American agency in the middle of September and we know that they start showing potential adoptive parent profiles immediately after receiving them if there is a potential match.

That same day I also realized that it is only 3 months until fall.

Three short months until September. I know that summer hasn't even started for us out here but the reality is that in 3 short months the leaves will start to turn color again and fall will be upon us (don't shoot me for this reminder!).

Maybe I was right about the season...but just got the year wrong.

awkward conversation

This week I started my new job. Within the first half an hour, of the first day, I was meeting with my supervisor and explaining our adoption plans. It was an awkward conversation to have.

My immediate supervisor was not a part of the interview. I was interviewed by two other individuals who I also report too. At the end of the interview I disclosed our adoption plans -- one of the two already knew, so I thought it was important to just lay it all on the table and be transparent about my situation. When I was offered the job, I again mentioned that we were in the process of adopting a child and was told that this fact couldn't be factored into their decision on who to hire. Prior to applying for the job I did some research about the option of taking a parental leave shortly after being hired. I thought I was in a position to be able to negotiate taking a leave of absence.

After accepting the position I did some additional research. It turns out that the information I was given was incorrect. Labor laws state that one must be in continuous employment with the same employer for at least 7 months to take parental leave and be guaranteed a job at the end. Well that doesn't sit well with me since I sincerely hope that I won't be waiting another 7 months before becoming a mom and I really don't want to have to give up this permanent position.

Apparently I can still try to negotiate being granted parental leave earlier than the 7 months, but this means you need to be working in an environment where the human resources department has half a heart. I do not work in such a place. In fact, the HR department of my employer is known to be unlike any other.....and not in a good way.

By having that awkward conversation on my first day of work, my hope was to get my supervisor on my side. He was very supportive of the adoption. He acknowledged the difficulties many have with HR. And he did say that he would look into it and see what he could do for me. I'm really doubtful that things will work out in my favor...but I guess you never know.

But this whole situation plays with my mind. I've found myself hoping that we don't hear from our agency for awhile so that I can clock in more time at this job. But thinking that way doesn't sit well with the part of me that really wants a child. I know that we have options with this parental leave. D could take the first part of it and then I take the later part, after putting in the 7 months. That certainly isn't ideal for many reasons. I feel like I have given up so much already in our journey to have a family and this is just one more kick in the ass. It sure sucks to continually face more unknowns.

Just one more mountain to climb in the ongoing expedition that has become my life.

my life is a mental game

I've been playing a mental game for some time now. The months of April to June exactly one year ago marks our process of gathering adoption related paperwork and completing adoption related tasks. We were so naïve one year ago. When we were told by our Canadian agency that it took about 3 months to complete the home study, we did the math. When we were told by our American agency that placements for African American babies often happen very quickly, even within 1-2 months, we did the math. The part of the equation that we weren't aware of was how long the approvals would take in each country and how long we would end up waiting. So now that we have started to experience one year "anniversaries" of the paperwork gathering and task completion, my life has become a mental game.

One year ago in May I was convinced that we would have a family by now. As I attended regular yearly functions and events I thought about how my life would be different next year which might mean I didn't attend that particular event. And yet here I sit, still childless and able to attend these functions and events. But each time I do I have to play the game. I have to mentally prepare myself for the emotions that surface as I am continually reminded that I do not have a family. That 12 months of life have passed without much changing in mine. That I have lost much hope and optimism.

Today was one of those days. Had my game face on.

what if...?

What if we had decided not to pursue adoption and not have any children. What would our lives look like now? How would our focus be different?

I know one thing is for sure, we would have gone on a kick ass, hot destination vacation during this wretched winter! We’d likely be thinking about getting a different vehicle. Possibly doing some small renovation projects to our house.

But all of those things just involve the use of money that is currently tied up in savings for a different purpose.

How would life be different in general? Would we make new friends because all our current ones have kids and are at a very different life stage then us? Would we spend more time volunteering to find purpose and meaning or would we become more selfish because life would just be about us? Would we grow closer together because kids wouldn’t get in the way of our relationship or further apart because we wouldn’t have the common goals and desires related to parenthood?

