its not a fairytale

I love fairytales. Always have.

But adoption is not a fairytale as is so often depicted in society. In society, adoption is the answer to teen pregnancy and abortion which results in a happy ending for an infertile couple. But this isn’t the whole picture.

When people find out our hopes to adopt a child, many have made comments like:
That is going to be one lucky baby!
Adoption is such a blessing
God has a baby picked out just for you

I’m really uncomfortable with these statements. I’m still not sure how to respond. It isn’t often that when speaking about adoption, people recognize the intense loss that occurs for every member of the triad. The first mother experiences intense loss and grief no matter what her situation is (just try reading some blogs by birth mothers to hear their grief), the child experiences loss and unnatural separation from his/her mother and the one person that he/she knew the best even from the womb, and the adoptive parents experience loss at never knowing or experiencing what it is like to have a biological child.

I don’t feel that I deserve a baby anymore then the next person. I don’t think that teen’s are completely unable to parent. I have witnessed teenage parenting countless times in my jobs and volunteer work, and although there are times when I wonder if parenting was the best choice for a particular child I never question the fact that this child is loved (I’m not speaking about abusive situations). I’m really acting out of selfishness because I desire to fulfill my need to have a child. But for us to add a member to our family causes great loss and sorrow in many other lives. I don’t mean to dwell on this but rather think it’s important for prospective adoptive parents to be aware of what is all involved with forming a family in this way. But this reality isn’t often discussed in the adoption world, especially by agencies.

Adoption IS a blessing, but it is preceded with intense loss. Once we get past the fairytale image, we can move forward to learn how to acknowledge and deal with the loss and create a pretty neat family! I am really excited about this journey ahead!