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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

what i know best

I'm back to what I know best.

Waiting.

I hate the waiting.

I try to convince myself that it doesn't matter. That the unknown doesn't wear me down day after day.

The two days we spent with A, her mom, and the unborn baby were so amazing that it all felt like a dream. Was it? On June 30th we woke up. It almost feels like that whole experience never happened. Although I do have pictures and foot prints of a baby to prove we really were there. But everything feels very hazy. My memory of those 4 days will never fade but my feelings about what happened and if it will every happen again are all fuzzy and muddled.

Will someone ever choose us again? Or was this whole family thing just a pipe dream right from the beginning? A dream that for us will never become a reality.

I'm having trouble articulating my thoughts and feelings on adoption, waiting, our future, etc. I feel very little hope. I don't think I really believe that a baby will be in our future -- especially now after what happened with A's baby. Yes, the paperwork says it could be. Yes, there are people working with our profile. But now when I walk by the baby room I don't think about what will be in the future, I think about what will never be.

Until you walk this road it's a hard one to explain and understand. I thank God that there are people in my life who really get it. Women who have been here in this same place, who know how to be supportive, who I can lean on. You know who you are. Thank you.

Maybe the waiting will be easier if I continue to live with little hope. This sounds so over dramatic and pathetic but moving forward with little hope protects my heart. Perhaps then I can move on and just live life not always wondering if I will be a mom by Thanksgiving, by Christmas, by next year, etc. I will try to have no expectations of parenthood in the future so that I'm not disappointed time and time again when that reality does not come to pass.

In the end, regardless of how I look at it, I will continue to live and breathe adoption daily.

The waiting sucks.

3 comments:

Heather said...

The waiting does suck. It just does.

I remember feeling deep down like we were going to be the outliers, the one couple in the agency's history who never got picked. But you will get picked again. It will happen. Maybe it won't be by Thanksgiving or Christmas, but it will happen.

((hug))

A said...

The waiting absolutely sucks.

I've found, so far, that I deal more easily if I ride the waves instead of stuffing them. Sometimes hopeful, elated, sometimes hopeless, deflated, sure it will never happen. How I feel, after all, won't ultimately affect the outcome. It's important to have geniune experience of this time.

That's what I tell myself, anyways.

Thanks for commenting on my blog. It's good to find you.

Deathstar said...

I waited for 2 years - and I'm still waiting.....