oh canada

T is an American Citizen (always will be). D and I are Canadian. Since T is not our biological child, we have had to engage in the permanent residency paperwork process to allow him all the same privileges we have in Canada. When we entered the country with T in September 2009 he was considered a "visitor."

The permanent residency process requires:

• sponsorship application
• permanent residency application
  
• adoption paperwork
• immigration medical completed by an approved physician
• 4 photos (like a passport photo)
  
• proof of adoption finalization
• letter of no objection from our province
• American passport
• original and new birth certificates

It took us 8 months to compile all the required documents, as we needed to wait for finalization paperwork and his new birth certificate.

After another 2 months of waiting we finally got word last week that the permanent residency process was complete. The last step, unbeknown to us, was to leave the country and when we re-entered T's permanent residency status would be validated.

So on Saturday, August 21st, we took an impromptu trip south (did some shopping) and returned with a permanent resident of Canada! The Immigration Officer was so pleasant and we were even able to get a picture of him with T holding a Canadian flag.

We're so very glad to be finished with that process.

Next step...Canadian Citizenship paperwork...

hair and skin care 101

This week I attended an information session on how to care for black hair and skin at a local salon (this is where I take T). It was so informative and I am amazed at how I continue to learn new information on how to care for T's hair. Once I think I've got it I come across information that suggests otherwise.

T's hair regime is by far the question that friends and family ask the most often. So for those of you reading...here is the current plan.

The Basics:

• T is bathed twice a week.
• Hair is washed once a week because it is so dry. This includes shampoo, wash-out conditioner, leave-in conditioner, and lastly a spray moisturizer.
• On non-wash days we wet T's hair and then spray it with a moisturizer.
• A wide tooth comb is used to comb through T's hair. And his hair absolutely must be wet for us to comb it.
• Anytime T's hair gets really wet we're supposed to use the spray moisturizer.
• When swimming in a chlorinated pool we put the leave-in conditioner in his hair and when drying off we spray it with the moisturizer. When swimming in a non-chlorinated pool we just need to use the spray afterward.
• To care for his skin we lotion him up every morning and evening. Lately I've been using shea butter on his knees because they are quite beat up from him crawling around in shorts.

The Products:
We use Peek-A-Boo Tearless Shampoo from It's A Curl! to wash T's hair. This little bottle set us back $15 (Canadian) but at the time we didn't know what else to get and since this product is made specifically for babies we decided to purchase it (and others from the same line). The shampoo works really nicely and it's easy to wash out of the hair. Since T's hair is short we don't end up using very much.

Once this little bottle is empty we will purchase a decent regular shampoo as we have since learned that what you wash/condition the hair with is not necessarily as important as what you leave in the hair.


T's leave-in conditioner Patty Cake Conditioner is from the same It's A Curl! line. Again, an expensive little bottle but since we are only washing/conditioning once a week we use very little. Once this is empty we'll purchase a regular conditioner.








The last product we use from the It's A Curl! line is the Ring Around The Curlies leave-in conditioner. I really like this product as it leaves T's hair smelling quite nice. However, I've since learned that this leave-in isn't thick enough for the texture of T's hair so I need to start using a lot more.

Once this product is finished I'll be on the hunt for an appropriate leave-in that will work well with T's hair. This will be something that would never work in a white child's hair as it will be way too heavy. I will be consulting T's hairdresser when we get to this point!



The last product we use in T's four product regime on wash days (this kid has more hair products than I do!) is the Braid Sheen Spray from African Gold. This product was recommended by T's hairdresser and we were able to pick this up at Wal-Mart. Any sort of moisturizing and conditioning product made for black hair will work. This product we use daily.







At the information session I learned that we need to add another product to T's weekly regime. A hair/scalp conditioner or otherwise known as "oiling your scalp". We haven't purchased this product yet and the sample we have to try isn't from African Gold. I can't remember the name of our sample oil product but once again I'll be speaking with T's hairdresser for more info on this. I'm not sure if we're supposed to use this product on his wash day or pick a different day of the week.




Can't stress how important it is to find a hairdresser who knows and understands black hair. T's hairdresser is the same woman who held the information session and I've been getting to know her a little bit. It was really important to me that T's hair was cut by someone with brown skin and I'm so pleased with the salon that we have found.

