A few of the comments to my post "I thought you couldn't get pregnant..." were of this nature, written by Anonymous*:
The content of the question is intrusive and can feel violating, but at its heart it would seem that it is friendly curiosity, or delighted astonishment...a chance to celebrate what to the other might seem a miracle. I think it's great to educate people to have them understand how they come across...but my hunch is that if you let them know how rude they seemed to you, they would be surprised as that would be the farthest from their intent...I wonder if it doesn't make sense to hear, "blah blah blah" and see the joy in their eyes and acknowledge the love therein.
This is not the first time others have let me know that most people aren't vindictive and mean well enough with their curious questions. I agree that many of the questions I get make sense when thinking about either our adoption or pregnancy situations.
However, that doesn't make it right or fair for people to ask the questions or make the comments.
Remember that I always have little ears with me who hear. Those ears will hear all comments and questions and will not be able to discern whether they were made in good will. It is those ears that are my first priority. It isn't just about me dealing with rude and inappropriate comments, it's about me always putting my child(ren) first.
While a comment directed towards my "miracle" pregnancy may seem benign enough to the average person, it speaks volumes to me and the little boy sitting beside me. They are comments that I will have to explain to him and then help him understand why people say the things they do.
So. No. I can't completely acknowledge the love in the eyes of someone who makes comments related to adoption or pregnancy and see it as friendly curiosity, no matter how innocent it may be. I can't just give people the benefit of the doubt and I can't just let it go.
*Please know that I have no issue with people disagreeing with my take on things, but an anonymous comment is up for using how I desire.
6 comments:
Good to put your kids first, but just a gentle reminder that everything that you write in this blog will one day be readable by your second child. While you can delete the Blogger account, the posts have been indexed in untouchable places. So all of your grief and raging about the pregnancy and people and circumstances will be accessible by him/her in the future. But I'm sure you knew that or you wouldn't be putting it out there. Good luck with everything.
thanks for your comment Susan. i am aware that once I delete this blog there will likely be ways to access posts in the future -- it is not my intent to share this blog with my children. however, know that someday both my children will know about their stories in full. T will know that there was a baby we fell in love with before him and new baby will know about my complicated feelings towards pregnancy. life is messy and we will live in the messiness with both our children.
I appreciate you noting that little ears do hear everything. Our sharp eared fox has been known to reference information shared after he was in bed, clearly evidencing that the ears don't turn off after bed time!
Just wondering how you hold being "mama bear" to this new babe in tension with being "mama bear" to T, when it seems as though guarding what T hears comes at the cost of the new baby being able to be freely celebrated by others (in whatever fumbling, potentially ignorant way that might be)? Perhaps my perception is not an accurate reflection of how you experience this? It seems in reading though that in being so guarded for the sake of T, that celebration isn't welcome if it's perceived as at all intrusive. Is this for T's sake, or because you are uncomfortable yourself with celebrating this baby?
I'm totally a person guilty of asking a pregnant woman at the grocery store "when are you due?" or "is this your first?"...it is most often a neat opportunity to engage with someone in a curious, friendly way and often an opportunity to celebrate and encourage them in their journey. I would hope that those experiencing my sincere enthusiasm for the life that is growing would be able to see an exchange of this nature as a means of celebrating a shared human experience, and not as something intended to isolate or offend.
thanks for the comment sabrina. you bring up some great points that i'm going to answer in a separate post.
I would assert that modelling joy is more beneficial to our children than exhibiting guardedness. Plus it's a much more fun way to live for us Moms and for our kids!
Thanx for your thoughts on this. It was helpful. My thoughts: My children have heard ignorant but well intentioned comments that could be taken as very hurtful, and sometimes were...I found it a great parenting/teaching opportunity to encourage inner truth to be more important than any comment by another, to learn to extend grace to another as Christ has inspired us to by the grace He extends to us, to teach boundaries in a respectful way as we relate to the person making the comment, and to love on my kids by disagreeing with what was said in a way that clearly articulated our family's values. This sort of resilience is something that we as parents need to teach our kids to give them the tools to be able to handle a world that has imperfections when they are not by our side and hear painful things, so while I don't encourage hurtful/ignorant comments, they are such great parenting moments that, in hindsight, I am truly grateful for. (But hey, I'm all for encouraging education to reduce the ignorant comments, though!! So thanx for your part in that that!)
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