I debated writing this post but then decided that all of this is about me being real with myself and learning through the process. So at the risk of making myself look like an inconsiderate schmuck, here goes.
My struggle is with some women who are pregnant and/or have infants. I don't struggle so much with the want/need to be/get pregnant but rather it is the "woe is me" stories that I hear all to often from this demographic.
I can't find any nice maternity clothes
I have stretch marks
My labor was the worst...let me tell you...(is their some competition to have the best worst story?!)
Breastfeeding is a lot of work
The first post I ever read on one of my favourite adoptive mother blogs was titled "at least". That post has stayed with me and likely always will. She writes about how many people pull the "at least" card when speaking about some issue in life to show that the issue isn't as bad as you really thought because others have it worse. I do believe that everyone experiences certain things as "their worst" at certain times in life no matter what anyone thinks about the situation. For example, shortly after my father's sudden death, someone I know experienced a miscarriage but didn't really want to tell me because she felt that her concern was much less of an issue then what I was going through at the time. I agree that I was going through some major grief but yet at the same time she was also grieving and I worked to allow her that space.
I continue to work at not using the words "at least" when someone shares a concern (sometimes I'm successful, other times not so much), but man, do I ever struggle when the concern is pregnancy or infant related. I have very little patience for these concerns and in my head I'm screaming, "at least you get to breastfeed" "at least you have a family" "at least you didn't have to get 10 people to approve you capable of becoming a mother."
It seems I have some work to do in this area! It's obviously such an emotionally charged topic for me. But I need to learn how to create space for people to struggle with pregnancy and early motherhood. Maybe my feelings will change once I am a mother and I will be able to relate on some level with these women, but until then I guess I'm re-enrolling in "empathic listening 101!"
2 comments:
Let me relieve you of a bit of your guilt: not being able to find nice maternity clothes doesn't deserve your sympathy. :)
I think we all struggle with this, just each in a different area. Don't be too hard on yourself.
I think this is such a struggle on BOTH sides...it wasn't until I placed my daughter and surrounded myself with adoption stories, placement stories, infertility stories, that I realized how hurtful my complaints could be...(I wrote a whole post about it on my blog called "Was I a Pregnant Schmuck?")
And I SO never would have meant to hurt anyone! But morning sickness was HORRIBLE. And childbirth was no walk in the park. Those are just my experiences, and for a while they were a way of connecting me to the experience and to other women that had shared it. I had little left since I had placed my daughter, so the stretch marks were a reminder that it was real. That it happened.
Complaining has a time and a place - it can feel SO good to vent you know? But we all need to be responsible when realizing how our vents appear to others.
((((hugs))))
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