What is it with Mondays?
Yesterday was a disappointing day on many levels. But the most disappointing part of yesterday was adoption related.
Those of you who know me, or have read here for any length of time, know that D and I desire(ed) an open adoption. We've done the reading and feel that a true open adoption is best for all members of the triad. When signing the application with our American agency we were unaware that their definition of openness was more of the semi-open variety. This particular agency doesn't encourage true openness and prefers that all correspondence between adoptive and first families flow through them. We became aware of this once well into the process. We still felt that we would do whatever we could to create as much openness as possible.
Every month I write a letter and pick the best pictures to send to J. I have sent Christmas presents, birthday presents, and a Mother's Day card. In each letter I mention how we would love to hear from her and often remind her of our email address. After a couple of months I inquired with our agency to see if any letters/packages had been returned, just in case she had moved and not left a forwarding address. None were returned.
Yesterday I inquired again.
I was not prepared for the answer.
At the end of last year, J requested that a hold be put on her file and all letters/packages remain at the agency until she requested them.
One could read many things into this. I've already thought of them all.
I've been preparing T's 12 month letter and pictures (wanted to wait until after his party so I could send some cake shots). Nothing will change this. I will still write it as if she is reading it this month. And I will continue to send updates, cards, and presents.
T will know that we did everything possible to create a relationship with his first mom. He will know that at each update, each holiday, and every other time in between we thought about J and how important she is to us, to him, and our family.
My hope is that when J is ready, she will request her "box of stuff" and even perhaps connect with us. In the meantime we're back to doing something we have a lot of practice and experience in...waiting on someone else.
4 comments:
I can only imagine how unprepared you might have been for that response. I suppose you can only do what you can do -- keep thinking of her, keep writing, keep sharing, keep honoring her. part of respecting her means respecting her wishes, even if you wish it were different.
some day she'll be ready, I hope, for T's sake.
Would have been nice had they told you without asking. And you're right, just keep sending it. That way you'll never have to explain to T why you didn't try.
Sorry for your disappointment.
Oh, what difficult news to hear. It's too bad your agency isn't a little more proactive, both in counseling J on the benefits of openness for T, and in letting you know about her decision.
Kudos to you for continuing to send updates. T will benefit by your actions/intentions independent of what J does.
And...I'm sorry you were hit with this. Hugs.
I am a 41-year-old adult adoptee. I read your blog for the first time tonight, and I want to tell you that I appreciate everything you're doing to maintain a connection with T's fmom, even when that interest isn't currently reciprocated.
Thank you for putting T first.
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