I did ask about learning how to cut T's hair myself since if we keep it short he will need a cut every 4-6 weeks. But as someone beside me in the session said...I wouldn't cut a biological child's hair on my own so why would I try to cut my adoptive child's hair? Very true.

So there you have it. Hair and skin care 101!

money, money, money

I am very frustrated by the role money plays in adoption. I was recently made aware of a situation where a family was chosen by an expectant mom, but had to decline simply because of the projected final cost of the adoption. I am also aware of a family unable to have biological children who would love to adopt a child, but because of intentional choices they have made to live a simple lifestyle, are unable. Because of money.

I am so sick and tired of money playing such a major role in adoption.

So many of us who have chosen adoption are now in major debt. This isn't right. I don't believe that adoption needs to cost as much as it does. There are always hidden costs that no one, especially not the agencies, tells you about in the beginning. You only find out at the end. Once you're emotionally attached and willing to use plastic for anything and everything. Agencies are non-profit organizations, however I am quite confident that many directors and other agency staff are making a pretty penny.

And as soon as there is a bottom line, greed and corruption enter. If money were taken out of the equation child trafficking would cease to exist. Coercion would no longer be a concern. And other families would be able to adopt a child.

Currently, adoption is for the wealthy. Or at least for those who have a bit of money and are willing to go into debt to build a family. Money is not everything. I truly believe that. But you still need it to feed and clothe a child.

And I'm quite curious as to what that agency told the expectant mom about why the family she chose was unable to parent her child. I sincerely doubt it was the truth.

I leave you with a word from ABBA:

Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich man's world.

All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It's a rich man's world.

oa roundtable - agencies and open adoption

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. Click here to link to what other bloggers are writing about this topic.

We each interacted with at least one professional during the adoption process (agency, lawyer, facilitator, consultant, hospital social worker, etc.). What was one thing that they did that was most supportive of open adoption? What one thing was least supportive?

Since we live in Canada and adopted a child from the United States we endured two agencies...and all the drama (and money!) as a result. Our experience with our agencies was vastly different. We were explicitly told by our Canadian agency that they work hard to take the emotion out of adoption when interacting with prospective adoptive parents. We can safely say that they did a pretty good job of this. So much so that we often felt belittled for any emotion we did show. Our social worker was great though. She was supportive and encouraging. The agency we used in Canada only does international adoption and didn't provide us with any information regarding open adoption. However, our social worker was able to chat about this with us.

We have seen open adoption work very successfully as many of our friends are involved in relationship with their child's first parents. So before we even signed the application form we already knew a fair amount about openness and that we placed a great deal of value on this sort of adoption. This is one of the main reasons we chose to adopt from the US instead of overseas. (For those of you wondering why we didn't choose to adopt locally you need to know that for varying reasons it is very difficult to adopt in our province. Many people wait 5-8 years).

Our American agency required us to read specific books as a part of our application process and this included reading on open adoption. However, as we got to know the workers at this agency better we became aware that they don't really encourage complete openness between adoptive and first families. This agency's definition of open adoption is what we would refer to as a semi-open adoption where all correspondence between families flows through the agency. The agency encourages adoptive and first families to meet prior to or during placement but that is where the openness ends. We were supposed to keep our address, last name and any other identifying information a secret, as was J. We did share some of this information with J as did she. How can you be given a child and not share more of who you are? How can you give your child to a stranger to parent without knowing where he will live?

Both of our agencies knew that we were very open and willing to be involved in a fully open adoption. Yet, each in their own way questioned us and our motives. Each brought up openness at various times and would ask "are you still open to x, y, z?" And we would continue to say "yes." It is a frustrating thing...to have to defend yourself for making choices that you believe are clearly in the best interest of the child. Isn't that what agencies should be interested in as well?

In the end, we learned more about open adoption from friends living it, than we ever did from our agencies.

book: inside transracial adoption

I am reading a new book titled Inside Transracial Adoption by Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall. I'm only part way through but I am quite impressed with the content. This is from the inside cover:

Inside Transracial Adoption provides creative, confident, pro-active, and provocative guidance for parents who are experienced veterans or who are considering transracial adoption for the first time. Whether through domestic or international adoption the authors offer direction for building close, loving, and very real families consisting of individuals who are proud and culturally competent members of differing races.

