I participated in the Open Adoption Interview Project in 2010 and signed up once again this year. It's such a great way to get to know a new blog...and hopefully a bit about the person behind the blog! Our stories are all unique but there is a thread of similarity that binds us all together. To check out the other interviews, click here.
This year I was paired with Kelly From Empty Womb to Overflowing Heart.... She recently started blogging this year so I was fortunate enough to be able to read through her story from beginning to now. What becomes immediately apparent while poking around Kelly's blog is her intense love for her daughter, faith, and life. After years of infertility, a devastating failed first placement, and a trial with infertility treatments, Kelly and her husband finally met their beautiful daughter in August 2010. Kelly blogs about her life as a mom and their fully open adoption with Lovebug's birthfamily. Go check out her blog and say "hi!".
You can read Kelly's interview with me here.
You can read Kelly's interview with me here.
Here is my interview with Kelly:
1. You mention in a post (can't find it now!) that you weren't sure yet how to refer to Lovebug's biological family. I'm wondering where you stand on that now. What words have you decided to use? Are they different from what you use with Lovebug?
That was a real struggle for me. I just felt like, of all the options out there, none of them captured C's importance in Lovebugs life. So, after writing that post I emailed Lovebugs birthmom to get her input on it. I just asked her point blank "what would you like to be called? Birthmom? First mom? MamaC? Other mom? Her response was that she thought just being called her first name was great and that birthmom worked for her. After we talked about it, and I knew that *she* felt comfortable with being called ny her name and referred to as birthmom I felt much more at ease with that choice. After all, because we're in an open adoption Lovebug wont learn C's importance in her life from her name or title, but rather the relationship they have.
2. Reading through your blog it is apparent that you bonded with Lovebug quite quickly. Was there any part of becoming a mom through adoption that you struggled/are struggling with?
In the beginning I really struggled with feeling grief for C. I grieved a tiny bit (or a lot) at every new milestone wishing that she could have shared that moment with us. Over time, that feeling of grief has lessened though I'm not sure it will every been completely gone.
The one part of becoming a mom through adoption that has been an ongoing struggle is frequently having my motherhood challenged and questioned by outsiders. Sometimes it's as simple as a well meaning person at the grocery store asking "what happened to her real mom?" or other more blatant comments that just let you know that outsiders don't really get it and probably never will. Sometimes it's hard to know that in some eyes I will never just be Lovebugs mom.
3. You've briefly mentioned Lovebug's heritage as half Filipino. I'm wondering how you do and will work at your status as a transracial family? And how do you experience life as an adoptive transracial family living in the US?
It's really important to us that Lovebug celebrate her Filipino heritage, as well as the rest of her heritage, because it's a large part of who she is and she can physically identify with it. As she's getting older I'm learning more and more about the Philippines, a country I started out knowing very little about. We plan to integrate it into school projects, holidays and special occasions.
Our experience have been mostly great so far. I mean, there are definitely those nosy people as mentioned before that make things weird, but even with that I can say that we have never experienced negative comments about our transracial adoption. One of the more annoying comments is "where did you get her?" Sometimes I want to say "Walmart. Haven't you seen the new baby section?" It's just irritating because people assume because she not white that she must be from another country. Nope! Believe it or not, there are Filipino Americans here in the US!
4. In the Rachel post you describe infertility as in the past however, in the post Why Hello Old Friend and See Ya Later, difficult feelings associated with infertility rear their ugly head. Do you feel that your story of infertility will always be a part of you and how? Do you think that issues still related to infertility will continue to pop up throughout life? Do you find it uncomfortable to acknowledge the difficult feelings related to infertility? If yes, how have you dealt with this in the past and will in the future? If no, how have you figured it out!!
Well, infertility forever changed me. So in some ways, yes, it will always be a part of me. But, I don't think it will forever rear it's ugly head and it's certainly not a prominent part of me anymore. Right now were still in the thick of building our family so naturally it comes up. But, I don't view my IF the same way as I used to. In the first post I was writing about Rachel and her undying desire to be a mom. When I look back at that side of me, it's gone because at last I am a mom! That infertile Kelly felt as if infertility was holding her children hostage. I didn't know if I would ever be a mom. But, she's gone. That infertile Kelly groans no more because I somehow got picked to be the mom of the most amazing little girl on the planet! The second post was more a whine fest about the injustices of infertility. I know we'll have more kids and I will love them more than life itself and will go to the ends of the earth to get them, but sometimes this infertile Kelly wishes it was just as easy as "hey, wanna have another baby? Wam, bam, heres a baby ma'am!" The other side of infertility that sticks out in my mind is the feeling that my body betrayed me and sometimes feeling less of a women because my body didn't do what it's essentially made to do. I don't know when those feelings go away.
