december

December is a hard month for me. My father died suddenly 7 years ago in December and his death has impacted me greatly. D and I were already married for some time and we typically decorated and celebrated the Christmas season starting late November. (D won't allow any Christmas music prior to Dec. 1st!). The year my father died was the year that we went all out, bought a beautiful new (fake) tree, made all new decorations, and had friends over for a lavish dinner. So when he died in the middle of December I was surrounded by all things Christmas. Christmas screamed at me every day. Christmas was present at his funeral as the church was already decorated, Christmas was present through visits from family and friends as everyone brought Christmas baking, Christmas was present in my house, in the stores, on the radio, outside with the lights etc. etc. Then 2 weeks later my broken family "celebrated" Christmas. For me, death and Christmas are intricately entwined.

For many years after his death I had a physical aversion to Christmas. When all the decorations started to come out and the music was on the radio I would start to really feel ill. Christmas in the form of decorations and music was banned in our house for many years. I still don't get really excited during the Christmas season as I once did. I even find futility in the whole giving/receiving gifts. I feel forced to buy in to the consumerism that Christmas has become by heading to the mall and searching for the best deals on the best gifts.

I must say that I believe that once we have a family there will be a new element of joy added to my experience of the Christmas season. To see the season through the eyes of a child will be joyful indeed. When we started the adoption process we thought that our paperwork would be in the US much earlier then when it got there so we dreamed a bit about having a child this year at Christmas. Since it's unlikely that we will have a family before Christmas I feel that I need to do some preparing for the season so that it doesn't become extra blah this year.

I'm working at ways to rediscover the joy found in the true meaning of Christmas. D and I don't give each other presents but instead plan a nice evening out together every year. We're doing the same thing with my sister and brother-in-law where our "gift" to each other is time spent together doing something fun, enjoyable, and focused on our relationship. This year we also used the World Vision gift catalogue to give meaningful gifts and share what we have been blessed with. I did all my Christmas shopping in November so I can intentionally stay away from the mall in December. I even found myself enjoying a bit of the shopping this year because the stores weren't overly decorated and full of shoppers. I'm much more aware of advent this year and found a book of daily advent readings that I have committed to doing throughout December. And the last number of years I've watched A Charlie Brown Christmas which is a story about the real reason for the season.

So I'm learning about how I need to approach December and all that it holds for me. Even though we are likely to be without a child again this year I'm hoping and praying that I can discover a new kind of joy this month that has been missing for me for quite some time...and maybe I never truly knew what that joy really looked and felt like.

But no tree again in our house...honestly its way too much work!

There will be a tree next year.