Today is the day, one year ago, that we took custody of T and he came home (to the hotel) with us. Around 2:00 pm we all left the hospital together. D and I put the car seat holding T in our car. J and her case worker got into a different car. And we each went our respective ways. That day was full of so much joy and sorrow.
I'm not sure I can celebrate this day in the way that "gotcha" implies. When we "got him"...J "lost him". Yes, I am fully aware that she signed paperwork to relinquish parental rights...blah, blah, blah. But I still don't doubt that to walk out of the hospital without her son was very difficult, no matter what her reasons for placement were. The words "gotcha day" seems very adoptive parent-centered, and gives little thought to the life that was left behind for the adoptee and the significance of the day for his/her first mom. We, as adoptive parents often choose to spend more time thinking about our joy and blessing and how to celebrate...after all we are the ones who gained.
In a recent issue of Adoptive Families magazine an article was written on this very topic. The author, an adoptive mother, wrote,
I find the use of "gotcha" to describe the act of adoption both astonishing and offensive. Aside from being parent-centered ("C'mere, little orphan, I gotcha now!") it smacks of acquiring a possession, not welcoming a new person into your life."
Her language may be viewed as harsh but I think she brings up an important point. I already need to battle comments that imply I placed an order at Babies R Us to get a cute black baby, so why would I encourage words that suggest something similar.
Some argue that celebrating "gotcha day" normalizes adoption and the ways in which our families have been created. However, I have to wonder if pointing out this day has the opposite effect. Once T entered our family we became, in a sense, plain ole regular parents. Do families created by biology celebrate similar days? Is there a "conception day"? The world will always remind us that we are an adoptive family and celebrating this day in a monumental way is just another way to point out how we are different.
T will know his adoptive story and will be familiar with how he entered our family. D and I will initiate discussion and be open to his promptings about his story throughout the year. Do we really need to mark today as the day we "got him?" I realize that our story of a newborn adoption where we took custody two days after birth is different from an international adoption, but in both instances I am uncomfortable with using "gotcha."
This is a hotly debated topic. Read through the comments to the AF article to get a sense of how much, but note that the vast majority of comments are from adoptive parents. Take a poke around some adoptee or first mom blogs and you'll find a different perspective. Most things in adoption are driven by emotion. We become quite passionate about our stance or way of doing things. In the end, whether or not adoptive families choose to celebrate the day their child entered the family, the other triad members must be acknowledged. All members.
To celebrate the way our family was united using the word "gotcha" cheapens it in a way for me. Perhaps there are better words to use that mark the moment adoptive families are created.
5 comments:
Excellent post.
Some families use Family Day, Forever Family Day, Adoption Day, I've even heard Sisters Day (4 sisters).
Isabel came home when she was 16 days old. So it's separate from her birthday but not by much. We celebrated the first year but just us and because the first year was important to me. In the future we'll probably make it a special night for her but almost a continuation of her birthday. But it won't be Gotcha Day, and it's not her adoption day either. It's just the anniversary of when she came home with us.
Since we do plan on adopting again what we do plan on doing is celebrating in November, National Adoption Month. We'll celebrate our Forever Family and do something special then. Also a good time to get an updated family picture.
I agree it's such an awful term. to me it's just the day we brought her home, even though she left her other home...
Great post lavonne!!! We do not use the term 'gotcha day' at all and cringe when so many others use it....like you say, you only have to read adult adoptees and birth family blogs to see the hurt that that word can cause...
thanks for a great post,
sandie
I love the way you articulated your thoughts in this post. Your sensitivity to what all members of the triad feel is definitely an asset to those who read your blog. Even non-adoption related stalkers :)
I saw the article in the AF magazine too. I'm not opposed to the term "Gotcha", but I'm also not stuck on using it. (Personally I prefer the term "Adoption Day", because that's exactly what it is... just like "Birth Day" is exactly what it is.) "Gotcha Day" is used regularly in our adoption circle, so I've become comfortable with it. But I admit that the first time I heard a parent say it, I thought it sounded very odd, and I didn't think it was an official term used by so many families. I thought that they had made it up right then and there.
For us, we're not stuck on using the term, but we also don't want to base our decision on other parents point of view. Ultimately, we'll respect our son's wishes. If he embraces the term, we'll use it. If he hates it, we'll drop it. And from what I hear, some kids love it and some hate it.
Recently when the term "Gotcha Day" came up in conversation, I told them that everyone has a Gotcha Day. It's the day you got your family and your family got you. And for most people, it just happens to be their birthday. (Hmmm...Does that mean adopted children have two "Gotcha Days"?)
I guess that's why I like the term "Adoption Day". That's just plain, simple and clear.
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