out and about with baby T

It is a rare thing to find me at home. For most people to have a baby means becoming somewhat house bound. From day one with baby T we needed to be out and about. There was adoption paperwork, legal paperwork, a court appearance, passport application, plus the need for D and I to stay fed and watered. Because we were many miles away from home there was no support in the form of meals (that came later and boy was it appreciated!) or available arms to hold T when D and I desperately needed to nap.

However, the fact that we were on our own away from the comforts of home was also a blessing. We had no choice but to go out with a 3 day old. We quickly became accustomed to feeding in the back seat while stopped in a parking lot, to diaper changes in the lawyer's office, to using Harvey Karp's calming techniques in the aisles of Target.

Although...I do vividly remember our first real restaurant experience with T. We had scoped out a popular local place and without thinking (let's blame baby brain!) we went on a saturday evening. T was sleeping soundly in the car seat but we of course had to wait quite some time for a table. Once inside we were seated at a table beside a loud cooling fan for the kitchen. And unbeknown to us there was a live band...which was way too loud. I became extremely nervous. We had already waited so long for a table and now were sitting in less than ideal surroundings. D asked the waiter to turn down the fan and then we talked through our plan of action should T wake up (he was feeding every 1 1/2 - 2 hrs). We formulated a plan for every possible scenario which helped, but I was still wondering why we had been so stupid to try this restaurant on the weekend! D and I basically inhaled our food and high tailed it out of there as fast as we could. And of course, T slept through the entire event, completely unaware of all the drama. Our next restaurant experience that week was much less anxiety producing and by now we're old pros at it!

The 2 weeks we spent in the States contributed to our willingness and ability to go out with T and feel comfortable in most situations. But I think the reason why I am often vacant from home has less to do with comfort and more to do with my exploration of motherhood. I think I feel this need to be out in public, to have people witness me caring for T, to feel like a mom. I'm not trying to be attention seeking, this is totally different. When I'm out there are people thinking about me as a mom which causes me to think the same of myself. I want to be clear though that in no way do I want my role as mom to define who I am - I am so much more than that - but in this moment of time I need to feel it.

The irony found in that I currently need to be seen with a baby when just a few short months ago it was torturous to see moms and babies all around is not lost on me. Life is strange and difficult. I do continue to think of the women who are living the reality I lived this past year. But at the same time I have to care for myself and know and understand what I need. It's just interesting to me that traipsing T all over the countryside will play a significant role in my journey into motherhood.