dear first mommy

Baby T turned 7 months old this week. This means I'm in the process of preparing a monthly update for J. These letters are a bit daunting. How do I adequately express who this little boy is becoming on paper? What are the best words to use to describe the love I have for her son?

So today as I ponder about what to include in T's 7 month update, I wonder about J. What is it that she would like to know?

Would she like to hear about T's second emergency room visit because of wheezy breathing? And how the doctor asked us if there is asthma in his family history?

Does she want to know about all the super cute things he's doing and how he's developing? Or will that make her miss him even more?

How would she feel knowing that I've been asking strangers for advice on how to manage T's hair? When all I'd really like to do is ask her.

Does she want to hear about how some days are hard? And others are easy?

Would she like to know that at times I struggle claiming the identity of "mom" as my own?

What sort of pictures would she like? Does she only want ones of T or is it okay to include a family picture or two?

Does she want to hear about how D and I are doing in general? Know about our jobs and everyday life?

Would she like to know that every person who meets baby T is completely captivated by his big, brown beautiful eyes? Her eyes.

Is she tired of me expressing our happiness at becoming parents and how we've been blessed beyond belief?

Does she really know how much we respect her and love her? That she is an integral part of our family? That we feel loss because she isn't present?

And there are so many things that I would like to know about her. But most of all I'd like to know how she's doing after placement. Does she have support? In what ways can I help her process the grief? What are we doing that is making the process harder?

What we hoped would be a fully open adoption has become semi-open. There are reasons for this but it still doesn't make it easier to swallow. I sincerely hope that in the future we will be able to develop more open lines of communication with J. And if that needs to still include our agency then so be it. Either way, it's so important for me to connect with her. For T.

Maybe someday. I still have hope. In the meantime, time to work on the update letter. And pick some adorable pics to send of our son.