roots

My close friend, who has a daughter adopted from Ethiopia, and I have started a support group.

An adoptive transracial parenting support group. And we're calling this group ROOTS...meaning belonging; the core; and to grow which describes us as transracial adoptive parents and our kids as transracial adoptees.

My friend and I spent many coffee evenings chatting about such a group but it has finally come together. We met for the first time a couple of weeks ago and plan to meet monthly while working through the book Inside Transracial Adoption.

I'm so excited about this new group in my life. Excited to grow and learn together with other parents who get it. Currently we're a group of 5 women and we chatted together about our stories and the book for 3 hours! We closed the Starbucks that night.

The significant pieces from that evening for me were that racial issues for our kids supersede regular adoption issues. Race infiltrates all aspects of adoption and is the lens with which our children will view themselves and the world. And how the world will view them. This only helps to strengthen my resolve to look for a racially diverse church and in the future a school, as well as intentionally develop relationships with other people of color.

The other is that I believe that first and foremost T is a child of God and will be raised with this knowledge. My hope is that this truth will help shape his understanding of who he is and how he fits into society and the world. As an adoptive parent I don't lean only on this truth but it is a part of the whole story.

The ROOTS group meets again in two weeks and I'm already anticipating the discussion and developing deep and lasting relationships with these moms. 

It's just another kind of "moms group."

a miracle

A miracle happened today.

My friend who has been going through adoption hell had her last and final court date in Ethiopia today.

After their adoption was denied three times for reasons of stupidity, the judge over-ruled this decision and she has a son.

I have been crying for the last 10 minutes. This move by the judge is unprecedented.

This is the best news I have heard since T's birth. And my friend's son is 3 months older than T...so T now has a little buddy his own age with brown skin.

Every time I think about this news my stomach does a flip flop and I get all teary. I am beyond happy for you both Chad and Laura.

So I guess miracles really do happen...

how long...?

Questions from strangers are always interesting. Lately the same one has seemed to pop up with some regularity.

Stranger: "How old is he?"

Me: "16 months."

Stranger: "How long have you had him?"

I always answer with "since he was 2 days old."

 T is growing up. He's a toddler and at an age that many children from African countries find their forever families. When he was a newborn no one ever asked that question. People likely assumed that we had adopted him recently or maybe it was a domestic situation.

T's adoption is international, but he's American which hardly seems international to me. He's not from Ethiopia, Kenya, Ghana, or any other African country. I understand why the question is asked. He's black, I'm white and thanks to Angelina most people are more familiar with an overseas international adoption versus that of the USA.

But what the question does is bring to the forefront that T is adopted and that I am an adoptive mom. He's not just my son...but an adopted child. I'm not just a mom...but an adoptive mom. We're labeled. 

I'm never really sure where to go next in these conversations. I want to say...thanks for reminding me I'm an adoptive mom because I forgot...or...why does it matter to you...or...are you just trying to make conversation...or...why don't you talk to me like any other mom with a toddler? 

But I don't. I just answer the question and leave it at that. I'll wait to see how they respond, hope they drop the subject, and carry on with whatever we're doing. A few people have responded by commenting that we've had him for awhile. Not really sure what to say after that....um...good observation?! Does having him since birth give my adoptive mom status more validity? I'm just glad that so far no one has felt the need to continue their questioning and ask about his first mom or how it is that we got him at 2 days old.

I wonder how long people will ask me this question. Perhaps when T is old enough to understand it won't be as important for others to know exactly when we became a family. In the meantime, I'm beginning to anticipate the question. And I don't stew all day when it's asked. Questions are a part of being a transracial family. I just find the questions interesting and am sometimes surprised how they affect me and cause me to ponder my role and how comfortable I am in it.

confession friday

I confess that I stole this idea from other bloggers who are doing it.

I confess that today is my 36th birthday...inching closer to 40 and my anticipated trip to New York.

I confess that my heart hurts today for a friend going through a very tough adoption situation that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.

I confess that I used to think Facebook was dumb...and now I don't.

I confess that I love getting acupuncture.

I confess that knowing J has put a hold on her file has resulted in procrastination...I am very behind in sending letters to her.

I confess that I love to shop for T's wardrobe...and that he has quite an extensive line-up of clothing.

I confess that it's still sometimes strange to think of myself as a mom.

I confess that I've been watching "the big bang theory" which I think is a super dumb show.

