A friend of mine is waiting.
Waiting for a referral to adopt a child from Ethiopia.
She has been waiting for a very long time.
When I chat with her about waiting and how this has impacted her family life I think about my own waiting time. I actually feel anxious and my blood pressure rises as I immerse myself in her experience during our coffee dates. During those times I need to remember to separate my reality from hers. It hasn't been that long. She is waiting. I am not.
It has been 8 1/2 months since baby T entered our lives and closed the waiting chapter of our journey into parenthood. But I can still quite vividly remember how difficult The Wait was. While I am head over heels in love with T, he doesn't erase that experience. Fellow adoptive parents have mentioned that the waiting and paperwork seems like nothing once you are holding a child. I disagree. That time in my life changed me as a person and the experience will forever impact how I look at building a family. Infertility, the adoption process, and the waiting will always color my vision.
This waiting is one of the reasons that I think we will be a family of three now and forever. There are other reasons for this, which might make it into a post someday, but at this moment I can not imagine ever beginning The Wait again. Even though it would be different because we have a child, I know I would constantly be distracted. Instead I want to enjoy the life that I have as mother to an amazing little boy. To wonder and anticipate and expect is something that I don't desire to do again. Our wait was riddled with hardships and roadblocks, it was not a wait of ease that some (very few) adoptive parents experience.
So to my friend (I know you're reading this!) I hurt for you during your wait. Thank you for the privilege to walk some of this journey with you. And I too will celebrate (wine and chocolate night?) when the waiting is finally over for you too.
Then I think we both may need therapy to help us work through The Wait and all the nastiness it left behind!
3 comments:
I think the wait is a little easier when you already have a child at home, but it certainly is not easy. We have a bio son, but I still freaked while we were waiting for our daughter from Vietnam. Our second adoption was domestic, and I promised myself that I would remain calm while we did paperwork, etc. I was calmer, but never calm.
I'd have to agree with you. The Wait was an eye opener for me. I had time to go to Europe, and I had time to sleep in, time to go to the gym, time to do creative projects, do workshops, etc. But I had also had 8 years of TTC behind me, time to watch other people's families grow, time to get depressed and flounder with the meaning of my life. I could have appreciated waiting a lot LESS.
I think if we expected our child to erase that pain or memory of the wait and/or infertility then we would be placing too much pressure on our children. Almost setting them up for failure.
I learned so much about myself in our wait. We grew as individuals and as a couple. I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. Just wish it hadn't taken so long.
I'm the same as you, I take on my friends wait as my own. That's one of the reasons I have to step away from blogs sometimes. It can get me down.
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