this mommy thing

I’ve been thinking about this post for quite some time but I haven’t been completely sure how to articulate what I am feeling and thinking. I’m still not really sure. I’m a verbal processor much more than a thinker through writing. But I’m going to give it a try.

Many people have asked me how I am processing motherhood. The answer to this question is complex. I don’t feel like a mom. I mostly feel like a babysitter in an extended babysitting situation! I’m sure this whole phenomenon of not getting the mom thing right away is common for biological moms as well. I get that bonding and attachment are a process as is adjustment to a new life situation. But there’s more to my story because of how the adoption process weaved its way into my very core.

During a conversation with someone a few weeks ago I was able to clarify part of what I am feeling. I don’t feel as though I have earned the title of mother. Some have told me that I quite possibly have earned it more than others because of our journey (obviously this is not a competition). But I don’t feel it. I didn’t carry him for 9 months. Didn’t go through the nausea, weight gain, feel uncomfortable, have heartburn. And of course, I didn’t deliver him. To me all of these things are milestones, if you will, on the journey towards motherhood. It doesn’t mean that you are bonded instantly to your child after delivery but to me there a sense of entitlement. (By this I don’t mean ownership). My sense is that I feel this way because in general most people do build biological families and this is my frame of reference. In many ways I feel that J has earned her role as mother in T’s life far more than I have.

How many diapers do I need to change or how sleep deprived do I need to be to feel like I have earned this role?

I am also coming to realize how convinced I really was that I would never be a mom. Maybe not consciously considering we were actively pursuing adoption. But in my sub-conscious I was sure this would never happen. My brain knew that in all likelihood we would someday get picked by an expectant mom. But my heart knew that it would never happen. So now that I am a mom I feel like I’m living in a different dimension which requires me to shift my line of thinking and create a new paradigm. A new way of looking at the world. The world I knew was always about me not being a mom.

I’m now working at peeling back the layers so carefully placed on my heart. Those layers served an important function all those months…protection. Ridding myself of the protective layers is much easier said than done. We so quickly went from non-parents to parents. I’m still often shocked at everything that happened and can’t believe that the child in my house is really my son.

As I’m working through all these things I do know that baby T and I have bonded and are attaching. He knows my voice, calms in my arms, and locks eyes with me. He is adorable and an absolute blessing in our lives.

Baby T isn’t going anywhere. He is here to stay. On paper he is my son. I now need to believe it in my heart.