12 months old

Baby T is 12 months old.

It was one year ago today that we met him. We met the little boy who would become our son. We looked into those eyes and wondered what life would be like.

One year later I can look back and say without a doubt that this has been an incredible journey. Full of diapers, crying, feeding, teething, sleeplessness...and I wouldn't change a thing.

I've heard moms mention feelings of nostalgia at a year. Looking at the small cute baby clothes and newborn pictures often brings up thoughts of what once was. I don't feel that in the same way. Perhaps it is because I have intentionally tried to imprint upon my memory what each new stage was like. In all likelihood T will be my only child and I wanted to savor and remember each moment as best as I could.

But there is also another reason that feelings of nostalgia haven't surfaced. It is only now that I am feeling more like a mom. T's mom. I see T look at me when trying something new. He looks at me to see if what he is touching is okay. He stays by me for a moment when in a new situation. He holds on to my leg when he's not sure or when he wants to be close. He raises his arms up towards me to be picked up. He wraps his arms around my neck, hugs me hard, and gives me kisses. And he toddles towards me smiling the most incredible smile that lights up his beautiful eyes.

I count it a privilege to be granted the opportunity to watch this remarkable little boy grow up. To see his personality take shape. It's not about nature versus nurture but rather nature and nurture. T will always be part of J and part of me.

So at one year I feel incredibly blessed. This little boy has filled my heart with joy. As I continue to work on understanding my identity as "mom", I will delight in each new stage and development that I get to be a part of.