I don't find it hard to acknowledge my difficult feelings on infertility. Infertility is hard and painful and just plain sucks. And like I just said, it touches more levels than just the obvious not being able to conceive. What I find difficult is articulating my feelings at times because sometimes they're too complex to put in words.
5. I love your story of open adoption. Where do you get support and learn how to continue on in this relationship with Lovebug's first family?
I have found an amazing community of other parents in open adoptions. I cannot tell you how invaluable they have been to me. Some are people I know IRL and some are people I have only met online. ALL of them are amazing parents and have become such great friends and support systems! Also, our agency Bethany Christian Services is amazing at creating a community within their families by creating community pages, having play groups and annual events. They've really just been awesome!
6. After completing Lovebug's adoption, how will you approach your second adoption? Any changes? Any new insights or cautions?
I'm hoping the process will be more relaxed this time, honestly. Last time we were so nervous and anxious to the point where we couldn't enjoy some aspect of it and I'm hoping that wont be the case again. I don't know that there will be any changes. Just more maturity in the process and more insight into both sides of the coin. I'm praying that insight will be helpful to us if we experience another failed adoption. Less pain and more understanding for the situation.
7. How have you managed to acknowledge the loss side of adoption while still living in the joy?
It's a hard balance at times and was especially hard when Lovebug was first born. But, I've come to realize that acknowledging the loss side of adoption doesn't take away from the joy of adoption. In any adoption there is a loss before the joy. C experienced/experiences a great loss that has been hard at times to deal with. But, we do our best to be in prayer for her and be here for her if and when she needs us. Being understanding that at times things are more difficult for her than other times. Philippians 2:3 says "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself" and Matthew 7:12 says "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets". These are our "Open Adoption verses". To acknowledge that we're all on equal plane, none batter than the other, all loved by God and to treat each other as we wish to be treated. There are times where there's great loss and great joy, but if we keep the other person in mind and treat them as we wish to be treated in all circumstances we feel we can be a great support to each other.
That was a real struggle for me. I just felt like, of all the options out there, none of them captured C's importance in Lovebugs life. So, after writing that post I emailed Lovebugs birthmom to get her input on it. I just asked her point blank "what would you like to be called? Birthmom? First mom? MamaC? Other mom? Her response was that she thought just being called her first name was great and that birthmom worked for her. After we talked about it, and I knew that *she* felt comfortable with being called ny her name and referred to as birthmom I felt much more at ease with that choice. After all, because we're in an open adoption Lovebug wont learn C's importance in her life from her name or title, but rather the relationship they have.
2. Reading through your blog it is apparent that you bonded with Lovebug quite quickly. Was there any part of becoming a mom through adoption that you struggled/are struggling with?
In the beginning I really struggled with feeling grief for C. I grieved a tiny bit (or a lot) at every new milestone wishing that she could have shared that moment with us. Over time, that feeling of grief has lessened though I'm not sure it will every been completely gone.
The one part of becoming a mom through adoption that has been an ongoing struggle is frequently having my motherhood challenged and questioned by outsiders. Sometimes it's as simple as a well meaning person at the grocery store asking "what happened to her real mom?" or other more blatant comments that just let you know that outsiders don't really get it and probably never will. Sometimes it's hard to know that in some eyes I will never just be Lovebugs mom.
3. You've briefly mentioned Lovebug's heritage as half Filipino. I'm wondering how you do and will work at your status as a transracial family? And how do you experience life as an adoptive transracial family living in the US?
It's really important to us that Lovebug celebrate her Filipino heritage, as well as the rest of her heritage, because it's a large part of who she is and she can physically identify with it. As she's getting older I'm learning more and more about the Philippines, a country I started out knowing very little about. We plan to integrate it into school projects, holidays and special occasions.
Our experience have been mostly great so far. I mean, there are definitely those nosy people as mentioned before that make things weird, but even with that I can say that we have never experienced negative comments about our transracial adoption. One of the more annoying comments is "where did you get her?" Sometimes I want to say "Walmart. Haven't you seen the new baby section?" It's just irritating because people assume because she not white that she must be from another country. Nope! Believe it or not, there are Filipino Americans here in the US!