In the first chapter The Challenges of Transracial Adoption the authors cite what they believe to be indisputable principles of transracial adoption:

• transracial adoption is more complex than same-race adoption
• visible differences between parents and children increase challenges to their acceptance as a family unit
• there are predictable developmental stages for transracial adoptive families which are different from those of same-race families
• issues regarding racial or ethnic awareness and development of positive racial identity must be addressed

In a larger context, what makes these core principles indisputable are these broader truths...

• adoption is a response to a life crisis
• race matters
• transracial adoption issues are not easy or comfortable subjects to discus
  
• adoptive families need to develop the desire and capacity to help themselves
• families built by transracial adoption can let challenges beat them down or they can embrace their issues - a process which only builds strength

Lastly...

If we are successful at giving transracially adopted children all that they need, we will raise adults with a unique ability to understand and interact with white-dominated society, while retaining proud membership in their own racial community.

I like this book.

is there trauma post-adoption?

I recently stumbled across this blog post The sole trauma is the loss that occurs BEFORE adoption, but the practice of adoption itself causes no pain? by Melissa (adult adoptee) at Yoon's Blur. Melissa so articulately responds to the common belief held by many adoptive parents that loss and trauma occurs only before the adoption rather than also post-adoption. I think this is especially true in transracial adoptions where white privileged parents adopt a child of color. As a white woman I can never, in no possible way, understand the alienation, racism, and isolation that my son will face. If T was being raised by a black family he would learn and master strategies to face a white-dominated society by observing and modeling behaviours exhibited by his family. I once heard an adoptive parent comment on how they have not yet discussed racism with their school aged child as they would rather be reactive versus proactive in addressing any issues. They felt this would protect their child from the reality of how society views skin color...his skin color. However, I believe that as a result of T being adopted by white parents we must acknowledge the reality of post-adoption trauma and surround ourselves with people who can adequately prepare him, be proactive by educating ourselves, and listen to the experience of adult transracial adoptee's.

Here is an excerpt from her post:

These are stresses, traumas, losses--whatever you choose to label them--that occur as a direct result of being adopted, or as I often refer to as direct result of being transplanted or displaced. According to my experience, these words more accurately identify and characterize what practically and realistically happens to a person who is adopted internationally.*

As the couple featured in "Adopted" demonstrated, it's very easy to grow complacent and comfortable. It's easy to look at one's adopted daughter or son smiling and laughing, and think that they're done grieving. It's more comforting to believe that now that they're in your home, a part of your family, they're safe now. They're protected. The loss and trauma are in the past, and now they're on their way to a "new, better life."

But the truth is that I wasn't safe once I arrived in America. I wasn't protected once I arrived in America. And I certainly was not done grieving once I arrived with my new family. And although I fully acknowledge that I have lived an incredible life full of love and hope, I am still dealing with the loss and trauma that I endured not only before I was adopted but that which I endured and continue to endure after I was adopted.

I don't point a bitter finger at any single individual. It's more complicated than that, and that's also not the point of this blog--to place blame.

When I say I wasn't safe or protected once I arrived in America, it's not to say that I did not have a loving family that wanted to provide a safe, protective environment for me (unfortunately, there are adoptees who cannot say the same). It means that even though I had a loving family, even though I had a family that wanted to protect me, that love could not fully protect me or keep me safe from the racism and bigotry or the sense of isolation and alienation I would soon begin to face.

As a little girl, I was affectionate, happy, and compliant (generally-speaking, of course...*smilewink*). But once I had to venture beyond the walls of home and family to school and the often cruel, unfiltered world, there were realities I had to face for which my parents and family had not prepared me, because they had no awareness of the consequences that would ensue as a result of being adopted.

Parents must be willing to acknowledge and accept that there are traumas and losses that occur post-adoption. They have to be willing to anticipate that such things are going to happen--and that when they do happen, they are traumatic to the adopted person's sense of family, sense of community, and sense of self.

why are you brown?

D and I recently visited the zoo with baby T (his first time). D was holding T near a play area and was approached by a child.

Child: Why did you get a brown one and not a white one?

D: (not sure what to say)

Child: Why is he brown?

D (smiling pleasantly): Why are you white?

Child: I was made that way.

D: Yeah. You're white because you were made that way. And he is brown because he was made that way.

Child's parent joins the conversation.

Parent: You were made white and you are perfect just like he was made brown and he is perfect too.

Child goes back to playing.

The questions have begun...