What do I say when someone with biological kids says to me..."I always wanted to adopt."
My brain still measures slight shock at this statement and my mouth never seems to form the right words to respond. I just haven't the foggiest idea of what to say.
The way this statement is said it implies..."I always wanted to cut my hair short." "I always wanted to get one of those bags." "I always wanted to go there on vacation." Although the implication is present, I assume the user of such language when referring to adoption doesn't mean to suggest that our child is an accessory, which is why I am having such a hard time figuring out how to respond.
When D and I thought about planning a family we did not think about adoption first. Let's just be honest about this. Adoption is not second rate but it was a choice made after trying to have children using what mother nature gave us. In the end, adoption worked for our family and we are so blessed to have T in our lives.
Adoption was a selfish choice for us. We wanted a family badly enough that we would ask another woman to place her baby in our arms. We are not saints, we did not "save" him...we just wanted a child. The emotional experience of J giving us the privilege to raise her son is not one to take lightly.
Some families with bio kids choose to adopt overseas from orphanage situations. Even though these kids need families, the reason for adoption should not be to help or save these children or as a way to live out ones faith. Yes, families in these third world countries are living in extreme poverty and often cannot care for their kids. However, instead of adoption which impacts one child, how about using the $30,000+ to develop communities and help families stay together and help kids stay in their country of birth.
So when someone makes the "I always wanted" statement I wonder why. And maybe this is the question I should ask.
I love how our family came together but it was not a "wouldn't that be nice" sort of decision. It wasn't about offering a home to a child in need. It wasn't because we have a faith. We were selfish. Our decision was all about us and our needs and wants. We wanted a family...not to add to a family.
2 comments:
I have definitely experienced those comments and wondered what they are really saying.
I choose to hear this:
"I can understand how wonderful it is to adopt"
or
"Adoption is something I could see myself doing"
I guess in my more charitable moments I hear those comments as rather unskilled and self-centered attempts to relate to my family. Because the people who say it almost always really have no idea what it is they're saying. :)
Liked this post (though not that you found yourself in this predicament). As a reader not involved with adoption or the adoption world I am so often challenged in my un-thought-out opinions and biases by what you write.
In church circles I have gotten the vibe that there is a lot of the 'savior' mentality going on; I like your challenge to be real about the motives.
I am sorry to hear that you so often receive comments that come with not-thought-out and far-reaching implications. It has got to get old trying to field the same set of questions over and over. Boo to ignorant comments. Just think of all the practice you're getting being gracious in the mean time!
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