What would we do with our time? Now we’re anticipating lives full of diapers, playing, soccer games, and piano lessons. What would fill in the spaces of that extra time? Would we feel less stress by not becoming parents or more stress because we haven’t followed the “norms” of society and fall on the fringes.*

We’d definitely be able to retire sooner and possibly even find a small retirement community by the ocean somewhere!

I've been thinking about this whole idea of never becoming a mom lately. As I watch countless others become parents I wonder if my time has passed. Maybe it just isn't "meant to be." Maybe these adoption plans were just a ruse to keep my mind busy for a time, planning and preparing for a future that included a child. Perhaps I need to face my current reality with different eyes. Is this what life holds for me? I am blessed with so much but yet why do I feel so empty? I know we could make life without children work. The thing is that I don’t want to make it work in that way. I want more from life, a fullness and richness that can in part be provided through family. I will put myself through this waiting hell to get that. To become a mom and look beyond myself and what I could have accomplished on my own, to look upon a child and be needed in a way that I have never experienced before.

For that I will wait.

*Just for the record, to adopt transracially already pushes us out into the fringes of society and we will experience this fact regardless.

go west young wo-man

Today I am heading west to visit my very good friend. I need a break from this place and all related concerns and worries. We have planned an “adoption woes” coffee early on during my visit to get everything out on the table and process together. Then the rest of the time is dedicated to having fun as only two close friends can! I’m hoping to come back a bit refreshed and ready to face the big bad world again. Let’s hope I’m successful!

who shot my tigger?

At the beginning of the year I was focused on choosing a Tigger filled kind of life.

...someone shot my Tigger.

And Eeyore has moved in.

updating our file

Today D and I completed the first task of many required for a yearly update to our file. This morning we got our criminal checks done. Next month our medicals expire. In May we need new child abuse checks. And in early July our homestudy must be updated. Sigh. Last year when we did all of this it never occurred to me that we would be updating. Each piece that requires an update is another reminder that we’re still waiting. Like I needed more reminders!

A year ago after completing the criminal check paperwork, D and I make a quick stop to check out a baby and children’s store located near the police station. Here we walked through the aisles looking at furniture, strollers, and other baby paraphernalia. We bought a super cute stuffed elephant – the very first item purchased together for our future baby. That day we were excited as we contemplated our future and dreamed about this baby. Now after a year of chaos and mayhem we are not quite so naïve about this process. No walk through the baby store today. Instead it was a quick in and out before heading off to work. What a bummer of a way to start off a week.

a year in review

One year ago we signed paperwork to start the adoption process. In many ways this seems like a lifetime ago.

I’ve noticed that many adoption bloggers have documented their timeline. I’ve decided to review our last year in a similar way while all the dates and such are still pretty fresh in my mind. That way our timeline will be recorded before everything becomes blurry. Although some of the dates over the past year will certainly be etched in my mind forever.

March 19, 2008 – Signed paperwork with a local agency and American agency.
April 2, 2008 – Phone interview with American agency social worker.
June 17, 2008 – Home study completed. Become aware that our social worker didn’t completely follow the American agency guideline for home studies so an addendum must be written. We decided to get it completed immediately versus after our file reaches the States.
July 6, 2008 – Home study addendum completed.
August 8, 2008 – File approved by Provincial Director.
August 13, 2008 – File takes an unnecessary detour to Ottawa for authentication. Were told this would take 7-10 days when in fact it takes a month.
September 9, 2008 – Receive confirmation from the American agency lawyer that our file will be considered pre-Hague.
September 16, 2008 – File sent to the American agency. Arrives the next day.
November 19, 2008 – File approved by American agency. Were told that approval would take 6-8 weeks, ours took 9 weeks.
December 12, 2008 – Contacted regarding potential adoption situation.
December 26, 2008 – Potential adoption situation a no go. She decides to parent.
February 13, 2009 – Experience further frustration with the process.
March 19, 2009 – Waiting, waiting, waiting…

Looking back a lot has transpired over the past year, but it sorta feels like nothing has happened because our lives haven’t changed. We still get up and go to work every day and come home to an empty house (although thank goodness for our cat who greets us at the door!). We’re still the childless ones in our circle of friends. We’re still the ones that don’t have to arrange child care and can sleep straight through the night.

