the christmas blahs

I’ve been struck with a case of the Christmas blahs this year. And it has less to do with the typical reason that December is usually hard for me, and much more to do with adoption. This year is the closest we have ever been to having a family. If I let myself dream a bit (this does not happen often) I can imagine a child in our life…and then my empty arms quickly brings me back to reality.

It was hard this year to be at family gatherings and church listening to newborn cries and toddlers incessantly calling “mama.” I wanted to be that mama this year. I’m sure many moms would have been glad for a break from clinging children often passing them to dad or grandmas and aunties. But I wanted to be the one that was wanted. Not passed too, but wanted.

What a minor trivial thing. I should really just get over it. Yet, this feeling was very real and powerful. For too many years we have been the childless couple. We’re so close to this changing but it feels oh so far away.

I have really been working on the way I handle December this year and think I’ve come pretty far. I must say that paying more attention to advent and doing a reading every day has helped me to shift my focus. And guess what? A lovely lit Christmas tree stands in my living room. A new friend and mother through adoption, who has been a great support the past few weeks, decided it was time for us to have a tree and brought us one of theirs. As I write this I’m sitting in the glow of a tree that is just perfect for our space and for me. Next year, the decorations will come out.

So because of all my work ahead of time I thought that I was going to handle the Christmas season quite well. Alas, due to unforeseen adoption related circumstances of which I cannot blog, I’m again in a darker place during a joyous festive celebration. I’m exhausted from keeping up a bright face (sometimes more bright then others). Today, I really feel as though I would like to spend a good deal of time sleeping. Wake me up when we get the call…

Please don’t be concerned. I’m simply letting it all out tonight as I think back over the last couple of days. I will be okay…I always am. I know how to pick myself up by my boot straps and carry on. In the meantime, I believe it is okay to lament and acknowledge the hard days.

Tomorrow is a brand new day.