grief

Sigh.

Mei-Ling at Shadow Between Two Worlds posted this quote about grief recently:

One does not get over grief. You learn to live with it instead. Grief can be accepted, but cannot be erased or reconciled. It does not get better; we learn how to get through it and integrate it into our lives.

I agree. Grief doesn't ever leave, but it changes. You learn how to live in it and continue on. I have worked to face my experiences of loss head on, to sit in it and work my way through it. This has helped me to understand more about myself and continues to form and shape who I am.

I don't for one minute pretend to think that my grief experiences would ever be comparable to that of an adopted child. However, I have to believe that having walked the road filled with intense grief and loss (I'm not just talking about infertility) will help me to be able to relate on a different level to our future child. I will never understand what it means to experience loss of one's first family in the same way. I do understand what it means to deeply lose and what it looks like to come out on the other side. The grief will never disappear, but if allowed and able to work through it, it does change, and you learn how to live with it.