I guess in the end my hope is that my next year in review will result in the end of this crazy process and that by March 19, 2010 our lives will look very different.

another month passes by

The beginning of every new month is really hard for me. It means that yet another month has passed by and no change in my life. Every month I wonder, is this the month?

I feel like a fool. We thought our file would reach the American agency much sooner than it did - there were unexpected delays and procedures that we weren't privy to at the beginning of the process. Had we known how long this waiting time would have been we wouldn't have shared our plans to adopt with our larger circle when we did. And because we knew that our approval process in the States could have been expedited if there was a potential match I also had to inform my employer of my plans to leave work sooner rather than latter. They are really the last people in my circle that I wanted to share our future plans with but it was necessary. My employer has been supportive and they've got everything ready to go for when I take parental leave. But I feel so foolish...I gave notice of my upcoming need for a leave in September and it's now March. I also feel foolish for falling for the agency's expected time lines. They all told us that our wait wouldn't be that long, that generally when you're open to race things move quite quickly. I guess we were really too optimistic. I don't know why the length of waiting should surprise me really, not a lot has ever come easily for me so why should this be any different. But I had hoped.

Will March be THE month? Possibly. But I'm preparing myself that it might not be and that this month too will pass by.

an obsession

I admit it. I have adoption obsessive compulsive disorder….AOCD. I obsessively check my email for updates from either agency…sometimes I think if I stare at my inbox for long enough I’ll get a new message. The first thing I do when I walk in the door at home is strain to check for the little red blinking light on my phone. And sometimes I’ll even check my home messages from work. I think about adoption all day long. It’s pathetic, I know.

The first step is admitting you have a problem. What’s the next one?!

Check out this post by Laura about AOCD.

did we get it wrong?

Seven years ago D and I made the decision to move to the States for him to go to grad school. This was a huge decision. My father had just passed away 6 months earlier and I couldn't imagine leaving my family. Plus, the whole idea of him changing his career so dramatically didn't seem to make much sense. But yet, I knew that it was right for us to go. I often make decisions intuitively. And this decision for both of us was all intuition, there wasn't a ton of logic in it.

After moving we faced challenge after challenge right from the beginning. From not finding an apartment for 2 months to challenges with obtaining driver's licenses and Social Security Numbers to cockroaches, we felt like we came up against walls time and time again. I so clearly remember the day D was at the grocery store and he couldn't find his favorite cereal (cereal is a big deal to D!). It was a day filled with much frustration and to then discover that the US didn't make this particular brand of cereal threw him over the edge. We can laugh about it now but at the time it was quite a big deal! Both D and I wondered if we had made the right decision to move. Did we get it wrong? Was all this frustration a sign? Making the decision to actually move was hard but in the end wasn't the hardest part. The hard part was the process of living in a different country.

I've been feeling the same way about our decision to adopt a child. Dealing with the infertility and looking at our options to have a family wasn't the hard part. I have enough friends that have walked this road ahead of me to have a different perspective. I started researching adoption options fairly quickly after our fertility investigations. But ever since we signed the adoption application form our process has been filled with drama. I do think that most adoptions are riddled with drama and frustration, however ours seems to have gone over the edge with issues. And after the latest set of problems I'm left wondering if we got it all wrong. Are all the barriers a sign?

Our time spent living in the States ended up being one of the most life giving experiences D and I have ever had. We grew in ways unimaginable. We made some unforgettable memories. That time...the good and the bad...shaped who we are today...and we wouldn't change any of it. (Well, maybe the cockroaches!).

My prayer is that our adoption experience in the end will be life giving and that the struggles along the way will only have proved to make us better parents. D and I have proven that we can advocate for ourselves. Perhaps this whole nightmare experience is preparing us for the ways we will need to advocate for our future child.