there is little "for granted" in adoption

In general bio families take many things for granted that we in the adoption world can't or don't. Bio moms, if they should so choose, often take monthly pictures to show their swelling belly and these can be used one day to talk with their child about where baby grew. Bio children can look at these pictures and will someday be able to internalize that they are in that bump. Many take this for granted.

Bio families usually have an ultrasound appointment during which they can hear a baby's heartbeat, determine sex, and in the end choose to purchase the picture. I know many first time moms who do pay the exorbitant fee for that picture because of the keepsake it is for them and for baby. Many take this for granted.

When I was thinking through some of my "ideal" adoption scenarios they included a picture of our child's first mom pregnant as well as ultrasound pictures. Ideal, yes, but not impossible. When we were picked by A to adopt her son she had a c-section scheduled so we were able to fly out and meet her while still pregnant. We took so many pictures of all three (I guess four!) of us. A then invited us to her last doctor's appointment where we were able to hear the baby's heartbeat. A very emotional experience for us all. And right after we met A she hauled out a stack of ultrasound pictures and gave them to us.

An ideal situation.

Which did not turn out as expected.

When J picked us to parent her son we knew we would likely be unable to meet her while still pregnant. I asked J if it was possible to get someone to take a picture of her pregnant so we would have that to show baby someday. J agreed and her worker said she would gladly take some photos. When we arrived at the hospital to meet with J and baby, we first met with our agency worker and with J's. J's worker mentioned that she got some great shots of J pregnant as well as baby shortly after birth (it was 16 hrs after birth that we met J and baby). I was so excited about this news, but sort of distracted and ready to throw up due to nerves as we were about to meet J in person and her baby who may become our son. Honestly I didn't think about those pictures again during the two weeks we spent in the US before coming home. I trusted that J's worker would get the pictures to us, after all I couldn't have been the first prospective adoptive mom to make this request and I assumed she would look after it. Since arriving at home I have repeatedly contacted our agency asking about those pictures. J's worker has since resigned so I'm unable to speak directly with her. It took months but we just found out that the disposable camera that they were supposedly on is not the right camera. The agency thinks that camera went home by mistake with J. We have still been unable to re-establish communication with J, this we are definitely working on.

But in the meantime I am sad at the loss of those pictures. It's different to feel loss when you know it is something you will never have versus something that was within grasp and now is gone. I am also so mad at myself for not thinking more thoroughly through the process. I should know by now that you must be your own advocate in adoption. Why did I rely on someone else to follow through? Why did I put my trust in someone else with something that was so important to me? I should have asked for the camera and developed the photos on my own. I understand it is not healthy or helpful to play the shoulda, coulda, woulda game, but I can't help thinking back. I was just so darn distracted with a newborn baby in my arms!

J also mentioned after choosing us to parent her child that she had an ultrasound picture of baby that she wanted to give to us. Again, I wasn't thinking straight to ask J about it once meeting her and baby. She did not have to give us that picture, I would have even made a copy had she agreed to that. But I didn't even have the conversation with her to know if the offer was still on the table. I hope someday she can show baby T his ultrasound picture on her own. Now that would be ideal. But in the meantime I again kick myself about not following through with her initial offer.

I was waiting for the belly shot of J before starting baby T's toddler version of his lifebook. I really wanted to have that picture in his book.

No picture.

Another disappointment and another reminder that there is very little that you can take for granted in adoption.