oa interview project

What an interesting thing this internet is. I love how people from all over the world can become so connected via a screen, keyboard, and mouse (okay there are just a few wires involved also, but you get my drift!). Heather at Production, Not Reproduction is a connecting point for many of us involved in open adoptions. She recently randomly assigned Interview Project participants with a partner blog to interview and be interviewed by.

I was assigned to Debbie at Always and Forever Family. Debbie's blog was new to me and it was a pleasure getting to know her and her family during the past couple of weeks. Debbie is an adoptive mom to adorable Isabel who turns 2 years old in April. At Always and Forever Family, Debbie candidly chronicles their open adoption journey. She also blogs at Belle's Curls a site dedicated to the ins and outs of biracial hair care. As a side note, Isabel's hair is gorgeous!

You can check out her interview of me and other participants as well.

1. How have you managed to work at acknowledging the loss side of adoption while also living in the joy?
This is a tough one. When it comes to our relationship with Isabel's birth family I have to put the loss aside to have joy. I spent too much time honoring the grief that I knew was there and was not able to enjoy being a mother. It makes me feel selfish to answer it this way but it's honest. Loss for Isabel, I guess I hope she will feel a little less loss because we have birth family in her life. Although it's only her birth mom's side but she'll be there to answer questions about her birthdad. My loss is just insignificant. But to keep the joy for me or rather find the balance between the two; I blog and I talk to friends who have adopted. I also attend mom's groups with other adoptive moms and other adoption related events.

2. What is one thing that has surprised you the most about the adoption journey?
How easy it was to love. Not just a child I didn't give birth to. But to love the woman who gave birth to her and her family as well. How completely strangers became family because of a little baby.

3. What has been the hardest to work through after bringing Isabel home?
It took me 18 months including mild depression to truly feel like a mom. It wasn't as easy journey. Everything I did included her birthmom if only in my mind. It wasn't until after a friend pointed it out to me that I realized this and just how serious it was. To get through it I had my husband reminding me why she picked us to be Isabel's parents. I did a lot of looking at myself and what I was doing. I slacked off on sending so many little updates so I could just enjoy my daughter. Now I can include her in all the fun and the not so fun stuff knowing that I am her mom.

4. How have you as a family worked to celebrate being transracial?
We're still working on it, I think we always will be. Some things we try to do is have books, toys, ets not just that match our daughter but all races. We also have a playgroup with other adoptive moms where she sees families like us. Her daycare and our church and neighborhood are very diverse. We'll always do our best to keep things like that when/if we move.

We haven't figured out how to incorporate holidays and such in a balanced way. When we don't celebrate our own heritage (German, Swedish, Irish, etc) we wonder how to celebrate hers without pointing it our and making it obvious.

5. What is it like to live in the States as a transracial family?
In our particular area it's fantastic about 90% of the time. There are occasions where we feel eyes following us, trying to figure us out. But aside from the 'We'd you get her?' comments we don't get many around home. Although I was once asked 'What's she mixed with?' She is; AA, Hispanic & Caucasion.

I've found that when it is just myself and my daughter the white community is less accepting thinking I'm married to a black man. But when it is the 3 of us we get lots of smiles and comments on how pretty she is.

If we travel outside our metro area it gets a little harder. If we go to places away from home it's very white. I wish I could forget eating at Subway and having a lady look at us in disgust and say 'that just ain't right.' I was grateful that I didn't hear it but my husband told me later. But those are few as well. For the most part we've been very accepted.