my life is a mental game

I've been playing a mental game for some time now. The months of April to June exactly one year ago marks our process of gathering adoption related paperwork and completing adoption related tasks. We were so naïve one year ago. When we were told by our Canadian agency that it took about 3 months to complete the home study, we did the math. When we were told by our American agency that placements for African American babies often happen very quickly, even within 1-2 months, we did the math. The part of the equation that we weren't aware of was how long the approvals would take in each country and how long we would end up waiting. So now that we have started to experience one year "anniversaries" of the paperwork gathering and task completion, my life has become a mental game.

One year ago in May I was convinced that we would have a family by now. As I attended regular yearly functions and events I thought about how my life would be different next year which might mean I didn't attend that particular event. And yet here I sit, still childless and able to attend these functions and events. But each time I do I have to play the game. I have to mentally prepare myself for the emotions that surface as I am continually reminded that I do not have a family. That 12 months of life have passed without much changing in mine. That I have lost much hope and optimism.

Today was one of those days. Had my game face on.