lost opportunity

We all have lost opportunities. Times when we wish we could go back in time to change our path or grab hold of opportunities that presented themselves. There is a lost opportunity in my life that is very dear to my heart. I have lost the opportunity to breastfeed as an adoptive mom.

Let me explain.

Firstly, this is a very controversial topic in the adoption world. I am not looking to start a discussion on the shoulds or should nots of this topic, I only want to share my story.

The body is an amazing creation and it can do some pretty crazy things. You can induce lactation in women who have never breastfed or even been pregnant. This requires the use of medication and a very good electric pump. It also requires a ton of determination and dedication.

If you are interested, the protocol to induce lactation can be found here.

After a great deal of thought and discussion with D and others, I decided to try to induce lactation. The minimum time frame the body needs on the meds is 30 days, but the longer you stay on the meds the better chance you have of building a milk supply. Since we didn’t know how long our wait would be and that it could have happened really quickly I started the medication protocol early October 2008. The medication consists of continuous birth control and domperidone (which is approved for use in Canada).

Having the option to breastfeed was exciting to me. I am definitely pro-breastfeeding and have received quite a bit of education and training on breastfeeding since I work in child and maternal health. This was very important to me.

When we were chosen by A to adopt her child I began the process of trying to build a milk supply for when baby arrived 12 days later. This meant that I stopped the birth control, continued on the domperidone, included two different herbs daily, and started pumping. I had a date with the breast pump every 3 hours. And I mean EVERY 3 hours, straight through the night. This was exhausting! Baby wasn’t even born yet and I was getting used to organizing my day in 3 hour blocks and getting up multiple times in the night. I even had to arrange space at work during that last week so I could pump.

By the time baby was scheduled to arrive I had built up a nice little milk supply. It really was quite amazing. I talked with A about my hopes and intentions. I was so concerned that she would think the whole thing was totally wacked out and wouldn’t approve. But she was awesome. After asking her if she was okay with me attempting to breastfeed her child, her exact words were, “go for it girl!” She was even going to let the nurses know at the hospital so that I could try nursing right after he was born. Once again, everything was so great. We were all thinking so carefully and intentionally about each other and this baby.

But we all know that the end to this story is not a happy one. As our dream to adopt A’s baby boy died so did my hope and dream to breastfeed.

Once we found out that baby was so sick and our adoption wouldn’t proceed, I began the process of cutting the milk supply that I had so lovingly built. A devastating reminder that we wouldn’t be bringing home this baby.

Now for me to again pursue my desire to breastfeed would mean that I would have to restart the whole protocol from the beginning as we wait again for someone to choose us.

It was so much work to pump, and as I bonded with the pump at 2:00 in the morning I had many thoughts of how much easier formula would be. Yet I was so dedicated and determined to make this work. I was also so emotionally invested in the idea of breastfeeding this baby that I persevered and bonded repeatedly with that pump. Someone commented to me that I was already loving this baby by being so dedicated to inducing lactation and the work it required. She was right.

I don’t know how I can begin that attachment process again a second time before we even meet baby. We already know that our hearts will be more guarded the second time around in general and to throw breastfeeding into the mix will just be too much for me to handle. Now that I know how hard the whole process really is I don’t think I can start it all over again.

I am quite saddened by this. Actually, pissed off more accurately describes my feelings! The opportunity that I had created for myself to breastfeed as an adoptive mom is lost. Just one more thing that I have to grieve and work through.