4. In the Rachel post you describe infertility as in the past however, in the post Why Hello Old Friend and See Ya Later, difficult feelings associated with infertility rear their ugly head. Do you feel that your story of infertility will always be a part of you and how? Do you think that issues still related to infertility will continue to pop up throughout life? Do you find it uncomfortable to acknowledge the difficult feelings related to infertility? If yes, how have you dealt with this in the past and will in the future? If no, how have you figured it out!!
Well, infertility forever changed me. So in some ways, yes, it will always be a part of me. But, I don't think it will forever rear it's ugly head and it's certainly not a prominent part of me anymore. Right now were still in the thick of building our family so naturally it comes up. But, I don't view my IF the same way as I used to. In the first post I was writing about Rachel and her undying desire to be a mom. When I look back at that side of me, it's gone because at last I am a mom! That infertile Kelly felt as if infertility was holding her children hostage. I didn't know if I would ever be a mom. But, she's gone. That infertile Kelly groans no more because I somehow got picked to be the mom of the most amazing little girl on the planet! The second post was more a whine fest about the injustices of infertility. I know we'll have more kids and I will love them more than life itself and will go to the ends of the earth to get them, but sometimes this infertile Kelly wishes it was just as easy as "hey, wanna have another baby? Wam, bam, heres a baby ma'am!" The other side of infertility that sticks out in my mind is the feeling that my body betrayed me and sometimes feeling less of a women because my body didn't do what it's essentially made to do. I don't know when those feelings go away.
I don't find it hard to acknowledge my difficult feelings on infertility. Infertility is hard and painful and just plain sucks. And like I just said, it touches more levels than just the obvious not being able to conceive. What I find difficult is articulating my feelings at times because sometimes they're too complex to put in words.
5. I love your story of open adoption. Where do you get support and learn how to continue on in this relationship with Lovebug's first family?
I have found an amazing community of other parents in open adoptions. I cannot tell you how invaluable they have been to me. Some are people I know IRL and some are people I have only met online. ALL of them are amazing parents and have become such great friends and support systems! Also, our agency Bethany Christian Services is amazing at creating a community within their families by creating community pages, having play groups and annual events. They've really just been awesome!
6. After completing Lovebug's adoption, how will you approach your second adoption? Any changes? Any new insights or cautions?
I'm hoping the process will be more relaxed this time, honestly. Last time we were so nervous and anxious to the point where we couldn't enjoy some aspect of it and I'm hoping that wont be the case again. I don't know that there will be any changes. Just more maturity in the process and more insight into both sides of the coin. I'm praying that insight will be helpful to us if we experience another failed adoption. Less pain and more understanding for the situation.
7. How have you managed to acknowledge the loss side of adoption while still living in the joy?
It's a hard balance at times and was especially hard when Lovebug was first born. But, I've come to realize that acknowledging the loss side of adoption doesn't take away from the joy of adoption. In any adoption there is a loss before the joy. C experienced/experiences a great loss that has been hard at times to deal with. But, we do our best to be in prayer for her and be here for her if and when she needs us. Being understanding that at times things are more difficult for her than other times. Philippians 2:3 says "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself" and Matthew 7:12 says "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets". These are our "Open Adoption verses". To acknowledge that we're all on equal plane, none batter than the other, all loved by God and to treat each other as we wish to be treated. There are times where there's great loss and great joy, but if we keep the other person in mind and treat them as we wish to be treated in all circumstances we feel we can be a great support to each other.
Lovebug has also experienced loss and although we have not yet dealt with her loss when the time comes we will help her through it by being open and understanding about her feelings. I don't ever want her to feel like she can't express the way she's feeling. Whether those feelings are joyful or sorrowful. We want her to know it's ok to feel the loss of her birthfamily. We're a family and we'll be here for her no matter what!
I think by excepting that there is loss head on and not being ashamed of it or scared of it you just make way for the joy to come in!
8. How have been accepted with other mom's that joined the mommy club the biological way?
For the most part it's been awesome! I really have great friends and family. Sometimes I think I'm my worst enemy in this regard, assuming that other moms will judge me and then they don't. I have only had a few situations where I felt as if the other mom was looking down on the way I became a mom... again with the *real* mom comments. But, those encounters have been few and far between in the playgroup/mom world for me!
8. How have been accepted with other mom's that joined the mommy club the biological way?
For the most part it's been awesome! I really have great friends and family. Sometimes I think I'm my worst enemy in this regard, assuming that other moms will judge me and then they don't. I have only had a few situations where I felt as if the other mom was looking down on the way I became a mom... again with the *real* mom comments. But, those encounters have been few and far between in the playgroup/mom world for me!
1 comment:
It was great being partners with you!
Post a Comment