Three months ago life could not have seemed to get any better. We were in the middle of the best summer, weather wise, in years, T was on his way to turning the big 2 and loving life, D was investigating a new job potential that would be great for him and our family, and I was secure in my role as mommy and loving every minute of my job.
There was no talk about having more kids. We had that talk eons ago. Another adoption was out of the question due to finances and we had no desire to pursue further infertility treatments. We were done.
When D and I got married 15 years (!) ago we had talked about what we dreamed for our family. I had always wanted two kids and D wanted three. Fast forward to infertility and an extremely difficult adoption experience and our expectations for life and family completely changed.
When I was at my lowest during the adoption I was completely convinced that I would never become a mother. Then after T came into my life my heart became full in a way that I had never experienced before. I didn't feel any desire or need to have more children in my family. I was now a mom to an amazing little boy and didn't need any more than that. T entering my life was such a significant experience that I didn't want to share that love and joy with another child.
People have often asked me if we were going to have more kids or start the adoption process again and my answer was always, "nope, my heart is full." There is complete truth in that statement. Every part of me was okay being a family of three and actually loving it. Having only one child has quite a few benefits -- it's easier to find babysitting, he's outnumbered, both D and I still have a sense of independence and are able to find time for ourselves, it's less financially straining, we're able to plan trips and outings easily, and we still participate in all the joys that parenthood provides.
Now fast forward three months and life is nothing like I thought it would be. I am 16 weeks pregnant and in the process of grieving what I was planning for my future.
In the end getting pregnant is really our own fault. I know about all the birth control options...we talk about them at every Healthy Baby group a nurse and I facilitate. But when you've never been pregnant, birth control really seems like a silly thing to think about. We were planning to make our family of three a for-sure permanent thing. D had already been to the pre-appointment for a vasectomy and just needed to book that actual appointment.
3 comments:
I have often thought that if we were to have an unplanned pregnancy my first feelings would be anger and resentment. I think it's so normal for you to feel grief!
What a twist in this journey indeed. Wow. I'm sure the past months have been full of many, many emotions.
As a content mother of two (and only two!) I can imagine the shock, disappointment, grief, anxiety, guilt...etc. that would come as what you had planned for your family was no longer happening. Coming to a place of happiness and satisfaction with the reality of your family only to have that reality shaken up would be intense.
Can I say congratulations if it was not planned? Or perhaps I can leave saying that I rejoice at the life that is growing and anticipate the things God has planned for this unexpected one.
It is nice to have you back. Still checked on and off while you were gone :)
Wow, that is BIG news! I do understand where you are coming from, as we are a happy family of three and very likely to remain that way for the same reasons you mentioned. But I also want to say congratulations because every baby needs to be celebrated, and this baby must be someone special for God to have sent him/her to join your wonderful family. I'm sure T will be a super big brother and that you will find a way to make new plans that end up even more wonderful than the ones you already had.
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