leaving the cocoon

I like to feel safe.

Safety in general...fire, car, personal, etc...is important but I am referring to feeling safe in social situations. I have difficulty investing in people or situations when I don't feel safe. When I don't quite trust the outcome of our conversations. It is difficult for me to let a lot of people into my life in a truly personal way. I am more of an introvert than I would like to believe and to have so many people know my heart and mind is tough. Especially when I don't quite trust how people will react to my thoughts and feelings.

There are so many people that know about our current situation. This is not just because we have intentionally let people into that part of our lives, but because of D's vocation many people know that we wouldn't have necessarily told until everything was a done deal. It is comforting to know that we have a lot of support...but I don't always feel safe with all these people and to have them all know what I am dealing with is hard for me.

D and I have developed quite the cocoon during the past week. Our home is so very safe for both of us. Here we can cry, mope, and be angry on our own and together. Here we don't have to explain anything to anyone. Here we can just BE.

Tomorrow we both need to leave the cocoon and enter the real world again so to speak. It is back to work on Monday morning. Time to enter unsafe territory and time to put on the mask once again. Time to suck it up buttercup when friends have babies and others get pregnant. The mask protects me but it doesn't make me feel safe.

I have experienced deep grief before and been the recipient of pat answers that were supposed to comfort but didn't. I know that people mean well and that it is difficult for many to know how to respond in grief situations. In these uncomfortable situations it is easier for me to take on the role of comforter to let them off the hook. To let them know that I will be okay.

But I don't know that.

I'm tired of saying, "life goes on" "we'll just move on" "things will be okay" "time heals"...blah blah blah, when inside I'm screaming and crying "WHY?" "what the...." "I just don't get it".

So tomorrow I leave the safety of our cocoon, don the mask, and try my darnedest to do what is expected of me in this life.