It's time to let go.
Last night while in bed, I realized that I am holding on too tightly to this adoption process. I have an ideal of what it will look like and when it will happen. An ideal situation, ideal age of baby, ideal open adoption, ideal time frame. When will I learn that my ideals are just that, and not realistic?
Do you know people whose lives just seem to "fall into place?" Lives which, at least on the outside, seem to have everything going for them - great jobs, marriage, kids, the house, cabin on the lake, etc. I'm sure that there are many things these families are going through on the inside that I don't see, but all I know is what is portrayed. I've never had that sort of idealistic life (I'm sure many haven't) but I sure long for it.
I must begin the process of letting go of my adoption ideals. This is so much easier said than done. Although I have turned to God for guidance and wisdom throughout the process I can't quite give Him the control of the whole thing. Considering adoption consumes my daily thoughts how do I really let go? What does this look like anyway? I doubt I'll stop thinking about adoption. We certainly won't stop making decisions along the way. This is why the cliche of "let go and let God" is so hard. I can't box it up, dump it at God's feet, turn my back, wash my hands, and continue on in life. That is completely impossible. To let go is far more complicating and a bit of a paradox. God calls me to come to place where I can allow Him to carry my burdens. Does that mean I don't feel the burden? That I am free?
Perhaps I'm just too cynical for this. I don't think that I truly believe that good things will happen for me so then how can I let go of my hold on this process. If I can keep control of the situation then it might end up being good, the way I want it to be. The problem with this line of thinking is that I have NO control in adoption anyway! I've only ever had the perception of control.
It's time to let go.
Maybe letting go is less complicating then it looks at first glance. Is it just about trust and faith? Is it about a peace filled heart? Is it about having a childlike faith, knowing that there is a Higher Power involved?
I think this is going to be a daily process for me. A daily reminder to let go. Letting go for me will mean a shift in focus from my adoption related ideals to trusting God with them - not an easy task. However, letting go will not mean that everything disappears magically. I will still feel the emptiness, the anxiety, the uncertainty that comes with adoption.
But maybe, just maybe, I'll have a little more peace about what the process will look like.
6 comments:
Hi, I dont know you, I just came across your blog. I feel like I COMPLETELY understand how you feel. We've been trying to bring children into our home for nearly 6 years now. It's been so frustrating watching everyone get everything it seems they want and feel so left behind/forgotten. We have to remember the children meant for our families will make it into our families one way or another, God wouldn't have it any other way.
Good luck with everthing :)
You don't trust God.
You trust your OWN faith and you trust the government officials and the shuffling of papers.
Thanks for your comment Mei-Ling, although I'm not sure if you're calling me out on my faith or what.
I need to clarify that I DO trust in God and He IS my faith.
To trust is to firmly believe in the reliability, truth, and strength of someone/something and I trust in God.
In our process, I found that the DOING, the endless paperwork and fingerprints and checking and examining -- that stuff was easy. I felt I had some measure of control.
It was the NOT doing that was hard. The waiting, the being, the trusting -- THAT was much harder.
Best wishes to you as you let go.
"I need to clarify that I DO trust in God and He IS my faith."
Adoption is the shuffling of papers. Adoption is payment. Adoption is orphanages run by people. Somebody finds that infant, brings them to the orphanage. The orphanage starts the filing process and gets authorized consent and signatures. They start to look at profiles and find prospective parents hoping to adopt.
All of those things are done by people who make choices and those choices have effects which may or may not consequences.
And then ultimately, which lead you to adoption.
So that is what I was saying about your faith - faith in the people who make it possible for adoption to occur.
I understand if you do not wish to post this on your blog - it can be a very toughy subject for a lot of people.
@Mei-Ling - I agree that on some level I do put trust and faith in the people who are involved in the process (and our adoption process is closer to a domestic situation versus international -- it just happens to still be an international adoption because we are from Canada and the child will be American). We do have to trust that the agency has an ethical process, that the expectant mom who chooses us wasn't coerced, that we're getting all the information on each situation etc. However, that isn't where my trust ends in all of this. God still plays a role in the process. I don't believe that God will cause a certain woman to choose us etc. but part of the dichotomy of faith is that I believe God still has a hand in the process. It seems contradictory that He does but that is a part of the mystery of faith. We don't totally get it.
So yes, I agree with your comments and yet I also trust God and have faith in His ways. I can live in this tension and not have it need to be faith in one or the other.
And I don't have problems leaving comments like this on my blog. I think it's important to engage in discussions with one another as this is how we all learn and grow.
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