I confess that I get overwhelmed thinking about trying to be a good transracial adoptive mom.

I confess that T finally found his appetite which makes me do the dance of joy.

I confess that I currently have 600 emails in my inbox.

I confess that I love T more than words can describe.

I confess that life is good.

to blog or not to blog

The end of 2010 found me with less time to spend at the computer. Entering the workforce as a mom resulted in many busy moments. Then throw in weekly swim class with T, weekly massage, acupuncture, chiropractic appointments (trying to use up all my insurance), Christmas shopping and baking and the result was a very chaotic life. I even ended up forgetting appointments and an important Christmas party I was supposed to attend. Sigh. Does the "baby brain" syndrome ever go away?

I have also been absent from blogland because I'm not sure what it is that I want to say anymore. Gone are the days I spent bitching about our agencies and the process. I am currently knee deep in parenting a one year old and adoption doesn't always arise as the very most important thing in my day. I still think about adoption related themes. I have at least 5 titled posts in my head. But I'm not sure how much to disclose in the public domain and articulating my thoughts is often harder than it should be.

I don't want to maintain this blog because I have to. I know readers lose interest when there aren't regular posts to peruse but to post just because is more work. At the same time I'm not ready to let go of this outlet. I still think there is value in keeping this blog and chronicling my journey. Since I don't journal this has been for me a diary of sorts.

So my blogging resolution for 2011 is to be a better blogger! No promises. But I'm going to take this year to determine if blogging is still for me.

a day for grieving...and potential joy

ETA: Judge unable to review file. New court date set for Jan 28. Sigh.

ETA: Adoption denied for 3rd time. Judge set new court date of Jan 25 for unknown reasons.

ETA: New court date again...Jan 21st.

ETA: Court date was changed again to Dec 30th and then again to Jan 12th. No words. Just frustration.

ETA: Their court date was changed this morning (Dec 13) to Friday, December 17th. Too. Much. Drama. Please keep praying and believing.


Nine years. It's been nine years since I last saw my dad's smiling face, heard his contagious laughter, and watched him use a toothpick in ways previously unknown.

On Monday December 13th, all those years ago, my life changed forever. The first few years were difficult but now it's easier. The wound left on my heart has healed and no longer aches in the same way. I still miss him and feel sad for all the missed opportunities. Especially seeing him as a grandpa, he would have been amazing.

On Monday I experience my grief day. While another waits for life changing news that will result in either profound grief or joy. The friend I have written about before is waiting for word regarding the potential adoption of a little boy in Ethiopia. Their story is tragic and something I wouldn't wish for anyone.

While speaking with her yesterday I was reminded of my "summer from hell" and the work I did to try to believe in what seemed impossible. For my friend, a positive answer from court on Monday may actually be impossible, but they were given a nugget of information this week that has resulted in the tiniest bit of hope.

But she can't believe in the impossible. Hope hurts. Hope exposes a previously protected heart and cracks open those deep places of longing and emotion. Hope lets you think about the future. Hope causes your head to spin with out of control feelings and thoughts. To feel a speck of hope in situations like this is hard.

Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said. "One can't believe impossible things."

"I dare say you haven't had as much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age I did it for half an hour a day. Why sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

-- Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass

She can't believe it. But I can. And so can you.

Believe and pray this weekend.

And I sincerely hope that I am the only one of us grieving on Monday.

a friend in need

Entering the adoption world has provided me with many new friends. There is an instant bond, an understanding that occurs between adoptive and prospective adoptive parents. No one else can quite "get it".

One of my very good adoptive mama friends needs your positive thoughts and prayers. She has experienced a rocky journey and right when we all thought it would be over they hit a major roadblock. And I mean MAJOR.

Not the kind of roadblock that one grieves and moves past to continue waiting for a child. This is the kind of roadblock that ends the entire process for them forever. Forever.

I can't disclose the roadblock but just know that it is utterly and entirely ridiculous. There aren't even any appropriate words in the English language to describe how absurd this situation is. No words...except quite a few expletives.

Half way around the world court proceedings will take place tomorrow to decide their fate. To you this is just another woman waiting for an adoption, but to me this is an important friend and I hurt so much seeing her broken and in despair. Please pray, think positive thoughts, send positive energy into the universe, or whatever else suits your fancy. I need to believe that God still performs miracles. He still does, right?

In the end we can't do anything else but wait and watch a stranger determine my friend's future.