christmas 2009

What a difference a year makes. I know this is so cliche.

Last year in December, D and I got our first situation. What we didn't realize at the time was this would be the first of many "situations."

A "situation" is what our American agency calls it when we, along with other hopeful couples, are preliminarily matched with an expectant mom. We then wait to hear about her decision in choosing to parent or choosing a family to place her child. Sometimes we waited a day or two, but most of the time we waited for weeks.

One year ago we were naive and Innocent to this process. When we got that first call from our agency we thought this was really happening for us. I remember telling family and a few close friends with excitement. And I definitely remember what it was like to feel that Innocent joy that believes in possibility.

Last year around Christmas we found out that we would not become parents in 2008 like we had so desperately hoped. This made every family gathering and get together extremely difficult as moms, babies, and children were everywhere.

This year was different. This year I too was a mom. This year I too had responsibilities that went beyond eating too much and opening presents. It's hard to find the right words to accurately describe how this felt.

It was sweet joy.

At an extended family gathering where my aunts and uncles met baby T for the first time, I think I glowed just a bit. Maybe no one else saw it, but I felt it. D didn't get to hold T much that day, I needed to be the mom and bask in the wonderment and newness of it all.

This holiday season I caught a glimpse of the vast, unconditional love God has for me. I have fallen in love with my son and that makes for the absolute best Christmas gift.